Does your spouse talk down to you?

[ConcernCatholic]

Meg, PLEASE LEAVE THIS MAN NOW!!!

After reading through this thread, I had to add my two cents. When I was 19, I got engaged to a guy that was very emotionally abusive. Reading your description of how he treats you is exactly how my fiance at 19 treated me. He constantly had me questioning my ability to be an adult. He would ask my opinion about things and then would undermine my decision. I was very insecure and felt horrible while with him. There was always empty promises of trying to fix things. Yes, I do have a messed up family but it was not his place to point out every flaw in them and drive a huge wedge between us. He was rude to my father and my father told me it was him or the family so I moved in with the guy for about 2 months. I don’t think cohabitation was a good idea but it definitely woke me up as to how horrible this man was. Let me tell you from experience that you DO NOT want to marry a man like him and have a life like this because you will be treated as a child and have no say in anything and he will beat you down every chance he gets. I did leave him but it took 6 months for him to get it through his head that I was finished with him. It was much like you described where I would tell him he had to do such and such and then we would fight, and then apologize, and then be a sweet for a while, and then he would go back to his old ways without ever making any kind of real attempt to change anything. I would like to give your BF the benefit of the doubt but I can’t because I have seen this too many times. My sisters and I all ended up with abusive men that we all eventually left. We have a very messed up co-dependant family so I can relate to you on that. The problem he has with pornography is a deal breaker in my opinion. If you are not married, then leave. My oldest sister was with an abusive man that was addicted to pornography. The porn alone is a problem but when you add the type of personality you describe, you are asking for trouble for yourself and future children. It is NOT an ego problem or an anger problem, it is a CONTROL issue. My sister’s ex is now in prison for molesting our niece. He started out as verbally abusive and then moved to physical violence and somewhere along the line decided to molest my little niece. Yes, I am trying to scare you. These type of men do not change and will only cause you heartache. It is best to leave him now while you can. It will be hard because he will not take you seriously and will take any attempt that you make to break up as you being a child that is still being controlled by your parents. “You don’t really want to break up with me, you are just being childish.” You will have to grow a backbone and seek counseling. If you do not want a lifetime of heartache, leave now. I know that it is so easy to listen to the empty promises and be dazzled into staying with him. My ex had our honeymoon planned out and was going to take me to the Virgin Islands. He tried to sweeten the deal to keep me. It is a vicious cycle. You get unhappy and want him to make changes so he says he will. The next thing you know he is back to his old ways. It is a never ending cycle. He obviously does not take you seriously and is questioning your ability to think as an adult. How much older than you is your BF? I will keep you in my prayers. It took me quite a while to realize how bad things really were when I was in that relationship. I had to go to counseling and learn to stand on my own two feet. Even after we broke up, he still came to my work and would try to “fix” things or make me question myself. My favorite time of all was when he came to my work to tell me “It is a cold cruel world out there.” (Another attempt to scare me and get me to go back to him.) Of course my response: “Well, the world I live in is rather warm and cozy.” That kept him away for quite a while but he did eventually come back to my work. I ended up calling campus police and they told him not to step foot on that campus again. I have gone on too long. I will keep you in my prayers because I know how difficult this situation is. Your post leads me to believe that you know in your heart that it is not right for you. You just need to find it within you to do something about it. He is making you question your own ability to think and make decisions so your judgement is very cloudy. You are second guessing everything that you are saying and doing. Stop second guessing yourself!!! You ARE NOT A CHILD and don’t let him tell you otherwise. I was able to move on and am happily married to a nonabusive man. You don’t realize how bad it really is until you get out of it.

 

[Black_Jaque]

I’d say we both probably talk down to each other to some degree.

It comes from a poor way of expressing yourself. I realized that rather than using a derogatory name, to start challenging her to be the woman she was created to be.

Rather than, “you idjit”

I try to say, “You’re smarter than that!”

Or , “suck it up and act like a woman”

I noticed that she employed the same tactic on me. “As the head of the household you just might have to…” WOW! I didn’t exactly turn all gushy but I could feel myself being lifted up! I kinda gulped, mulled it over, and eventually did what I had to do.

