Emotional Affair = Adultery?

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Wish there were a forum just for people that had experienced EA’s. (have not found one as yet) They are on the rise as far as I have read, and they do not discriminate as far as culture, religion, or wealth or anything else for that matter.

Blessings,
Tee
There is marriagebuilders.com and loveshack.org, but if you want something just for emotional affairs, it’s very easy to set one up on msn (or yahoo, or probably several other places, but msn’s message board format is easier to read).

Maybe I’ll go set one up and come back with the address, but if anyone else beats me to it… feel free! 😃
 
I set one up. Since I seem to remember we’re not supposed to post links here, I will send it by pt to anyone who’s interested, if that’s okay.
 
I personally don’t think that a friendship with the oposite sex is right. You can be friendly but that is it. No going out for coffee or having lunch together because to me it can lead to something. Same with having cell phones, my husband can’t have women calling him and same with me I can’t have men calling me. We can have a mutual friend call but that is it. No exclusive friendships with anyone of the oposite sex outside of our marriage. 😉
 
Absolutely praying for you, ktp! Divine Mercy Chaplet and Adoration will help the praying for your spouse get easier.

cecilia
 
Absolutely praying for you, ktp! Divine Mercy Chaplet and Adoration will help the praying for your spouse get easier.

cecilia
Funny you should mention that, because while I have struggled for years to say the Rosary with devotion and attention, the Divine Mercy Chaplet is what I always turn back to, and I seem able to pray it in a way I can’t, the Rosary.

On the frustrating side is that I said the Rosary, even nightly family Rosaries, and did adoration for years, and it was a huge blow to my faith (from which I am only in the last 4 or 5 months recovering) to discover that not only were the issues I knew about not ‘getting better,’ but the situation, while I prayed so much all that time, was actually worse than I knew.
 
Funny you should mention that, because while I have struggled for years to say the Rosary with devotion and attention, the Divine Mercy Chaplet is what I always turn back to, and I seem able to pray it in a way I can’t, the Rosary.

On the frustrating side is that I said the Rosary, even nightly family Rosaries, and did adoration for years, and it was a huge blow to my faith (from which I am only in the last 4 or 5 months recovering) to discover that not only were the issues I knew about not ‘getting better,’ but the situation, while I prayed so much all that time, was actually worse than I knew.
😦 I actually had just finished a novena to the Holy Family asking for my marriage to be healed when I found out the worst about my hubby’s friendship. I still don’t get it…God works in mysterious ways. The upside is it’s brought me back to the Church.

c
 
You betcha it’s abuse. BUT, this type of abuse is one of the hallmark charactaristics of emotional infidelity. The betrayer is desperately trying to shift the responsiblity on to his/her spouse in order to: (1) justify their actions (which society justifies anyway as long as the physical line is not crossed) and (2) they are usually trying desperately to hold on to the marriage while keeping their “friend or friends” at the same time. and (3) find it too hard to admit even to themselves that they are involved in something illegitimate to their marriage.(too shameful to admit)
I do not believe that this type of abuse is just abuse in order to control a person, but they are trying desperately to control the situation. It is EXTREMELY typical.
Tee, I still think his actions speak to a deeper issue and that emotional infedelity is one aspect of what is going on.

Those actions of abuse are not conclusive for emotional infedelity; they are found in classic abuse and domestic violence.

To say that his signs of abuse are just from an affair would be similar to saying a mom kicking her child is just from the mom having a bad day.

The reason I want to push this point is all about escalation. If he is willing to do these things to you, what else is he willing to do? And what reasons will justify it for him?
 
Tee, I still think his actions speak to a deeper issue and that emotional infedelity is one aspect of what is going on.

Those actions of abuse are not conclusive for emotional infedelity; they are found in classic abuse and domestic violence.

To say that his signs of abuse are just from an affair would be similar to saying a mom kicking her child is just from the mom having a bad day.

The reason I want to push this point is all about escalation. If he is willing to do these things to you, what else is he willing to do? And what reasons will justify it for him?
You may be correct on this, however, I don’t think people that have not gone thru this realize that EA’s and all the lying and trying to shift blame ARE ABUSE IN THEMSELVES. EA’s and PA’s ARE AN ABUSIVE, SELFISH ADDICTION. With most addictions there is abuse involved. IMHO. Thankfully, in my sitch, that is behind me. Since we have come to an understanding, and my spouse REALIZES what he was doing and how he hurt me, it has become a completely different relationship that we have. Of course, it has only been not quite 2 years, so of course, I still take it one day at a time. I think he realizes that if the relationship between he and his friend continued, he WOULD NOT have a marriage left. I made that quite clear. I also made it quite clear the manner that I expected to be treated, and the type of relationship I expected and pretty much demanded in marriage. Hate to sound so demanding, but with certain aspects of our marriage it was either my way or I was OUT. That STILL holds true and will ALWAYS.

Tee
 
ktp

Please send my the info on it. I am not REAL computer savy, but I think you can email me. If you click on my name, there is a spot for sending email.

