Eloping?

[TheRealJuliane]

In fairness, he’s probably terrified of having this conversation and I’m sure he doesn’t want to hurt them. It’s easy to say just do it when you’re not the one who has to deal with the whole situation. I don’t disagree that he needs to do it, I’m just saying the fact that he’s been putting it off doesn’t make him a bad guy. Who hasn’t delayed an unpleasant situation before?

BEL says he’s been an atheist for 8 or 9 years now. Time to man up and have the discussion. Sure people want to avoid conflict. But when it’s something this serious? He’s a coward for not addressing it before now.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Ok, someone said that I was being kinder than he is because at least I’m on here. I just want to clarify that he does know that I’m here and that we do read over and discuss the responses together. (Or else what would be the point of this?) Another person described him as a coward. That is so far off the mark. A coward would lie, or try to cover it up. He has made it clear that he doesn’t go to mass. He turned down an invite to confession. He doesn’t even pray at family gatherings before meals. But they have never asked. It seems pretty clear that its a discussion that they don’t want to have either. Both sides know that religion may be an issue. But it seems like no one wants to talk until they have to. And now, they have to. Also, cowards don’t generally tell their cloistered nun sisters that they are atheists. That was a hard letter to write because in admitting that he was saying that he thought that she was living her life for nothing.

He used to see his family 3-4 times a year. Now that we split holidays its less. Using the little time they do have together to announce over Christmas dinner that there is no God and to pass the potatoes would be tasteless. Our marriage is the first real opening.

And to the person who thinks I should reconsider marrying him, you’re wrong. I admire how he has handled this. He has been as sensitive as possible while not engaging in religious activities that he doesn’t believe in or going against his values.

I think a lot of people are reacting emotionally because they are thinking of all the things they would want to say if it were their child. And that isn’t a bad thing. That’s useful information for me to have.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

So I forgot that he had told his Sister sister…

Why not just tell his parents now? I mean, when is it going to be time… If you are reading this, BlueEyedLady’s intended hubby, YOU need to man up and take the initiative. Do it with sensitivity, but do it. Like ripping off a band-aid, you need to let the cut air out so it can heal.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

So I forgot that he had told his Sister sister…

Why not just tell his parents now? I mean, when is it going to be time… If you are reading this, BlueEyedLady’s intended hubby, YOU need to man up and take the initiative. Do it with sensitivity, but do it. Like ripping off a band-aid, you need to let the cut air out so it can heal.

Yep, that’s a common pun around here.

The right time? Assuming there is one it will probably be in person. I’ve always believed that serious conversations are better had in person. He thinks he agrees but he hasn’t ruled out a phone call. We are seeing them in a few weeks, and we are just getting started with wedding planning, so it seems that that may be the right time. That way its in the context of love and starting a family.

They are well aware that we are engaged ( and thrilled about it). We haven’t shared definite plans with anyone yet though, mostly because we were too busy to start planning. Things have settled though and now its time to get to work.

 

[PatriceA]

In fairness, he’s probably terrified of having this conversation and I’m sure he doesn’t want to hurt them. It’s easy to say just do it when you’re not the one who has to deal with the whole situation. I don’t disagree that he needs to do it, I’m just saying the fact that he’s been putting it off doesn’t make him a bad guy. Who hasn’t delayed an unpleasant situation before?

Constantly avoiding unpleasant situations though does not make a good marriage relationship. I’ve had enough experience with inlaws and trying to avoid unpleasant situations and all the avoidance does is actually cause more hurt and mistrust. The lessons we learned the hard way, I wish I had paid more attention to when we were engaged because the damage wouldn’t have nearly been as bad if we had addressed certain situations in a more timely manner BEFORE the wedding.

Its not BEL’s job to do her fiance’s work, which is what seems to be taking place with her trying to get so much advice for what her fiance should have done a long time ago. A family is as dysfunctional as the secrets it keeps. This is still a “secret”, no matter how much his parents MIGHT suspect.

If it was my fiance, like I said I would be looking hard at how he’s handling this situation. Because what happens when its BEL that needs to hear the truth and his avoidance of unpleasant situations delays him telling her what she needs to hear.

 

[SwizzleStick]

…That was a hard letter to write because in admitting that he was saying that he thought that she was living her life for nothing. …

Oh, ye of no faith.



Actually, it is possible that the letter may have given her life and vocation even more meaning. She may now make it her life’s mission to try to turn him around and set his feet once again upon the right path toward salvation.

 

[constantconvert]

From a strictly secular viewpoint, I still wouldn’t do it. I eloped, and I really regret it. At the time it was no big deal, but sometimes I’m too practical for my own good. I’ve been married for over 20 years, and believe me, you’ll want to look back on a memory with your friends and family, and something that has meaning and beauty. You don’t have to spend thousands of dollars. Live near a lake or ocean, a park? Any natural setting where Nature has done the decorating.

As for his parents, please emphasize that you love and appreciate them, and the way they have raised your husband. They are obviously going to be hurt, the sooner you break the news, the sooner they can adjust to the idea, and although they will be hurt, maybe put on a happy face for the wedding.

Just out of curiosity, why are you getting married?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

From a strictly secular viewpoint, I still wouldn’t do it. I eloped, and I really regret it. At the time it was no big deal, but sometimes I’m too practical for my own good. I’ve been married for over 20 years, and believe me, you’ll want to look back on a memory with your friends and family, and something that has meaning and beauty. You don’t have to spend thousands of dollars. Live near a lake or ocean, a park? Any natural setting where Nature has done the decorating.

