Don't understand marriage

[turtle18]

I have been discerning religious life for the last two years. As part of my discernment, I have also been thinking about marriage. The problem is, I don’t understand marriage at all. The only reason I see to get married is for sexual relations & to have children. I can’t imagine what other benefits a marriage would have, except maybe a second income.

There is another thread going on in the family forum about how important sex is to married life. But I am wondering, what are the other benefits to married life? It seems like all I hear about is the sexual union but what else is there?

 

[OraProNobisIHM]

Having a wife?

Having someone else there for you. Someone for whom you are praying, and someone who is praying for you.

Living through life’s struggles. Always growing closer to each other, and to God.

At least, that’s how this single guy sees it (your previous things, sexual union and babies, assumed).

 

[lil_flower_luv]

hm, I probably won’t be married for a while…but I think from watching my parents I have a pretty good idea of what it is…marriage is complete sacrifice of yourself for the good of your spouse. I’ve seen simple acts of this sacrifice such as my dad opening the car door for my mom, or my mom cooking my dad’s favorite meal from time to time. Just giving completely of yourself to them…and if they love you, they’ll give right back. It was also meant to be open to new life, like you said. In fact, that’s one of the most important reasons. With these things, I’ve seen happy marriages. (Of course, a good marriage can only come out of a great love of God, the very author of love.) My parents truly love each other and show it too. Since the love has rubbed off on me, I can only hope I have a marriage just as great someday.

 

[tampagrl]

I have been discerning religious life for the last two years. As part of my discernment, I have also been thinking about marriage. The problem is, I don’t understand marriage at all. The only reason I see to get married is for sexual relations & to have children. I can’t imagine what other benefits a marriage would have, except maybe a second income.

There is another thread going on in the family forum about how important sex is to married life. But I am wondering, what are the other benefits to married life? It seems like all I hear about is the sexual union but what else is there?

Thanks for assuming your wife would work for extra income after all that sex and those babies…

but anywayyy, my point in all seriousness is that I think if you persued RL, you’d find (hopefully) in your studies a deeper understanding of marriage than what you have now. Your views of marriage as you state them here are so “of the flesh” as they say. Marriage is a covenant…that’s some serious stuff there, if you know your Bible.
Some of the BEST “marriage counselors” I know are Priests, something that our secular society has never understood. Those same men would also make great biological fathers…those two attributes together make for a seriously awesome Priest! It’s in that giving up of himself that he becomes united with his bride - his Church, just as Christ did.
I’m sure I’m not explaining it well at all, but a righteous Priest understands, like Christ, that you can’t have a more fuller union than with God; that is, afterall, for what we were all created. I’ll add ya to my prayers for tonight that you can discern your calling and His will for your life. Open your heart and be willing to give yourself up.

 

[distracted]

Having a wife?

Having someone else there for you. Someone for whom you are praying, and someone who is praying for you.

Living through life’s struggles. Always growing closer to each other, and to God.

At least, that’s how this single guy sees it (your previous things, sexual union and babies, assumed).

hmmm… are you available?

i wish all the men i seem to fall for felt this way… and maybe they do but too afraid to show it or something… it’s always something…

yes, this pretty much describes the kind of marriage i am looking for… but don’t think i will ever get married 'cause… well, i just don’t have much to offer a man and… about 20 other things i could list…

i have things to offer but they aren’t “things”… and you know materialistic (etc) this society is…

anyway, i don’t mind (most of the time) being alone… I must like it a lot because i don’t do anything to get hooked up with anyone… I’ve probably lost hope (subconsciously) and don’t want to admit it…

but anyway… i like being alone for many reasons… one of which is because… well, when i am alone… I only have Jesus to boss me around…

 

[distracted]

hm, I probably won’t be married for a while…but I think from watching my parents I have a pretty good idea of what it is…marriage is complete sacrifice of yourself for the good of your spouse. I’ve seen simple acts of this sacrifice such as my dad opening the car door for my mom, or my mom cooking my dad’s favorite meal from time to time. Just giving completely of yourself to them…and if they love you, they’ll give right back. It was also meant to be open to new life, like you said. In fact, that’s one of the most important reasons. With these things, I’ve seen happy marriages. (Of course, a good marriage can only come out of a great love of God, the very author of love.) My parents truly love each other and show it too. Since the love has rubbed off on me, I can only hope I have a marriage just as great someday.

i don’t cry easily but this kinda made me start to tear up…

i asked myself why that would be - and this is what came to me…

I have seen so few marriages where there was obvious love…

i know my parents love each other… been together for a long time… and etc… but it doesn’t seem like they really show it… not like your paretns seem to.

so i guess that’s why it makes me feel like crying… because in my world, it seems very rare…

 

[turtle18]

Thanks for assuming your wife would work for extra income after all that sex and those babies…

I am female. Maybe I am just emotionally closed off or whatever. I’ve read some of the Catholic church teachings on marriage and it seems sooooooooooo far from reality of what I have ever seen out there. Then there is so much emphasis on sex. I think that in times past, sex was an important part of marriage for sure, but couples maybe only had sex once or twice a month. They had a much more developed marriage in all aspects of their life.

