Eloping?

[TheRealJuliane]

Shudders I watched one episode of that show once. I couldn’t take it. I view the dress, and the cake, and the flowers, and all of the other foofy stuff (no, that probably isn’t a word) as just superficial extras. Those aren’t important at all. In fact, I think they distract from the real meaning of the day. Your wedding actually sounds lovely. Besides, and maybe its because I grew up very poor, I look at things like the dress and see a car, or a down payment on a house, or even rent for a month or two. I’m actually just now getting used to being able to buy name brand groceries without a deep feeling of guilt. I don’t know how I would handle a dress.

Don’t give up hope on helping a daughter get married. If I do have a wedding I want my FMIL just as involved with helping me plan as my own mother will be, if she’ll take me up on the offer. No, it won’t be the same as if I were her own daughter, but I hope it will still be a fun and meaningful bonding experience. She does have a daughter though, but she’s a cloistered nun.

Those things are distractions. The ridiculous thing is that more attention is paid to those things, rather than the promise that is being made to each other (and to God for us Catholics). When I watch any of those shows, I keep hearing from the brides “It’s MY DAY!” as if she has just been awarded the right to do and say anything and have every wish granted! :nope::dts:

And truthfully, I think some of the customs of weddings are downright silly. “BridesMAIDS?” What the stuff? “Maid of honor?” Really? Don’t even get me started on the bachelor and bride parties! That makes me . Yeah, going out to see strippers the night before you get married - real good behavior, sure!

We had already been living together for some time before we got married. We were also 31, so having a big white gown would have been out of the question (although I guess some women still do it, I’ve seen quite a few on their 2nd or 3rd marriage on the “Yes to the Dress” show…I think it’s tacky). I did wear a nice white suit for our church wedding, though.

What are you planning on wearing, anyway?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

What are you planning on wearing, anyway?

If I have a wedding wedding-a tasteful emerald green evening gown. If I.have a quick ceremony outside or elope, a cute sundress.

No one looks good in white dresses, people as pale as I am look especially bad.

As for strippers, yeah, that’s bad. Luckily my fiance and I are on the same page with that being relationship ending.

 

[thewanderer]

I thought that too! It was actually on this site that I learned the rules were changed (in 2009 I think) so that a person can formally leave the church, but they are still bound to the rules of marriage. So basically, there is no way out of this one. Its an invalid wedding and worst case scenario his family will always just view us as shacking up.

I’m sorry about that, that certainly makes this a difficult situation. I would definitely talk to his family before making a final decision. I’m sure that they will be understanding if you take the time to explain that you have tried to find a way to be married validly in the Church, but, seeing as neither of you believe in God you can’t let your wedding turn into a lie. See what their opinion of you holding a wedding without them is in this situation, you have said you have a good relationship with them and they may want to be able to attend your wedding even if it is not valid in the eyes of the Church, especially since you have made an effort to have a valid wedding if it were possible. If you make the decision for them, especially without explaining the full situation I think it is more likely that there will be hard feelings.

As to the difficulty of organizing it all… It already sounds like your going to have a reception when you get back… So surely there wouldn’t be that much more planning to making the ceremony itself larger?

 

[bstorm]

You can have a simple and cheap wedding without eloping. Ours was very simple - a wedding mass followed by a family lunch. We did not send any wedding invitations, just called our closest family members (parents and brothers and sisters) and told them when to show up. They were all out of state, so some of them were not able to make it, but all of them knew. We had no flowers, no decorations, no cake, the only thing we had to arrange for was lunch. We made reservation in our favorite restaurant and told them it was for a family gathering. Everybody just ordered what they wanted off the menu. One of the family members took pictures. Except the wedding preparation required by the church, which you do not have to go through, there was very little planning involved. It was very stress-free and everybody had a great time. A wedding like this is not for everybody, but it was great for us. I was actually thinking about eloping, and if my husband let me, we would elope. He was against it. I am very glad we did have a simple wedding instead - I would not do it any other way.

 

[Non_Serviam]

I don’t post much these days, but the posts I’ve seen from the OP show her to be a person making every effort to be considerate of other’s feelings without compromising her standards. That is something to be proud of.

To her I say, you need to figure out the best and worse case scenarios of telling and not telling each family and then decide what you can live with. You can’t untell anyone, so choose carefully.

Best of luck, and try not to judge Jesus by the company He keeps.

 

[aloe]

I’m a young woman engaged to the most wonderful man in the universe. All wonderful people. I feel like the only person in the world who is actually looking forward to in-laws.

How wonderful this is for you! Sounds like you have hit the jackpot all around I wish you both many years of happiness and congrats on your engagement.

