Emotional and mental wreck

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Thank you Wiccan Woman. I have created the thread.

Dear Help2, we are leaving for you and will continue to pray. I hope that very shortly you will be able to come back and freely post to let us know that your boyfriend has left your house and that you have a restraining order against him.
 
Mrs_Sally said:
Thank you Wiccan Woman. I have created the thread.

Dear Help2, we are leaving for you and will continue to pray. I hope that very shortly you will be able to come back and freely post to let us know that your boyfriend has left your house and that you have a restraining order against him.
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Thankyou for setting that up - I’m part of a Christian community on facebook from Christians in my area, they are not necessarily Catholic (some probably are) but a Christian prayer is a prayer nonetheless! Ill ask them for a prayer also.
 
You already know the answers to your own questions. Your family, friends and priest are concerned for you, as are we on this forum. Your fiancee is dangerous. Begin moving yourself and children away from him incrementally. Take action before you become a statistic.
 
Help2 said:
My 2 children are from my first civil marriage of 11 yrs. i was 19 at the time and married the father of both my children. That marriage didnt last because i was unfaithful to him with this same man. I was trapped in the affair with this man and i couldnt ever get out. Again, he would threaten to kill himself if i ever left him. i was scared and felt like there was no escape, so the forced affair continued. My then husband found out and we divorced.
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our priest told us (after many many sitdowns with him about precana classes) that he wouldnt marry us because we werent for each other. My fiance became angry so he wrote a letter to the bishop about our priest.
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Quite apart from any of the other issues you identify (all of which scream DON’T MARRY THIS GUY!!!) what you point to here could be considered a formal impediment to marriage.

Canon 1093 identifies an impediment of ‘public propriety’ where the parties are “related” by notorious concubinage. This usually means when one party broke up the other’s marriage. The impediment can be lifted by a bishop, and some would argue that it doesn’t apply in your case since your first marriage was presumptively invalid.

All the same, this Canon does not exist just because the Church wants to throw a hurdle in your way, it exists because whenever someone begins a relationship in this way, there are always serious issues which require serious healing and serious reflection before jumping into a marriage together.

It doesn’t sound like these have been resolved in your case. This guy sounds dangerous and psychologically unstable (I mean, you have to pray on his schedule or he cries in a room on his own all day! Seriously? Do you think that will help to make you holy?)

Sorry to be so hard on you, but it is important that you see how unhealthy all of this is. I will pray, and I hope you find happiness without him.
 
well, seems like things have been solved somehow, now i suggest you go to the women shelter like someone told you, and tell them about his suicide threats and stuff, they will be able to help you to deal with all that, by the way, do it ASAP and take your kids with you.

If you somehow think that we do not see the good in that man, yes we do, he is a son of God, but he is not prepared to have a family.

let me explain it to you this way, imagine there is an accident and there is an injured person, then a 16 Years old kid, put down his videogame and tell the people to back away, that he is going to operate, after all he does it very well in the videogame. even if he means well, you know that it would be stupid to let the kid operate instead of a real doctor.

and about how can incarcerating someone could be benefical, the answer is simple, to protect others and himself from him. even it could be posible that he did not end up in jail, but in a mental institute, where he would get treatments to get him back in health.

but anyway, the main part is that you should look for people with experience, so go to the women shelter to ask for help and do it ASAP.
 
I have to wonder what evidence the OP would havd that this man is not a prospect for a holy and life-giving marriage, beyond what she has learned? He is the only one who thinks so, and he is the only witness who makes her fearful. Does she think the devil could hogtie Heaven so much as that? I think it far more likely that the devil would sow doubt about what all the usually reliable sources say in favor if the choice that even her own gut tells her is all wrong. Don’t believe all that is healthy, reliable, and orovided for your spiritual guidance. Don’t believe your own gut or your own heart. Trust me, instead.

Honestly, it makes the hair stand up in my neck that it is even a question to her.
 