Thanks,
Tee
 
Maybe the church has failed all of us. The church says you must stay married forever and intercourse is the symbol of being married. What about emotional togetherness and tenderness? What about friendship and respect? I’ve never talked to a priest that sees beyond getting the kids to church on Sunday and keeping the peace. What if you are dying inside? What about that? Why do you think emotional affairs happen to good people? Because they are empty! They want to be connected.
What is marriage anyway? Is is just physical? I think Jesus had more in mind than that! Men just don’t get it!
 
Maybe the church has failed all of us. The church says you must stay married forever and intercourse is the symbol of being married. What about emotional togetherness and tenderness? What about friendship and respect? I’ve never talked to a priest that sees beyond getting the kids to church on Sunday and keeping the peace. What if you are dying inside? What about that? Why do you think emotional affairs happen to good people? Because they are empty! They want to be connected.
What is marriage anyway? Is is just physical? I think Jesus had more in mind than that! Men just don’t get it!
I would say that it’s not just men who don’t get it. I hate when women begin men bashing b/c of a few bad seeds. I would venture to say that more women have emotional affairs than men. Also, with every affair there is another person, so 50% of men and 50% of women are involved in affairs (whether emotional or physical).

No matter who has an affair, there is obviously something serious lacking in the marriage that is not being addressed. Both people have needs that NEED to be met and if one party is not meeting the needs of their spouse the spouse may look elsewhere. Does that justify an affair, no, but I have seen too many marriages fail knowing that it just wasn’t one party that was completely to blame. Also, I have known women and men who have filed for divorce b/c of a cheating spouse.

A spouse cheating isn’t reason enough to divorce and most priests advise a couple to seriously work on things. There are many couples who have survived affairs with A LOT of work.
 
YES, the church is failing marriages!!! They expect one to stay married forever and offer no help at all! Once you are married you are expected to raise the children in the church and that’s about it. It really doesn’t matter about the heart. I think they really need to look at what God intended marriage to be! Much more than sex, having children and church on sundays. There must be respect that goes deep. The church should offer some help for all who are married all through the years! Not just premarital!
 
YES, the church is failing marriages!!! They expect one to stay married forever and offer no help at all! Once you are married you are expected to raise the children in the church and that’s about it. It really doesn’t matter about the heart. I think they really need to look at what God intended marriage to be! Much more than sex, having children and church on sundays. There must be respect that goes deep. The church should offer some help for all who are married all through the years! Not just premarital!
Theology of the Body is one GREAT example of how the Church ISN’T failing marriage. If individuals aren’t doing their part, then the Church shouldn’t be blamed. Women are to RESPECT their husbands, Men are to LOVE their wives. These are two distinct commands that are totally different. I have heard many wives disrespectful towards their husband and many husbands unloving towards their wives.
 
YES, the church is failing marriages!!! They expect one to stay married forever and offer no help at all! Once you are married you are expected to raise the children in the church and that’s about it. It really doesn’t matter about the heart. I think they really need to look at what God intended marriage to be! Much more than sex, having children and church on sundays. There must be respect that goes deep. The church should offer some help for all who are married all through the years! Not just premarital!
Good golly, there are so many marriage retreats and spiritual seminars offered by Catholic Diocese and parishes. There are men’s groups out there to help men balance being Catholic with the stressors of work and parenting and being a good spouse. There are women’s groups out there to help women pray and learn more about building strong marriages and relationships. I don’t know how you could say the church does nothing to help married couples. That’s just not true. You’ve got to make the effort to seek out these opportunities and then sign up to attend them. There are many Theology of the Body seminars, Bible Studies, prayer groups, and so on to help all Catholics live the call.
 
No matter who has an affair, there is obviously something serious lacking in the marriage that is not being addressed. Both people have needs that NEED to be met and if one party is not meeting the needs of their spouse the spouse may look elsewhere. Does that justify an affair, no, but I have seen too many marriages fail knowing that it just wasn’t one party that was completely to blame. Also, I have known women and men who have filed for divorce b/c of a cheating spouse.

A spouse cheating isn’t reason enough to divorce and most priests advise a couple to seriously work on things. There are many couples who have survived affairs with A LOT of work.
A spouse cheating may not be reason enough for a divorce, but try out these affects of an emotional affair:
  • spouse clearly cheating
  • spouse refuses to admit cheating
  • spouse refuses to STOP cheating because says he’s not
  • spouse witholding ALL physical and emotional affection for years
  • spouse never home because he’s busy cheating
  • spouse using emotional abuse to hide cheating
  • spouse hiding money in order to spend on cheating
  • spouse refuses to seek medical or spiritual help
  • spouse agrees to counseling and lies throughout it, while continuing to cheat
THAT was my situation, and I am sick and tired of people judging me and others without having been in our shoes. What was my husband supposedly not getting from me that in his mind “justified” the cheating? Beats me! He rebuffed all my efforts to improve anything in our life. He just wanted to be a bad boy with his girlfriend and run away from responsibility. He knew me for a decade before we married…if there was something I was “lacking” why did he bother to propose? He simply did not have the capacity to make a lifetime committment and he chickened out.

