Emergency please help me

[Serap]

I am looking for Catholic friends who will listen, understand, and offer some gentle advice. And how they see it from their perspective, outside my family and friends, who know me. Someone objective, like you all are. Thank you for asking. Of course I am gulping up everyone’s advice. But I can only do one step at a time. I wonder have your ever suffered from maybe an immobilizing depression for any length of time Serap? Some things take time. Until it finally “clicks”. Pray I will find a job, first step~How can anyone even say “pick up and move”. These things cost money. And without a car??? I have to get a job first, then buy a used car…then the next steps will follow. Believe me, I am knocking myself out trying to find a job…nothing yet. I had a 3 month temp job last summer, but it ended…all in God’;s Time.

Corrine, I don’t like to share my story too often, but yes, I have had very significant depression. I am a survivor of very abusive parents (every abuse you can imagine) and my father used to go to strip joints and have many affairs on my mother; so yes I have been there.

At the age of 18, I moved out and went on student government assistance to finish highschool. I didn’t make excuses for myself and yes, I was very depressed and I got very sick that winter. I had to quit school b/c governement assistance cut me off for taking more than 3 days off of school. I was so sick, I couldn’t even walk to a doctor’s office until it was too late.

3 months later, I went to night school, while on goverment assistance and I finished highschool. Then I got a job as a receptionist in a basement of a cheezy electronics store where I was sexually harrassed (verbally) on a regular basis. I quit as soon as I found a better job and I finally had a bit of experience answering phones.

A year later, I paid my way through university.

What did it take? Inner strength that came from anger towards my parents and to God for giving me such a hard life. I said, “Damn this! I’m not going to let anyone make me fail in life!!!”

That’s what you need…you need to get that fighter attitude back. “I deserve better than this! I’m outta here even if it means I scrounge for a while. My kids deserve better too!”

Until you get that, you will always be a victim I’m afraid. I will pray that you stop being a victim and become a survivor.

 

[Serap]

There is no way I would part with our pets. Would you part with members of your family? Your kids? I hope not. I take great offense to the mere suggestion of this. I can tell you are not an animal lover…

It has nothing to do with liking animals or not. He’s saying that it might be easier for you. It’s another suggestion.

If you love your animals like they are your children, then this suggestion is not for you. Don’t take offense to these people who are trying to help you. You are getting a lot of help here honey.

 

[Corinne3]

Hi Corrine,

As has been discussed, you are not in an emergency situation. There is nothing wrong with hanging in there while you implement a plan. Many women have done exactly that under even more dire circumstances.
The key is that you start working on yourself. As your plan unfolds, you want to be able to seperate with pride and confidence. Leaving now with uncertainity of where to live or how you will eat does not promote pride and confidence.
.

Some posters here may mean well, but they have not a clue about stuff. Pack up and go…bring my animals to a shelter, come on…ridiculous. I am not being beaten or anything…

You are right about what you say above. Thank you. And you don’t pack up and go…without one dime…

I say: if some of you are getting sick of hearing from me, and continue to not listen to me, rather give hasty ridiculous and un-thought out advice, you do not need to respond in this thread any further. Thank you.

 

[Corinne3]

Third time asking:

Have you found a CODA meeting that you can attend?

Yes, I have been going actually to a 12-step meeting for 2 years now on and off. It’s not CODA, it’s S-Anon.

 

[Corinne3]

My wife left me. I was 36, had three children and was between jobs. But she didn’t completely leave me - I had to get a job near where she and her boyfriend lived, and let them see the children several times a week, or she would take custody. I turned to alcohol. I spent whole days just drinking, smoking and feeling sorry for myself. But I made sure the kids got to school on time, that there was dinner on the table, that we went to mass every Sunday, and that we had some fun together. Sometimes I failed to achieve even these small things, but I didn’t let that bother me, and I went to confession. The way my wife had treated me was painful, but my own failures were probably more painful. But I always accepted that there was simply no choice - I had to make the best of the situation I was in, with my own limited resources. God often felt very far away, but I knew He wasn’t.

