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Island_Oak
Guest
I am truly sorry for the pain you are going through.
But, I’m not sure what you think the Church could have done that would have kept your wife from giving up on your marriage and looking elsewhere. She knew what she was/is doing was not healthy for you marriage. She made a choice to ignore or break the rules that already exist. More rules are not the answer–for your wife or anyone else for that matter. We are all quite aware of when we are violating our marriage vows–lying and secrecy are usually the first indicators of a problem. The Church and all its rules have never been able to cure the pitfalls of free will.
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Black_Jaque
Guest
TallyCatholic,
I think this is an old post that was resurected (sp?) by Sallybirchwood because it had a similar application to her sister.
The interesting thing about the O.P. is it appears that he is naive about his wife’s “emotional” affair. From the evidence given, I would suspect a whole lot more than just an emotional affair. Especially since they’re heading out of town overnight together! Duh!
I think this is an old post that was resurected (sp?) by Sallybirchwood because it had a similar application to her sister.
The interesting thing about the O.P. is it appears that he is naive about his wife’s “emotional” affair. From the evidence given, I would suspect a whole lot more than just an emotional affair. Especially since they’re heading out of town overnight together! Duh!
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TrishaW
Guest
As a woman who’s been through both, I have to disagree. My first husband told me that it was “just sex”, a giving in to a desire for something different and had no emotions attached. It ended as soon as I found out. Years later, he had a strictly “emotional affair” and I had a much harder time with that. Somehow, giving his most inner thoughts, which I thought were for me and me alone, hurt much worse. I couldn’t forgive that and we divorced.
Just my situation, others are probably different.
Trish
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wacky_wonderful
Guest
To the OP: What did you do/not do to cause your wife to wander? A few years ago someone gave me a verse from the Bible that says that whatever a wife does, wrong though it may be, the husband is held accountable. I wrote down the chapter and verse, now cannot find it. Someone here or Jack van Impe? may know which one it is. It doesn’t absolve the wife, but it does make the point that as the head of household and spiritual leader, the husband needs to take responsibility for what agoes on under his roof.
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BertaSwede
Guest
i feel an emotional affair is infatuation not adultery, and that there is a real difference. . However, it all starts in the heart. i believe this is what Jesus means when he says the passage which says when a man looks upon a woman and lusts he committs adultery. If this were grounds for anything, there would be no marriages left, as men most likely lust daily many times. Luckily i think this is not grounds for divorce but what you do with it.
i also feel yes, there are priests who are attracted to a woman. Because of human nature. But they’re not having lurid affairs, of course not. This is the difference. It’s what we all do with our desires and passions, what comes out of a person that reveals the nature of him or her. As Jesus say, it’s not what goes into a person which reveals, it is what comes out from them. Looks, maybe attractions go in often, but do nothing about. One can want a new car they see in the window, but they do not rob a bank to buy it do they? God does know our heart, and He judge, not people.
i also feel yes, there are priests who are attracted to a woman. Because of human nature. But they’re not having lurid affairs, of course not. This is the difference. It’s what we all do with our desires and passions, what comes out of a person that reveals the nature of him or her. As Jesus say, it’s not what goes into a person which reveals, it is what comes out from them. Looks, maybe attractions go in often, but do nothing about. One can want a new car they see in the window, but they do not rob a bank to buy it do they? God does know our heart, and He judge, not people.
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Black_Jaque
Guest
Huh that’s interesting. I wonder if there is something real in this. Like women are more sensitive to a man having an “emotional affair”, while men are more sensitive to a woman having a physical affair?
If this was real, then it could perhaps shed some light on the wisdom of not ordaining women. A husband would not be nearly so concerned if his wife were to walk into a confessional and dump all her woes on a male priest. On the other hand there could be some serious marital strife if a wife saw her husband confiding in a female priestess.
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deb1
Guest
I think that we are all accountable for our own sins. Afterall, it isn’t as if the man can control a free human being. How can one person stop another adult from doing what they wish? If I wanted to rob a bank, and my hubby knew nothing of my intent, then I am certain that my husband would not be held accountable before God.
Now if you are merely saying that when marriages fail it is usually the fault of both parties, then yes, I agree with that.
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deb1
Guest
I think that they are both equally bad, but I am probably in the minority. Asking me which I would prefer, my husband to have an emotional affair or my husband to have a physical affair, would be akin to asking me if I would rather be killed by being stabbed or beaten.Huh that’s interesting. I wonder if there is something real in this. Like women are more sensitive to a man having an “emotional affair”, while men are more sensitive to a woman having a physical affair?
If this was real, then it could perhaps shed some light on the wisdom of not ordaining women. A husband would not be nearly so concerned if his wife were to walk into a confessional and dump all her woes on a male priest. On the other hand there could be some serious marital strife if a wife saw her husband confiding in a female priestess.
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BertaSwede
Guest
i am glad another person feels this way, as i do as well. The Church, the worldwide one, is always correct, just because one Priest may not be. i would look here to The Church in general, not just your local parish. For it is composed of weak individuals, like all of us, even Priests who are only human.
i was much upset last Sunday when our parish Priest was speaking of how there are many different ways to God, in all the world. i thought no there is not. This is not at all the truth. Only Jesus Christ, is the way, the truth, and the life. i wrote to this Priest, but of course he will not write back most likely. i wanted to speak to him.
