Does your spouse talk down to you?

[bjj]

Meg, Do NOT marry this guy. Marriage is hard enough at times you do not need these additional problems. Name calling now will only lead to more name calling and other problems. Do NOT marry him even if he tells you he will change. He needs help and you need to continue to stand up for yourself. Distance yourself from him before he ruins your self worth.

 

[MegShmeg]

But what do I tell him? He will never take me seriously when I say that he is being abusive. He will just say I’m acting like a 5 year old who can’t accept my mistakes. Should I just let him have the reality and then let him go ponder on it, and not listen to any argument? That’s all I can think to do.

 

[slyboots]

MegShmeg:

But what do I tell him? He will never take me seriously when I say that he is being abusive. He will just say I’m acting like a 5 year old who can’t accept my mistakes. Should I just let him have the reality and then let him go ponder on it, and not listen to any argument? That’s all I can think to do.

How about telling him that unless he gets counseling you will not be in his life? And stick to your guns on that statement.

 

[1ke]

MegShmeg:

But what do I tell him? He will never take me seriously when I say that he is being abusive. He will just say I’m acting like a 5 year old who can’t accept my mistakes. Should I just let him have the reality and then let him go ponder on it, and not listen to any argument? That’s all I can think to do.

Well, I’d kick him to the curb without explanation-- but that’s me.

If you are intent on “working on” this relationship, I suggest you get a couple of books, For Better… Forever by Greg Popcak for starters. It’s a workbook format so you can go through it together.

The best way to handle things is to sit down and discuss, not in the heat of the moment but as a rational person. Fighting does not solve anything.

 

[Tonks40]

MegShmeg:

But what do I tell him? He will never take me seriously when I say that he is being abusive. He will just say I’m acting like a 5 year old who can’t accept my mistakes. Should I just let him have the reality and then let him go ponder on it, and not listen to any argument? That’s all I can think to do.

Something you may want to do is to seek counseling for yourself. It’s obvious from your posts that you feel defenseless agains his verbal attacks and you’re mentally putting up barriers towards becoming more assertive towards him.

Stop seeing him. Stop talking to him. Get the help you need. You don’t need to put up with this any further. As far as what to say to him, you’ve said what you feel to him already. If he doesn’t get it, that really isn’t your problem anymore.

I understand how the heart can be. You want to see the good side of people, especially towards the ones you love. But when they are consistant in not respecting you, not loving you, the way you love them, then there’s a major problem here.

God bless you!

 

[Petite]

May I suggest you pick up a copy of this book:

*Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself * (Paperback)
by Melody Beattie

Also, you might find this link helpful: soulselfhelp.on.ca/CodependantP.html

Many people have written excellent advice on this thread! I realize it’s hard to see what’s going on in the relationship from the inside out in matters such as this. From what you have written, this relationship has a lot of struggle already written into it! Even very good relationships have struggles. But you are starting with quite a load already!

Please, for the sake of your own goodness, consider what the long term implications of marriage with an man who treats you as your finance is currently treating you! Many of us have been there, done that, and suffered the emotional scars.

I will keep you and your fiance in my prayers!

 

[redtech]

I find myself talking down to my husband sometimes. We really don’t argue very often. My husband seems to have self-esteem issues sometimes. He says all the time that he’s stupid and what should I expect because he doesn’t know any better.

Sometimes (not very often), I get really frustrated and just agree that he’s stupid because all the motivation that I try to give him goes nowhere. Most of the time, I try instead to say something demeaning about our local school (I am from another town) and say they must not have done a very good job if they didn’t provide him with a good education.

If my husband talked down to me though, I’d have to flatten him so I try not to say anything demeaning, but I am guilty occasionally.

 

[Cadence]

Maybe you could both go and see your priest or someone in your church who does pre-cana. Sometimes the view of an outside person can help - not only for YOU but for him also. Tell him that you are not willing to become engaged until you do this. Tell him you are very concerned that you don’t allow your past to affect your choice in a husband and that you need the outside view from someone who knows. Maybe also have dinner with a married couple whose marriage you respect and then ask them for their opinion about you as a couple.
You should not become engaged until you have sorted these issues out. They will only get worse after you are married.

If he cannot respect your feelings and views enough to take what you say seriously then this is a serious problem. As Dr Phil says, in a parent/child relationship eventually the child rebels and then grows up and moves on. You will eventually try to rebel against him if he treats you as a child.

