Dr. Laura

[dsulpizio]

*I listened to her on and off for a while and thought her advice was pretty basic considering most of it I heard my entire life while growing up. But one bit of advice she gave I hated and decided if that was her “values” (this was before her pictures in Hustler and the revelation about her mom) I had no use for her. A woman called in saying that she knew her baby wasn’t her husband’s and she asked if she should tell him. “Dr” Laura blasted her asking her who would benefit from knowing? She said the best thing should could do for herself and her baby was keep it a secret. I haven’t listened to her since.
*

Dr. Laura is right on this.

To tell the child would be to provide a wound where there should be none. If the mom was repentant then raising the child as hers and her husbands wold provide the most stability for the child. I can see not telling him (if she were repentant) if she felt that telling him would be disruptive to the family and child.
Hopefully, hubby would forgive and do the right thing and raise the child like it were his own. But if not, to have to put kid thru the knowldge of that he was conceived by adultery plus to add in the bio dad with visitation, etc. would be something I would not put my child through…again, the key is if the woman is repentant and reconciled to not repeating her adultery and wants to provide stability for her whole family.

 

[SaltySirena]

TeresaAnn, I did give the third option, where the problems develop out of the blue with no prior warning. A mental breakdown doesn’t have to land one in restraints in the psych ward. A previously healthy, functional man suddenly becoming a severe alcoholic… there would have to be some kind of mental health event to explain that, wouldn’t there? You ignored that third option. All you had to do was say, “Mine was an option 3 guy,” and the discussion would have been over. Obviously not your fault. But do you have any idea how extremely rare that really is? The vast majority of the time, it’s #1 or #2, or a combo of both.

Also, I was not dissecting your marriage personally… how could I? I was speaking in general terms.

You reacted quite defensively. I’ll leave you to figure out why that was.

 

[7_Sorrows]

*I listened to her on and off for a while and thought her advice was pretty basic considering most of it I heard my entire life while growing up. But one bit of advice she gave I hated and decided if that was her “values” (this was before her pictures in Hustler and the revelation about her mom) I had no use for her. A woman called in saying that she knew her baby wasn’t her husband’s and she asked if she should tell him. “Dr” Laura blasted her asking her who would benefit from knowing? She said the best thing should could do for herself and her baby was keep it a secret. I haven’t listened to her since.
*

Dr. Laura is right on this.

To tell the child would be to provide a wound where there should be none. If the mom was repentant then raising the child as hers and her husbands wold provide the most stability for the child. I can see not telling him (if she were repentant) if she felt that telling him would be disruptive to the family and child.
Hopefully, hubby would forgive and do the right thing and raise the child like it were his own. But if not, to have to put kid thru the knowldge of that he was conceived by adultery plus to add in the bio dad with visitation, etc. would be something I would not put my child through…again, the key is if the woman is repentant and reconciled to not repeating her adultery and wants to provide stability for her whole family.

would this be any different than not telling an adopted child they were adopted? i am sorry, but everyone has the right to know where they came from. even if she tells the husband the truth, he can still do the right thing and raise the child as his own.
why would anyone want to live daily knowing the lie they were concealing from their husband or child? keeping secrets is one of the most harmful thing to a human soul i feel.

 

[7_Sorrows]

TeresaAnn, I did give the third option, where the problems develop out of the blue with no prior warning. A mental breakdown doesn’t have to land one in restraints in the psych ward. A previously healthy, functional man suddenly becoming a severe alcoholic… there would have to be some kind of mental health event to explain that, wouldn’t there? You ignored that third option. All you had to do was say, “Mine was an option 3 guy,” and the discussion would have been over. Obviously not your fault. But do you have any idea how extremely rare that really is? The vast majority of the time, it’s #1 or #2, or a combo of both.

Also, I was not dissecting your marriage personally… how could I? I was speaking in general terms.

You reacted quite defensively. I’ll leave you to figure out why that was.

i thought you were speaking to her post specifically and not in general terms, so i am sure she did also. she was honest and opened up about her life and shouldn’t be criticized for it in my opinion.

 

[SaltySirena]

7Sorrows, you don’t understand. The guilt and shame is her cross to bear. She should not relieve herself of the burden by passing the hurt and betrayal around to others.

If her husband knew the child was not his, he would not bond with it the same way. Right or wrong, that is what it is. Adoption is different because a conscious choice is made to accept someone else’s child as one’s own. But in this scenario, all the pain and betrayal that his wife cheated on him would contaminate his feelings toward that child. It would be wrong for her to do that to the child.

