Does Your Family Of Origin Have Money And How Do They Handle It? What Would You Do

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sparkle

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Does your family of origin (parents and relatives) have “money”? how do they handle it and what would you do differently?

I see, at least where I come from, with my family of origin, arising out of the depression era where they all had literally zero, that there is this prominent “hoarding” philosophy. They invest, invest, invest, own real estate, huge homes, etc., “save for a rainy day” mentality, but therefore do not see helping those in need within their own family much of a priority, not a priority at all. I have one cousin whose parents are millionaires. They own numerous properties all over the world. They’re on one vacation after another, presently on a Caribbean Cruise. I see that yes, they are Christians, in some new way out church, but wow, I think what have they done to assist others? Nothing anyway in my family. So I observe. They have 2 total luxury expensive cars, etc., etc., a home right on the beach, and they seem to be living just for themselves, hoarding, etc., this saddens me. Another cousin recently lost her husband, did they give her one dime? Nope. I feel it is a family’s duty to assist not only our children, but others in our family as well, as well as helping the poor if one has the means. If a cousin or other relative needs something, shouldn’t we all chime in to help? There are so many in our towns so less fortunate than us. What are we doing? It just isn’t this way in today’s culture is it? Everyone is supposed to “fend for yourself”. See what everyone individually can accomplish.

I know my H and I have always vowed to look around us in our huge family, cousins, nieces, nephews, to always be there for them and help in any way we can, with schooling, etc., whatever. It’s too bad we haven’t felt this in our own families however growing up. I know I was most fortunate in my upbrining, but still there was never this “reaching out” thinking. Everyone has just held on so tightly to their possessions. Is this more of a Catholic view? Giving? I don’t know, as I’m a recent convert.
What have others experienced? I feel the Hispanic community is alot more aware than others about this. They help much more. I just feel we need to think beyond our own family, grasp the bigger picture, help the poor and needy, etc. some of which are in our own families, right in front of our eyes. I think wouldn’t it have been nice if when I was in college I got an unexpected check in the mail from a relative (not my parents)–“just to help”? I’m doing this with my nieces and nephews. Funny, even with such a huge family like mine, people are so separate.:confused:
 
Hi Sparkle.

Honestly, I am not a fan of giving cash to family (or friends, for that matter) unless it is a gift for a special occasion (like a birthday or graduation or wedding) or if there is a desperate emergency. I think while it can’t be ruled out entirely, it requires careful discernment.

Both sides of our family are fortunate to be well off. My parents are extremely generous with the parish and their community. They are exceptionally kind to my siblings and I, but not necessarily monetarily.

My father was the son of a policeman who came over from Ireland and grew up during the Depression. My father worked from the time he was 14 and put himself through Catholic school and law school. He has had a successful law practice for 25 years, but only by the sweat of his own labor. No one handed anything to him, even when he was young and still in school and he and my mother started having babies. He worked all through law school–something that is not reccommended or even allowed in some schools now, but it was a necessity for him to support his family, and he still did exceptionally well.

My husband’s father is senior vice president of a bank trust company. He is the son of an Italian immigrant who made his money by drawing type for typesetters. My FIL put himself through college and worked his way up the bank ladder.

My own husband began working in his field at age 13 and was somewhat of a child prodigy, graduating early from school and attending college and grad school way before his time. He had massive student loans from the schools he attended, but we have paid all but a few thousand dollars off in the last few years. We did this through much sacrifice. We are both only 25. When we got married, we had almost nothing. We had to buy our bed, ALL of our furniture, our pots and pans, our television, etc. I have friends whose parents have furnished their homes for them or given them a down payment, bought them a second car, etc. This has not been offered to us and we would not accept it if it was.

We try to live safely and with stability. We have life insurance policies and disability insurance. We have renters insurance. We drives safe cars and keep them well-serviced and maintaned. We invest our money with careful discernment and know that the fruit of it will pay off later.

I just don’t believe in handouts. I worked full-time during college, too. My father could have paid for my tuition several times over, but he chose to let me do that and truly earn my education. He told me it would mean much more if I provided it for myself. I found out he was right.

I truly believe that where there is a will, there’s a way. My husband is fortunate to have a wonderful job and a consulting position on top of that. We have very specific financial goals and are working our way towards what we desire and feel will be best for our family. I have a lack of respect for individuals who feel entitled to other people’s hard-earned money, family or not. I do know that not everyone can find a job in today’s market, and my husband is very blessed. But I also recognize that he went out and earned this job through determination and as a result of previous hard work.

