Eloping?

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BlueEyedLady

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Quick background for those who don’t know-I’m an atheist young woman engaged to the most wonderful man in the universe. He was baptized and confirmed Catholic, and raised in a very, very Catholic family. (All wonderful people. I feel like the only person in the world who is actually looking forward to in-laws.) He does not believe in God, his family knows that he does not go to or participate in mass, but they don’t know that he doesn’t believe it all.

The time has come for us to really start planning our wedding. Originally we were going to have a small but fairly traditional wedding. (Not in a church of course) But now life is hitting us and we are realizing that the money that could be spent on a wedding would be better spent elsewhere. Also, our families are from two different states (and we live in a third) so getting everyone together in a central location for a ceremony is going to be a nightmare. We both work full-time, and I am starting law school in the fall, so our stress levels are high and our free time is short. I really just want to elope. Of course I would tell my friends and family first that that was our plan. I know that my family would be supportive, but his might not be. Of course, I’m not sure how supportive they would be of a non church wedding with no mention of god between a baptized Catholic turned atheist and an atheist. It isn’t their fault, but there is nothing that we could do that would make them happy. And despite how I sometimes come across in these forums, I hate hurting feelings. Between the cost, the time, the stress, and the potential hurt feelings this wedding thing is starting to feel out of control.

But really, the idea of skipping town for a few days, getting married privately and intimately, and then spending a few days just enjoying our new marriage sounds very romantic and appealing. Of course we would have a small reception to celebrate when we got back. Maybe have a BBQ or something else low-key.

My fiance and I are considering this. I ran the idea past my best friend and he thought that it sounded nice, but that I would always regret not having that big dream wedding that “everyone wants”. I really don’t think that’s the case. I’m just not a big wedding kind of girl. But at the same time I can’t get that thought out of my mind.

If we decide that this is something that we want he’s of course going to tell his family the plan, and if there is a lot of hurt or resentment of course that plan will change. I don’t want to start a marriage off like that but right now I am so out of ideas. This is daunting and I’m feeling overwhelmed.

So I guess what I’m asking for is the advice of people who have eloped, or know someone who has. Or who would have strong feelings on their kids doing it. Advice from anyone who has any alternative ideas is welcomed too.
 
Clarification. I know that generally eloping means running away and getting married secretly. But I think that would be cruel to do to all of the people who love me. Basically when people ask me about the wedding I would say something along the lines of “Actually, we’ve always loved the idea of eloping, and that’s what we’ll do probably sometime around this fall.”
 
You’re starting law school in the fall? Yeesh… I don’t want to freak you out, but even at the most relaxed law schools, the 1L experience is pretty high up there when it comes to relationship stress tests. 😦
 
Not to deny your atheism, but I think you may want to take into account the fact that your fiance is a Catholic by baptism which means any marriage without a priest or deacon witnessing it would not be considered sacramental and could cause difficulties down the line if he wants to return to receiving communion, etc.

So, I suggest you talk to his priest to see if you can arrange a simple ceremony in which you can say your vows before the priest/deacon with just a couple of witnesses that wouldn’t entail all the trappings of a formal affair. Then, you and your family could have a nice gathering afterwards to celebrate–also keeping it simple, such as a family picnic, for instance.

What I’m saying is he may not want to burn all his bridges no matter what he says he can’t accept about the faith he was brought up in. Such things have a much deeper hold on our lives than we often imagine. It’s just something you may want to consider.

Blessings on you and your families. 😃
 
I think it’s kind of selfish.

You are in love with the most wonderful man in the universe, as you called him, why wouldn’t you want to share your wedding day with people you love and who love you?

I would be disappointed if any of my daughters eloped.

Why don’t you just get married this summer? You don’t need a year to plan it. And you don’t need to spend a lot of money, either.

Have you talked to either sets of parents about this?
 
Della said:
Not to deny your atheism, but I think you may want to take into account the fact that your fiance is a Catholic by baptism which means any marriage without a priest or deacon witnessing it would not be considered sacramental and could cause difficulties down the line if he wants to return to receiving communion, etc.