 

[tamccrackine]

I have to agree with ConcernCatholic. I was reading their post and nodding my head as it brought back some bad memories. I did the same thing, had the same type of relationship. The emotional abuse was just the start, then it turned mental, then it turned physical. I finally left before it got deadly. I was lead down a road that has left a painful hole in my life that I wish didn’t exsist. I was left with guilt and remorse that only Christ was able to help heal because this supposed man led me to believe an abortion would solve a problem. He even cheated on me and threw it in my face, said I was too immature for him. I even left my college one weekend to meet up with him in his hometown, only to find him at a local pool hall with some hussy hanging all over him, drooling, and he laughed in my face about it. Thankfully, I told him right then “I’m better than this. I don’t know what made me think you’re a man.” And he told everyone around him “yeah, she’ll be back.” I didn’t… and the only reason why was (thankfully) I had friends at school that probably would have killed me had I done so.

Co-dependancy is not healthy. Having a normal, safe, equally dependant relationship with a husband that is rooted in love and respect feels NOTHING like having a co-dependant relationship. Your heart will truly sing when you meet that person God intended you to be with.

If you respect yourself for who God created you to be, you wouldn’t allow this man to destroy you. If you are crying out now, before ya’ll are even married… you will be howling later if you don’t get out now. It will only get worse. Only YOU can make that decision. My grandfather once told me that a man’s character at 18 is the same at 28, 38, 108. (I have to caveat that unless HE changes and leads a life with Christ) But what he’s showing now, unless he changes (which he’s showing he doesn’t want to)- he’s going to be ugly.

Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[auroraj42]

Meg,
I know this has been said many times in this thread, but you must get away from this boy. A man does not treat someone like this, especially someone he claims to love.

In Jr. High and High School I dated a boy who talked down to me, belittled me, took out all his low self-esteem issues on me. He turned me into a sad, sullen, terrified person. I was too weak to stand up to him until it had gone on for too many years. I had problems with anorexia nervosa and over eating that I still battle to this day. My self-esteem was shot, and not only did my boyfriend treat me this way, my father did too, and dad rewarded Rob for doing this to me. They seemed to revel in it. I was submissive, until I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. That light for me was my high school graduation, and leaving for college. My senior year I began to stand up for myself, my dad and Rob viewed it as being openly defiant, but my mom finally saw what she’d been trying to help me do(and help herself do). We still are working on standing up to dad, and its getting better (its been 11 years, and it still takes work, and sometimes he still gets mad when we stand up for ourselves, but we just keep working on it, but this is a different situation than with a boyfriend, my dad is my dad for life).

I left for college that fall, and I had chosen a different school than Rob, he was extremely upset about my choice. He called me often at school, trying to check up on me, and continue his control, and it worked until that Thanksgiving. In October I had met a wonderful young man who befriended me, and became my calculus tutor. He also helped me cut off Rob’s control and abuse and find my self, my soul, and my worth. At Thanksgiving I went home and went out to dinner with Rob and a mutual friend, I slipped up and talked about my friends at school, Tim’s name came up, and Rob knew that his reign of terror was over, and he actually threatened to follow me back to school to be able to meet Tim. I knew that if he did it was going to be bad, and that they both could get hurt. I lied to Rob and said that Tim was just a tutor, and that it wasn’t anything for him to worry about…but I also knew that I’d never speak to Rob again after that dinner. I never spoke to him again. I refused his calls and emails, I even cut off contact with the other friend who went to dinner with us that night. I made a fresh start.

Had it not been for Tim, it would have taken much longer to do all of that, but I finally saw my self worth and value as a human being because while Tim was teaching me calculus he was teaching me that I had intelligence and that I was someone special. I asked Tim to be my boyfriend, and he refused. He told me that he couldn’t do that while I was vulnerable, but that we could still be friends, and work on my issues together, and maybe once I knew myself, and what I wanted from life and how I wanted to be treated we could reconsider it. That was about 9 years ago, we’ve now been married for 3 years and are preparing for our first child. He doesn’t belittle me, call me names, or otherwise abuse me. He treats me with respect, love, and gentleness.

Get away from this boy who is already abusing you, you are in danger-physical, emotional, and spiritual danger. Look to God for strength, ask Him for the help you need to break away from this boy. You must get away from this boy. He wishes to harm you, and your growing faith. Talk to your priest, he will help you.

Please know that you are in my prayers!
Jamie

 

[MegShmeg]

I believe that I skewed the situation. Obviously there is a problem, but I failed to point out all the good parts about this man. I do respect everything everyone is saying and he and I both realize that he is in need of help, and I am willing to see it through. If things do not improve, he said, he will know that he has to leave.

