Emotional and mental wreck

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Do i marry my fiance because “Holy Matrimony” is obedient to God or do i marry the man that i am in love with??? what advice can my beloved people give me on this site, i am DESPERATE for answers. my fiance is 10 yrs older than i am and is extremely nice, a devout catholic, and demonstrates himself as a christian man in my home. Somehow, i feel like something is wrong in our present relationship and im trying to figure it out. Is it the enemy trying to destroy or am i brainwashed by this man??? I find myself experiencing a lot of depression in my every day life. This depression just started a few months ago. I have a lot of anxiety and i find that when he is not home, i am happy and feel relaxed and like i can be me. I also use that time, when hes not around, to bisit my family (parents and sisters). When he is home, he smothers me and acts obsessive with me. I cant go anywhere or do anything alone because he follows me all over the house; even to the restroom. I hate it! He pops in on me unexpectedly and goes through my phone when im asleep at night. I cant have alone time in my bedroom because it upsets him that im avoiding him. He gets hurt when i lock any door behind me and has pried locks open with his mysterious tools to get to me. I feel very suffocated and i cant stand that he is very needy and always feels sick of one thing or another. My whole life has changed after i reconciled with him. It has changed from living in sin to now living in doing whats obedient to God by his choice. Which is wonderful! However, he forces Holiness down my throat and bombards me with catholic readings because he thinks im not close enough to God. He becomes enraged and blows up in anger if i ask to skip mass in the morning to do evening mass instead. If i miss a confession, he’ll question me and makes sure that he is imposing it on me until i get to the confessional. Though he brings a lot of good in my home, i question why then am i so miserable in the relationship.
he has repeatedly been unfaithful to me in the past with online cybersex, and who knows if physically too. I somehow think he has been physical with women in the past. I reconciled with him after he made me believe that he was going to change his ways. And so far, in my eyes, when im around, yes, he has changed. No affairs and no lies. But he does have some psychotic anger explosions to where i fear for my life and his. He threatens with suicide if i ever leave him. I walk on eggshells because im afraid to set his anger off. Its scary!
he is a wonderful, well mannered man and he takes care of my EVERY single basic need and does anything to give me what i may want. He likes to make sure that im taken care of and that i dont go without of anything. He likes to have open communication so that means if i want to plant a new rose bush, he would appreciate if we sat together to search online for a new rosebush. i just cant go out and buy one because then i have made him feel unworthy and he’ll be extremely hurt and he’ll cry. I cant choose anything of any color to improve our 100 yr old home because it needs to go through him first. He criticizes and laughs at my choices and cooking techniques, yet he loves my home cooked meals and will thank me with a soft kiss on my cheek. He makes me feel stupid. I cant even stand up to defend my opinion to him because i feel inferior and dumb headed compared to him.
He prays fervently and its on his schedule. I must pray with him because low and behold i do not, he’ll be hurt and will cry all day in a confined room. He makes me feel like i cant live life alone because i need him. I was independent before and now i feel very dependent on him when it comes to decisions. 😦
I think ive said enough. Please help me. Am i brainwashed?
 
OK if I have understood your post correctly you need to leave him now!

You say he is a devout catholic yet he follows you to the restroom…and you are NOT married?? You say that he is well mannered/takes care of you but is volatile and follows you everywhere, laughs at you, makes you feel stupid and you feel anxious when he is around? You say that he has had cybersex and possibly even been physical with other women? (I took this to mean sexual not abuse?)

You make it sound like you are living together? But you are not married?

The way you describe him as two completely different people in the same sentence is a classical sign of an abused woman. You are seeing all these warning signs that are telling you he is not right, not a good man…but at the same time saying how wonderful he is? Try and read back your own post as if you were someone else, if a girl said what you have said to you, what would you say? what would you think?

You mentioned a fiance and a man you love? is there another man in the picture or were you referring to the different sides of this man who clearly as issues?

Please get help!
 
GET OUT. Please do not try to enter into marriage with this man. You do NOT need him, no matter how strongly you feel this way, no matter how gentle he can be sometimes. This is a dangerous and abusive relationship. Do you have family or friends that you could stay with until you get back on your feet? Do you have a checking/savings account in your own name or do you share it with this man? If you have any money of your own, it needs to be out of his reach. If you have any pets, be sure that they are somewhere safe; otherwise he can use them to hurt you emotionally and try to manipulate you into coming back.
 
RUN away as fast as you can. This man is evil. He’s an abuser, and your life will be hell. YES, you are brainwashed, and you need to get out now and get your thinking back to normal.

