Emotional Affair = Adultery?

[Lila_Jane]

Amen to what you say! The church requires us to stay in our marriages no matter how sad or unfulfilled we are. We definately need some more help than they are giving. Maybe our marriages are not valid sometimes because of ignorance of marriage.

 

[YinYangMom]

Still, The Church is failing us. The Theology of the Body is a book…a great book, I know. Just like the Bible. How many of us have read it? The church would be doing us better if they had required classes on the Theology of the Body. They require or at least offer classes before Confirmation and that’s it! How great would it be if each church offered a study on The Theology of the Body?

But there are classes on Theology of the Body.
There are several seminars conducted throughout the year.
It’s just that it’s not required prior to marriage, though I agree with you, I think we may need to start moving in that direction.

The Church is not failing us because She does generate lots of material on the subject and diocesean offices hold various marriage, engaged retreats, and there’s Retrouville, too.

The people are failing themselves by not signing up for these seminars, classes, lectures, programs - whatever. Even if the church required every married couple to attend a Theology of the Body seminar, only 2% would go. The Church already has the requirement that Catholics refrain from the Eucharist if they haven’t been to confession and look how well people follow that rule!

No, it’s not the Church’s fault, it’s the people who do not seek out or avail themselves of all the riches the Church offers.

 

[YinYangMom]

Maybe our marriages are not valid sometimes because of ignorance of marriage.

This, I think, is the real issue.

As FOCCUS facilitators for our parish, my husband and I get to see most of the engaged couples before they marry. We get to talk with them listen to them, share our experiences with them should they ask for any advice.

While I appreciate how the FOCCUS inventory brings up the topic of the sacramental nature of marriage I am not satisfied with how they address it in the responses. It’s more or less a, ‘Do you recognize God in your marriage’ kind of thing…to which the couple will respond yes or no, and sometimes we get the “Why do they ask that question?” Yet, as facilitators we aren’t really guided on how to best respond, so the answer a couple receives will be dependent upon the Facilitator’s personal understanding of the sacramental nature.

Personally, I think part of the marriage prep should be a requirement for each couple to listen to Christopher West’s talk on Marriage and the Eucharist and then all the other retreats and such. I also think the Church should require both parties to sign some type of document which states they received all this information/training, they read it, understood it and agree to the principles/guidelines therein. That way when the marriage falls apart 15-20 years later any annulment tribunal will have these signed documents to look at as part of their review.

I don’t like that too many couples can say, “I didn’t know” - including myself! Hubby and I didn’t realize much of the church’s theological teaching on marriage until we started preparing for the FOCCUS thing. What an eye opener that was!

Something’s just not right about the number of marriages which get annulled. To me, it shows proper preparation did not take place at the time of the wedding and that is something the Church can and should address.

 

[gmarie21]

I have a question/thought? Would there be less annulments if the couples were more informed? Many lie (to themselves or others) for love (or what they think is love). I don’t know that if every couple that’s been through the annulment process would have realistically not married had they known then what they know now. To me, what a sacramental marriage is should be discussed and defined as early as possible (when they’re young, obviously discussing what it is in terms children can understand).

 

[Teelynn]

I have a question/thought? Would there be less annulments if the couples were more informed? Many lie (to themselves or others) for love (or what they think is love). I don’t know that if every couple that’s been through the annulment process would have realistically not married had they known then what they know now. To me, what a sacramental marriage is should be discussed and defined as early as possible (when they’re young, obviously discussing what it is in terms children can understand).

I totally agree with you. But, I also believe in many parishes (not the Church itself) there is not enough pre marriage prep. I know some parishes in my area do not even encourage any pre marriage prep whatsoever. I had none myself. (only what I had absorbed from the altar and from a Catholic Education) I had no idea for instance that EA’s existed or could be a pitfall until it happened to me. I actually didn’t see the danger of becoming close friends with the opposite sex if you happened to be married…until it took a toll on our marriage. That’s not to say that SOME parishes don’t do a good job preparing people. It seems to be a mixed bag. I sure wish we would have had it! It might have given both of us just a tad more insight.

Tee

 

[cecilia97]

I don’t know that if every couple that’s been through the annulment process would have realistically not married had they known then what they know now. To me, what a sacramental marriage is should be discussed and defined as early as possible (when they’re young, obviously discussing what it is in terms children can understand).

I totally agree that this sort of education should start early…preferrably before people start dating and looking for a mate! And I’m not sure that knowing what I know now would have changed my actions or thoseof my former spouse…but the Church does have the info and it MIGHT have changed our actions, or it MIGHT make a small percentage of people stop and think before they marry. Any little bit would help, IMO, and it’s so sad that the expertise I clearly see on this annulment form is hidden so well that few of us ever get to profit from it.

If I had a child I would want them to think about the answers to these annulment tribunal questions before they married. They are very eye-opening.