Nowadays, it seems like it is all sex, all the time. Even the Catholic church seems to play in this (unconciously) by promoting NFP–the whole goal in being able to have sex while minimizing the chances of getting pregnant. Really it seems like sex is expected very frequently almost to the point where it becomes obsessive. I think about the animal kingdom and how animals only have sex when the female is in heat, ovulating & ready to bear offspring.

 

[lil_flower_luv]

i don’t cry easily but this kinda made me start to tear up…

i asked myself why that would be - and this is what came to me…

I have seen so few marriages where there was obvious love…

i know my parents love each other… been together for a long time… and etc… but it doesn’t seem like they really show it… not like your paretns seem to.

so i guess that’s why it makes me feel like crying… because in my world, it seems very rare…

I know; it really is so sad how short some marriages are and how many families are separated. That’s why we need stronger marriages founded on the Truth. If more people knew and loved Jesus, they would see what a good marriage is. (At least, that’s what I notice…the weak marriages usually include those who are weak in their faith…once you can surrender yourself fully to Jesus, it will be a piece of cake to surrender yourself to a spouse.)

God Bless

 

[sixofseven]

I am female. Maybe I am just emotionally closed off or whatever. I’ve read some of the Catholic church teachings on marriage and it seems sooooooooooo far from reality of what I have ever seen out there. Then there is so much emphasis on sex. I think that in times past, sex was an important part of marriage for sure, but couples maybe only had sex once or twice a month. They had a much more developed marriage in all aspects of their life.

Nowadays, it seems like it is all sex, all the time. Even the Catholic church seems to play in this (unconciously) by promoting NFP–the whole goal in being able to have sex while minimizing the chances of getting pregnant. Really it seems like sex is expected very frequently almost to the point where it becomes obsessive. I think about the animal kingdom and how animals only have sex when the female is in heat, ovulating & ready to bear offspring.

Well no so much sex, but intimacy - everytime a married couple have sex they are renewing their marriage vows to love each other completely and give themselves to each other completey, that intimacy strengthens the relationship. Being intimate with your husband/wife can help restore any failings and you are fulfilling God’s request when He blessed the union of man and woman and told them to be fruitful.

It’s like going to Communion, the more you receive Christ, the more you strengthen the relationship with him. Receiving Communion can restore failings, strengthen faith, and allows us to give ourselves to Christ and vice-versa.

It’s not something to be abused or perverted in any way.

We are not animals, that’s the beauty. We can choose the place, time, setting, mood and we do it because we want to give ourselves to another person, not simply because we’re on heat. My future husband who is waiting patiently may argue with me though!!

 

[nablaise]

I am female. Maybe I am just emotionally closed off or whatever. I’ve read some of the Catholic church teachings on marriage and it seems sooooooooooo far from reality of what I have ever seen out there. Then there is so much emphasis on sex. I think that in times past, sex was an important part of marriage for sure, but couples maybe only had sex once or twice a month. They had a much more developed marriage in all aspects of their life.

Nowadays, it seems like it is all sex, all the time. Even the Catholic church seems to play in this (unconciously) by promoting NFP–the whole goal in being able to have sex while minimizing the chances of getting pregnant. Really it seems like sex is expected very frequently almost to the point where it becomes obsessive. I think about the animal kingdom and how animals only have sex when the female is in heat, ovulating & ready to bear offspring.

Yes, most Church speakers seem to emphaize sex so much to the point that it seem to be an obsession. This is why Christopher West for example is being critized for apparently reducing the teaching of the Church on Marriage to the sex.

I am sure these people are attempting to fight off the secular culture which is the real one obsessed with sex. So these Church people go there, but somehow subconsciously fall into the sex talk.

I think the central characher of marriage is God not sex. This competition between God and sex is the same competition between love and lust. Catholics speak about God, but to me it is as if they invite him to explain why he created sex, It is like we are all (including God, may be listening to him) invited to talk and meditate on sex. While we should be meditating on God.

