Emotional affair cheating wife? Need help

[realnamewitheld]

Hi everyone,

First post here, been on this site many years ago. I’ve got a serious problem with my wife and I really don’t know where to turn or who to talk to. In fact, it’s extremely difficult for me to write this without breaking down.

The background. Married 20+ years, kids, conservative Catholic ie: no divorce. Our marriage has never really been the best. I sleep on the couch because I snore, we haven’t had “relations” in over 6 years, we don’t communicate much. Our anniversary was recent, we did nothing to celebrate it. My wife thinks I’m not “religious enough”. As a father and husband, I have been devoted 100%.

This year we switched churches and met new people and families. My wife latched on to a particular family because they have the same value system we do. She took particularly strong interest in the husband. Over the course of the past few months, I noticed they have began talking more after church. They have to communicate because of an church activity we are involved in. I understood that communication was necessary.

Then they started calling each other at home to discuss “deep” religious matter. You know, topics that she says I’m not interested in. I became a little alarmed and checked phone records, hundreds of calls, dozens of hours on the phone, all while I’m at work. I became angry and told her what I found. She came back with they were just friends and this is harmless, it would crush her if she had to stop talking to her friends. Friends being plural. I backed down. Until the calls starting coming while I was at home and she’s talking to him outside in the backyard.

Now I’m really concerned, so I check her cellphone logs and see hundreds of text messages as well. Now trust has been lost. So I take a recorder and place it in the area she talks to him while I’m at work. Is it ethical? No, but I need to know. Is this really a friendship or something else?

So, in a conversation I recorded Monday, he’s asking her a favor. I don’t know what the favor is, since I can only hear her side of the conversation. Her response to his request, I’m shaking as I write this: LOVE HAS NO BOUNDARIES. So there it is. I don’t see anyway around it. If this was just a friendship, the proper response would be, “what are friends for” or some other statement, like “no problem”. But this, it appears pretty obvious what her feelings are for him.

I need to confront her and I don’t know how or what to say. Please help me if you can.

 

[Groo]

Read hurthusband’s thread. Same deal, but more complicated if your kids aren’t grown yet.

I wouldn’t confront her just yet. Get legal advice and a support system in place before you take any action. As much as possible, make the kids your primary concern.

I feel for you. Your wife is doing a terrible thing to you, your family, and this other guy’s family.

 

[anonymous_in_fl]

If what you are describing is accurate, you guys have major marital problems. Hundreds of txt msgs and hours of phone calls to another person is NOT ok behavior for a married person to someone who is not their spouse.

No sex for six years? Sorry, but your marriage went off the tracks at least six years ago, if not longer. I am not blaming one spouse or the other, just asking how can there be a marriage without sex for so long unless there is a justifiable medical reason?

I might suggest you tell your spouse what you know. Demand both of you seek intensive marriage therapy (I’m talking 2-3 times a week for at least 6 months). If either you or she are not willing to do the work to save the marriage then you at least know where you stand.

You have my prayers.

 

[agnes_therese]

If what you are describing is accurate, you guys have major marital problems. Hundreds of txt msgs and hours of phone calls to another person is NOT ok behavior for a married person to someone who is not their spouse.

Neither is recording your spouse’s phone calls. They need couples counseling. Badly.

 

[pianistclare]

So sorry to hear this.
You are right to be very upset and worried. And I agree with the previous poster ^^.
Intimacy, even if it’s just cuddling is important to reinforce the bond between you.
Snoring can be dealt with, just see a Doctor about it.
But having to take his calls out in the yard? HUGE red flag.
Does this guy’s wife know about all this? I can’t imagine she does because a woman would not hesitate to confront another woman and say…“ok, I get that you’re friends…but you are way overstepping the boundaries and interfering with our personal lives”. Tell your wife that you will bring it up with the other guy’s wife. If she wigs out…you’ll have your answer.
Counseling. With the priest. ASAP.
Be assured of our prayers.

 

[Stephen_says]

HI!

I’m very sorry to hear your story. It sounds like there is a lot of hurt on all sides, and getting worse.

The first thing I think is easier said than done, and that is to not let her actions cloud your judgment. You are in distress, and rightly so, but it won’t help the situation to go in yelling and waving accusations in her face. You need to approach your problems in a loving way.