Please, speak to your priest.

 

[setter]

MegShmeg:

But what do I tell him? He will never take me seriously when I say that he is being abusive. He will just say I’m acting like a 5 year old who can’t accept my mistakes. Should I just let him have the reality and then let him go ponder on it, and not listen to any argument? That’s all I can think to do.

The thread is beginning to sound more like a survey: stay with him or leave him.

It sounds like you are both made for each other in a unhealthy complement. But, now that you are desiring and demanding change to not repeat the abusive patterns of your past, BF is resisting such change through his actions, though giving lip service and offering gestures of openness to change (attending therapy session and “He admitted it and we all talked about how he **could change ** it” – emphasis “could”). You CANNOT make him change.

I agree with the previous poster that this is certainly not an EGO problem, but a much more deeply ingrained character, i.e., personal belief, social training and attitude problem.

The short and surest solution is to dump him and be rid of his abuse and start a fresh; first with getting yourself well established as a basis for attracting and seeking a well established Catholic man of virtue.

The long and open ended and arduous choice is to stay with this guy in hopes of him eventually choosing to make substantial and long lasting change in the direction (remember you cannot make him change or even direct which direction that he will change) that is acceptable to you.

 

[Palamite]

Meg,

You’re not married to this man. Strictly speaking, you don’t owe him anything. If this is how he’s carrying on now, you can expect this to continue once you’re married. I’d suggest breaking things off. Harsh, but you’re just going to be miserable in the future - you’re not even “stuck” with him yet, and you already seem pretty hurt.

 

[Halo]

Yes my mother called off her wedding 4 weeks before the date.
She saw in the man a life time of him calling all the shots, making changes without consulting her etc. I guess all this side of him came out close to the wedding day.

 

[MegShmeg]

I spoke to him and told him a good combination of what we talked about here in a very firm way. He admitted that he needs help and that he will go to the therapist this weekend and talk about it. Then he got VERY angry at me and said he was not coming to my father’s with me this weekend and instead was going to Atlantic City to play cards because he just “doesn’t give a s*** anymore.” I told him… fine, if that’s the way it will be, then consider it over. Eventually he said he thinks I also have a problem and he’s angry that I am blaming it all on him and calling it his fault only, when I act like a child, etc. When we got through the anger we both apologized and said we do want to try to make it work, but it is just a mess of anger, really.

At any rate, we are not seeing each other tonight, maybe not until Saturday when we are going to visit my father and therapy. But tomorrow night we have RCIA, so I suppose we will see each other then as he is my sponsor.

 

[momof3boys]

I have been in two past relationships with people who sound like what you are describing. Please, please, please, realize things do not get better just because you marry them or stay with them. If he talks to you this way, he doesn’t truly love you. The way he puts it back on you “acting like a child” is awful. I’m not saying it’s all his fault, but obviously you two have issues that need to be worked out, or you should go your seperate ways. You might both be better off w/o each other.
Just think of a lifetime of things continuing the way they are now. How miserable! And what an awful way for your future children to see that relationship and think it’s normal.
God Bless you.

 

[ReginaNova]

MegShmeg:

I spoke to him and told him a good combination of what we talked about here in a very firm way. He admitted that he needs help and that he will go to the therapist this weekend and talk about it. Then he got VERY angry at me and said he was not coming to my father’s with me this weekend and instead was going to Atlantic City to play cards because he just “doesn’t give a s*** anymore.” I told him… fine, if that’s the way it will be, then consider it over. Eventually he said he thinks I also have a problem and he’s angry that I am blaming it all on him and calling it his fault only, when I act like a child, etc. When we got through the anger we both apologized and said we do want to try to make it work, but it is just a mess of anger, really.

At any rate, we are not seeing each other tonight, maybe not until Saturday when we are going to visit my father and therapy. But tomorrow night we have RCIA, so I suppose we will see each other then as he is my sponsor.

Meg–I see from your profile that you are not even 20 yet. Honey, this relationship is all wrong. Please, please do not cling to it. Or at least work out this and the other issues of respect and anger before you go any further with talk of marriage. You are too young to be considering marriage when there are such issues. I think in your heart you have misgivings by virtue of the fact that you started this thread. If you heart isn’t singing with joy only, then this is probably not the right guy for you. Trust in God, he will show you the way to the right guy, if only you let Him.