We do have to fight this pervered secular culture, but it would make it easy if God was the obvious central character and object of attention, reflection, and meditation.

I think marriage is about living the fullness of human vocation. Becoming married is like confirmation of having achieved full capacities of a human being. That is in growing from the moment of conception we keep adding parts and things in our being…until we stops growing. At the marriage state, it is like the confirmation that we have ‘arrived’ because finally the male and female came togather and we have Man as God made him (the end for which God made Man).

Love can then fully express itself throught this new ‘being’. Either by loving own kids or adopted ones. All aspect of life can be covered by the fullness of humanity, masculinity and femininity. This is why the Church insist for example that only traditional couples should be allowed to adopt kids. Because only a heterosexual couple present the fullness of humanity (spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, physically, etc).

God bless

 

[turtle18]

Well no so much sex, but intimacy - everytime a married couple have sex they are renewing their marriage vows to love each other completely and give themselves to each other completey, that intimacy strengthens the relationship. Being intimate with your husband/wife can help restore any failings and you are fulfilling God’s request when He blessed the union of man and woman and told them to be fruitful.

It’s like going to Communion, the more you receive Christ, the more you strengthen the relationship with him. Receiving Communion can restore failings, strengthen faith, and allows us to give ourselves to Christ and vice-versa.

It’s not something to be abused or perverted in any way.

We are not animals, that’s the beauty. We can choose the place, time, setting, mood and we do it because we want to give ourselves to another person, not simply because we’re on heat. My future husband who is waiting patiently may argue with me though!!

So the only way a couple can be intimate is through sex? I guess that is part of my point–what are the other ways a couple can experience intimacy without sex? Shouldn’t raising children be an intimate act?

As humans, we can chose the place, time, setting…etc for sex. But sex is at its best for women when she is ovulating–there are actual biological changes in her body that make sex more pleasurable. God seems to have written that in the Divine plan. So if a man knowingly abstains from giving her sex during this period, all to avoid a pregnancy, where is the logic in that?

 

[rayne89]

Benefits, oh my goodness. Being married to your best friend, someone who makes you laugh, who holds you up when you are weak, who is with you through life’s peaks and valleys. Someone who supports you, believes in you, encourages you. Someone to celebrate the joys with and hold each other through the sorrows. Someone who prays for you and with you.

Intimacy is knowing the words your spouse will say before they say them, know what a certain smile means, being able to share your heart with another without fear of judgment or ridicule. To share a look and not needs words.

To be co-creators with God, to see your husband’s smile in your child’s face and know that without the love that you shared this unique beautiful child of God that you gave birth too would not exist exactly as she is.

Sexual intimacy is a wonderful gift but there’s far more than just that in marriage. And children, they teach you a whole knew meaning of love, of sacrifice, of unselfishness. And they create a bond in marriage that is unique.

The only reason is sex and children? No, far from it. A deep love shared between a man and a woman-that is supposed to mirror Christ’s love for his church. There just aren’t enough words or maybe I can find strong enough ones to describe the benefits of marriage for those that have such a vocation.

 

[sixofseven]

So the only way a couple can be intimate is through sex? I guess that is part of my point–what are the other ways a couple can experience intimacy without sex? Shouldn’t raising children be an intimate act?

Well I was just addressing your issue with sex. Of course there are more ways to be intimate. I’m not even married yet and my fiance and I are very intimate. Sharing meals together, sharing secrets, sharing fears, sharing hope, praying together, walking hand in hand, laughing together, appreciating each other…the list goes on!

As humans, we can chose the place, time, setting…etc for sex. But sex is at its best for women when she is ovulating–there are actual biological changes in her body that make sex more pleasurable. God seems to have written that in the Divine plan. So if a man knowingly abstains from giving her sex during this period, all to avoid a pregnancy, where is the logic in that?

Again, it’s not about sex or pleasure - the senses and urges are heightened in a woman at that time, not for her pleasure but because it’s the time she is most likely to fall pregnant - which is God’s plan, for us to be fruitful.

God created woman because man needed a companion and a helper.

A woman doesn’t have to have sex during this period, it’s just that it encourages conception. The logic in abstaining is if you have mutually decided you’re not ready to get pregnant.

There are many ways to be intimate, but you can’t get more intimate than physically becoming one flesh with your husband/wife and manifesting God’s plan for humanity.

 

[sixofseven]

Benefits, oh my goodness. Being married to your best friend, someone who makes you laugh, who holds you up when you are weak, who is with you through life’s peaks and valleys. Someone who supports you, believes in you, encourages you. Someone to celebrate the joys with and hold each other through the sorrows. Someone who prays for you and with you.