The time has come for us to really start planning our wedding. Originally we were going to have a small but fairly traditional wedding. But life is hitting us and we are realizing that the money that could be spent on a wedding would be better spent elsewhere. Between the cost, the time, the stress, and the potential hurt feelings this wedding thing is starting to feel out of control. This is daunting and I’m feeling overwhelmed.

It is typical to feel overwhelmed when planning such a huge lifetime event falls mostly on your shoulders as most guys, even wonderful ones, might not be really into all the small details when it comes to wedding planning the special day. Have you watched the show Bridezillas? That is an extreme example but it is common for most people to feel stressed and overwhelmed about planning, spending, budgeting, and the huge life changes ahead of that magnitude.

I ran the idea past my best friend and he thought that it sounded nice, but that I would always regret not having that big dream wedding that “everyone wants”. I’m just not a big wedding kind of girl. But at the same time I can’t get that thought out of my mind.
So I guess what I’m asking for is the advice of people who have eloped, or know someone who has. Advice from anyone who has any alternative ideas is welcomed too.

I am not a wedding girl at all. I don’t even like to wear dresses. But I sure did love my small traditional formal wedding, it really surprised me how much I really enjoyed it. I remember it with great joy and love looking back at the pictures and looking at all our loved ones celebrating the day with us, supporting us in happiness for our big day. It was really awesome. I would have regretted not doing it, and I too had thoughts like you are having. Only you can make that decision together. Best of luck with with whatever you choose. I think if you can’t get that thought out of your mind, you might regret it. Sometimes the easy and less stress way isn’t always the best choice just because it is the least hassle in the short run. Not saying that is applicable in your situation, just thinking more in generalities. It is a hard decision!

 

[Geofarmer1]

I have often told my 3 children (2 adults all unmarried) that if they ran off and eloped I would give them the $20,000+ that the wedding would cost to buy a house or a business! (Somewhat in jest!)

I think that your fiance’s family will most likely be relived that you are legally married and no longer “shacking up” even if that marriage does not meet the requirements of the church.

That being said I would also guess that they would like to have some involvement and a day to remember…I could be wrong and some on this board would say that Catholics should not be involved in a non-sacramental marriage.

If it was my son or daughter I would prefer a small event, or small reception backyard type to nothing at all. These could easily be done even twice one for each family, after the wedding.

Best wishes whatever you choose!

 

[sj2]

Meh, if I flipped a switch in my head and became an atheist, I would support an “elopment.” I think marriage is important and hate it when people say–“we are going to get married, but can’t afford it right now. We’ll wait 4 years.” Afford what? Just get yourself married. Your relationship deserves it. Your potential children deserve it. Just do it. So, if I take the whole church/God thing out of it, I think it’s a fine idea, especially if it isn’t some big secret thing.

But, his parents aren’t atheist. And the problem is . . . they don’t know their son is. If they did, then the cat is out of the bag and fine, elope. But it kind of sounds like (maybe I’m wrong) you don’t want to hurt their feelings by giving away the “big secret.” So yes, an elopement would be kind of a hurtful “hint” to mom and dad.

So, if I’m the parents and you elope, I would be genuinely confused why my “Catholic” son did not take his bride to at least my home church where I could then throw a little celebration for them–a whole old-fashioned, small scale, backyard country reception. I would ask my “Catholic” son, “What? Don’t you think God is important? Why did you leave Him out?” Cat . . . out.

But I can imagine having a hippie daughter who just wants close family to gather at the church, watch her get married, low-key. And then we all just head home to kick off our shoes and have hummus burgers in the backyard. Sounds simple and lovely and that aspect I wouldn’t mind at all. No stress, simple, intimate, and unique to her personality.

 

[sj2]

I am glad you and your FH (future husband) are not going to fake a church wedding. As much as it pains me to think of a Catholic marrying outside the Church, it pains me more to have 2 atheists in front of God and their families, lying through their teeth.

I agree with this. As hurt as I would be for my son to tell me, “Mom, we’re eloping. By the way, I’m an atheist.” I would be more hurt if years down the line he told me it was fake the whole time. And I’m sure it would come up. I would be asking for grandchildren to be baptized. I would be asking why they aren’t getting their first communions. I would be offering to drive everyone to church when I visited on a Sunday. Finally my son would say, “Mom! Don’t you get it? We don’t believe. We never believed!” I would answer, “But what about your wedding? The promises you made?” Son would say, “Mom, the church wedding wasn’t real. It was just to appease you.”

Ouch. Knife in heart. I don’t even know my own kid. My grown child is afraid to tell me the truth. I’ve been treated like a fool. Lying, sneaking. Just yuck.

So, if it makes you feel any comfort: I would, hands down, prefer the first scenario. I’m a big girl and can handle my kid saying they’re an atheist. Like it? No. Handle it? Yes.