I do think there are CERTAIN situations where short-term help would be a possibility, but not necessarily in the shape of just handing money out. I think this quickly turns into expectations and possibly enabling. I have bought groceries for friends who needed it, I’ve paid a car insurance payment for my sister who unexpectedly lost a job, I’ve called old supervisors and asked if they could schedule an interview with so-and-so, because they’re in need of a job and would be a good match. When much is given, much is expected, but I think it is short-sighted to only include money as a means of generosity.
 
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Princess_Abby:
I just don’t believe in handouts. I worked full-time during college, too. My father could have paid for my tuition several times over, but he chose to let me do that and truly earn my education. He told me it would mean much more if I provided it for myself.

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AMEN!

To follow up on PA’s great post - Take for example my niece. She graduated high school this spring, moved out from her mom’s home and is struggling. Sometimes it is SSSOOOOOO hard for me to know that she is days away from eviction – and not just go pay her rent. My parents (her grandparents) watch the same way. This girl quits jobs because she does not like the schedules, is not enrolled in any type of school now – and is miserable!

She does have a standing offer to come live with my family or with her grandparents (both of us include use of a car with the living offer as she does not have a legal car). My parents have also offered her a job – both I and my parents have bought groceries, tanks of gas and clothes. We KNOW that simply handing her cash will be a mistake – she does need to grow up and stand on her own.
 
What you’re describing seems rather communistic to me. I pretty much have to agree with Abby. I have one major rule for giving money to family:
If you think you might ever want it back, or wish you could ask them to repay you, DON’T do it. One must be very careful not to damage family relationships by creating debt amongst siblings or parents or in-laws. It’s just a bad recipe.
There is nothing wrong with being well off. God will judge their hearts in how they handle their wealth. If one family member is ‘just getting by,’ I don’t think other wealthy family members have an obligation to help them ‘get by’ a little easier. I consider that enabling, and I think it does more damage than good.
Now, if you’re talking about giving a family member money to take a certification test to get a better job, sure.
If it’s a special gift because you know they’re working hard and stressed, fine.
If it’s something special for the kids for reaching a goal, go ahead, they earned it.
But I don’t believe in unwarranted handouts, even to family members. I’d buy them food or clothes, if that was what was needed, before I gave them money to buy the same things. It’s just the principle of it.
If possible, I believe time is the best thing you can give.

And I do put my money (and time) where my mouth is.
 
My family was poor but they offered money if I needed it. Because they were poor I never asked and instead worked. I have offered to help other family members out monetarily when I know that they’re working hard and have an emergency. I never expect to be paid back so it is a gift. This was also the philosophy of my husband’s family toward us. At times my husband has worked three jobs and I have worked two, just so we didn’t have to ask. I think that we set the example for our son too because he has a similar attitude, and so does the woman he married.

We know that family is there for us in an emergency but we try not to create the emergency by not working, not saving, and spending beyond our means. On the oustside some family members appear to be “unChristian” in their giving, but I don’t know what they give to charity or to family. They don’t boast, and I don’t ask. If they’re giving to other family members that’s okay with me, because it’s none of my business. No one “owes” us anything, they would be there in an emergency, and we don’t abuse it.
 
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vluvski:
What you’re describing seems rather communistic to me. I pretty much have to agree with Abby. I have one major rule for giving money to family:
If you think you might ever want it back, or wish you could ask them to repay you, DON’T do it. One must be very careful not to damage family relationships by creating debt amongst siblings or parents or in-laws. It’s just a bad recipe.
There is nothing wrong with being well off. God will judge their hearts in how they handle their wealth. If one family member is ‘just getting by,’ I don’t think other wealthy family members have an obligation to help them ‘get by’ a little easier. I consider that enabling, and I think it does more damage than good.

Now, if you’re talking about giving a family member money to take a certification test to get a better job, sure.

If it’s a special gift because you know they’re working hard and stressed, fine.

If it’s something special for the kids for reaching a goal, go ahead, they earned it.

But I don’t believe in unwarranted handouts, even to family members. I’d buy them food or clothes, if that was what was needed, before I gave them money to buy the same things. It’s just the principle of it.
If possible, I believe time is the best thing you can give.

And I do put my money (and time) where my mouth is.
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I agree. Especially with the points I highlighted.

Malia
 
I think I detect a vein of “entitlement thinking” in the original post.

I’m not sure what business it is of anyone’s how an extended family member chooses to spend the money that is theirs. Who are you to decide what is an appropriate/extravagant lifestyle or to know the amount of sacrifice that generated the affluence you now observe? How do you know that in addition to travel, property and nice cars, your extended family members are not generously supporting some charitable or educational entity without discussing it with you? We are currently paying college tuition for one relative without discussing it beyond that family. I know I have never/would never casually discuss our monetary giving with my extended family.