Intimacy is knowing the words your spouse will say before they say them, know what a certain smile means, being able to share your heart with another without fear of judgment or ridicule. To share a look and not needs words.

To be co-creators with God, to see your husband’s smile in your child’s face and know that without the love that you shared this unique beautiful child of God that you gave birth too would not exist exactly as she is.

Sexual intimacy is a wonderful gift but there’s far more than just that in marriage. And children, they teach you a whole knew meaning of love, of sacrifice, of unselfishness. And they create a bond in marriage that is unique.

The only reason is sex and children? No, far from it. A deep love shared between a man and a woman-that is supposed to mirror Christ’s love for his church. There just aren’t enough words or maybe I can find strong enough ones to describe the benefits of marriage for those that have such a vocation.

I have a lot to look forward to!

 

[phoenix3212]

I have been discerning religious life for the last two years. As part of my discernment, I have also been thinking about marriage. The problem is, I don’t understand marriage at all. The only reason I see to get married is for sexual relations & to have children. I can’t imagine what other benefits a marriage would have, except maybe a second income.

There is another thread going on in the family forum about how important sex is to married life. But I am wondering, what are the other benefits to married life? It seems like all I hear about is the sexual union but what else is there?

Love. Sharing the love of Christ in a special way with a member of the opposite sex is the purpose of marriage. “Love your wife as Christ does his church…”

 

[anode]

I have been discerning religious life for the last two years. As part of my discernment, I have also been thinking about marriage. The problem is, I don’t understand marriage at all. The only reason I see to get married is for sexual relations & to have children. I can’t imagine what other benefits a marriage would have, except maybe a second income.

There is another thread going on in the family forum about how important sex is to married life. But I am wondering, what are the other benefits to married life? It seems like all I hear about is the sexual union but what else is there?

Um…turtle… I don’t know how old you are, but if you don’t understand the benefits of marriage, then you shouldn’t be considering entering any state until you do.

No one should enter marriage or religious life without understanding the nature of what you’re entering and what you’re giving up. You should start with what your concept of marriage is, which is usually based on your observing your own parents’ marriage and those of people around you that you care about. Sex is only part of marriage and a small (but important) part at that. When the rite says one flesh, that’s what it means. You love someone enough to put their welfare ahead of your own; to consider their needs first; to love them more than any other human (except your --and your spouse’s children). If you can’t feel this way about another person, and don’t understand this, then you shouldn’t get married. Children and a good sex life should flow from the devotion you and your spouse feel for each other. Without this, your marriage will fail, as so many others have.

Similarly, one shouldn’t enter religious life without understanding what they are giving up. That they are going for something greater. The young saints (The Stes Teresa for ex) knew this, even though they came from happy families. The older entrants, including those whose marriages have been annulled, know this, that they are discovering later in their lives something greater than their marriages, and a life they might have elected in the first place.

To understand religious life, you have to understand marriage.

 

[bilop]

I am female. Maybe I am just emotionally closed off or whatever. I’ve read some of the Catholic church teachings on marriage and it seems sooooooooooo far from reality of what I have ever seen out there. Then there is so much emphasis on sex. I think that in times past, sex was an important part of marriage for sure, but couples maybe only had sex once or twice a month. They had a much more developed marriage in all aspects of their life.

Nowadays, it seems like it is all sex, all the time. Even the Catholic church seems to play in this (unconciously) by promoting NFP–the whole goal in being able to have sex while minimizing the chances of getting pregnant. Really it seems like sex is expected very frequently almost to the point where it becomes obsessive. I think about the animal kingdom and how animals only have sex when the female is in heat, ovulating & ready to bear offspring.

What makes you think Catholics in the past only had sex once or twice a month? I’m guessing that they didn’t get those big families by playing parchese

In my personal experience, while there are many other wonderful emotional and intellectual benefits to marriage, sex plays a critical role in emotional bonding.

It is very hard not to stay close if you are intimate frequently in that way. Conversely, I’ve read many, many times on this forum about marriages that are suffering very badly due to lack of physical intimacy.

I think that it is very common for families with children, especially young children, to put the needs of the children above the needs of the husband and wife (e.g. keeping the children in bed with the parents past infancy). I think this focus is a bad mistake, and likely a cause of much of the divorce in our society. The marital relationship must be kept strong, above all else, and the children will benefit from this. When the marriage suffer, the kids suffer.

God Bless

 

[turtle18]

Um…turtle… I don’t know how old you are, but if you don’t understand the benefits of marriage, then you shouldn’t be considering entering any state until you do.