 

[Lila_Jane]

Is there a way Theology of the Body could be taught in each Parish? And, the annulment questions should be made part of that. It could be a big thing like Renew was! It would be amazing to see people happy in their marriages instead of surviving! If a marriage isn’t a sacrament, is it a marriage at all? I don’t think it’s a sacrament if you are miserable.

 

[YinYangMom]

Is there a way Theology of the Body could be taught in each Parish? And, the annulment questions should be made part of that. It could be a big thing like Renew was! It would be amazing to see people happy in their marriages instead of surviving! If a marriage isn’t a sacrament, is it a marriage at all? I don’t think it’s a sacrament if you are miserable.

I suspect the reason it isn’t being taught “officially” is because it is a book of homilies presented by JPII and thus does not have the ‘infallibility’ or ‘magesterial’ component to it???

I’ve always wondered about that…is this a body of writing from a pope as an individual servant of the Lord, his theory, his understanding he’s sharing with the faithful or is it an official teaching he contributed to the Church which is binding???

As for the information about annulments, I suspect the reason they don’t bother the couple with the nitty gritty is because it really is the responsibility of the pastor to validate the couple’s readiness to enter into the sacrament, based upon the hoops the couple had to jump through.

The problem lies in that these pastors just do not have the time to get into the couples’ heads, their history, et. al. enough to be able to rule on their maturity level and thorough understanding of the sacramental nature of the covenant they’re entering into. He focuses on form so that there should not be many annulments being granted due to that whose certificates were signe by him, while leaving the annulments reviewed for intent and such to the tribunal. That’s my guess.

 

[hasikelee]

Still, The Church is failing us. The Theology of the Body is a book…a great book, I know. Just like the Bible. How many of us have read it? The church would be doing us better if they had required classes on the Theology of the Body. They require or at least offer classes before Confirmation and that’s it! How great would it be if each church offered a study on The Theology of the Body?

They do require classes. And a waiting period of 6 months, longer than many people even date. And it is quickly becoming a requirement at all parishes to take various tests, MMPI, for example.

I don’t think the Church can require Theology of the Body seminars as those seminars and books are from one person. Direct endorsement doesn’t make sense, even if the person is 100% fantastic and in line with Christ’s teachings.

That being said, I attended a couple of his seminars with my fiancee and they were absolutely awesome. One of his seminars was targeted towards younger adolescents/young adults, and I found that one less satisfying. But we went to an all day seminar for married people or people considering marriage. Just beautiful.

Why is the Church being blamed for failing marriages? How many people go out and sign up for West’s seminars? How many people go to a PAIRs convention? How many books do they own? How many prayers do they say? How committed do they remain? How chaste?

If my marriage was failing, I wouldn’t be pointing to a church or to my God. I know that is a tendency, to blame God or someone in authority. But considering the legal requirements in this country, everyone married is an adult who should know better.

 

[Lila_Jane]

They do require classes. And a waiting period of 6 months, longer than many people even date. And it is quickly becoming a requirement at all parishes to take various tests, MMPI, for example.

I don’t think the Church can require Theology of the Body seminars as those seminars and books are from one person. Direct endorsement doesn’t make sense, even if the person is 100% fantastic and in line with Christ’s teachings.

That being said, I attended a couple of his seminars with my fiancee and they were absolutely awesome. One of his seminars was targeted towards younger adolescents/young adults, and I found that one less satisfying. But we went to an all day seminar for married people or people considering marriage. Just beautiful.

Why is the Church being blamed for failing marriages? How many people go out and sign up for West’s seminars? How many people go to a PAIRs convention? How many books do they own? How many prayers do they say? How committed do they remain? How chaste?

If my marriage was failing, I wouldn’t be pointing to a church or to my God. I know that is a tendency, to blame God or someone in authority. But considering the legal requirements in this country, everyone married is an adult who should know better.

 

[Lila_Jane]

Yes, they do require premarital counseling, but how much more it would help to have classes offered after 5, 10 , 25 years of marriage…other issues do come up. If I’m not mistaken, Theology of the Body was writen by Pope John Paul II. How wonderful that would be to have support of your marriage all down the years!

 

[Lila_Jane]

I think it would be great if we as a church could emphasize the sacramental side of marriage…the call to a higher marriage. I think we could all have a more Christ like marriage if we had more classes, retreats and just plain support. We should maybe check into our individual Archdiocese having a marriage seminar every quarter or so…I think the response would be overwhelming and the divorce/emotional affair rate would really go down.

 

[YinYangMom]

Yes, they do require premarital counseling, but how much more it would help to have classes offered after 5, 10 , 25 years of marriage…other issues do come up. If I’m not mistaken, Theology of the Body was writen by Pope John Paul II. How wonderful that would be to have support of your marriage all down the years!

The support is there…
various seminars, retreats, lectures, study programs on the topic of Catholic marriages are offered on a regular basis around the United States, many of which are hosted by various parishes.

The trick is in getting married Catholics to read their bulletins, look at the message board on the way out of the church, and actually sign up for these programs.