One person cannot save a marriage. I know, I tried everything in my power.

Don’t bother telling me I’ve obviously been hurt a lot and I’m angry. I know that.

cecilia
 
A spouse cheating may not be reason enough for a divorce, but try out these affects of an emotional affair:
  • spouse clearly cheating
  • spouse refuses to admit cheating
  • spouse refuses to STOP cheating because says he’s not
  • spouse witholding ALL physical and emotional affection for years
  • spouse never home because he’s busy cheating
  • spouse using emotional abuse to hide cheating
  • spouse hiding money in order to spend on cheating
  • spouse refuses to seek medical or spiritual help
  • spouse agrees to counseling and lies throughout it, while continuing to cheat
THAT was my situation, and I am sick and tired of people judging me and others without having been in our shoes. What was my husband supposedly not getting from me that in his mind “justified” the cheating? Beats me! He rebuffed all my efforts to improve anything in our life. He just wanted to be a bad boy with his girlfriend and run away from responsibility. He knew me for a decade before we married…if there was something I was “lacking” why did he bother to propose? He simply did not have the capacity to make a lifetime committment and he chickened out.

One person cannot save a marriage. I know, I tried everything in my power.

Don’t bother telling me I’ve obviously been hurt a lot and I’m angry. I know that.

cecilia
I appologize if it seems as if I was judging. That was not my intention. However, the marriages that I know of that ended were due to a lack by both parties in one manner or another.

Are there some people who should NEVER be married? Absolutely (my dad being one of them). Are there people who marry b/c of an ultimatum (marry me or I’m leaving)? Yes, and the person who gives the ultimatum usually ends up with a failed marriage b/c that person didn’t recognize that there were serious red flags before the marriage (if an ultimatum has to be given, then it really isn’t a relationship based on an everlasting love). Are there people who believe that they “deserve” to be treated a certain way without having to treat their spouse the way that God calls them to treat their spouse? Absolutely. Men and women are both guilty. I just get upset when I hear the men bashing beginning. I have witnessed more women who were condesending toward their husbands than I have seen men being unloving. I also know of many women who believe that they don’t have to make love to their husbands if they don’t feel like it (against God’s calling). Sometimes marriages fail b/c of yars of bad attitudes on both parts (I’m not doing that for her b/c she’s not doing this for me and vice versa). All, I’m saying is that in MOST situations there is ALWAYS more than meets the eye and neither party is usually willing to listen until its too late.
 
I appologize if it seems as if I was judging. That was not my intention. However, the marriages that I know of that ended were due to a lack by both parties in one manner or another.

Are there some people who should NEVER be married? Absolutely (my dad being one of them). Are there people who marry b/c of an ultimatum (marry me or I’m leaving)? Yes, and the person who gives the ultimatum usually ends up with a failed marriage b/c that person didn’t recognize that there were serious red flags before the marriage (if an ultimatum has to be given, then it really isn’t a relationship based on an everlasting love). Are there people who believe that they “deserve” to be treated a certain way without having to treat their spouse the way that God calls them to treat their spouse? Absolutely. Men and women are both guilty. I just get upset when I hear the men bashing beginning. I have witnessed more women who were condesending toward their husbands than I have seen men being unloving. I also know of many women who believe that they don’t have to make love to their husbands if they don’t feel like it (against God’s calling). Sometimes marriages fail b/c of yars of bad attitudes on both parts (I’m not doing that for her b/c she’s not doing this for me and vice versa). All, I’m saying is that in MOST situations there is ALWAYS more than meets the eye and neither party is usually willing to listen until its too late.
Thank you, gmarie, and I really am sorry for unloading on you like that. You are not the problem. I just let my frustration boil over for a moment.

Sadly, I was married to a man who didn’t feel he had to make love to his wife if he didn’t feel like it…for 18 months straight. (And no, not that it should matter but it frequently gets brought up on CA, I am not overweight or “unattractive” or have poor hygiene, and I’m not a shrew or a flying harpy) I suppose that could be seen as just more evidence of what you’re saying…that both sexes have some serious issues with marriage…and it’s true!

What saddens me as I complete my annulment paperwork is that, if I had seen this annulment questionnaire BEFORE I married him, I might have thought differently, or at least asked for some changes to be made, or delayed. And the questionnaire form is practically hidden away in a vault in my diocese. Even once you’re legally divorced, it’s very difficult to get your hands on an annulment questionnaire or even find out where to call to ask questions. I’m not trying to lay blame on the Church, but I can’t help thinking that, if they know as much about healthy marriages as this questionnaire implies, why do couples not get the benefit of that knowledge BEFORE they marry? It’s hidden away like a shameful secret and you can’t get your hands on it until you’ve got the civil divorce decree in your hands.

If I had even seen this paperwork while we were seperated, it might have helped us to reconcile.
 
Still, The Church is failing us. The Theology of the Body is a book…a great book, I know. Just like the Bible. How many of us have read it? The church would be doing us better if they had required classes on the Theology of the Body. They require or at least offer classes before Confirmation and that’s it! How great would it be if each church offered a study on The Theology of the Body?
 
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