Does your spouse talk down to you?

[1ke]

MegShmeg:

The truth is that whenever I read the replies here I get an overwhelming sense of dread. I really do.

Maybe you were expecting replies along the lines of “oh, that’s normal…everybody does that sometimes” and what you got is “no, normal people don’t do that… run for your life”.

I think the fact that ALL the replies have been consistent in the fact that this is unacceptable behavior in a spouse, and that a spouse of character and intergrity would never do these things, has led you to understand that your situation is not as common or as acceptable as you thought it was.

Of course that would put the big lump in the pit of your stomach, because the idea of life without him is scary. Right now it’s more scary than staying with him and taking the abuse.

BUT, I promise you, when you find a true man of integrity that loves and cares for you… you’ll look back on what’s-his-name and give yourself a good kick in your behind for ever tolerating him for one second.

 

[dulcissima]

Hi Meg,

I am really glad that you posted this. When I was your age, I was engaged to a man that talked down to me a lot, who would say hurtful things, mock me, criticize my family, etc. I knew that he really did care about me, and he did have many wonderful qualities. My mom didn’t want me to marry him because he had a willingness to hurt me. I knew that he was really just a wounded soul and thought that my love, understanding, and forgiveness would bring him the healing that he needed.

That was almost 20 years ago. My mom was right. I never should have married him. I did though, and in twenty years he has managed to almost totally destroy me, first emotionally, my self-esteem and confidence, then physically, and finally spiritually. We had 4 kids, and I was totally controlled by this “man”, emotionally, sexually, financially, in every way. He criticized everything I did, but wanted heaps of praise for anything he would do. He criticized and complained about any friends that I made. He criticized and belittled my family. He wanted me isolated and dependent solely on him, probably so that I would not be able to see the truth about his behavior and our “marriage”. Seriously, about two years ago, I found myself realizing that I was totally worthless. That was after being told that I was a “broken part that could be replaced.”

Well, I started thinking about who I was when I was a child and who God created me to be, and I wanted to be that person so much. So, I have been working on that, making progress, although it is difficult. I’m making plans with the help of my family to leave him, and I am going to do it.

You are young, Meg, and you have not yet made the mistake of marrying this man who does not value you for being you. He may have a dominant personality, but don’t let him use your easy-going and loving personality against you. It is so much easier to make a course correction now. Don’t be naive enough to think that the good outweighs the bad in your fiance. Don’t be naive enough to think that you can help him. If you really want to help him, you need to leave him, because he will never be happy with you. You will never truly be happy with someone who won’t let you be you either.

 

[setter]

Originally Posted by MegShmeg
But what do I tell him? He will **never take me seriously ** when I say that he is being abusive. **He will just say I’m acting like a 5 year old ** who can’t accept my mistakes. Should I just let him have the reality and then let him go ponder on it, and not listen to any argument? That’s all I can think to do.

Originally Posted by MegShmeg
Eventually he said he thinks I also have a problem and he’s angry that I am blaming it all on him and calling it his fault only, when I act like a child, etc.

A tell tale sign of an abuser: They are unable to relate to others as equals. Why? They need to be in control. Why? It is a pathological power and control need that they have stemming from their own inadequacies and undeveloped social training. So they treat others as inferiors, they constantly point the finger outward in blame and accusation to avoid any self-reflection. Abusers defense is to take the offense and turn the tables and accuse the victim exactly of what he himself is perpetrating.

Here is a reality test for you: Insist that this boyfriend treat you as an equal and not blame or accuse you for his misbehavior and attitude problem when confronted. Then get out your scorecard for each offense beyond his being on best behavior when he knows that the magnifying glass of suspicion/scrutiny is on him.

 

[Island_Oak]

Meg:

By chance have you read the “Heartbroken” thread on this forum? It reads like something you could post in 5 years. Pull your head out of the clouds and face the reality of your situation before it’s too late. You need to make some tough, painful decisions now because you can’t even begin to imagine how much more painful and frustrating it will be for you 5,10 or 15 years from now.

 

[MercedesBents]

Here’s some food for thought: would you want your children to grow up, thinking this is the way men treat women?

And I can guarantee if he’s abusive to you, he’d be abusive to the children of your marriage too. You have them to think about, in addition to yourself.

 

[coyote]

Island Oak:

Meg:

Pull your head out of the clouds and face the reality of your situation before it’s too late. You need to make some tough, painful decisions now because you can’t even begin to imagine how much more painful and frustrating it will be for you 5,10 or 15 years from now.

It won’t take 5, 10 or 15 years. The distress will arise within months along with the escalation in abuse.

It will go beyond frustration. You could end up living a life like a prisonor of war. You might forget what sanity is like, what hope is like, what joy is like. You may forget what you are like.

For myself, the hardest thing to let go of was the dreams we shared about what our marriage was going to be. It never became that and all the dreams became failures. I think I greived most for the loss of the dreams.

 

[ConcernCatholic]

coyote:

It won’t take 5, 10 or 15 years. The distress will arise within months along with the escalation in abuse.

It will go beyond frustration. You could end up living a life like a prisonor of war. You might forget what sanity is like, what hope is like, what joy is like. You may forget what you are like.

For myself, the hardest thing to let go of was the dreams we shared about what our marriage was going to be. It never became that and all the dreams became failures. I think I greived most for the loss of the dreams.

Exactly, I lived with my ex for less than 2 months before he showed his true colors. When we weren’t living together, he was much better at masking his abuse. My dad kicked me out because of my relationship with this abusive guy so I ended up living with him. He was the center of my life for those 2 months. I had no idea that things would end up like they did. If I talked on the phone, he had to hear every word I was saying and if he didn’t like what I was talking about he sure would let me know about it. The prisoner of war analogy definitely fits. I couldn’t do anything without his “permission”. The “rules” in his house were much more strict than the ones at my parents house. The rules were never stated explicitly but I definitely knew what I could and couldn’t do. He got drunk one night and got so scary that I had to go to his parents house for refuge. Needless to say, I left the following weekend. I had to do some major kissing up to my parents and family so I could go back home. Thank God we weren’t married. I don’t recommend living in sin like this but it is what it took for me to see the light. I can definitely verify that it doesn’t take years to see this. The minute they think you belong to them, you are in for a rough time.

If you think you can somehow save your boyfriend, you are sadly mistaken. Guys like this don’t usually change. They only mask the abusiveness until they have you trapped then all H— breaks loose.