I find myself somewhat with the shoe on the other foot as to the question you posed. I am from a very large extended family, and without knowing the precise details of anyone’s finances, I am aware that we have considerably more financial flexibility than most of my cousins. However, we have made some dramatically different life choices that have landed us where we are today.

Without getting on a soap box, I’ll just say that we often reap what we sow–especially since none of my family could be included in any population group which has experienced a history of discrimination or poverty–nor is there abuse or neglect at play. Different choices, priorities and effort yield different results. The fact that some exist on very modest incomes while others have great abundance is not an imbalance I feel needs “correcting.” It is the logical, natural outcome of personal decision making which I would no sooner interfere with than I would offer unsolicited marital or parenting advice. We have not arrived where we are through dishonesty, or manipulating the system nor has financial security come at someone else’s expense. The individual choices another person makes in regard to their own financial future produces an outcome over which I really have no control nor duty to remedy.

That being said–I feel like our family has been very supportive of its extended members on occasions of crisis: job loss, illness or death–giving generously of time, attention, prayers, and financial support. However, the folks with chronic financial woes are also the least likely to be meaningfully helped by having someone “rescue them” by bailing them out of the crisis du jour or otherwise throwing money at them.
 
I agree - the idea that if one member of the family has it then everyone has it doesn’t wash with me. I think it sets up all kinds of possible resentment situations (how come they gave my brother money but not me? how come my sister got her mortgage paid but not us?) and it will cause nothing but problems in the long run. Island Oak and Princess Abbey hit it right on the button - and especially if I came from a family that had any kind of dysfunction issues, it would be a very cold day for the devil before I would put myself in a position of entwining my finances with theirs.

My Auntie Della used to send all the kids cards for things like St. Valentine’s Day or St. Patrick’s Day. She always included a 5 dollar bill. I’m not talking about that kind of money giving - but there were times in college when that 5 bucks meant dinner! (she stopped the practice as each child in the family graduated from college - all of us did, btw, using scholarships, grants, loans and hard work).

And it is NEVER my business how other people are spending their money. Quite frankly, it’s their business and they do not owe anyone an explanation as to why they have what they have or give what they give.

No one in my family ever has to starve or live on the street, unless (of course) their lifestyle choices lend themselves to that sort of situation.

I think what Princess Abbey described is close to what my family situation is like - I have the least, monetarily, but I am so loved by these people that I feel rich every day I wake up.
 
I think that this is an admirable way to think, if you are the person with the money, you don’t expect to gain any control by your gifts, you are not attached to the family-wide admiration you imagine that it might gain you, and you are careful not to enable poor choices by your largess.

As for those of us with rich relatives who don’t have that kind of money ourselves, this thinking is a one-way ticket to bitterness. That they should be giving to someone hardly implies that they should be giving to us. We should be applying to God for help, without violating the commandment not to covet on our way to the altar.

The question I have is this: why just help your biological family? Why would you not help others less fortunate who don’t know you and therefore aren’t going to lavish you with personal gratitude? How often does it happen that your blood relatives are the most deserving of your charitable giving?

It seems to me that if you are well-off, you give what you have to whomever you see needs it and especially those who aren’t going to be in a position to repay. If your relatives are truly in straits and deserve your help, then you pull together what you have to help, whether you are “comfortable” or not.

Still, even that is easier said than done. All my qualifications can be very difficult to sort out, when one is faced with reality. If you can help your relatives without crippling them or making them beholden to you, more power to you.

PS My family is in the school of “you don’t have to look at your bank balance to see whether something is a waste of money”. Foolish things are foolish, even if you’re rich.
 
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BLB_Oregon:
PS My family is in the school of “you don’t have to look at your bank balance to see whether something is a waste of money”. Foolish things are foolish, even if you’re rich.
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:clapping:
 
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vluvski:
What you’re describing seems rather communistic to me. If one family member is ‘just getting by,’ I don’t think other wealthy family members have an obligation to help them ‘get by’ a little easier. I consider that enabling, and I think it does more damage than good.
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There ya go—that seems to be what I’m talking about. This exact attitude, that no one owes anybody anything. Everyone fend for oneself. No one has any obligation. I do think this stems from the depression era. I do think the rich ARE obligated here to some extent, look at the Bible verse "to those where much has been given, much is required."
Can’t help thinkin–this “to each his own” view bugs me. IF I was very rich, I would want to help the innocent ones in my family circle, those struggling (like the relative who just lost her loved one), or my friends I know, who have less than we do, or people who don’t know me, yes, including helping the poor, worthy causes like donating money to Catholic retreats and charities, schools, etc., rather than just storing up riches for myself.
BTW vluvaski----what do you mean this sounds “communistic”? Please explain.