You said your marriage hasn’t been the best, but there must have been one time where it was good, or else why would you have gotten married? God brought you two together for a reason. You need to get to the root of your issues, and that could take a lot of work. And yes, you both may by benefit from marriage counseling, like a previous poster said.

In the least, maybe you should consult your pastor. If you and your wife are active in your parish, that may be the first thing to do.

Pax

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

The emotional affair must be stopped now. The longer it lasts, the greater the danger to the marriage. Unless it is stopped, it is only a matter of time before it crosses over into the physical realm at which point the marriage may as well be over. Look for the wife to defend it to the hilt. The OP should feel free to contact the other man and tell him to end it now. That is something he can do without recourse to the recording as he has the phone bills in his hands. If I were the OP, I’d threaten to expose this man to his family and friends if he didn’t put an end to it. It may still be necessary to change churches again, get a fresh start elsewhere.

The foregoing only takes care of the short term emergency triage. The longer term is that he’s going to have to go back six years and figure out where they went off the track. She likely has a good sized list on him that she uses to rationalize what she is doing to him and to their marriage. Some of it will turn out to be him … and some of it will turn out to be her. They have a lot of work to do, the two of them. I pray for their children.

 

[LongingSoul]

A thing that you have to understand as well, is how powerful this emotional bond is in this situation. People experiencing it would nearly die for the sake of it. It’s stronger than addiction because it is experienced as an intensely ‘godly’ thing and even moreso for a person who has always valued their spiritual life. Things that might normally work to stop a person like guilt tripping or aggression, aren’t going to make a bit of difference in this situation.

You need to strike a balance between fighting for your marriage and working on some of the things in yourself that brought the marriage to the place it was in. Get yourself to counselling as you will need good support in dealing with what you need to deal with here.

Very sorry that you are experiencing this. It looks grim at the moment but take hope that in the future there is every chance that you will look back on this time and see it as a valuable stepping stone to a better kind of life.

 

[realnamewitheld]

Thanks everyone for the replies. Regarding the no sex, we were on NFP when we had our fourth child. After that she cut me off because she didn’t want to get pregnant again or try NFP again.

First of all, I love my children more than anything, so there will be no divorce or separation, even if it means I have to suffer. My kids are the only thing I have, so they come first.

My plan is to consult a priest and get marriage counseling, even if I have to go alone. I wanted to hear other people’s reactions. I know recording a phone conversation is a huge violation of privacy, but I felt I was left with no choice.

I’ve dedicated my life to my wife and kids. The pain I’m going through is extremely difficult right now. I don’t have any friends as my wife never approved of the ones I had. She also doesn’t approve of my family so I really don’t have a relationship with my brothers and sisters.

We are supposed to go over this person’s house for a party this weekend. I don’t want to go and it’s making me sick to my stomach thinking about it. She has no clue I know what I know and she is going about life as normal. The other wife has no idea, they have small children.

I don’t want to blow this up. I want her to explain herself. It’s not sexual, but it hurts me more, because she is sharing all her time with him and ignoring me.

People don’t understand. From the outside we are seen as such a wonderful family. But inside all is rotten, at least for me.

Please pray for me. I know God is the only person who can really help me. He always has in the past.

 

[pianistclare]

Thanks everyone for the replies. Regarding the no sex, we were on NFP when we had our fourth child. After that she cut me off because she didn’t want to get pregnant again or try NFP again.

First of all, I love my children more than anything, so there will be no divorce or separation, even if it means I have to suffer. My kids are the only thing I have, so they come first.

My plan is to consult a priest and get marriage counseling, even if I have to go alone. I wanted to hear other people’s reactions. I know recording a phone conversation is a huge violation of privacy, but I felt I was left with no choice.

I’ve dedicated my life to my wife and kids. The pain I’m going through is extremely difficult right now. I don’t have any friends as my wife never approved of the ones I had. She also doesn’t approve of my family so I really don’t have a relationship with my brothers and sisters.

We are supposed to go over this person’s house for a party this weekend. I don’t want to go and it’s making me sick to my stomach thinking about it. She has no clue I know what I know and she is going about life as normal. The other wife has no idea, they have small children.