 

[exoflare]

He does not believe in God, his family knows that he does not go to or participate in mass, but they don’t know that he doesn’t believe it all.

This is the part that really confuses me. If they know he doesn’t even bother going to mass, how can they still be under some illusion that he believes in Catholicism at all? As a “very, very Catholic” family, they would be well aware that deliberately ignoring mass is the same thing as cutting himself off from God, so how could eloping possibly make it any worse?

 

[Della]

I just wanted to say that my concern was that down the road it would make things much smoother for the baptized fiance to return to the sacraments if they had a priest/deacon witness their vows, but I too would not want them to say words they didn’t mean, which would be bad.

I hope you both will be happy in your lives and that ultimate joy will be yours.

 

[Nate13]

Question:
What does marriage mean to you? I can understand wanting to make a commitment to be together for life from someone non-religious but that really doesn’t require much formality to make happen. You don’t believe in God, so I would assume in your mind the only one there that you are accountable to keep said promise is yourself and your spouse. I really don’t understand the purpose of a marriage in other words unless you just want to make a memorable occasion of the formal event of pledging yourselves to each other.

As you said though your in-laws are not going to find it all the memorable. The real question in my mind though is what your fiance believes marriage means to him. Considering you said he does not believe in God, I’m going to assume he really does not care about getting married in the Church. At that point it would seem any marriage related to the Church would just be to please his family, and in all practicality would be a lie. Marriages based in lies don’t do all that well, so I suggest avoiding that. If you get married outside the Church, your in laws will not be able to come considering your fiance is baptized Catholic.

I would suggest doing the hardest thing which is to be completely honest with yourselves and families about what you are doing. Making a commitment to be together for life outside the Church (which is what I assume your planning on doing) is better than making no commitment at all and living together. I’d call it a step in the right direction on your path to becoming Catholic one day

 

[SanctaMommy]

I think you should choose the quickest, cheapest and most convenient way to “marry” your fiancee. Let’s be really honest here - your attempt at marriage will be a sham and you will be no more legitimately married than you are right now, whether you have an elaborate event at a fancy hotel, or walk into the JOP on a Thursday, sign the paperwork and share a Big Mac on the way home. I do not say that to be rude or hurtful, but in charity so that you know what you are getting into. You will literally not be married, unless you marry according to the rules of the Catholic Church. You will be living with and sleeping with a lover, not a husband. You will be having children with a shack-up boyfriend, not a spouse.

Your husband is bound and obligated to marry legitimately in The Church. The fact that he’s, at the moment, on the “outs” with his faith of origin means nothing. He is still obligated. As you are not planning a legitimate wedding, you might as well save yourselves the trouble and the money and just get it over with. Because any way you slice it, you’ll only be playing pretend.

Again, I say this in charity.

I will pray for you!

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I think you should choose the quickest, cheapest and most convenient way to “marry” your fiancee. Let’s be really honest here - your attempt at marriage will be a sham and you will be no more legitimately married than you are right now,Wrong. We will have made a formal and legal committment to spend our lives together. Emotions and romance aside, even from a legal aspect promising to be “stuck” to someone else forever is a huge thing. whether you have an elaborate event at a fancy hotel, or walk into the JOP on a Thursday, sign the paperwork and share a Big Mac on the way home. I do not say that to be rude or hurtful, but in charity so that you know what you are getting into.I have a pretty clear view of what I’m getting in to, as much as any young 20-something does when they get married. You will literally not be married,No, we will. unless you marry according to the rules of the Catholic Church. You will be living with and sleeping with a lover, not a husband.Nope You will be having children with a shack-up boyfriend, not a spouse.Thanks for the info. Is that how I should file my taxes and fill out a census too?

Your husband is bound and obligated to marry legitimately in The Church.Only by the Catholic church. No one else acknowledges this obligation. I offered a long time ago to attempt a church wedding for the sake of his relationship with his family. He (thankfully) turned me down. The fact that he’s, at the moment, on the “outs” with his faith of origin means nothing. He is still obligated.Are you really suggesting that an atheist get married by a priest in a church under what would be very clearly false pretenses? As you are not planning a legitimate wedding, you might as well save yourselves the trouble and the money and just get it over with. Because any way you slice it, you’ll only be playing pretend.Do you see all non-catholic marriages as devoid of meaning? Do you really think a willingness to make a lifelong commitment means nothing more than dating for decades? Perhaps you’re that cynical, but I’m not.

Again, I say this in charity.
Clearly

I will pray for you!

I think that the worst part about your post is that you did not answer any of my questions or address any of my concerns. You simply used it as an excuse to insult me, my fiance, and our soon to be marriage. That’s not charitable. But I do have a better understanding as to the origins of your CAF name.

 

[Rico_S]

Again, I say this in charity.

