Does God want me to be more assertive

  • Thread starter Thread starter LoveTherese
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Instead of grunting, say, "Hello, Jennifer. How are you doing today? " or “Nice weather we’re having for a change” and just be nice as pie to her. Be EXTRA nice to her. It’s called “Heaping coals of fire on your enemy’s head”. Just don’t be surprised if she goes ballistic on you for being nice. I have had people in my life I had to do this with for literally years. At least one of them turned out to have serious, diagnosed mental disorders.
 
Joey thank you but the thing is she’s vicious one day and then ok the next then she’s vicious one week and one week she’s ok. The last time I did stand up to her because she was rude and I raised my voice she was quiet that whole morning, it felt GREAT but not so great because here i am raising my voice at work with a Catholic calendar on my desk being a poor witness to Christ. Or maybe Jesus doesn’t care that I raise my voice, maybe I’m misunderstanding St. therese and the Litany of humility as letting people treat me harshly while turning the other cheek. I grew up with that tough exterior and if a woman was crabby to me there’s no ay I would let that go maybe that’s why it’s so hard biting my tongue which I do 90% of the time. It feels better, safer when i look at her serious and talk to her serious vs when i tried to kill her with kindness (i tried right after reading Story if a Soul i was so inspired) but boy did she take advantage.
 
Thank you. After 4 years I definitely have tried this and i think the season has passed ( i definitely tried it but right now i would just sound fake) I feel in my heart that God just wants me to be very guarded with her since he knows I’m not too strong yet for such interaction. especially since it failed last time, it’s almost comical how mean she was when i was nice and a stronger woman than I would have not cared.
 
I always have to fight my compulsion to say things that are nice, but flip, just to set the person off. There was one person who for years was very mean not only to me but to my husband, for no good reason. My husband kind of liked to bait the person and I was always trying to get him to not poke the bear. I think at some point the person realized they were being out of line and kind of stopped the behavior. When my husband died, this person actually messaged me with sincere condolences. I was touched, especially since I had been praying for that person in the “we must pray for our enemies” sense.
 
The enemy at times tries to trick me into believing prayers aren’t effective but I know he’s a liar because they are very powerful as you’ve just shown. Thank you for your responses here, it’s very appreciated.
Honestly I do pray for this woman and sometimes to be frank I do wish her well other times I say to the Lord “you know I don’t feel anything but …”
 
It feels better, safer when i look at her serious and talk to her serious vs when i tried to kill her with kindness (i tried right after reading Story if a Soul i was so inspired) but boy did she take advantage.
I think your answer is in the above. Good luck.
 
Thank you. She’s 70 years old so I always avoided being harsh out of respect for her age.
 
Christ’s words to his apostles
Were His words to His Apostles. Or these days, they would be Bishops. I wouldn’t presume myself to be of such importance, a sinner nothing more, the least of all.
 
Last edited:
Instead of grunting, say, "Hello, Jennifer. How are you doing today? " or “Nice weather we’re having for a change” and just be nice as pie to her. Be EXTRA nice to her. It’s called “Heaping coals of fire on your enemy’s head”. Just don’t be surprised if she goes ballistic on you for being nice. I have had people in my life I had to do this with for literally years. At least one of them turned out to have serious, diagnosed mental disorders.
I have found that some people just don’t like people who are nice.

I think that it is because they have their own issues that they are dealing with, and they seem to think that other people can’t possibly be nice and sincere–that the sincerity is contrived, or is seen as being potentially “fake.”

If you’re nice and you’re a Christian, that can even be inadvertently worse for some people who are dealing with their own issues of faith. That can seen as being even more contrived.

I’m speaking from my own personal experiences, unfortunately. 😦
 
Thank you. She’s 70 years old so I always avoided being harsh out of respect for her age.
She should be retired by now. How is she still working? I was wondering that a characterization of the mentioned lady was lacking.

You have several ways of going about it @LoveTherese and I’d say saint Therese of Lisieaux method is a way to go yet partial as presented in her book “Story of a Soul”. This is for good reason!! It does boil down to mercy and charity, patience and grace.

Well, there are several forms of “violence” in the workplace that are somewhat beyond being “bearable”. Mobbing, or “moral harassment” are extraordinarily difficult to deal with. Even if reducing it to only one individual aggressor certain forms of “psychological violence” can hardly be endured and, it does help to clearly identify the mechanisms of violence being applied (this is perhaps one vector where personalities are somewhat linear, since the forms of violence aren’t infinite, but countable - the same way rethoric techniques being many can nevertheless be broken down, and a given author will mostly resort to the same techniques.)

In your particular instance, what is lacking is a diagnosis, an objective characterization of your persecutor. She has already “gotten to you” undoubtedly.

The “sapiential section” of the old testament might be a place to start from in this case, in characterizing the person and how to go about her. One size does not fit all, and you’ll get plenty from working with “lectio divina” from Scripture.

As @Tis_Bearself said, saint Therese was a Carmelite living the contemplative life in a convent. The saints formula is functional, but perhaps in your particular case the “cold cut” characterization of persons in the books of wisdom might contain the necessary keys.

God bless.
 
Last edited:
God bless you too! I appreciate your lengthy and well thought out response and am a bit embarrassed to admit I don’t understand clearly the advice. I don’t know why she’s still working but she is one nasty lady. I’m just worried my temper will get the best of me the next time she grunts past me. Or stares at me
 
the next time she grunts past me. Or stares at me
She doesn’t “grunt” she has to do several specific things. What exactly is it she does? What is unjust in what she does? What is provocatory? What is offensive? What aims at your dignity? What exactly is it she does that manages to touch you? May I ask for a couple of sentences of her, in the form of quotes? Ignore the stares, those hardly count. Are the “stares” of arrogance, haughtiness? Is she objectively a backbiter? Has there been the slightest concrete confirmation of her backbiting, you or someone else? Is she vain? Is she married or a widow? Is she alone? Did her husband abandon her? What do others think of her?