There were two bits of wisdom which kept me going:

• The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in a field. When a man finds it, he gives up everything he has to buy that field, and goes off happy.

Despite everything, I could see some ways in which this situation was a “treasure hidden in a field”, and that I had to give up my resentment, and failures, to make the most of it.

• One Day at a Time. Not just with alcohol, but with everything.

When I was in misery in my bed alone at night, either because of loneliness, or substance abuse, I clutched at my rosary. (God bless 50c plastic rosaries!). I prayed EVERY day - like a morning offering, and one Hail Mary at night.

My parents helped me out financially when the going was tough. Not everyone has this option, but perhaps everyone has some “parachute” for their hardest problems (?).

Our lives have not turned out as I would have wanted, and the scars will remain forever, but we survived and prospered. My own faith is strong, and that, at least, is my ladder to heaven. I go to mass two or three times a week, and pray the rosary every day.

My ex-wife’s second marriage lasted 12 years. I haven’t remarried. My children respect me and my faith, although they no longer practice it.

Dear Edmundus: Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful story!. It’s an encouragement to me. I’m so glad your life turned out happy…I hope your kids come back to their faith one day.

 

[Corinne3]

Thank you much for the great links and referrals for govt aid. I will check into it immediately. Part of it is, I simply cannot believe this is happening and I even need to seek govt assistance. My pride I guess. I have no family or friends to help. This is why I am on here so much. I have no one to talk to really.

But I will do it right away.

I hope I can become tougher. I am so fragile right now, it is hard to muster up the strength. I was raised to be helpless and let a man do everything, then when you find out you can’t count on this man you thought you could count on, your life crumbles beneath your feet. Know that Footsteps Poem???

I will takes Mikes suggestion and go to daily Mass, start praying my Rosary daily, and seeking God’s Will even more. Going to Mass tonight with Rosary Group afterwards.

Thank you all so much.
Bye for now~

 

[Sheeniac]

There is no way I would part with our pets. Would you part with members of your family? Your kids? I hope not. I take great offense to the mere suggestion of this. I can tell you are not an animal lover…

If you have a gerbil and a chihuahua, that’s one thing. If you have a bernese mountain dog, that’s another. Will you be able to afford a place that will take pets? Will you be able to afford the money for food and care?

You can tell that I’m not an animal lover? Well, no, you really can’t tell that. I serve on a board for a purebreed cat rescue. I’ve been involved in rescue and transport of dogs and cats for about a decade now. I have 2 cats and 2 dogs who are terribly spoiled and loved. My male cat weighs more than either dog, so food costs are minimal. My parents have a german shepherd - it costs a LOT more to feed him, and it would be hard to find a place that would take him (apartment). You do need to make sure that you can handle the responsibilities when you actually leave given the size of where you might be moving. If not, then you have to ask yourself who is more important, your kids or your pets. Perhaps you will be able to handle it, but you need to look at it dispassionately.

Personally, I would live in my car before giving up my pets, however, I don’t have kids and our situations are vastly different.

Another thing to consider if the pets become an obstacle is to see if you can find someone to foster them for you until you can get on your feet.

Back to my other suggestion - have you considered selling some of your stuff? See - this is why people come across to you as frustrated - you don’t answer the important questions. Why should we bother to ask and advise if you ignore such suggestions.

 

[Sheeniac]

It has nothing to do with liking animals or not. He’s saying that it might be easier for you. It’s another suggestion…

Thanks Serap, but I’m a she

I think it’s important to look at everything and see what the options are.

 

[Julianna]

Thank you much for the great links and referrals for govt aid. I will check into it immediately. Part of it is, I simply cannot believe this is happening and I even need to seek govt assistance. My pride I guess. ** I have no family or friends to help. This is why I am on here so much. I have no one to talk to really**.
But I will do it right away.