So, I suggest you talk to his priest to see if you can arrange a simple ceremony in which you can say your vows before the priest/deacon with just a couple of witnesses that wouldn’t entail all the trappings of a formal affair. Then, you and your family could have a nice gathering afterwards to celebrate–also keeping it simple, such as a family picnic, for instance.

What I’m saying is he may not want to burn all his bridges no matter what he says he can’t accept about the faith he was brought up in. Such things have a much deeper hold on our lives than we often imagine. It’s just something you may want to consider.

Blessings on you and your families. 😃
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Yeah, in the eyes of the Catholic church our marriage won’t be valid. Which is one of the big reasons we want to avoid that mess. Even if most of his family attends, they will not be happy about it in the least. And dealing with people being displeased about my wedding or even not coming is just one more thing I don’t want to worry about.

Even if I would be ok with getting married by a priest, there is no way that my fiance would go for that. When we first started talking about marriage and I became familiar with the rules governing catholics and weddings I offered for the sake of ease to attempt a church wedding. He was offended that I would suggest that we get married in a way that neither one of us believes in. He felt that we would by lying when we were at the alter.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Yeah, in the eyes of the Catholic church our marriage won’t be valid. Which is one of the big reasons we want to avoid that mess. Even if most of his family attends, they will not be happy about it in the least. And dealing with people being displeased about my wedding or even not coming is just one more thing I don’t want to worry about.

Even if I would be ok with getting married by a priest, there is no way that my fiance would go for that. When we first started talking about marriage and I became familiar with the rules governing catholics and weddings I offered for the sake of ease to attempt a church wedding. He was offended that I would suggest that we get married in a way that neither one of us believes in. He felt that we would by lying when we were at the alter.
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Although I’d only ever advocate one form of marriage, your POV does seem consistent.

I’m curious, are you guys already living like a married couple?
 
Umm, Maybe this is too simple, but go to your inlaws state and get married and have a little pot-luck party with them… Then go to your family’s state and get married again… And a third time in your own state for your friends…

Low cost, everyone feels included… win/win

I’m curious… Why would 2 athiests ask wedding planning advice on a Catholic forum?!?

God bless
 
To be totally honest. I don’t blame you for wanting to elope.

I’m less then a month away from my wedding date and I’m losing my mind. We aren’t having a big wedding anyway. Our budget is about $4,000 for everything and nothing is done except everything we need to do for the Church.

Between the fiasco with the wedding invites (my fiance’s mom wanted to invite almost 60 people when our limit was 75 and she didn’t factor in my side of the family or my fiance’s father’s side), the fact that we just had a baby AND closed on a house and the fact that I have so much to do within the next week or so…I wish I eloped.

I wish we just got married by a priest with a few random witnesses and no family or other craziness to worry about.

I’m trying so hard to not worry about this wedding. It’s getting difficult when I have phone calls everyday from my sister, mother and MIL frantically asking about the wedding.
 
Hi BlueEyedLady,

Surely your family and future in laws are already aware of the potential travel requirements for a wedding, be it a church a park or whatever. What do they think the plan is as it stands now?

When you elope you can still invite people to be a part of it. You can even bring a room full of people to the JOP. I’m sure it’s not what they envision for their son, but… it’s not like eloping in and of itself will exclude them, right? If not, then they’ll have a decision to make.

If they’re still under the impression that you two will be getting married in the church with dispensation then they definitely need to know the truth as soon as possible.

Wedding planning can be really stressful. Good luck and just take it step by step and remember not every decision needs to be made right this second!
 
Myqyl said:
Umm, Maybe this is too simple, but go to your inlaws state and get married and have a little pot-luck party with them… Then go to your family’s state and get married again… And a third time in your own state for your friends…

Low cost, everyone feels included… win/win

I’m curious… Why would 2 athiests ask wedding planning advice on a Catholic forum?!?

God bless
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We thought about doing the traveling wedding thing actually. But the time off work that it would involve and the fact that both of our families would be convinced that their potluck wasn’t the “real” wedding and they want to go to the “real” wedding because the other family got to. It just feels like we would be throwing our family scraps in hopes of keeping them quiet. And I think that both of our families are smart enough to see that.

