My dad used to do that to my mom, and it continued until we all came down very hard on him and stopped tolerating it. My mom started standing up to him and made it very clear that such behavior was unacceptable. I also told him in no uncertain terms that such behavior was not going to sit with me.Does your spouse or significant other talk down to you, ever? Almost act like a parent to you? Belittle you, call you any names… obviously I’m speaking from a male talking to a female point of view, but even the other way around.
What do you do… why does this happen, and how do we handle it?
no, my husband never talks down to me, he never has, and he never will. but, I was previously married to a man that would talk down to me almost everyday for 10 years. I never talked down to him, nor to my husband now. Not my style. Just curious, why did you bring this subject up? for study? No reason to ask, just wondering. My marriage is built on love and respect for each other. We would never ever consider belittling each other. WeDoes your spouse or significant other talk down to you, ever? Almost act like a parent to you? Belittle you, call you any names… obviously I’m speaking from a male talking to a female point of view, but even the other way around.
What do you do… why does this happen, and how do we handle it?
Well, it seems as if he needs to go to some therapy himself. Some anger management and some sensitivity classes. I’m glad you are able to somewhat stand up to yourself. But there is one problem with standing up. That creates MUTUAL COMBAT.I ask because the man I am planning on marrying (we plan to be engaged soon) has been doing it a lot the past many months. We have been together almost 2 yrs, I would say this picked up especially about 1 year into things.
I’ve had a tough past and a lot of things that happened to me led me to be very quiet and unable to stand up for myself (a verbally abusive father and basically no father figure). My man knows ALL about my past and is deeply involved in me trying to deal with it, etc. In the past 2 yrs I’ve been in therapy and have learned a lot about that, and since have improved in standing up for myself.
A lot of times my man treats me as though he is trying to be my father. He has admitted that he speaks down to me and belittles me and has been trying and successfully working on fixing it, but lately it’s not been better. By nature he is a more “dominant” personality and I am totally the opposite. I have been trying to stand up for myself more and he, in turn, trying not to speak that way.
In the past few days though he has done some unheard of things. He called me a dumbass twice, and not on joking terms. Tonight he did it, and I told him to leave. He did, and then when we spoke on the phone he apologized, but said the only thing he did wrong was call me a dumbass, and that as a child I did not have enough discipline (true) and so when someone tells me I did something wrong I storm off like a kid. I said “That’s because you called me a dumbass,” and he said “YOU ARE A DUMBASS.” I realize this sounds so childish… and really, it WAS! I couldn’t believe it.
What others said about this behavior getting worse after marriage is true. And it can escalate to physical abuse as well. Physical abuse starts with this kind of treatment.
This could be another bad sign. A someone who was abused and who cannot stand up for herself you are seen as a weak person, an easy target. I have heard that abusive men are drawn to that type of woman.
Abuse and apology after is the typical cycle. You keep forgiving, and maybe you keep forgiving too easily. You need to be so careful because this kind of behavior could progress to physical violence.In the past few days though he has done some unheard of things. He called me a dumbass twice, and not on joking terms. Tonight he did it, and I told him to leave. He did, and then when we spoke on the phone he apologized, but said the only thing he did wrong was call me a dumbass, and that as a child I did not have enough discipline (true) and so when someone tells me I did something wrong I storm off like a kid. I said “That’s because you called me a dumbass,” and he said “YOU ARE A DUMBASS.” I realize this sounds so childish… and really, it WAS! I couldn’t believe it.
Arguing in a harsh way is one thing, everyone falls into that. But what is very alarming to me is how he sees himself as superior, treating you like he is your father (and like you are his child). That he is dominant and you are submissive is a bad combination.
That is a very strange thing to say especially if he knows that you had an abusive father. Is he trying to discipline you now? That sounds very domineering and again, alarming.
A great point, OP, remember what you felt like as an abused child. That could very well be what your children would experience with him as their father.
belittling, calling you names, if this is psychological abuse, and it sure sounds like it, it is wrong in a parent or a spouse, we handle it by stopping it, refusing to tolerate it, insisting on counselling or we end the relationship, by legal means if necessary. Normal parents and normal spouses do not behave this way. If we find ourselves repeatedly getting into relationships with people like this, we seek counselling ourselves to understand why and stop the destructive cycle.Does your spouse or significant other talk down to you, ever? Almost act like a parent to you? Belittle you, call you any names… obviously I’m speaking from a male talking to a female point of view, but even the other way around.
What do you do… why does this happen, and how do we handle it?
Even when I do stand up to him, he has a way of making me feel ridiculous. 
you need to stay in counselling until you yourself are able to understand abuse for what it is. The abuser always has anger issues sometimes deeply hidden under a facade of self-control and distance, which comes out in sarcasm, criticism and belittling. You have some good advice here, it is up to you whether you follow it. If you are not worrieda bout him being abusive you should be–be very worried.
Thank you. I will be concerned. Another thing to note is that my man is Catholic but has had a pornography addiction since he was a teenager. He’s been getting some help with this and managed to quit for a while, but I suspect he is back into it. I am much more observant than he thinks, and I can also tell in his behavior/the way he treats me if he has been viewing pornography. Pornography just destroys his respect for women. I was prepared to fight this battle through our relationship and marriage but I didn’t realize it could result in him actually being THIS demeaning to me.
Meg-- you think this will get better if you marry this guy???
You definitely need to focus on getting better- and I personally think that standing on your own and not being in a relationship is wise at this point. Especially a relationship that is repeating a pattern of abuse you are trying to heal from and break.
So, what your saying is “he’s really great, except when he’s abusing me”. L-E-A-V-E
Ok, now if someone else wrote this and you read it on an internet forum… what would your reply to such a scenario be???
Meg,
Meg-- Stop defending him!
If this is how you want your life to be forever, then move forward with him. If not-- break up for good. There are men out there who are not like this. I don’t think you really believe that or else you’d have shown this guy the door a long time ago. That’s why I said you need to be on your own and in therapy on your own.
You already are being abused.I’m not worried about him becoming abusive and I really don’t meet too many of those questions that I went through for the abusive spouse, but I AM worried about being treated like a 5 yr old as a wife and mother for the rest of my life. I think the best thing I can do is tell him I am not willing to get engaged until this gets fixed. The frustrating part is that he does not have a hard time admitting when he KNOWS he is wrong, but he RARELY thinks he is wrong!