Less than 30% of our parishioners read their bulletins. They pick one up on the way out, but it ends up tossed aside, never open. People rush in and out of mass so quickly they don’t stop to look at the posters and fliers at their disposal.

Do not blame the Church for not helping.
The help is offered.
People don’t avail themselves of the assistance.

 

[YinYangMom]

I think it would be great if we as a church could emphasize the sacramental side of marriage…the call to a higher marriage. I think we could all have a more Christ like marriage if we had more classes, retreats and just plain support. We should maybe check into our individual Archdiocese having a marriage seminar every quarter or so…I think the response would be overwhelming and the divorce/emotional affair rate would really go down.

I thought Marriage Encounter Weekends were offered several times during a year…are you sure your diocese doesn’t already offer it?

I agree the diocese could develop and promote more sacramental specifically focused retreats and such, but take a look at how programs are decided upon and managed at the diocese level. Is there one hired professional in charge? Is it by committee? Is it a voluntary position? This may explain why more resources aren’t committed to program development and execution.

Look also, at your parish participation levels, and those of the other parishes in your diocese…what percentage tends to respond to invitations to prayer gatherings, seminars, lectures, classes offered at each parish?

Multiply that out and figure out what attendance levels would be like at the diocese location if they offered a class or such? I think you’ll find that’s one of the reasons more dollars aren’t spent on developing programs at the diocesan level.

I could be wrong. I just know that in our area we have a large percentage of Sunday Mass attendance only Catholics who do not even stop to greet the pastor on the way in or out of mass, let alone talk to others around them.

The same small core of grey-hairs attend any class, gathering, social, prayer group, adoration our parish offers - and we offer a LOT on current topics, too - but the majority of our parish members are parents with young children! We are perplexed by the challenge of reaching out to these people so they will respond positively. We’ve even said several masses to help us. So far, not much progress, but I am hopeful.

I also know several of the families are struggling with alcholism, drugs, financial strain and such but they aren’t coming to the seminars geared toward living a Catholic life. We have men’s Catholic groups, we have women’s Catholic groups, we have Mommy bible studies…very small attendance. It such a shame.

 

[Lila_Jane]

I really wasn’t talking about marriage encounter…but, more theology based studies…Learning exactly what God meant for marriage to be in the first place. We just don’t have anything that deep offered around here…but, maybe I need to stir it up and get one started.

 

[Lila_Jane]

Hey, that is wonderful that you all have many classes offered…maybe some of the people that need them …alcholism, etc…would come if it were advertised more widely. I would say don’t give up…keep up the good work and you might be surprised the couples that might be helped!

 

[YinYangMom]

Hey, that is wonderful that you all have many classes offered…maybe some of the people that need them …alcholism, etc…would come if it were advertised more widely. I would say don’t give up…keep up the good work and you might be surprised the couples that might be helped!

Good luck in your parish, too.
Perhaps you are meant to be the one to get that fire started!

 

[sallybirchwood]

My husband and I went through marriage encounter several years ago. It was a real blessing on our marriage.

 

[fooled]

Emotional affairs are adultery. I know because my husband has been involved in one, and I can tell you there is no worse pain or feeling of betrayal than imagining him loving someone else, looking forward to being with someone else, deceiving me to be with her, etc. What some of you don’t seem to understand is that an emotional affair takes all of the person’s emotional energy and directs it toward someone outside the marriage, thereby breaking the emotional bond with the spouse. Our vows were broken when this happened: to love, honor, and cherish, forsaking all others, till death do us part. 1. this was a promise to love only me, which he no longer does. 2. the secrecy and deception and misdirected attention dishonor me. 3. he cherishes someone else, not me. 4. is this forsaking all others?? I think not. 5. if he intended to honor his lifelong committment, he wouldn’t be “dating” (which is what emotional affairs are–dating without sex) and he wouldn’t be focusing on “the grass” being greener somewhere else, etc. Emotional affairs are not friendships. They are one-foot-out-the-door romantic attachments. I also couldn’t convince him it was wrong, because the church doesn’t state that it’s wrong. Now he admits that it’s wrong “because it hurt you.” Wow. How comforting that his sense of morality is so shallow.

 

[novaslasher]

From the OP:

Yet this flies in the face of communion with Rome. Canon law favors the presumption of the validity of marriage. Yet the prevailing attitude seems to be favoring the presumption that the marriage is invalid till proven otherwise.

It is true that the majority of American marriages are annulled by the American tribunals. In 1998, 92% of American annulments were granted. But this is not the case with Rome. If you appeal an annulment to the Roman Rota you will stand a good chance of having the dissolution of marriage overturned. The rate of reversal is 92% with the Roman Rota.

Source: Divorce, annulments, and the Catholic Church: healing or hurtful?
By Richard J. Jenks (pages 46, 58)

If you truly believe that your marriage is valid (although your wife may be making a mockery of your vows) you can ask for the the appeal of the second instance to be handled by the Rota rather than the American rubber stamp system.

I will pray for you. It’s saddening to read your situation.