Things have been rough lately. But he led me to the Catholic faith. He has been with me through my dealings with my past. He takes care of me, is very generous, thinks of me first. He did not push me into the faith. What I saw in him was a light, and I feel a true vocation here. I know that I am young. I am willing to take my time. But I am not going to leave, I am going to give him a chance. Have I spoken to him about talking to me like a child before? Yes. Has it improved? Greatly… but yes, he did call me a name twice. The first time I was unable to stay angry and had some time away, cooling off, and let it go.

He has a wonderful family. They are all headstrong and use strong words, but within their family they understand each other this way and aren’t offended by it. I know this sounds like I am totally insane and in denial. I’m not trying to make excuses for him, but to explain it somehow… I suppose. You might reply to me telling me I am in total denial and need to get out. I don’t believe that I need to get out. I have truly prayed about this situation and understand that I am not to run off. Perhaps someone can try to understand…

 

[kage_ar]

puzzleannie:

spouses and fiances are not supposed to be godparents or RCIA sponsors. get a new sponsor. your parish will provide one if you have no one else. preferably someone who believes and lives by Catholic teaching on the dignity of women.

Please listen to PA here.

 

[ConcernCatholic]

MegShmeg:

I believe that I skewed the situation. Obviously there is a problem, but I failed to point out all the good parts about this man. I do respect everything everyone is saying and he and I both realize that he is in need of help, and I am willing to see it through.

I don’t think you skewed the situation that much. I may be wrong due to my own past history. My ex had a bunch of wonderful qualities. There are some qualities he had that I wish my husband had. And yes, I do still have feelings for my ex even though it has been over 10 years ago. I don’t think anyone wants you to deny the wonderful qualities he has we just don’t want you to underestimate the power of his problems. My sister and I had a discussion about how our ex’s could be so wonderful. That, however, did not erase the abusive aspects. I am glad that you are willing to help him just don’t do so at the expense of yourself. You are still young and have your whole life ahead of you. You are not his wife yet. I think we are just trying to tell you the things we wish someone had told us.

MegShmeg:

Things have been rough lately. But he led me to the Catholic faith. He has been with me through my dealings with my past. He takes care of me, is very generous, thinks of me first. He did not push me into the faith. What I saw in him was a light, and I feel a true vocation here. I know that I am young. I am willing to take my time. But I am not going to leave, I am going to give him a chance. Have I spoken to him about talking to me like a child before? Yes. Has it improved? Greatly… but yes, he did call me a name twice. The first time I was unable to stay angry and had some time away, cooling off, and let it go.

It is wonderful that this man led you to the Catholic faith. Please be careful and pray that he is true to his word. My ex helped me deal with a lot of issues that I had. He helped me through some really difficult times both emotionally and financially. He would give me anything. I was very madly in love with that man and he took advantage of it. Just remember that this is how you will spend the rest of your life. I went to counseling with my ex and everything else. He definitely made the effort to “change” but it still did not erase all the pain and heartache he caused and he never did change for the better. For every step forward we took, it seemed that we would fall back three or four. Without him, I would not be the person that I am today. I learned quite a bit about myself in that relationship but it is not one that I could have lived in everyday for the rest of my life. Every time I got up, I felt like he would just beat me right back down.

MegShmeg:

He has a wonderful family. They are all headstrong and use strong words, but within their family they understand each other this way and aren’t offended by it. …

What do you mean by strong words? Insults? If you have a history of abuse in your family, you are going to naturally gravitate towards other abusive people. My ex’s family was wonderful. They put me on a pedestal. We had family game nights, went to outings together, and appeared to be one big happy family. They helped us do wedding planning and helped arrange for a honeymoon in the Virgin Islands. My family was never that involved and didn’t seem to care much about anything.

MegShmeg:

I know this sounds like I am totally insane and in denial. I’m not trying to make excuses for him, but to explain it somehow… I suppose. You might reply to me telling me I am in total denial and need to get out. I don’t believe that I need to get out. I have truly prayed about this situation and understand that I am not to run off. Perhaps someone can try to understand…

You are not completely insane. You are completely in love. If you don’t think you need to get out, then stay the course but just be careful. One day you can have a grip on things and the next day they can be so messed up that you don’t know which way to turn. I think the problem is that many of us do understand where you are coming from because we have been there. I know I was there. I defended my ex all the time. Nobody could see what I saw in him. If I tried to seek advice, people would twist what I was saying and make me sound like the crazy one for being with him. I tried to stay the course but it finally wore me out and I had to get out. Please be realistic and openminded. Don’t get engaged or married until these issues are resolved. Be there for him but set a realistic time limit so that they don’t continue indefinitely.