I don’t want to blow this up. I want her to explain herself. It’s not sexual, but it hurts me more, because she is sharing all her time with him and ignoring me.

People don’t understand. From the outside we are seen as such a wonderful family. But inside all is rotten, at least for me.

Please pray for me. I know God is the only person who can really help me. He always has in the past.

If you must go to the party, go with her and stand next to her like you
are joined at the hip. When this guy comes over, just meet his gaze. You eyes will say everything for you. Once the both of them get the message that you’re on to this whole thing…go stand next to his wife. That should do it. You don’t need to say a word. Likely one or both of them will panic, and you’ll suddenly have to go home.
When you get home, implore fro couples counseling. Don’t yell, don’t accuse. Just say " I think we both realize it’s time to work on our marriage". Tell her you will make an appointment with Father so-and-so at your earliest convenience. Invite her to come along.
Glad you are going to see the priest, even if you have to go alone. What you say will be held in strictest confidence, but he will be able to help you far more than we can.
God bless you…I truly hope that the healing will begin for you soon…for you, your marriage, and your children.

 

[realnamewitheld]

I’ve been getting so many good responses from you good people.

re Longing Soul:
"A thing that you have to understand as well, is how powerful this emotional bond is in this situation. People experiencing it would nearly die for the sake of it. "

and Zzyzx Road:

“The emotional affair must be stopped now. The longer it lasts, the greater the danger to the marriage.”

I completely agree here. When I confronted her two weeks ago, she talked me out of it by taking the “just friends” angle. I shouldn’t be so trusting, but I am. If you can’t trust your wife, than what do have? You have nothing.

and pianstclaire: " Tell your wife that you will bring it up with the other guy’s wife.’

I have to smile a bit, because that would be my nuclear option. As well as confronting him directly as Zyzyzx suggested.

I’ve been thinking about of all your responses. This situation has been hurting me physically. I did not sleep for 36 hours after the recording. I get sick to my stomach when I come from work. I can’t do my job here at work either, thank God I have my own private network connection or I wouldn’t be able to talk to you folks. I’m going to take work off tomorrow and take her out to a park or someplace private. I’m going to let her listen to the tape. I can’t continue living a lie and pretending I’m OK in front of my kids. I’m not that kind of person.

When I was a teen, I was brutally bullied by kids I thought were my friends. I was hospitalized and diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and spent my 10th grade of high school in a mental hospital. By the grace of God, I completely recovered very quickly and was back in high school the following year. Even though I was perfectly normal, not on any medication, people would whisper about me and spread rumors I was crazy. I had no friends, no girlfriends. Except for one girl, and that girl is my wife. I’m tough as nails, but this, this is too much for me.

 

[cradlecatholic5]

I am so sorry you’re going through this … I was in your shoes 27 years ago … hopefully you can get counseling and things will work out. Prayers.

Have you ever heard of Retrouvaille? A ministry for hurting marriages through the Catholic Church, although you don’t need to be Catholic to attend a weekend.

 

[pianistclare]

I am so sorry you’re going through this … I was in your shoes 27 years ago … hopefully you can get counseling and things will work out. Prayers.

Have you ever heard of Retrouvaille? A ministry for hurting marriages through the Catholic Church, although you don’t need to be Catholic to attend a weekend.

Yes, this^^^^^ Excellent recommendation.

 

[realnamewitheld]

I am so sorry you’re going through this … I was in your shoes 27 years ago … hopefully you can get counseling and things will work out. Prayers.

Have you ever heard of Retrouvaille? A ministry for hurting marriages through the Catholic Church, although you don’t need to be Catholic to attend a weekend.

Thank you and yes, I checked into it yesterday. They have a session starting here in a few weeks. I plan on signing us up if she agrees.

 

[pianistclare]

Thank you and yes, I checked into it yesterday. They have a session starting here in a few weeks. I plan on signing us up if she agrees.

Good. I still feel strongly that you should meet with your priest…with our without her. But let her know you are going. She claims you are not holy enough? Well, here’s your start!

 

[realnamewitheld]

Thanks, pianist for your support. I know a great solid priest. I’m going to give him a call.