2 atheists are not asking advice, one is:p

And I’m asking because my fiance’s family is super duper ultra mega Catholic and they will have feelings about our wedding and marriage that I want to be able to understand, and even possibly help make better.
 
I’m very sorry you have to go through such a stressful decision!

While I am Catholic, and so, obviously think the best would be a Catholic wedding, I completely understand where you are coming from and I cannot honestly encourage you to participate in something which you do not believe in. The main problem with his family is going to be the fact that they will see your marriage as invalid, and as such they will not be able to condone it… While I realize that once a person is baptized they cannot be unbaptized, I think I have heard that if a person officially acknowledges that they are leaving the Church (I’m not sure what the requirements for such an aknowledgement are…) they are no longer held to Canon Law. It is just possible that under such a circumstance your husband could marry validly outside of the Church which would help ease your situation with his family. I’m sure they would be very disappointed with his decision to leave the church, but it sounds as though he has already made this decision and this way there would bbe a chance that you could marry validly in the eyes of the church. I am not sure about this, and haven’t studied canon law, so I don’t mean to raise your hopes as this might not be possible, but it also just might be worth looking into. Maybe a question for Ask the Apologist is in order with respect to this? I hope it all works out for you both, I will keep you in my prayers!
 
Kelfa28 said:
To be totally honest. I don’t blame you for wanting to elope.

I’m less then a month away from my wedding date and I’m losing my mind. We aren’t having a big wedding anyway. Our budget is about $4,000 for everything and nothing is done except everything we need to do for the Church.

Between the fiasco with the wedding invites (my fiance’s mom wanted to invite almost 60 people when our limit was 75 and she didn’t factor in my side of the family or my fiance’s father’s side), the fact that we just had a baby AND closed on a house and the fact that I have so much to do within the next week or so…I wish I eloped.

I wish we just got married by a priest with a few random witnesses and no family or other craziness to worry about.

I’m trying so hard to not worry about this wedding. It’s getting difficult when I have phone calls everyday from my sister, mother and MIL frantically asking about the wedding.
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Ugh. I’m sorry about your troubles. I get how you feel though. I cannot wait to be a wife, but a bride I can take or leave. (Preferably leave)
 
I would consider eloping to be flying off to Florida or wherever and getting married in secret. If you tell your families in advance, even if they’re not invited, it’s not really a proper elopement!

I’d suggest what you are already considering – talk to his family and see what will cause the fewest rifts with them. It seems they’ll be unhappy since you’re not having a church wedding, but they may well be more unhappy at the thought that you wouldn’t even want them at the ceremony. Alternatively, they may be satisfied with just taking you out to a nice dinner before you get on a plane. Since you get along well with them it’s worth taking their feelings into consideration. If you do have the ceremony closer to home, it doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive.

Congratulations, whatever you decide!
 
I’d start by explaining to your families that you don’t want to make a lot of fuss about having a big wedding and reception. Tell them you’d prefer to just go to the JP and then have something like a BBQ afterwards. Would it be possible for you and your fiancee to decide on a date, then just tell your parents and his that you’re going to the JP on that day and if they’d like to attend they are welcome to? That way no one’s feelings get hurt over not being invited, and they know that it’s not going to be a huge event, and can plan accordingly? Then it can be like a small weekend trip for those who would like to witness you two get married?
 
thewanderer said:
I’m very sorry you have to go through such a stressful decision!