 

[1ke]

MegShmeg:

I believe that I skewed the situation. Obviously there is a problem, but I failed to point out all the good parts about this man.

No, Meg, you did not. Certainly there are some “good parts” to him. BUT, that in no way negates the bad parts. You are basically saying, “He’s a really great guy except when he’s being verbally and emotionally abusive.”. It’s not like a kind word or flowers or whatever can *make up for * calling you names, belittling you, and treating you with disrespect. Those things can manipulate you and your feelings, but they are not signs of his “goodness”.

At the heart of it, he is an emotionally abusive man. Period.

MegShmeg:

I do respect everything everyone is saying and he and I both realize that he is in need of help, and I am willing to see it through. If things do not improve, he said, he will know that he has to leave.

Meg, you cannot fix him.

MegShmeg:

Things have been rough lately. But he led me to the Catholic faith. He has been with me through my dealings with my past. He takes care of me, is very generous, thinks of me first.

His actions speak loud and clear that he does not “take care of you” or “think of you first”. That he led you to explore Catholicism is nice, but is no reason to marry him.

MegShmeg:

But I am not going to leave, I am going to give him a chance.

And that is your choice to make. Don’t expect those here to approve of it, agree with it, or praise it. I think it’s a mistake.

MegShmeg:

Have I spoken to him about talking to me like a child before? Yes. Has it improved? Greatly… but yes, he did call me a name twice. The first time I was unable to stay angry and had some time away, cooling off, and let it go.

So, basically you’re saying… he only treats me bad some of the time. Hello-- some of the time is not acceptable.

MegShmeg:

He has a wonderful family. They are all headstrong and use strong words, but within their family they understand each other this way and aren’t offended by it.

#1 you would be marrying him, not his family. He is not wonderful to you, or to them apparently. Sounds like they have a poor dynamic in the family of origin. Not a good sign.

MegShmeg:

I know this sounds like I am totally insane and in denial. I’m not trying to make excuses for him, but to explain it somehow… I suppose.

You are making excuses for him. “He’s really not that bad”… “you just don’t understand him”…

This is right out of Dr. Laura’s book. PLEASE get a copy of it-- Ten Stupid Things… it really has some things in it you could benefit from.

MegShmeg:

You might reply to me telling me I am in total denial and need to get out. I don’t believe that I need to get out. I have truly prayed about this situation and understand that I am not to run off. Perhaps someone can try to understand…

Yes, that is exactly my advice-- get out. But, you clearly do not want to take it. That is your choice. I hope you will continue to pray, continue in therapy, and put brakes on this relationship and slow it down.

 

[tamccrackine]

I agree with 1ke… but it’s your choice. No one can force you to accept this abusive man but yourself. I recall making the same excuses for my abusive boyfriend. I’d recommend that you don’t even get engaged until the situation becomes more mature… good luck! btw- Hitler had good qualities too. i’ll keep you in my prayers!

 

[MercedesBents]

My spouse tried it just once and then he never did it again.

BTW, you need to lose this guy like a case of trench-mouth. If you treats you like the BEFORE marriage when he’s supposed to be on his “best” behaviour, just imagine what it’ll be like after the weddng and he’s “got” you.

 

[rlg94086]

No way. She’s 5’2" and I’m 6’.

We’ve had our moments…both sides but more me than her. I always try to be aware of the way I am speaking, to make sure it is not dismissive of her viewpoint. I enjoy debating, but she does not as she always feels she is going to lose.

I always joke with people that we’ve been married 20 years and it has been the best 18 years of my life. The first 2 were tough (we married at age 20), but we were committed to making it work. We both had to learn the best way to deal with each other’s moods, attitudes and debate styles.

 

[coyote]

All right Meg, go for it.

You are not really interested in a more informed perspective. Perhaps this thread is really just about your “childish” need for sympathy.