If her husband truly does not know she cheated, and the family will stay intact and that child will be raised in love and security, then she would only be relieving her own guilt and shame by telling him and putting that pain on him.

This kind of thing is truly a case where one should suffer in silence to benefit others. It sure would reduce one’s time in Purgatory, because I am sure it feels like Hell on Earth!

Of course, this applies only if she is truly repentant and will never cheat on her husband again. Also, if the child is biracial, it would be sort of a hard charade to maintain. (I’m reminded of the scene in Nip/Tuck where Kimber is giving birth to what Christian thinks is his baby, but the baby comes out black. You couldn’t really keep up the illusion if the bio father is of a different race than the husband.) But assuming that is not the case, Dr. Laura is right. It seems counterintuitive, but… the harder choice is usually the harder one.

 

[SaltySirena]

i thought you were speaking to her post specifically and not in general terms, so i am sure she did also. she was honest and opened up about her life and shouldn’t be criticized for it in my opinion.

So if I came in here, openly and honestly admitting I shot up heroin while I was pregnant, I shouldn’t be criticized for that?

I mean, obviously nothing in this thread rises to that level, but this idea that we should never say anything negative, or even less than positive, is ridiculous. Some things are wrong, and some things are inadvisable, and we should say that. And if everyone came on this board only responding with, “Oh, how wonderful,” or “You poor thing,” it would get really boring really fast. What would be the point of discussing anything?

 

[7_Sorrows]

7Sorrows, you don’t understand. The guilt and shame is her cross to bear. She should not relieve herself of the burden by passing the hurt and betrayal around to others.

If her husband knew the child was not his, he would not bond with it the same way. Right or wrong, that is what it is. Adoption is different because a conscious choice is made to accept someone else’s child as one’s own. But in this scenario, all the pain and betrayal that his wife cheated on him would contaminate his feelings toward that child. It would be wrong for her to do that to the child.

If her husband truly does not know she cheated, and the family will stay intact and that child will be raised in love and security, then she would only be relieving her own guilt and shame by telling him and putting that pain on him.

This kind of thing is truly a case where one should suffer in silence to benefit others. It sure would reduce one’s time in Purgatory, because I am sure it feels like Hell on Earth!

Of course, this applies only if she is truly repentant and will never cheat on her husband again. Also, if the child is biracial, it would be sort of a hard charade to maintain. (I’m reminded of the scene in Nip/Tuck where Kimber is giving birth to what Christian thinks is his baby, but the baby comes out black. You couldn’t really keep up the illusion if the bio father is of a different race than the husband.) But assuming that is not the case, Dr. Laura is right. It seems counterintuitive, but… the harder choice is usually the harder one.

do you actually believe what you are saying? there is a difference between suffering in silence and deliberately deceiving someone. if the husband truly loves his wife and agrees to accept this child, he will indeed bond with the child. what do you think would happen to the relationship if somehow the husband finds out when the child is 17 that the child he has been raising is not really his biological child and what would it do to the psyche of the 17 year old to realize that he/she had been lied to his whole life. the woman would have a lot more to worry about than guilt and shame. dr. laura was very wrong to give this advice to the woman.

 

[7_Sorrows]

So if I came in here, openly and honestly admitting I shot up heroin while I was pregnant, I shouldn’t be criticized for that?

I mean, obviously nothing in this thread rises to that level, but this idea that we should never say anything negative, or even less than positive, is ridiculous. Some things are wrong, and some things are inadvisable, and we should say that. And if everyone came on this board only responding with, “Oh, how wonderful,” or “You poor thing,” it would get really boring really fast. What would be the point of discussing anything?

shooting up heroin while pregnant would not only be using an illegal substance but endangering the fetus. not on the same page as what we are talking about.

 

[SaltySirena]

shooting up heroin while pregnant would not only be using an illegal substance but endangering the fetus. not on the same page as what we are talking about.

Way to miss the forest (the point) for the trees (a small detail). That would be why I said this:

I mean, obviously nothing in this thread rises to that level,

Now how about addressing the point of my post?

this idea that we should never say anything negative, or even less than positive, is ridiculous. Some things are wrong, and some things are inadvisable, and we should say that. And if everyone came on this board only responding with, “Oh, how wonderful,” or “You poor thing,” it would get really boring really fast. What would be the point of discussing anything?

 

[SaltySirena]

do you actually believe what you are saying? there is a difference between suffering in silence and deliberately deceiving someone.

There are a great many times in our lives when the high ideal of “telling the truth” is used as nothing more than a selfish strategy to relieve oneself of deserved pain and guilt, and to spread the suffering around. Misery loves company, as they say.