I’m glad I posted here, I feel stronger already. I’m sure everyone’s prays are pouring down on me. I’ve had so many miracles in my life. I don’t see why God would abandon me now.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Hi everyone,

First post here, been on this site many years ago. I’ve got a serious problem with my wife and I really don’t know where to turn or who to talk to. In fact, it’s extremely difficult for me to write this without breaking down.

The background. Married 20+ years, kids, conservative Catholic ie: no divorce. Our marriage has never really been the best. I sleep on the couch because I snore, we haven’t had “relations” in over 6 years, we don’t communicate much. Our anniversary was recent, we did nothing to celebrate it. My wife thinks I’m not “religious enough”. As a father and husband, I have been devoted 100%.

This year we switched churches and met new people and families. My wife latched on to a particular family because they have the same value system we do. She took particularly strong interest in the husband. Over the course of the past few months, I noticed they have began talking more after church. They have to communicate because of an church activity we are involved in. I understood that communication was necessary.

Then they started calling each other at home to discuss “deep” religious matter. You know, topics that she says I’m not interested in. I became a little alarmed and checked phone records, hundreds of calls, dozens of hours on the phone, all while I’m at work. I became angry and told her what I found. She came back with they were just friends and this is harmless, it would crush her if she had to stop talking to her friends. Friends being plural. I backed down. Until the calls starting coming while I was at home and she’s talking to him outside in the backyard.

Now I’m really concerned, so I check her cellphone logs and see hundreds of text messages as well. Now trust has been lost. So I take a recorder and place it in the area she talks to him while I’m at work. Is it ethical? No, but I need to know. Is this really a friendship or something else?

So, in a conversation I recorded Monday, he’s asking her a favor. I don’t know what the favor is, since I can only hear her side of the conversation. Her response to his request, I’m shaking as I write this: LOVE HAS NO BOUNDARIES. So there it is. I don’t see anyway around it. If this was just a friendship, the proper response would be, “what are friends for” or some other statement, like “no problem”. But this, it appears pretty obvious what her feelings are for him.

I need to confront her and I don’t know how or what to say. Please help me if you can.

This is a problem. People who are “just friends” don’t talk that long. Believe me, I knew that routine when I was dating.

Their interaction is not appropriate. Your wife cannot hide behind the notion that you allegedly “aren’t religious enough” or “are not interested”. I suspect that even if true, it’s more of an excuse to get you to back off so she can do what she wants.

This probably is what is called an emotional affair. You sleep on the couch and there’s been no relations in six years. I don’t know how you survive in that marriage, and it’s major red flags all around.

You need to confront your wife, and let her know that this is an emotional affair. You should even go so far as to alert the other wife as to what her husband is up to. I mean, really bust this thing wide open. I’d even drop the “well, the have to communicate because they are in the same Church group” nonsense and tell that husband to stay AWAY from your wife.

You have every right to execute such a plan and be assertive.

This is NOT Okay.

As far as “love has no boundaries”, that sounds like something a gay “marriage” activist or a non-religious free love hippie would say. I’d let both your wife and her talking partner know that in the clearest of terms.

While they may think they are “religious,” adultery has no place in it!

 

[Royalist]

The other wife has no idea, they have small children.

So tell her. She has a right to know, and it will help your situation. She can put more pressure on her husband than you can.

 

[Aggie414]

While I hope and pray that counseling works and your marriage is able to be put back on the right path, I would also suggest you keep copies of all you have – text logs, phone records, et cetera. You might not want a divorce but in a lot of states it doesn’t matter. You’ll need the proof that you have to prove that she’s the one that broke up the marriage – at least from that aspect. I realize it takes two. You don’t want her to be able to take your kids away from you when you have proof of possible infidelity at the worst and extremely bad behavior at the least. Also if she starts making noises about divorce you can use it as leverage to get her in to counseling.

 

[Luvz2travel]

You’ve been given good advice. I would tell your concerns to the other guys wife I think she has the right to know what’s going on. I certainly wouldn’t put up with her lame excuses. No one talks to a friend hundreds of times a day except for maybe teenagers. You’re wife needs to enter reality. While she’s getting aways with it things will remain the same. Tell the wife but first tell you wife that you will be sharing your concerns with the other mans wife. If I were the other wife I’d want to know because even if you wife stops with this man the man will continue with someone else eventually.