No one should enter marriage or religious life without understanding the nature of what you’re entering and what you’re giving up. You should start with what your concept of marriage is, which is usually based on your observing your own parents’ marriage and those of people around you that you care about. Sex is only part of marriage and a small (but important) part at that. When the rite says one flesh, that’s what it means. You love someone enough to put their welfare ahead of your own; to consider their needs first; to love them more than any other human (except your --and your spouse’s children). If you can’t feel this way about another person, and don’t understand this, then you shouldn’t get married. Children and a good sex life should flow from the devotion you and your spouse feel for each other. Without this, your marriage will fail, as so many others have.

Similarly, one shouldn’t enter religious life without understanding what they are giving up. That they are going for something greater. The young saints (The Stes Teresa for ex) knew this, even though they came from happy families. The older entrants, including those whose marriages have been annulled, know this, that they are discovering later in their lives something greater than their marriages, and a life they might have elected in the first place.

To understand religious life, you have to understand marriage.

I think there are a lot of people, in and outside the Catholic faith, who don’t understand what marriage is about; I don’t think I am alone. What I am saying, whatever I see marriage discussed it is almost entirely in relation to sex. How does the Catholic church recommend a couple bond spiritually or bond emotionally?

A very high percentage of couples who get married in the Catholic church today are already having sex. So it seems the purpose of their marriage is just to get a legal license. A lot of these marriages are going to end up in the tank.

 

[turtle18]

What makes you think Catholics in the past only had sex once or twice a month? I’m guessing that they didn’t get those big families by playing parchese

In my personal experience, while there are many other wonderful emotional and intellectual benefits to marriage, sex plays a critical role in emotional bonding.

It is very hard not to stay close if you are intimate frequently in that way. Conversely, I’ve read many, many times on this forum about marriages that are suffering very badly due to lack of physical intimacy.

I think that it is very common for families with children, especially young children, to put the needs of the children above the needs of the husband and wife (e.g. keeping the children in bed with the parents past infancy). I think this focus is a bad mistake, and likely a cause of much of the divorce in our society. The marital relationship must be kept strong, above all else, and the children will benefit from this. When the marriage suffer, the kids suffer.

God Bless

I really doubt that having children sleep with you in the younger years causes divorce. There are tons of other places to have sex than the marriage bed. Rather, I think it is a failure of our society as a whole & the Catholic church, to prepare men for fatherhood. I’ve seen it over & over again how a man resents the attention his wife gives to a child after the baby is born. But females are wired to take care of the child first. Having a baby doesn’t give a women carte blanche to ignore her husband, but at the same time the husband needs to realize that the women’s priorities have shifted,

I’ve also seen a lot of couples who have “physical intimacy” but their marriage crumbles over communication issues, financial & even spiritual issues–so forth.

Yes, I do think couples had sex less frequently in the past for a whole variety of reasons–one people smelled & were not clean so it probably wasn’t as appealing. People were exhausted from the grueling physical labor they did all day. Birth control wasn’t available so they didn’t know whether they would get pregnant or not. And they didn’t have the media avenues we have today where they were constantly being bombarded with sexual images.

 

[bilop]

I really doubt that having children sleep with you in the younger years causes divorce. There are tons of other places to have sex than the marriage bed. Rather, I think it is a failure of our society as a whole & the Catholic church, to prepare men for fatherhood. I’ve seen it over & over again how a man resents the attention his wife gives to a child after the baby is born. But females are wired to take care of the child first. Having a baby doesn’t give a women carte blanche to ignore her husband, but at the same time the husband needs to realize that the women’s priorities have shifted,

I’ve also seen a lot of couples who have “physical intimacy” but their marriage crumbles over communication issues, financial & even spiritual issues–so forth.

Yes, I do think couples had sex less frequently in the past for a whole variety of reasons–one people smelled & were not clean so it probably wasn’t as appealing. People were exhausted from the grueling physical labor they did all day. Birth control wasn’t available so they didn’t know whether they would get pregnant or not. And they didn’t have the media avenues we have today where they were constantly being bombarded with sexual images.

I disagree with you.

I see too many people for whom children are the end goal of marriage. Since they no longer restrict sex to marriage, the only reason they marry is to have children. Then they make a false idol out of their children, doting on them and subjecting them to levels of supervision and control that are absurd. This seems more common for women, but it aflicts men too. Meanwhile, they neglect the marital relationship. Their spouse becomes a 2nd class citizen.

Children are a goal of marriage, but secondary to the salvation of the spouses.

God Bless