I hope I can become tougher. I am so fragile right now, it is hard to muster up the strength. I was raised to be helpless and let a man do everything, then when you find out you can’t count on this man you thought you could count on, your life crumbles beneath your feet. Know that Footsteps Poem???

I will takes Mikes suggestion and go to daily Mass, start praying my Rosary daily, and seeking God’s Will even more. Going to Mass tonight with Rosary Group afterwards.

Thank you all so much.
Bye for now~

I thought you said you wanted to move where your family is? How can you do that without talking to them and asking them to help you?

Your first mistake was counting on a man to make you happy and “take care” of you. Cinderella and Snow White are “fairy tales”. A woman’s independence begins with her own money.

1. Is the house in his name?
2. Is the car in his name?
3. Are the utilities in his name?

No one on this board said it was going to be easy. Sitting there in self pity is easier. You can move…start a room at a time…clear it out. Next day, start on another room. Post ads or send items to a consignment shop to sell.

 

[gretahope]

I’ll say to all of you caring souls here on this thread: WOW. You all have dug deep to find and offer so much useful info and to share your backgrounds and hearts to this woman, and I find it very enlightening.

Not sure if it’s all going to help Corrinne3 in the long term, but it sure is helping me!!…sort through all that surrounds me!

 

[ac_claire]

Pray I will find a job, first step~How can anyone even say “pick up and move”. These things cost money. And without a car??? I have to get a job first, then buy a used car…then the next steps will follow. Believe me, I am knocking myself out trying to find a job…nothing yet. I had a 3 month temp job last summer, but it ended…all in God’;s Time.

Oh ok…I was working from the assumption that you did have a car, because you mentioned driving around in another post earlier in the thread.

It is definely MUCH harder without a vehicle. Not impossible, but harder.

 

[Corinne3]

I have some family, yes. But they cannot help me with any money, or house me and my kids, sadly. That’s just the way it is.

I applied for state aid today…it will hopefully be something until I find a job~! I don’;t know for sure yet, have to go back tomorrow, with more stuff they need. But it’s a start. I sure hope I will qualify!

I have a car “to drive”, but it is in my h’s name and his parents’ name, not mine. I once asked to be put on the title, but they didn’t. Mine broke down and it will cost 2-3K to fix. I will be able to afford to fix it one of these months…

Why does everyone doubt me so much? I’m called on everything I write here, like I’m making the whole thing up or something. Like this one poster who claims I said I didn’t have a car, yet mentioned I was “driving around”…I do not understand some of you…

It is hard to know all the facts of the whole matter just here on a board, I understand.

Thank you.

P.S. Everything is in my h’s name except our home, that’s the two of us of course. All utilities, etc. I just always relied on him to take care of all that.

 

[Corinne3]

I thought you said you wanted to move where your family is? How can you do that without talking to them and asking them to help you?

Your first mistake was counting on a man to make you happy and “take care” of you. Cinderella and Snow White are “fairy tales”. A woman’s independence begins with her own money.

1. Is the house in his name?
2. Is the car in his name?
3. Are the utilities in his name?

No one on this board said it was going to be easy. Sitting there in self pity is easier. You can move…start a room at a time…clear it out. Next day, start on another room. Post ads or send items to a consignment shop to sell.

I am also planning on getting rid of much stuff to make my life easier when I do move…Yes, have already brought some stuff to consignment shops before in the past, and you get a few bucks for some stuff. Yipee.

I agree and now I sure know a woman cannot count on a man, they can betray us at the drop of a hat. And then what? My father would never have done that to my mom, or my brother either, or my cousins, why me Lord?

 

[joandarc2008]

I have some family, yes. But they cannot help me with any money, or house me and my kids, sadly. That’s just the way it is.

I applied for state aid today…it will hopefully be something until I find a job~! I don’;t know for sure yet, have to go back tomorrow, with more stuff they need. But it’s a start. I sure hope I will qualify!