While I am Catholic, and so, obviously think the best would be a Catholic wedding, I completely understand where you are coming from and I cannot honestly encourage you to participate in something which you do not believe in. The main problem with his family is going to be the fact that they will see your marriage as invalid, and as such they will not be able to condone it… While I realize that once a person is baptized they cannot be unbaptized, I think I have heard that if a person officially acknowledges that they are leaving the Church (I’m not sure what the requirements for such an aknowledgement are…) they are no longer held to Canon Law. It is just possible that under such a circumstance your husband could marry validly outside of the Church which would help ease your situation with his family. I’m sure they would be very disappointed with his decision to leave the church, but it sounds as though he has already made this decision and this way there would bbe a chance that you could marry validly in the eyes of the church. I am not sure about this, and haven’t studied canon law, so I don’t mean to raise your hopes as this might not be possible, but it also just might be worth looking into. Maybe a question for Ask the Apologist is in order with respect to this? I hope it all works out for you both, I will keep you in my prayers!
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I thought that too! It was actually on this site that I learned the rules were changed (in 2009 I think) so that a person can formally leave the church, but they are still bound to the rules of marriage. So basically, there is no way out of this one. Its an invalid wedding and worst case scenario his family will always just view us as shacking up.
 
I’m afraid I am your opposite, BlueEyedLady (but my eyes are blue as well), 😉

I did get married in front of a JoP, in the City Courthouse. No one was there but 2 friends of my husband, and they just showed up, we hadn’t invited them. We went out to breakfast with them afterward. I had a good friend who was angry at me for getting married, so she didn’t attend. 😦 🤷

At the time it made sense to do the civil wedding. His family wasn’t in the state and all I had were cousins, so it’s not like we’d have had a crowd in a church anyway, and since neither of us were practicing Catholics, we never even thought about it.

We finally got married on our 10th anniversary, with our 2 sons and my husband’s father in attendance. Again, a very small ceremony. But at least this time, we were validly married.

Looking back, I am a bit wistful that I didn’t have a church wedding, but like you two, we were not at all religious at the time, so 🤷 I like to watch “Say Yes to the Dress,” and try to find a gown I would have liked to get married in. Since I have 2 sons, I don’t even get to help a daughter get married…oh well…

I have to say, the way people get married now days is ridiculous! The cost! The arrangements! The locations! It’s insane! Most of the brides and grooms have student loans and I don’t think parents can afford the kind of expense that seems typical. It’s like some sort of fantasy, for one day, you can have or do anything you want, like suddenly the Genie of Weddings just granted you your every wish! And I hate shows like “Bridezilla,” where girls are shown being totally nasty and skanky and everyone around them cowers in capitulation (but it makes for a good “reality” TV show I guess).

I am glad you and your FH (future husband) are not going to fake a church wedding. As much as it pains me to think of a Catholic marrying outside the Church, it pains me more to have 2 atheists in front of God and their families, lying through their teeth.

Good luck to you both.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I thought that too! It was actually on this site that I learned the rules were changed (in 2009 I think) so that a person can formally leave the church, but they are still bound to the rules of marriage. So basically, there is no way out of this one. Its an invalid wedding and worst case scenario his family will always just view us as shacking up.
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Best case scenario (from our POV) - he returns to his faith once you have your first child, and brings you in the Church with him!

😃
 
TheRealJuliane said:
I like to watch “Say Yes to the Dress,” and try to find a gown I would have liked to get married in. Since I have 2 sons, I don’t even get to help a daughter get married…oh well…
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Shudders I watched one episode of that show once. I couldn’t take it. I view the dress, and the cake, and the flowers, and all of the other foofy stuff (no, that probably isn’t a word) as just superficial extras. Those aren’t important at all. In fact, I think they distract from the real meaning of the day. Your wedding actually sounds lovely. Besides, and maybe its because I grew up very poor, I look at things like the dress and see a car, or a down payment on a house, or even rent for a month or two. I’m actually just now getting used to being able to buy name brand groceries without a deep feeling of guilt. I don’t know how I would handle a dress.

Don’t give up hope on helping a daughter get married. If I do have a wedding I want my FMIL just as involved with helping me plan as my own mother will be, if she’ll take me up on the offer. No, it won’t be the same as if I were her own daughter, but I hope it will still be a fun and meaningful bonding experience. She does have a daughter though, but she’s a cloistered nun.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Shudders I watched one episode of that show once. I couldn’t take it. I view the dress, and the cake, and the flowers, and all of the other foofy stuff (no, that probably isn’t a word) as just superficial extras. Those aren’t important at all. In fact, I think they distract from the real meaning of the day.
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👍:clapping:
 
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