Your parents have much to answer for. It is beyond my comprehension that they are actually allowing this creature to enter their home and marry their daughter. What is their motivation? Are they involved with a parish, and does the rest of the parish agree with their methods of raising their daughters and marrying them off?

What I’m trying to say is that I think you have the misfortune to be part of a family of religious fanatics. If so, you need to escape from them and cut off contact.

Do you have any resources? Do you have a car, and do you know how to drive? Do you have enough education to get a job and support yourself? Are you totally dependent on your parents? You said you were independent before–can you get back to that and be safe from your parents and that creature they want you to marry?

Do you have ANY female friends outside of your family circle? Are there any families (NOT in your parents’ circle of friends!) that would be willing to take you in while you are getting your life back together and learning how to escape from your family?

I’ll be honest–frankly, I would be afraid to take you in because I think that your “man” and possibly your parents are very dangerous, and I would fear for my family and their safety. But other families might be braver than I am. And hopefully, I’m wrong about your family and they aren’t dangerous–but I still fear for you.

Can you get to a women’s shelter? Don’t worry whether it’s secular–that doesn’t matter right now. You need to get somewhere safe, where this man and your family can’t get at you. There WILL be devout Christians, including Catholic Christians, working with even a secular women’s shelter. God will keep your real faith intact. Trust Him and stop listening to anyone who tells you that you must marry this evil, sick man.
 
This man is a control freak if I ever heard of one. Your unhappiness will only grow worse no matter how good he is in other ways. Hopefully you are independent enough to take care of yourself. This is not Mr. Right. Would you want your best friend to live this way? Then neither should you. Praying for you to escape from this relationship and for God to protect you from emotional abuse and help you on your way.
 
If you were to go back and read what you have written I feel that you would see clearly that you need to end this relationship, but I suspect it won’t be easy. Frankly, some of what you described is frightening and probably needs to be brought to someone else’s attention for your own safety. If you have not I formed your family of what is going on you need to right now. I sincerely hope that you will have the strength to get out and get out now. I will pray for you.
 
The answer to your question is buried in your own comments. If you are feeling like a possession, are being followed, having your phone calls monitored and you feel confined by a person you have a huge problem. Someone who truly loves you does not make you depressed or feel like a possession. Thinks about it.

If you are feeling smothered, chances are you are being smothered. Something is wrong here and it may be time to set yourself free.
 
You need to get away from this man, and you need to do it now!
 
God is good! And i am in tears that people on this site actually took time to listen to me and then respond. I have enough college education to be a professional licensed counselor if i wanted to. I am currently a public school teacher. So yes, i am financially stable and can take care of myself and 2 children on my own. My 2 children are from my first civil marriage of 11 yrs. i was 19 at the time and married the father of both my children. That marriage didnt last because i was unfaithful to him with this same man. I was trapped in the affair with this man and i couldnt ever get out. Again, he would threaten to kill himself if i ever left him. i was scared and felt like there was no escape, so the forced affair continued. My then husband found out and we divorced. My world collapsed on me and my fiance now has made me see that God had a plan for all this. Gods plan is that we are united in His church and live to serve God.
My family doesnt like him because they can read him. My gut instinct tells me not to marry this man but how can i say no to what is Godly in my life??? our priest told us (after many many sitdowns with him about precana classes) that he wouldnt marry us because we werent for each other. My fiance became angry so he wrote a letter to the bishop about our priest. He then said that we needed to register elsewhere and we did. So now we attend mass at a different parish, in hopes that this new priest WILL give us the sacrament of marriage.
I have no pets. And the only ones that live in fear are myself and small child. I have found myself running out of my own home, carrying my sleeping child, in the cold, barefoot, to get away from the angry man that he is when i set him off. I feel traumatized and there have been times when he locks himself in the shed after making threats about killing himself. I have circled the shed in terror, banging the walls, to open up and get out. I fear for his life. We dont visit my family because he likes us to be home watching movies that he chooses are appropriate for me like Ave Maria, The Ten Commandments… He doesnt like me on my phone so often i reject calls from family because he feels ignored when im on the phone. I have NO friends. 😦 my life is work, home, and in bed by 6pm every night. Hes a charmer at times when he shows up with unexpected flowers and gifts for my children. My children absolutely adore him because he is “so nice” my oldest says. And he is. He is the ideal father and husband when it comes to some days. We pray together every night and morning.
Yes, he lives in our home with us; however, we live as Godly brother n sister (our now new priest said this was okay) and do not share sexual intimacies nor bedroom. I hate when my fiance tempts me with sexual gestures or pushes himself behind me so that i can feel his erection. He knows im weak and uses that to tease me and want to fondle each other a bit. He lures me into laying in bed to pray with him, which then he pursues with a long passionate kiss to stimulate me but then stops and reminds me of how much he loves God and he doesnt want to offend Him. But then he follows my curves with his fingers in a sensual touch. We have not had intercourse in over a year now because we have decided to wait until marriage as to be obedient to our Lord.
The man i mentioned in my first post, is the father of my children. My ex husband whom has my heart. After my fiance betrayed me and left me repeatedly in the padt, but has now had a change of heart, whom now loves and serves God, i fell out of love with him. He hurt me way toooo much in the past. I mistrust him very much so. I think that he is 2 men in one body. Or maybe i just think that he is. Or is he really?? I dont know. I have talked to him about spending time apart or seperation until im able to trust again but he fights me on it. He says he is not leaving because he will not let satan defeat us. He says God is love and he will pursue love therefore confronting what is evil (the breakup). I feel hopeless and in despair and depressed. I also lie about how happy i am with this catholic man to my family and facebook because i dont want people to know how miserable i am. :"(
 