God Bless~
Sparkle
 
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kage_ar:
AMEN!

To follow up on PA’s great post - Take for example my niece. She graduated high school this spring, moved out from her mom’s home and is struggling. Sometimes it is SSSOOOOOO hard for me to know that she is days away from eviction – and not just go pay her rent. My parents (her grandparents) watch the same way. This girl quits jobs because she does not like the schedules, is not enrolled in any type of school now – and is miserable!
QUOTE]
I think the “quitting jobs because she doesn’t like the schedule” perhaps is a warning-------she does need to grow up! But sounds like you all have helped her already in many wonderful ways!
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No one is recommending hoarding money all to yourself. “Every man for himself” is not what is being suggested here. One can tithe, have a handful of charities to make commitments to because their causes are close to your heart, and yes, help people who are in need, and if they are family members, one would be wise to do so only under the conditions I listed in my first post.

“Entitlement thinking” is probably more accurate than communistic. My point is that the whole idea of obligatory sharing of wealth is degrading to people who have worked extremely hard and made many sacrifices to enjoy a healthy income and a comfortable lifestyle. It is also a disservice to anyone who does not value hard work, because they’ll never learn.

Jesus had and has many disciples from many walks of life. Some are rich, some are poor. Some of the rich are called to abandon their material possessions; others are called to be generous in other ways. If it were a Christian duty to bring everyone around us to our same standard of living, the Church would have to nix a lot of saints.

Here’s a modern twist on a familiar story that demonstrates my point:
The Ant and the Grasshopper
 
vluvski"Entitlement thinking" is probably more accurate than communistic.:
The Ant and the Grasshopper
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LOVE this little story. THX! Gonna print that one out. I see what you mean about “entitlement thinking”. Is this a communist view? Just curious. But I suppose no matter how rich or poor, giving is the jist of it. “Love isn’t love till you give it away”.😃
 
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sparkle:
There ya go—that seems to be what I’m talking about. This exact attitude, that no one owes anybody anything. Everyone fend for oneself. No one has any obligation. I do think this stems from the depression era. I do think the rich ARE obligated here to some extent, look at the Bible verse "to those where much has been given, much is required."
Can’t help thinkin–this “to each his own” view bugs me. IF I was very rich, I would want to help the innocent ones in my family circle, those struggling (like the relative who just lost her loved one), or my friends I know, who have less than we do, or people who don’t know me, yes, including helping the poor, worthy causes like donating money to Catholic retreats and charities, schools, etc., rather than just storing up riches for myself.
BTW vluvaski----what do you mean this sounds “communistic”? Please explain.

God Bless~
Sparkle
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Sparkle,

I think the point is that you have absolutely no idea what your wealthy family members contribute to the greater good. Nor is it any of your business, as much as you might be curious. I think it’s extremely judgemental to assume that your relatives are merely “storing up riches” for themselves when in reality, they probably do not discuss with you their spending habits–charitable or otherwise. 🙂

I think it’s hard for me to feel like your perspective is totally unbiased, given that you’ve shared your own financial woes time and again and how your husband’s family helps you out on a frequent basis. You have also expressed how uncomfortable you are with this practice, so… I’m surprised to hear you advocating how wealthy family members should feel obligated to give handouts to those with less. You have intimated several times that the only reason your husband’s family gives you money is because your husband is “lazy” and doesn’t or won’t keep a steady job.

I would feel much more inclined to help a struggling family member if I was witnessing their continued efforts to keep their heads above water. This might come in the form of encouragement–suggesting and cheering for them as they make choices to go back to school and further their education. I would definitely keep praying for their endeavors and future success and stability. If that family member had a health emergency, and found themselves unable to care for themselves, I would certainly feel compelled to step in. If they did indeed go back to school to get a job or learn a trade in which to better support themselves, I would take a look at concrete ways in which I could help them financially IF I felt it was merited and fair. (Such as paying a car payment directly to the insurer–not just handing over 800 dollars a quarter, or whatever.)

However, I do not feel like rewarding slovenly behavior or poor choices. The reality is that some people lack ambition or refuse to work very hard. They want nice things and a certain lifestyle, but they do absolutely nothing but whine about how unfair it is they don’t have it, and expect those around them to provide it for free. Given that literally my entire family has worked and worked and worked to be where they are in life, I have no doubt that nearly anything is attainable if determination and hard work is willing to be applied.