Wow…I can’t wait to see a truly uncharitable post from you…that would be a good read!

 

[DhuAlQarnayn]

I think you should choose the quickest, cheapest and most convenient way to “marry” your fiancee. Let’s be really honest here - your attempt at marriage will be a sham and you will be no more legitimately married than you are right now, whether you have an elaborate event at a fancy hotel, or walk into the JOP on a Thursday, sign the paperwork and share a Big Mac on the way home. I do not say that to be rude or hurtful, but in charity so that you know what you are getting into. You will literally not be married, unless you marry according to the rules of the Catholic Church. You will be living with and sleeping with a lover, not a husband. You will be having children with a shack-up boyfriend, not a spouse.

Your husband is bound and obligated to marry legitimately in The Church. The fact that he’s, at the moment, on the “outs” with his faith of origin means nothing. He is still obligated. As you are not planning a legitimate wedding, you might as well save yourselves the trouble and the money and just get it over with. Because any way you slice it, you’ll only be playing pretend.

Again, I say this in charity.

I will pray for you!

Many thousands of people have left the church because of this type of “charity”, but I doubt that it has ever brought a single person back!

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

I think you should choose the quickest, cheapest and most convenient way to “marry” your fiancee. Let’s be really honest here - your attempt at marriage will be a sham and you will be no more legitimately married than you are right now, whether you have an elaborate event at a fancy hotel, or walk into the JOP on a Thursday, sign the paperwork and share a Big Mac on the way home. I do not say that to be rude or hurtful, but in charity so that you know what you are getting into. You will literally not be married, unless you marry according to the rules of the Catholic Church. You will be living with and sleeping with a lover, not a husband. You will be having children with a shack-up boyfriend, not a spouse.

Your husband is bound and obligated to marry legitimately in The Church. The fact that he’s, at the moment, on the “outs” with his faith of origin means nothing. He is still obligated. As you are not planning a legitimate wedding, you might as well save yourselves the trouble and the money and just get it over with. Because any way you slice it, you’ll only be playing pretend.

Again, I say this in charity.

I will pray for you!

If this is a helping of Catholic charity, please give my portion to someone else.

Luna

 

[1inICXC]

Ok, so firstly, and I am VERY surprised that NO ONE mentioned this, or perhaps I didn’t read attentively enough, you need to let the cat out of the bag!

A VERY, VERY Catholic family cannot support a wedding done outside the Church between a “Catholic” and an atheist. They shouldn’t even attend, let alone WISH for such a wedding to take place.

They need to know that their son is a convinced atheist (not someone who just chose whatever seems convenient) so that he may no longer be considered “under the Law” ( see Romans, 8 i believe)

If your fiqnce pretends to be a Catholic and his family is as you say, they will not be attending your wedding!

As two atheists, you can do whatever you please, if they can get over their son abandoning his faith and turning his back on his Father and Mother (church), they should have no real pain in getting over an elopement, rationally speaking.

 

[DhuAlQarnayn]

Ok, so firstly, and I am VERY surprised that NO ONE mentioned this, or perhaps I didn’t read attentively enough, you need to let the cat out of the bag!

A VERY, VERY Catholic family cannot support a wedding done outside the Church between a “Catholic” and an atheist. They shouldn’t even attend, let alone WISH for such a wedding to take place.

They need to know that their son is a convinced atheist (not someone who just chose whatever seems convenient) so that he may no longer be considered “under the Law” ( see Romans, 8 i believe)

If your fiqnce pretends to be a Catholic and his family is as you say, they will not be attending your wedding!

As two atheists, you can do whatever you please, if they can get over their son abandoning his faith and turning his back on his Father and Mother (church), they should have no real pain in getting over an elopement, rationally speaking.

This is not true – it is not a sin to attend an invalid wedding. Generally, priests will counsel family members to attend.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

A VERY, VERY Catholic family cannot support a wedding done outside the Church between a “Catholic” and an atheist. They shouldn’t even attend, let alone WISH for such a wedding to take place.

Yep. That’s one of the 30 reasons we are considering eloping. There really is no way that we can marry that they can support. The idea of getting married and much of his family not being there would hurt him. Worrying about offending his family or them boycotting is not something I want to deal when it comes to my wedding.

Either way, his family will know within the next few weeks that he is an atheist. We will be sharing our wedding plans when we go visit them next month, which is why we are trying to figure out what those will be now.

They did want us to get engaged. When we moved in together they gave him friendly reminders to propose to me soon, so that we would at least be on the path to something “solid”. They were thrilled when he did.

But that thrill we go away once we sit down to share our plans. So that’s why I’m here to gain perspective and get ideas for how this can be as painless as possible for everyone involved. And of course, so that we can have a nice, romantic wedding, no matter how we do it.