 

[setter]

MegShmeg:

I know this sounds like I am totally insane and in denial. …You might reply to me telling me I am in total denial and need to get out. I don’t believe that I need to get out. I have truly prayed about this situation and understand that I am not to run off. Perhaps someone can try to understand…

You are having a head and heart struggle. No one can tell you what to do in this situation, not even God. Others are simply trying to point out the lifelong cross that is facing you if you choose to remain with this abusive person. We do not always get to choose our crosses. In this situation, you are being given the full choice to accept or reject this cross. Think deeply what a cross is, especially when the feelings for carrying the cross have evaporated. You may want to sit with yourself for a while and sort out the underlying needs that keep you defending and minimizing and rationalizing away the abusive aspects of this person in order to remain with him. It is always good to make an informed choice, especially if your choice is to live with it for the rest of your life.

 

[Daniel_Marsh]

Yes, and I gentily point out that she is yelling at me. followed by a hug.

 

[crystal]

Meg,
He may have good qualities and be very charming, I’m sure. This is why so many women get lured into bad relationships with abusive men. If he was all bad you wouldn’t be going out with him. Abuse is an insidious thing and it can take alot of time to learn about it. The advice you’ve been given here is sound from what I’ve experienced and learned about abusive people. May I suggest you do a Google search on verbal and emotional abuse? It will give you more information that will help you decide what to do. Please remember, it’s easy to get into a bad marriage but very hard to get out of one.
I’m sorry you are having to go through this. We’re here to support you.

Mercedes, may I ask what you did to nip the problem with your husband in the bud? I’m dying to know!

Crystal

 

[MercedesBents]

We had a “discussion” about it and I told him what he could do with hs condesending attitude, and whenever he relapsed, I’d condensendingly remind him. Turns out he found out he didn’t like being talked down to any more than I did, and after being on the receiving end, he understood what it felt like.

 

[MegShmeg]

coyote:

All right Meg, go for it.

You are not really interested in a more informed perspective. Perhaps this thread is really just about your “childish” need for sympathy.

I really am interested. I have been thinking a lot about what everyone has said here. The best thing I think I can do is take it slowly. Not rush either way, or make any rash decisions either way. I agree with much of what has been said here, but yes, it really is a head-heart struggle to get through things like this.

I appreciate what everyone has said and I am listening.

 

[MegShmeg]

The truth is that whenever I read the replies here I get an overwhelming sense of dread. I really do.

 

[ConcernCatholic]

MegShmeg:

The truth is that whenever I read the replies here I get an overwhelming sense of dread. I really do.

You are getting that sense of dread because you are becoming aware of just how bad the situation is. I too would get that sense of dread when I was finally waking up to the fact that I was with an abusive person. It is a hard pill to swallow. It is easy for some of us to tell you this as hindsight. The truth of the matter is that when your are in the middle of things you can’t really appreciate how bad things really are. It is easy for me to give you advice when I have had 10 years to reflect on my relationship with that abusive guy. Things that I thought were sweet and endearing were actually more tools of manipulation and only served to reinforce the cycle of emotional and verbal abuse. I would definitely recommend doing some research. Go to google and type in “verbal abuse” and you will get some really interesting articles and results. One that stuck out at me was drirene.com/ It is a site that has tons of information about verbal abuse, codependency, the abuser, and some other stuff. It is worth looking at, especially the abuser pages. It is not a Catholic site but it might help. This might help you better discern how abusive he is or is not. I found a test/list similar to this when trying to deal with breaking up with my abusive boyfriend and it really helped me wake up.

I will continue to pray for you because I know how hard this struggle is for you.

 

[Island_Oak]

MegShmeg:

I ask because the man I am planning on marrying (we plan to be engaged soon) has been doing it a lot the past many months…A lot of times my man treats me as though he is trying to be my father.

Utter nonsense. He’s being a bully. Real men, and real fathers, do NOT need to bully the people around them–either to correct, inform or communicate with them.

In the past few days though he has done some unheard of things. He called me a dumbass twice, and not on joking terms. Tonight he did it, and I told him to leave. He did, and then when we spoke on the phone he apologized, but said the only thing he did wrong was call me a dumbass, and that as a child I did not have enough discipline (true) and so when someone tells me I did something wrong I storm off like a kid. I said “That’s because you called me a dumbass,” and he said “YOU ARE A DUMBASS.” I realize this sounds so childish… and really, it WAS! I couldn’t believe it.

Postpone the wedding–immediately. This is absolutely unbelievable and inexcusable behaviour. Unless you want this kind of verbal abuse, and that’s exactly what it is, to batter you daily for the next few decades, stop the train–and either get off or wait until you are convinced he has conquered whatever insecuity is driving him to belittle you in such a demoralizing and destructive way. You deserve better than this…