Good evening my dearly beloved brothers and sisters. I lay here in bed, shaking and fighting the anxiety levels that have aroused to make me feel unsafe and uncomfortable in my own home. My fiance has been initiating an answer as to why i have been distant with him. After spending some time on here, i have been praying about this and have put a guard up to protect my heart and self from my fiance. Hes been uncomfortable too and is crying for the affection of this woman. I see him uneasy and almost pouting and feeling sorry for himself so that i can empathize with him and give in to his selfish needy tantrums. I cant explain the feelings that ive started to develop for him after reading much on emotional abuse victims and psychosis disorders. I am starting to question myself with the same questioning that you all have imposed on me. Thank you all for that. Most of my answers to those are no, by the way.
Tonight, after already praying, he got up out of his bed and slammed the door to his bedroom because i was too loud in the next door bedroom when having a conversation with my mother, in whom i hadnt seen or talked to in over a week. His aggression to slam the door literally made me jump from my bed shaken. What does this say from this behavior? Someone please tell me. Was it because i was disrespectful to him by not being considerate of him because he worked all day today as a dispatcher at a desk?? Was that mean of me? I found myself apologizing to him for it. Sadly, i had to say goodbye to my mom on the other line. 😦 guess we can pick up where we left off tomorrow or on another day.
After apologizing to him, he said he knows that something is wrong. Has it been wrong for me to listen and take to heart what you all are sharing with me to the point that he feels something is going on?
Thank u to these beautiful hearts that established the prayer chain for me.
 
I dont know if i’ll sleep tonight because sometime, in the next hour or so, he’s gonna come in wanting answers. I think i’ll fake that i love him dearly. Offer prayer with him. And then take advantage of the nights peaceful rest. 🙂 thank you again for being such wonderful prayer warriors. May the love if God continue flowing ur hearts.
 
Tell him you are in bed for the night and he needs to leave and get some sleep himself. Don’t fake anything. Firmly and sweetly draw a reasonable line. It is late, you are both tired…put him off.

Do not forget that you can tell him “why are you doing this? You are scaring me. It is time we are each in our own rooms.” It is unlikely he will want to openly try to scare you, because he hasn’t gotten yoh to exchange vows yet.
 
Help2 said:
What does this say from this behavior? Someone please tell me. Was it because i was disrespectful to him by not being considerate of him because he worked all day today as a dispatcher at a desk?? Was that mean of me? I found myself apologizing to him for it. Sadly, i had to say goodbye to my mom on the other line. 😦 guess we can pick up where we left off tomorrow or on another day.
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Do see what is happening? He explodes with unreasonable rage; you wonder what you did wrong, why it happened, how you can change yourself. But you can NEVER change yourself so much that he will stop exploding, because YOU are not the problem. The responsibility lies with him. This is a situation that is his fault but you are always the one who will be blamed - both by him and yourself.
 
This is domestic violence! Even if he never laid a hand on you.

It is not your fault or responsibility if his past results in jail or mental facility for suicide threats…he is not a child you need to protect or shield from consequences of present behavior or past history.

You do have to protect yourself and child! Please call current or old priest who wouldn’t marry you to explain that no matter how much religious garb he cloaks behavior in, it isn’t Godly.

Call domestic violence hotline, they can hook you up locally with people to help you face to face, or call your family from work, ask them to come stay so the next time he intimidates you by threatening suicide you can call 911 for his safety…then look into restraining order to keep him out of your house. From all that you disclosed here it is likely you would get the protective order, especially with children involved.

Don’t worry about kids being hurt or angry at mom for making their buddy go away…he counts on that and it’s why he gifts them and spoils them so they look past his abusive behavior towards you…it works for now, what about when they realize…this isn’t normal and they get angry at mom for not protecting them from his abusive outbursts?

Praying for you, children and him that he gets appropriate help…that you get the help and support you need to stand tall!
 
Help2 said:
Good evening my dearly beloved brothers and sisters. I lay here in bed, shaking and fighting the anxiety levels that have aroused to make me feel unsafe and uncomfortable in my own home. My fiance has been initiating an answer as to why i have been distant with him. After spending some time on here, i have been praying about this and have put a guard up to protect my heart and self from my fiance. Hes been uncomfortable too and is crying for the affection of this woman. I see him uneasy and almost pouting and feeling sorry for himself so that i can empathize with him and give in to his selfish needy tantrums. I cant explain the feelings that ive started to develop for him after reading much on emotional abuse victims and psychosis disorders. I am starting to question myself with the same questioning that you all have imposed on me. Thank you all for that. Most of my answers to those are no, by the way.
Tonight, after already praying, he got up out of his bed and slammed the door to his bedroom because i was too loud in the next door bedroom when having a conversation with my mother, in whom i hadnt seen or talked to in over a week. His aggression to slam the door literally made me jump from my bed shaken. What does this say from this behavior? Someone please tell me. Was it because i was disrespectful to him by not being considerate of him because he worked all day today as a dispatcher at a desk?? Was that mean of me? I found myself apologizing to him for it. Sadly, i had to say goodbye to my mom on the other line. 😦 guess we can pick up where we left off tomorrow or on another day.
After apologizing to him, he said he knows that something is wrong. Has it been wrong for me to listen and take to heart what you all are sharing with me to the point that he feels something is going on?
Thank u to these beautiful hearts that established the prayer chain for me.
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Thank you for checking in…I was worrying about you yesterday thinking something had happened…while you are still questioning your own actions…this is normal in abuse cases but I am glad to see you are beginning to think clearly for yourself and do some research. You are entitled to speak to your mum 🙂 Keep it up 👍
 