You must listen to God, to the worldwide Catholic Church, not to any one person. For that person could be a wolf dressed like a sheep so they say. We do not know.
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wacky_wonderful
Guest
I’ll just have search really hard to find the verse. The point is that just as a parent is responsible for the behavior of the children, the husband should know what the wife is doing. Where there is good communication and connectedness, this kind of thing does not happen. Granted, there are marriages where there is no closeness, no good communication and yet, nothing untoward happens. But I think that’s the exception rather than the rule. Both parties have to work at the relationship. Take your partner for granted long enough and they will wander, either physically or emotionally.
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wacky_wonderful
Guest
I did a general search and found a site that lists several verses along with good explanations. Type in: FEAST ministries and you will see it’s the 3rd listing on the yahoo search page.
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kim3260
Guest
IMO an emotional affair is worse.
An emotional affair entails the deep emotional love that should only be between a husband and wife.
When someone crosses that line, it is a hard road back (not impossible).
Some folks think you all have to sleep with someone for it to be an affair. But it is as bad if not worse then the physical act
An emotional affair entails the deep emotional love that should only be between a husband and wife.
When someone crosses that line, it is a hard road back (not impossible).
Some folks think you all have to sleep with someone for it to be an affair. But it is as bad if not worse then the physical act
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Whiggamore
Guest
Husbands having close friendships with other women and wives with other men outside of shared friends is hurtful to a spouse, unnecessary for personal fulfillment, and the first step towards a legitimate affair. This holds especially true in ‘private’, compromising situations and friendships that seem to happen overnight.
For example, my Mom became quite close to another man under the guise of ‘counselling’. When my Dad was not entirely attentive to her emotional needs due to expected crisis in a middle-aged man’s life, she went elsewhere. One thing led to another and before long (within weeks) she was having an affair. And this isn’t an unusual case.
That kind of special friendship isn’t something to share! Why should you have to? Why would you want to? It’s not as if you’d be lacking social interaction. You’ve got your spouse already, a priest, close friends of the same-sex, family, other couples and shared friends, co-workers, and who knows who else? Ask yourself, “Is it really necessary that I’m close to this person… without telling my spouse… under the guise of ‘treating them as a sibling in Christ’… ?” It’s stupid. I hate it.
For example, my Mom became quite close to another man under the guise of ‘counselling’. When my Dad was not entirely attentive to her emotional needs due to expected crisis in a middle-aged man’s life, she went elsewhere. One thing led to another and before long (within weeks) she was having an affair. And this isn’t an unusual case.
That kind of special friendship isn’t something to share! Why should you have to? Why would you want to? It’s not as if you’d be lacking social interaction. You’ve got your spouse already, a priest, close friends of the same-sex, family, other couples and shared friends, co-workers, and who knows who else? Ask yourself, “Is it really necessary that I’m close to this person… without telling my spouse… under the guise of ‘treating them as a sibling in Christ’… ?” It’s stupid. I hate it.
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mark_a
Guest
I am so sorry for your pain. I agree with your logic.
No man I know would give these types of gifts unless there was a pay-off down the road.
Your wife freely accepting these things is scandalous.
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mark_a
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wacky_wonderful
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cecilia97
Guest
I agree with Trish. My husband had an emotional affair. I suspect it was also physical but I couldn’t prove that part. The emotional affair broke up his “friend’s” marriage and ours. It was incredibly painful to be told that she understood him and hear about all the things he felt they had in common, when at the same time, after 13 years together, he could hardly pretend to be interested in spending time with me.
I begged and begged him to just tell me there was something physical going on so I could forgive him and move on with our lives.
From my viewpoint, the emotional abandonment is at least as bad as a physical affair. Even the strongest marriages, after all, will eventually grow less sexual, but the attachment is supposed to last forever.
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YinYangMom
Guest
While it may not be in the Catechism specifically, as someone who helps engaged couples prepare to marry in the Church, emotionally adultery is definitely spoken about.
Our parish uses FOCCUS as one of the first steps to registering to marry in our parish. It is an inventory of about 136 question each person takes (in separate rooms). The answers are tabulated in a computer and a report is generated noting which areas of communication appear to need further discussion.
There are a couple of questions in there which address a spouse being “unfaithful” and whenever that question is raised in the tabulations our (I do this with my husband) job as Foccus facilitators is to use that opportunity to explain how easy it is for someone to be unfaithful to the other in terms of keeping the marriage vows.
We’ve had many really good conversations with young couples on this matter. They are quick to pick up on how emotionally pulling away from the marriage is far more damaging than infidelity. Most couples tend to thank us and the Catholic church for making them go through all this prep work because the inventory and the weekend seminars definitely raise issues they had not considered yet they see clearly would have a major impact on their future.
Anyway, I bring it up because I wanted you to know that the Catholic Church is doing something about teaching married couples about these things.
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cecilia97
Guest
Oh, I wish our parish had taken such care with pre Cana. We went on the weekend retreat and it was a touchy-feely waste of time, we both hated it. We journalled and shared our answers. The facilitators “prayed over us”. We talked about financial issues that did not, and never turned out to, affect our marriage at all. It seemed very geared toward people in their young 20s moving out of Mom and Dad’s house for the first time…in reality all the couples in our group were close to 30, professionals, and had been dating for significant numbers of years.
We really needed that kind of in-depth talk about “What constitutes infidelity” and “how important is spiritual growth to a marriage”. I’m glad to see some parishes might be getting it right.
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