I have a car “to drive”, but it is in my h’s name and his parents’ name, not mine. I once asked to be put on the title, but they didn’t. Mine broke down and it will cost 2-3K to fix. I will be able to afford to fix it one of these months…

Why does everyone doubt me so much? I’m called on everything I write here, like I’m making the whole thing up or something. Like this one poster who claims I said I didn’t have a car, yet mentioned I was “driving around”…I do not understand some of you…

It is hard to know all the facts of the whole matter just here on a board, I understand.

Thank you.

P.S. Everything is in my h’s name except our home, that’s the two of us of course. All utilities, etc. I just always relied on him to take care of all that.

Ok, that is a good start and it will give you some money coming in - just in case - you may want to start looking around to see what the average price of an apartment is - not what you would like but bare bones what you can live with the your kids if things become unbearable and you need to leave since you may have money coming in.

If your husband insists on taking the car back - why one the posters probably asked- then is there a bus system. MOst of us know this is diffcult with children. Have routes planned out ahead of time. Know how to get the kids to school when school starts back up, how to get to the grocery store, etc.

Just start with the little things. We just wanted to see you start with the little things and dosomething.

 

[ac_claire]

Some posters here may mean well, but they have not a clue about stuff. Pack up and go…bring my animals to a shelter, come on…ridiculous. I am not being beaten or anything…

I’m going to be harsh here for a minute, but please believe it’s out of charity- not spite. I’m glad you’re not being beaten. But do you know why people are posting these “ridiculous” suggestions?? Because they’re trying to help you!

You can’t blame anyone for not “having a clue” when ALL of their information about your situation has come directly from you. From what you’ve posted. Because for months now you have been posting page after page after dramatic page about how absolutely miserable you are, how broken, how shattered, how hopeless, how you can’t go on anymore, etc., etc. You’ll need to forgive those posters who actually give a damn (pardon my language) for their “ridiculousness” when they have listened to you and sympatized with you and have taken time out of their own busy lives to offer support and suggestions to you for **months **now. Please don’t be so ungrateful, Corinne. Maybe that’s not how you think you’re coming off, but you are.

Thank you much for the great links and referrals for govt aid. I will check into it immediately. Part of it is,** I simply cannot believe this is happening and I even need to seek govt assistance**. My pride I guess. I have no family or friends to help. This is why I am on here so much. I have no one to talk to really.

But I will do it right away.

I can understand how you feel about the government assistance. I felt the same way. But ultimately…these programs exist to help people like you and me. (I’m on welfare at the moment, and food stamps.) If you’ve ever paid taxes in your life, and you have of course, then you’ve paid into these benefits and you’re entitled to apply for the help. You probably have already come to that understanding, but just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone in feeling the way you do about it.

 

[Edmundus1581]

Dear Edmundus: Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful story!. It’s an encouragement to me. I’m so glad your life turned out happy…I hope your kids come back to their faith one day.

Thankyou for reading my long story, Corinne, and finding some encouragement in it! Yes, you can trust God to take you to a better life, as He wants it for you and your children. I am praying for you (and your whole family), and hope that you find a way through your current predicament.

 

[horselvr]

Corinne3 said:

“Did I say I allowed him back in my bed? NO.”

Ummm–actually you did and I quote from page 7, post # 97:

Page 7 post #97
“After I found out my h went back to this strip club 2 weeks ago, I kicked him to the couch to sleep, because I just could not have him in our room! Now, because it’s easier on our family, he’s back in the bedroom.”

And another quote from page 7 post # 103:

Page 7 post # 103
“I do think I need to find better more secure boundaries within our marriage, which I have not been too good at. When h retreated back to said strip place, he was on the couc h for one week, then back in our bedroom. WHY you ask? Easier I suppose and not such a shock for our kids, having them endure turmoil by their parents.”

So, please don’t jump down someone’s throat because you have forgotten your own statements concerning something so important as allowing a cheating husband back in your bed. Again, she was trying to help you.