If a spouse is truly repentant, is sure they have passed on no diseases, and is 100% certain that their spouse doesn’t know and that they themselves will never cheat again, it is the more loving thing to do to suffer the deserved guilt alone and to let the innocent spouse go on in the security and love of thinking that their marriage has never been violated. Finding out your spouse has cheated is TORTURE. Just read the threads on this board. Inflicting that on someone for no good reason is to become the torturemaster. That is not loving…

A child needs love, security, and commitment from both its parents more than the gory biological details of “where they came from.” Let me ask you - when there is a young woman who has had a child out of wedlock, and then marries a different man, and the young child thinks that man is his father… do you think it is good or bad for the child to painfully shatter that loving illusion in the name of “the truth?” Isn’t it better for his bond and his security in the love of the father he knows to stay intact? This kind of thing is only possible where the bio-dad is completely uninvolved, but that happens a lot.

 

[7_Sorrows]

Way to miss the forest (the point) for the trees (a small detail). That would be why I said this:

Now how about addressing the point of my post?

yes, discussing is one thing, but it is nice to use diplomacy i am not saying that we have to agree on everything.

 

[7_Sorrows]

There are a great many times in our lives when the high ideal of “telling the truth” is used as nothing more than a selfish strategy to relieve oneself of deserved pain and guilt, and to spread the suffering around. Misery loves company, as they say.

If a spouse is truly repentant, is sure they have passed on no diseases, and is 100% certain that their spouse doesn’t know and that they themselves will never cheat again, it is the more loving thing to do to suffer the deserved guilt alone and to let the innocent spouse go on in the security and love of thinking that their marriage has never been violated. Finding out your spouse has cheated is TORTURE. Just read the threads on this board. Inflicting that on someone for no good reason is to become the torturemaster. That is not loving…

A child needs love, security, and commitment from both its parents more than the gory biological details of “where they came from.” Let me ask you - when there is a young woman who has had a child out of wedlock, and then marries a different man, and the young child thinks that man is his father… do you think it is good or bad for the child to painfully shatter that loving illusion in the name of “the truth?” Isn’t it better for his bond and his security in the love of the father he knows to stay intact? This kind of thing is only possible where the bio-dad is completely uninvolved, but that happens a lot.

i am not saying that telling the truth should be used as revenge or getting back at your spouse. i am talking about facing reality and dealing with what happened and not running from it. to me, not telling someone is admitting you sinned and are too ashamed to confess to the people you have hurt what you did. it is better to hide your sin than to come forth and admit what you did. one lie only leads to more lies. this is very unhealthy.

 

[SaltySirena]

i am not saying that telling the truth should be used as revenge or getting back at your spouse. i am talking about facing reality and dealing with what happened and not running from it. to me, not telling someone is admitting you sinned and are too ashamed to confess to the people you have hurt what you did. it is better to hide your sin than to come forth and admit what you did. one lie only leads to more lies. this is very unhealthy.

This is what Confession is for. Did you know that when someone confesses adultery, there is no requirement for them to tell their spouse to receive absolution? Unless of course the priest chooses to impose that as part of the penance. I would bet most priests only do that when there is a good reason, like a chance of disease or if the story is too widely known to keep it hidden. If the Church herself recognizes that sometimes it is better to suffer in silence, and to offer that sacrifice for the well-being of your spouse, well, then, it’s an idea that we should at least consider before just dismissing it out of hand.

BTW, I used to be just as horrified by this idea as you are now. But as I have matured and lived through alot more of real life, I have come to see that there are some cases where maintaining silence really is the better thing to do.

 

[TeresaAnn]

TeresaAnn, I did give the third option, where the problems develop out of the blue with no prior warning. A mental breakdown doesn’t have to land one in restraints in the psych ward. A previously healthy, functional man suddenly becoming a severe alcoholic… there would have to be some kind of mental health event to explain that, wouldn’t there? You ignored that third option. All you had to do was say, “Mine was an option 3 guy,” and the discussion would have been over. Obviously not your fault. But do you have any idea how extremely rare that really is? The vast majority of the time, it’s #1 or #2, or a combo of both.

Also, I was not dissecting your marriage personally… how could I? I was speaking in general terms.

You reacted quite defensively. I’ll leave you to figure out why that was.