Did i mention that he wants ALL OF MY ATTENTION on him and acts like he loves me so much that he cant be without me. If im at the store and i ask if he would like anything from the market, he’ll reply “just you. So hurry up and come back. " if i take longer than expected, he’ll be messaging me " did you get lost or what my love?”
 
Help2 said:
God is good! And i am in tears that people on this site actually took time to listen to me and then respond. I have enough college education to be a professional licensed counselor if i wanted to. I am currently a public school teacher. So yes, i am financially stable and can take care of myself and 2 children on my own. My 2 children are from my first civil marriage of 11 yrs. i was 19 at the time and married the father of both my children. That marriage didnt last because i was unfaithful to him with this same man. I was trapped in the affair with this man and i couldnt ever get out. Again, he would threaten to kill himself if i ever left him. i was scared and felt like there was no escape, so the forced affair continued. My then husband found out and we divorced. My world collapsed on me and my fiance now has made me see that God had a plan for all this. Gods plan is that we are united in His church and live to serve God.
My family doesnt like him because they can read him. My gut instinct tells me not to marry this man but how can i say no to what is Godly in my life??? our priest told us (after many many sitdowns with him about precana classes) that he wouldnt marry us because we werent for each other. My fiance became angry so he wrote a letter to the bishop about our priest. He then said that we needed to register elsewhere and we did. So now we attend mass at a different parish, in hopes that this new priest WILL give us the sacrament of marriage.
I have no pets. And the only ones that live in fear are myself and small child. I have found myself running out of my own home, carrying my sleeping child, in the cold, barefoot, to get away from the angry man that he is when i set him off. I feel traumatized and there have been times when he locks himself in the shed after making threats about killing himself. I have circled the shed in terror, banging the walls, to open up and get out. I fear for his life. We dont visit my family because he likes us to be home watching movies that he chooses are appropriate for me like Ave Maria, The Ten Commandments… He doesnt like me on my phone so often i reject calls from family because he feels ignored when im on the phone. I have NO friends. 😦 my life is work, home, and in bed by 6pm every night. Hes a charmer at times when he shows up with unexpected flowers and gifts for my children. My children absolutely adore him because he is “so nice” my oldest says. And he is. He is the ideal father and husband when it comes to some days. We pray together every night and morning.
Yes, he lives in our home with us; however, we live as Godly brother n sister (our now new priest said this was okay) and do not share sexual intimacies nor bedroom. I hate when my fiance tempts me with sexual gestures or pushes himself behind me so that i can feel his erection. He knows im weak and uses that to tease me and want to fondle each other a bit. He lures me into laying in bed to pray with him, which then he pursues with a long passionate kiss to stimulate me but then stops and reminds me of how much he loves God and he doesnt want to offend Him. But then he follows my curves with his fingers in a sensual touch. We have not had intercourse in over a year now because we have decided to wait until marriage as to be obedient to our Lord.
The man i mentioned in my first post, is the father of my children. My ex husband whom has my heart. After my fiance betrayed me and left me repeatedly in the padt, but has now had a change of heart, whom now loves and serves God, i fell out of love with him. He hurt me way toooo much in the past. I mistrust him very much so. I think that he is 2 men in one body. Or maybe i just think that he is. Or is he really?? I dont know. I have talked to him about spending time apart or seperation until im able to trust again but he fights me on it. He says he is not leaving because he will not let satan defeat us. He says God is love and he will pursue love therefore confronting what is evil (the breakup). I feel hopeless and in despair and depressed. I also lie about how happy i am with this catholic man to my family and facebook because i dont want people to know how miserable i am. :"(
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God wants you to be in His church, not in a relationship with a horrible controlling man. You don’t need to be in this relationship to be godly…I am not entirely sure what to say to you, you are clearly brainwashed from you posts as he is NOT an ideal husband or father…rubbing up against you is NOT ok, making sexual advances is NOT ok! He is almost acting like a cult, using God against you…to pressurise you into staying. It’s Satan making you want to stay, God would not and does not want this for you! Please please GET OUT!