Concerning the animals: I don’t know what type of menagerie you may have but when I went through my divorce I had a 3rd level dressage show horse, my son’s pony, two dogs, and a cat—oh let’s not forget Mutt and Jeff my son’s turtles.

Corinne I realize full well the pain you are in, that you are keeping yourself in. I’m sure it is very difficult for you to even make a plan but here’s the thing, your husband has been going to the strip bars for 5 years, he has been carrying on with a stripper for 4 yrs and you have been separated several times in these years. And your just NOW trying to get your ducks in a row ? You have had fair warning for at least the last 5 yrs. Did you bury your head in the sand instead of reading the writing on the wall? Have you been able to set aside any $$ at all in the last 5 years or did you become complacent and tell yourself he will change and things will be just fine. False hope instead of planning.

 

[Corinne3]

Corinne3 said:

“Did I say I allowed him back in my bed? NO.”

Ummm–actually you did and I quote from page 7, post # 97:

Page 7 post #97
“After I found out my h went back to this strip club 2 weeks ago, I kicked him to the couch to sleep, because I just could not have him in our room! Now, because it’s easier on our family, he’s back in the bedroom.”

And another quote from page 7 post # 103:

Page 7 post # 103
“I do think I need to find better more secure boundaries within our marriage, which I have not been too good at. When h retreated back to said strip place, he was on the couc h for one week, then back in our bedroom. WHY you ask? Easier I suppose and not such a shock for our kids, having them endure turmoil by their parents.”

So, please don’t jump down someone’s throat because you have forgotten your own statements concerning something so important as allowing a cheating husband back in your bed. Again, she was trying to help you.

Concerning the animals: I don’t know what type of menagerie you may have but when I went through my divorce I had a 3rd level dressage show horse, my son’s pony, two dogs, and a cat—oh let’s not forget Mutt and Jeff my son’s turtles.

Corinne I realize full well the pain you are in, that you are keeping yourself in. I’m sure it is very difficult for you to even make a plan but here’s the thing, your husband has been going to the strip bars for 5 years, he has been carrying on with a stripper for 4 yrs and you have been separated several times in these years. And your just NOW trying to get your ducks in a row ? You have had fair warning for at least the last 5 yrs. Did you bury your head in the sand instead of reading the writing on the wall? Have you been able to set aside any $$ at all in the last 5 years or did you become complacent and tell yourself he will change and things will be just fine. False hope instead of planning.

Yes, on pg. 7 of my posts, yep, I unfortunately did let my h back in the bedroom. However, with all the ups and downs here, now pg. 14, and months later, when I discovered he still retreated back to said stripper just 3 weeks ago, this is totally IT! No more bedroom…

And yes, I guess you could say if you want I buried my head in the sand. I look at it as trying everything to maintain my marriage and family, never giving up, always forgiving, always having hope.

 

[Serap]

And yes, I guess you could say if you want I buried my head in the sand. I look at it as trying everything to maintain my marriage and family, never giving up, always forgiving, always having hope.

This is great, but I think now’s the time to realize it’s time to move on to a better place for you and your children.

 

[Sheeniac]

Is there any way you can talk to someone in therapy? While many places have sliding scales, it sounds like you can’t afford much of anything. Perhaps a student going for an advanced degree could assist? The depression of which you speak is a terrible thing to go through.

Otherwise, perhaps you can get some books out of the library on Cognitive Based Therapy. I would STRONGLY recommend it - it helps you re-structure the way you think. However, when you are mired in unhappiness, it is difficult to see the light by yourself, which is why I would recommend some therapy.

How are you staying in your house? I may have missed the funding sources in the last dozen pages.

If you have a particular bill you need help with (utility bill, for example), the local St. Vincent DePaul should be able to help. Please call your parish.

In addition, you should check out modestneeds.org as well - perhaps fill out an application. They verify your situation and then will post your need. People can then donate tax deductible money to your cause. Then ModestNeeds will pay the vendor directly. I’m sure if you did this, got accepted, and posted the link here, some people might donate. I know I would.

All the best, Juli