As for his parents, please emphasize that you love and appreciate them, and the way they have raised your husband. They are obviously going to be hurt, the sooner you break the news, the sooner they can adjust to the idea, and although they will be hurt, maybe put on a happy face for the wedding.

Just out of curiosity, why are you getting married?

I agree with you. My husband and I were 31, we’d been on our own for years, none of our family lived nearby, and we were very lapsed Catholics. We got married in front of a judge, in her chambers, with 2 of hubby’s friends as witnesses (they just turned up by surprise, we didn’t ask anyone to the ceremony). When we finally married in the Church, it was us, my FIL, and our 2 sons in front of the priest. I don’t even have any wedding photos. My first dress was a rose-colored knit dress from Land’s End ($25 tops) and the 2nd was a white suit. Nothing to pass on or reminisce over.

Ceremonies mean something. That’s why we celebrate the way we do. To mark that something meaningful has happened.

 

[maryjk]

I agree with you. My husband and I were 31, we’d been on our own for years, none of our family lived nearby, and we were very lapsed Catholics. We got married in front of a judge, in her chambers, with 2 of hubby’s friends as witnesses (they just turned up by surprise, we didn’t ask anyone to the ceremony). When we finally married in the Church, it was us, my FIL, and our 2 sons in front of the priest. I don’t even have any wedding photos. My first dress was a rose-colored knit dress from Land’s End ($25 tops) and the 2nd was a white suit. Nothing to pass on or reminisce over.

Ceremonies mean something. That’s why we celebrate the way we do. To mark that something meaningful has happened.

I was also married in front of a judge. But I got a inexpensive wedding dress, he rented a tux, we invited 25 people and then we all went to a very small reception. Grand total, dress, invites, flowers, dinner and pictures I don’t know that it cost more than $750.

Eleven years later, we got married in the Church. I wore the same dress, he wore a nice suit, as did our son. We invited my parents, his parents, my sister and her family and our witnesses from the first ceremony. We had dinner at our house, picnic style food, sandwiches, potato salad and the like. Again, not expensive at all.

My parents eloped. They don’t have any pictures of it. A year later, they were married in the Church, they have one picture from that. Mom was 7 months along with my older sister. Mom asked me not to elope.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I was also married in front of a judge. But I got a inexpensive wedding dress, he rented a tux, we invited 25 people and then we all went to a very small reception. Grand total, dress, invites, flowers, dinner and pictures I don’t know that it cost more than $750.

Eleven years later, we got married in the Church. I wore the same dress, he wore a nice suit, as did our son. We invited my parents, his parents, my sister and her family and our witnesses from the first ceremony. We had dinner at our house, picnic style food, sandwiches, potato salad and the like. Again, not expensive at all.

My parents eloped. They don’t have any pictures of it. A year later, they were married in the Church, they have one picture from that. Mom was 7 months along with my older sister. Mom asked me not to elope.

So you could still wear the same dress! That is cool.

 

[1inICXC]

Honestly, this is very incoherent. Either the OP doesn’t know what a devout Catholic family is like or she lives in denial rhinking that they are “thrilled” about their son being with an atheist.

I don’t believe it. Either one or the other has to go. Personally,I think it’s a bit of both.

real, devout Catholics WOULD show they have a problem with pro-abortion, pro-homosexual stance and wouldn’t sweep under the rug the fact that their son no longer attends mass, prays or goes to confession.

I personally don’t have much admiration for people who put their beliefs and values aside just to not rock the boat. Sounds so fake, so PC and definitely not Catholic.

 

[maryjk]

So you could still wear the same dress! That is cool.

I don’t know that I could get it over my hips now. But yes, at the the time, I could still wear it. The priest was pretty impressed, too.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I don’t know that I could get it over my hips now. But yes, at the the time, I could still wear it. The priest was pretty impressed, too.

Awesome!

 

[constantconvert]

I agree with you. My husband and I were 31, we’d been on our own for years, none of our family lived nearby, and we were very lapsed Catholics. We got married in front of a judge, in her chambers, with 2 of hubby’s friends as witnesses (they just turned up by surprise, we didn’t ask anyone to the ceremony). When we finally married in the Church, it was us, my FIL, and our 2 sons in front of the priest. I don’t even have any wedding photos. My first dress was a rose-colored knit dress from Land’s End ($25 tops) and the 2nd was a white suit. Nothing to pass on or reminisce over.

Ceremonies mean something. That’s why we celebrate the way we do. To mark that something meaningful has happened.

I know I’ve only been on these forums a short time, but boy, the more I read about our marriages, the more our experiences seem to mirror each other. I too have been in a tough marriage all these years. Praying for you. Hope you will pray for me too.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I know I’ve only been on these forums a short time, but boy, the more I read about our marriages, the more our experiences seem to mirror each other. I too have been in a tough marriage all these years. Praying for you. Hope you will pray for me too.

Yes I will.

:yup:

 

[SwizzleStick]

…We are seeing them in a few weeks, and we are just getting started with wedding planning, so it seems that that may be the right time. That way its in the context of love and starting a family. …

Was just wondering if your fiance has spoken with his family yet? If so, I hope it went as well as it could. If not, I guess the talk will be soon? Hope it went/goes as well as it can for all of you.