 

[coyote]

YOUR words:

MegShmeg:

But what do I tell him? He will never take me seriously when I say that he is being abusive. He will just say I’m acting like a 5 year old who can’t accept my mistakes. Should I just let him have the reality and then let him go ponder on it, and not listen to any argument? That’s all I can think to do.

Even when I do stand up to him, he has a way of making me feel ridiculous.

You have been given very sound and very good advice. It seems obvious that you are unable or unwilling, at this point, to have an objective perspective on his behavior.

You need to involve an objective third party.
This is what you do, consult an experienced, knowledgable PROFESSIONAL and follow his/her advice.

BTW

I stood up and gave him the most meaningfully angry look I could, and left the room.

This IS childish behavior.

 

[coyote]

MegShmeg:

But tomorrow night we have RCIA, so I suppose we will see each other then as he is my sponsor.

Quite frankly, You need to request a different sponsor.

 

[puzzleannie]

MegShmeg:

I .

At any rate, we are not seeing each other tonight, maybe not until Saturday when we are going to visit my father and therapy. But tomorrow night we have RCIA, so I suppose we will see each other then as he is my sponsor.

spouses and fiances are not supposed to be godparents or RCIA sponsors. get a new sponsor. your parish will provide one if you have no one else. preferably someone who believes and lives by Catholic teaching on the dignity of women. You have the advice, if you do not get help from an objective third party and get out of this relationship you are headed for a life of misery. we will be praying for you.

 

[KCT]

MegShmeg:

I spoke to him and told him a good combination of what we talked about here in a very firm way. He admitted that he needs help and that he will go to the therapist this weekend and talk about it. Then he got VERY angry at me and said he was not coming to my father’s with me this weekend and instead was going to Atlantic City to play cards because he just “doesn’t give a s*** anymore.” I told him… fine, if that’s the way it will be, then consider it over. Eventually he said he thinks I also have a problem and he’s angry that I am blaming it all on him and calling it his fault only, when I act like a child, etc.

Blaming you for being open and sharing your feelings? Sounds like he can’t take responsibility for his actions. Not a good thing.

You’ve already admitted you have a problem and are getting help. Why did he need to throw that in your face? —KCT

 

[1ke]

MegShmeg:

I spoke to him and told him a good combination of what we talked about here in a very firm way. He admitted that he needs help and that he will go to the therapist this weekend and talk about it.

I think these are empty promises. This person lacks character, it’s screaming off the page with every post you make. He’s not a good person, period.

MegShmeg:

Then he got VERY angry at me and said he was not coming to my father’s with me this weekend and instead was going to Atlantic City to play cards because he just “doesn’t give a s*** anymore.”

Meg, this is not how a normal person acts. You are both rather young and immature, and compounded are your issues you are trying to work through. Can you not see that this type of behavior is abusive???

MegShmeg:

I told him… fine, if that’s the way it will be, then consider it over.

But you didn’t mean it and he knew it. He will continue abusing you.

MegShmeg:

Eventually he said he thinks I also have a problem and he’s angry that I am blaming it all on him and calling it his fault only, when I act like a child, etc. When we got through the anger we both apologized and said we do want to try to make it work, but it is just a mess of anger, really.

This is not the way adults behave. Too bad you didn’t leave it at the “over” part but instead went on to attempt to reconcile.

MegShmeg:

At any rate, we are not seeing each other tonight, maybe not until Saturday when we are going to visit my father and therapy. But tomorrow night we have RCIA, so I suppose we will see each other then as he is my sponsor.

Get another sponsor. They should not have assigned his as your sponsor. It’s easy to ask for another.

 

[jc-servant]

When I’ve been interested in a man who I observe to talk down or ugly to anyone, a waiter, a service provider like a housekeeper or whatever, I RUN the other way!

I’m not a therapist and I’m not going to dedicate my life to trying fix a man. I’ve watched too many women friends who start out with a man who acts ugly toward other people and then when they get comfortable in the relationship it turns on the girlfriend/wife.

The only man who I need above all others is Jesus. Even a husband will have to come second to Him. I trust the Lord enough to know that He has a good and faithful man somewhere just for me who will treat me with respect. Why settle for less?