Sigh… I’m don’t really see the neccessity of getting into further detail just to prove to you that GASP it was the man’s fault this time! But since I feel I have nothing to defend here’s a few more details… we were young, he had a wonderful loving personality until he started drinking with the guys at work. This was a new job after we were married. He happened to take to the alcohol in a severe way. I don’t give up on people I love easily. I still help himout. So we put effort into the marriage (marriage equals babies) but eventually I couldn’t hold him up anymore, there was too much abuse of all kinds. So it ended.

So, whatever… I really don’t want to hear your judgement of the situation ok? I’m fine without it thanks. I really do think God put us together to have these 4 boys. I had a dream when was about 12 where I was standing surrounded by my four big sons. Just me. Interesting isn’t it? God has blessed me so much. Thank-you Lord! I love you with all my heart .

Be who you want to be dear, if you feel you need to be the voice of negativity to spice things up around here go for it.

Take care,
Teresa

 

[TeresaAnn]

do you actually believe what you are saying? there is a difference between suffering in silence and deliberately deceiving someone. if the husband truly loves his wife and agrees to accept this child, he will indeed bond with the child. what do you think would happen to the relationship if somehow the husband finds out when the child is 17 that the child he has been raising is not really his biological child and what would it do to the psyche of the 17 year old to realize that he/she had been lied to his whole life. the woman would have a lot more to worry about than guilt and shame. dr. laura was very wrong to give this advice to the woman.

7 Sorrows is correct about this. The truth comes out, it just does. When the child is an adult and needs to know their medical history? What if the other guy was always wondering if the child was his and someday decides he wants to find out? It is devasting to the child, whom can you trust if you can’t trust your parents. Just ask any child psychologist. It’s best to tell the child as soon as they can understand, and get into more detail as they get older. Be open to any questions. Dr. L was out to lunch on that one.

 

[JimG]

This is what Confession is for. Did you know that when someone confesses adultery, there is no requirement for them to tell their spouse to receive absolution? Unless of course the priest chooses to impose that as part of the penance. I would bet most priests only do that when there is a good reason, like a chance of disease or if the story is too widely known to keep it hidden. If the Church herself recognizes that sometimes it is better to suffer in silence, and to offer that sacrifice for the well-being of your spouse, well, then, it’s an idea that we should at least consider before just dismissing it out of hand.

BTW, I used to be just as horrified by this idea as you are now. But as I have matured and lived through alot more of real life, I have come to see that there are some cases where maintaining silence really is the better thing to do.

I’ve seen opinions on this from both sides. I know of one instance where a man cheated on his wife by having a one night stand. He was repentant and ashamed. He confided in a male friend, who advised him to keep it to himself and never bring it up again, not to his wife, not to anyone except his confessor.

But he insisted that he must tell his wife. His conscience was burdened. He did tell her. The marriage ended. The children ended up with separated parents. Had he not disclosed this sin, his marriage would have endured.

It seems to me that he disclosed the sin to his wife mainly to unburden himself, not for the sake of honesty. In doing so, he unburdened his conscience but destroyed his marriage.

 

[SaltySirena]

Sigh… I’m don’t really see the neccessity of getting into further detail just to prove to you that GASP it was the man’s fault this time!

I never said his alcoholism wasn’t his fault. That is his failing, his inappropriate and destructive choice.

The only thing I hold the spouse of an alcoholic responsible for is their choices in reaction to the addiction. Do they make choices based on that reality, defensively as it were?

Or do they ignore the addiction, pretend it’s not there, and keep making choices as if their spouse were healthy and normal? Because that is the inappropriate and destructive choice for the non-addicted spouse to make.

 

[SamH]

I I can see not telling him (if she were repentant) if she felt that telling him would be disruptive to the family and child.

Hopefully, hubby would forgive and do the right thing and raise the child like it were his own. But if not, to have to put kid thru the knowldge of that he was conceived by adultery plus to add in the bio dad with visitation, etc. would be something I would not put my child through…again, the key is if the woman is repentant and reconciled to not repeating her adultery and wants to provide stability for her whole family.

How could she be repentant and still not tell him? Adultry is OK as long as you conceal it really well?

 

[SaltySirena]

How could she be repentant and still not tell him? Adultry is OK as long as you conceal it really well?

By bearing the suffering in silence for his benefit. No, adultery is never OK. Read some of my posts upthread about the reasoning.

 

[JimG]

How could she be repentant and still not tell him? Adultry is OK as long as you conceal it really well?

The question is: will she cause more harm to her husband and to her children by telling them, or by telling only her confessor?

If she really believes that confession to her family will hurt them less, then that is what she would do.

If she believes that confession to her family will hurt them more, then she ought not to tell them.

The whole discussion, of course, depends upon her being absolutely repentant and committed to faithfulness in the future.