The other reality, of course, is the truth of middle class. There is nothing wrong with making a decent salary and seeing most of it go to raising your family and paying the mortgage, with perhaps not a lot of extras. Still, there are creative ways to save money and plan for splurges. We all have different lots in life and the bible speaks about that, too.

I do not think the “answer” to extras in life has anything to do with milking rich family members. If you’re going to quote scripture, take a look at Matt 7:1. “Judge not lest ye be judged.” Do not look at your family members’ observable spending habits and assume you know everything about their financial situation or charitable contributions. Furthermore, don’t expect handouts that are unwarranted.

I would think that in the case of death, job loss or debilitating illness, any wealthy family member does have an obligation to find concrete ways to help–to the best of their ability. This means recognizing that people who appear to have a lot of money often don’t have cash at their fingertips. Money is tied up in investments and various assets or whatever else, but explanations such as this are simply not anyone else’s business.

The kind thing to do is assume–if, of course, you have to assume anything–that whatever they’re doing is the most they can do, and leave it at that in your mind.
 
yes, it is somewhat communistic.

The essence of communism is that everyone belongs to a community of equals. No matter what choices a person makes, no matter what profession they have chosen, no matter whether they save or squander, the government redistributes all the wealth so that everyone owns nothing (it all belongs to the government) and has posession of the same amount as everyone else.
 
My sister-in-law and her husband get $20,000 a year from his parents. (I think the amount has something to do with the gift tax.) Anyway, they are still always fighting about money, never have enough, and amazingly they resent his rich family for not doing more. In fact, we were also sending them $100 a month until my wife went back to school.

In terms of building their character, I don’t think all this “free” money has been very helpful. Just my opinion.
 
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Princess_Abby:
However, I do not feel like rewarding slovenly behavior or poor choices. The reality is that some people lack ambition or refuse to work very hard. They want nice things and a certain lifestyle, but they do absolutely nothing but whine about how unfair it is they don’t have it, and expect those around them to provide it for free. Given that literally my entire family has worked and worked and worked to be where they are in life, I have no doubt that nearly anything is attainable if determination and hard work is willing to be applied.

…
I do not think the “answer” to extras in life has anything to do with milking rich family members. If you’re going to quote scripture, take a look at Matt 7:1. “Judge not lest ye be judged.” Do not look at your family members’ observable spending habits and assume you know everything about their financial situation or charitable contributions. Furthermore, don’t expect handouts that are unwarranted.
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The reality is that even more people work their behinds off but then turn around and handle their money very poorly. It is not just that they don’t know how to say “no” to themselves. It is that they are emotionally and practically very poor at managing finances. Throwing more money at this problem will only make things worse, because every time the bank balance goes up, the imagined list of “necessities” gets longer.

The best scripture? Luke 12:13-15. Jesus refuses to get involved in the dispute when asked by a person for help in getting his share of his inheritance. His advice? “Take care to guard against all greed, for although one may be rich, one’s life does not consist of possessions.”
 
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sparkle:
There ya go—that seems to be what I’m talking about. This exact attitude, that no one owes anybody anything. Everyone fend for oneself. No one has any obligation. I do think this stems from the depression era. I do think the rich ARE obligated here to some extent, look at the Bible verse "to those where much has been given, much is required."
Can’t help thinkin–this “to each his own” view bugs me.
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The bible also says not to judge others, less you be judged as well. 😉

My parents have been both very poor and fairly rich. When I was little my Dad left and my Mom had to raise three girls, while working three jobs and going to school fulltime, with the CPS (child protection services) banging on the door demanding that she “prove” she was a fit mother. She was able to get her BS and go on to get her MS and become a high level manager. She worked hard, very hard, to give us what we needed, but if we wanted more we worked for it (she paid for college - I paid for my Taekwon-do lessons).

Now that they have money it’s amazing how many people assumed that they deserve “a piece of it”. They assume what they don’t know, that my parents don’t donate money, when infact they were constantly donating money (church, friends in dire need, etc). Plus their home is always open, and there are people constantly coming in and out (often when I visit I end up sleeping on the couch as it is the only available space).

There have been times I’ve needed money, but I never go to my parents first. Infact more often than not I’m trying to pay for things they would rather just give me. I never expect them to give me anything, that way I’m always thankful when they do. 👍
BTW vluvaski----what do you mean this sounds “communistic”? Please explain.
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A communist philosophy says that everyone should be equal in outcome no matter what their starting point is. In other words, if I make 20K a year and Joe makes 100K, he should give 40K to me so we both have 60. It doesn’t matter that I am a data monkey and he is a highly specialized doctor, we must end up equal at the end. One of the problems with this system is that those who can work will be less likely to do so, because it is all taken away from them.
 
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