He is controlling you - he is NOT nice, he is NOT charming, he is NOT an ideal husband or father and he shouldn’t be in your life…it isn’t for me to judge but I’d also say he isn’t a true Christian and is using that to keep you captive. You are basically a slave.EMOTIONALLY captive in invisible chains and locked away in his prison where no one can get to you because it isn’t visible to the outside world.

Only you can escape with Gods help you can…Praying for you! Winch country are you in? If you are in the UK, Ill come and get you myself.
 
You know what you need to do. You just need to give yourself permission to do it and be ok with it. You are living in sin and that is NEVER good. However, with his devout faith you can use his fact to your advantage. Tell him that after praying and going to confession etc. you no longer feel comfortable living under the same roof as man and wife when you are not and that you are not ready to get married. Tell him that this revelation has set you on the straight and narrow and that you need some time to assess what you want and need and right now it’s to get your life right with God. It won’t be easy because breaking joint leases and getting your things from his home and standing on your own two feet is difficult.

Best of luck and prayers
 
You know what you need to do. You just need to give yourself permission to do it and be ok with it. You are living in sin and that is NEVER good. However, with his devout faith you can use his fact to your advantage. Tell him that after praying and going to confession etc. you no longer feel comfortable living under the same roof as man and wife when you are not and that you are not ready to get married. Tell him that this revelation has set you on the straight and narrow and that you need some time to assess what you want and need and right now it’s to get your life right with God. It won’t be easy because breaking joint leases and getting your things from his home and standing on your own two feet is difficult.

Best of luck and prayers
 
Help2 said:
Do i marry my fiance because “Holy Matrimony” is obedient to God or do i marry the man that i am in love with???

Marriage is not something you rush into, and given what you have said, your partner has serious issues that are affecting your relationship.

At this point, it would be a mistake to marry him. Marriage will not make this better. All it will do is put you both into a contract with the state that is harder to dissolve if it comes to that.

The fact that he is nice some of the time----boy, If only I had five bucks every time someone in a bad relationship told me that! :rolleyes:

What you both need to do is get relationship counseling of some kind. There’s not reason for you to be treated like this. And by counseling I mean someone who can see past the “it’s your choice/two consenting adults” nonsense.

If you are living together, I would suggest moving out. At least discuss that particular situation with your priest.
Please help me. Am i brainwashed?
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Im in the USA truefaith. Thank you for your words and thank each and everyone of you on this site. I am very emotioanl right now with all the support that i am
Getting here. Remember, i have no friends and i do not talk about this to my family. Only God knows. Oh and he is seeing a spiritual counselor in which she too has told him that all forces will try to break us. Therefore to continue fighting for his love. 😦
 
This is my house. Under my name. The only way of having him removed would be with an officer escorting him out of here, in which i refuse to do because he is on probation and i dont want him to end up incarcerated.
 
Help2 said:
He says God is love and he will pursue love therefore confronting what is evil (the breakup).
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Please, I think that you know in the depths of your being that this is not love. Love is controlled, not controlling; it is self-forgetting, compassionate, consistently kind. It isn’t consistently manipulative and occasionally sweet. :hug1:
 
Help2 said:
This is my house. Under my name. The only way of having him removed would be with an officer escorting him out of here, in which i refuse to do because he is on probation and i dont want him to end up incarcerated.
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This could be what he needs right now in his life, who knows? At least you would not feel responsible for trying to prevent his suicide or the harm of you and your child; he would be under surveillance.
 
Help2 said:
This is my house. Under my name. The only way of having him removed would be with an officer escorting him out of here, in which i refuse to do because he is on probation and i dont want him to end up incarcerated.
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Miss, the best thing that could happen would be for this man to be incarcerated. He needs to be held accountable.

Stop making excuses. This isn’t a “godly” relationship. He isn’t bringing you closer to God. He’s using you. You are the submissive, he is the dominant. But he’s not just playing a bedroom “game” with you–he’s trying to destroy you. GET OUT today, this afternoon.

And if I were you, I would get a lawyer and seek to have a restraining order placed on him, because I guarantee that he will follow you wherever you go, continue to try to contact you, and stalk you.
 
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