And to finish: She is 70 years old. If she looses patience quickly so much is natural. If she is evil, objectively evil, then there is little to be done.

But look at the bright side. Those tending to betray tend to fool us first. If she gave you signs of hostility be thankful for it, otherwise would be much worst…
 
Last edited:
Thank you. Yes, she looks at me as she walks by and grunts a haughty grunt which I returned the other day. She also mutters under her breath when I walk by. If I ask her a work related question she gives me a glare, a nasty look adgloriam and I if I respond in the flesh to this crazy inappropriateness Im being mean to an elderly lady.
 
as she walks by and grunts a haughty grunt
She also mutters under her breath
A completely rational and composed person doesn’t do these things. Clear signs of age. Don’t let it get to you, as simple as that. “Fortitude”. There are much worst of psychological violence.

Not focusing on one person in particular. “Group bullying” is among the worst forms of workplace psychological violence. As long as it doesn’t get to that try to take it easy. You know this person and have been forewarned. So keep your guard up.
 
Thanks for that. She does stop random coworkers and starts to whisper to them when I’m 2 feet away (she does this a lot) and they are her minions which made things worse but I’ll keep doing my best to ignore. I appreciate your insight, thanks for your helpfulness!
 
She does stop random coworkers and starts to whisper to them when I’m 2 feet away
Don’t let it get to you, those coworkers probably don’t care about her whispers.

Try reading the books of Ecclesiastes and Proverbs, the answers will be in there.
 
Last edited:
They seem so into it though lol, but that’s my fault for paying attention. I do have to avoid looking at her though and will communicate via email as much as I can versus in person. It was great to hear just ignore it, it’s so weird not having control of emotions. Intellectually I know she’s irrelevant but my emotions when she’s near stem from places dealing with insecurities, past relationships, low self esteem and i just want to tell it to shut up and ignore her immediately!
Thank you again😊
 
How can I have my coworkers literally look at me nasty, talk to me like I’m garbage because my position is lower and go home feeling good about myself?
Yes, I would say that God definitely wants you to learn how to have peace and joy during persecution, whatever kind it is.
If there is an aggressive woman personality I don’t want to ruffle her feathers so if I deal with that person I’m usually all smiles and “yes ofcourse” but without peace.
These kinds of reactions are usually learned, and are connected with things that happened in the past. It is a survival skill that sometimes children learn very young.
coworkers have made me cry
Actually, no one can “make” you have emotions. The emotions belong to you, and you are responsible for managing them. Others can trigger feelings, but it is up to you to decide how to respond to the triggers.
They gossip and stare and do all that stuff.
You do not now, nor ever will, have control over what other people do.
I’m the easy target.
You do have control over yourself. There are some things you can do to prevent being a target, but even with all that, you may still be one.
I appreciate her message of not letting people steal her peace when they have attitudes.

How can I be that way?
This is a great question, and one which will deepen your spiritual growth immensely. Have you ever read Hind’s Feet On High Places? The author is not Catholic either, but it is a great allegory of the Christian struggle.
Some woman are so sweet and peaceful even when people are mean to them, is anyone here that kind of warrior?
Just because they make it look like that on the outside, don’t assume they are not seething on the inside! Of course the ideal is to have that inner peace and joy no matter what, but you are right in saying it is a major battle.
 
Yes, this makes sense I really just wish I knew exactly how to brush off people’s curtness and I may be misinterpreting some people
This is a skill you can learn, and is mostly in your head - how you think about things.
i feel like i’m 4 years old scared of someones angry looks and tone.
This is an important clue that your reactions are connected to a previous unhealed time in your life. It may be that God is using this situation to show you where healing is needed in your own life.
I want to not care enough to not bring it home at the end of the day.
You will (hopefully) never have to “not care” about yours relationships and people around you . God has called you to be light and salt in the world, and this requires caring.

But you can certainly learn the skill of detachment, so that you do not have to take into yourself the negativity of others.
there is a fear that creeps up when that unruly child is near my vicinity at work.
This is good to know about yourself. This woman is triggering an emotional reaction from you that needs to be healed.

2 Timothy 1:7 "…for God did not give us a spirit of timidity but a spirit of power and love and self-control. "

The Spirit of God within you is not a Spirit of fear, so you know that this reaction is from another place. It is also important to understand that this is as much (or more) a spiritual battle as an interpersonal one. Hind’s feet is a good book on that.
 
From your original post I understand that before you watched that woman’s video your job was just a job and you would come home and enjoy your life. And now based on what she said your mean colleagues’ attitude haunt you and you see no way out. It really looks like before Heather’s videos you were giving that mean lady at work exactly what she deserved - indiference. And now you don’t how to change hee from the b**** she actually is into an angel (which you can’t). You also feel low on charity because you are angry. Please be assured that only God will be the one deciding if you are a good or a bad Catholic, not the world. So don’t feel guilty for feeling angry and don’t be afraid to speak up and do not hope anyone at work will listen to you and do not try to guess why are they mean to you or mean in general.
These life-changing gurus are usually guilt tripping you into following their ideas and thus buy their stuff. They pretend to be empathic and then they show you what is wrong with you. You see what they are doing? Their whole discourse is conducted so that you end up feeling weak and inadequate and needing help even if, from what you describe, you are in average normal life. Of course you cannot always talk back and be sure of what you want. Sometimes most us are uncertain, impossible and withdrawn. This does not mean there is anything wrong with you. Not everyone gets a great workplace and not everyone can just quit and get a new life. These gurus always offer false answers that can happen only in films.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top