I am well my dear friends. 🙂 through lots of prayer, i hope to see things from your eyes. I had a rough work day today so im gonna pray until i fall asleep. Gods love endures forever! Praying for all of you, for God knows ur specific needs. Xoxoxo
 
The Lord helps those who help themselves. Pray as often as you can pray, but you also must DO something. Tell this man that he must leave your home IMMEDIATELY. Involve the police and explain to them that this man has been terrorizing you and your child and that you fear for your safety. Get a restraining order. Hopefully, he is afraid enough of going to jail on a probation violation that he will leave peacefully.
 
Whenever I read these posts, I get a picture of Jesus speaking to the woman at the well. This is in John Chapter 4. In my old Catholic Bible, it says: “Thou hast said well, ‘I have no husband’………he whom thou now hast is not thy husband.”

I have just finished a book by Dr. Phil McGraw. It is called “Life Code - The New Rules for Winning in the Real World.” In the first chapters, Dr. Phil describes a class of people he calls “baiters.” These people are very charming, but they have no conscience. They want your spouse, your job, and/or your money.

I believe the poster was married to her first husband when this guy came along. He sounds just like the people that Dr. Phil describes in his book.

If she marries this guy, then what guarantee does she have that he won’t commit a little adultery on the side? None.

Besides wanting her, I think he wants her house and her money, too.

This guy sounds both smart and dangerous. If she decides to read this book, she should go to a bookstore and glance through it on her lunch hour. She should NOT let him know that she is reading this book.

She needs to get this guy’s behavior out in the open. If he is crying in his room, threatening to commit suicide, she should take her children, leave, and call a hotline.

If his behavior is out of control, she should call 911. If this guy gets hauled off to jail, it may be the best thing that ever happened.
 
Help2 said:
Did i mention that he wants ALL OF MY ATTENTION on him and acts like he loves me so much that he cant be without me. If im at the store and i ask if he would like anything from the market, he’ll reply “just you. So hurry up and come back. " if i take longer than expected, he’ll be messaging me " did you get lost or what my love?”
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Get out now. Find a shelter and get out. Then even if you have to be silent with your family for a while check into changing your name and that of the children, move and get away from him. Please. If you can’t do it for you do it for the kids. Otherwise maybe you should give up custody to your previous husband. You are not the only victim here. They are and you better help them if you can’t help yourself.
 
This sounds like abuse, to me.

I was married to a man who brought me flowers ‘just because,’ never forgot an anniversary or birthday or Valentine’s Day, and more…but he was also critical as you describe, and over the years, I became a completely different, and lesser person with the criticisms, digs, deceptions, etc. At the very worst, I can remember sitting at green light, afraid to go, because I had come to mistrust my own perceptions that badly. When someone is breaking you down, I do not believe that is the person God wills for you.

Marriage should draw both people nearer to God, lift them up, bring them joy.
 
I don’t know how you can think that God would want you to be with a person who broke up your first marriage. Do you think that God breaks up civil marriages, just to bring you back to His Church? God is unifying. It is the devil who is deceptive and divisive. I doubt God would want to break up your children’s stable home.

On a practical note, you are not a yo-yo. When someone is really really nice to you, then really really not nice to you, that is a VERY typical pattern of emotional abuse. When someone makes you feel guilty for every little thing and threatens you if you leave, that is emotional abuse. Maybe you don’t think you deserve better, and maybe your fiance will tell you that you don’t deserve better, but you do.

Maybe you’ve been living like this a long time and don’t see it, but maybe you do because you are questioning it, so deep down, you know this relationship with your fiance is simply not good. Even if deep down your fiance can be a “good guy”, he doesn’t seem like he is capable of having a healthy relationship with you. Some people simply don’t have that in them, and it is not your fault that he acts the way he does.

The above posters have given you very good advice. I would suggest you consider it. God bless.
 
Truth_Faith13 said:
OK if I have understood your post correctly you need to leave him now!

You say he is a devout catholic yet he follows you to the restroom…and you are NOT married?? You say that he is well mannered/takes care of you but is volatile and follows you everywhere, laughs at you, makes you feel stupid and you feel anxious when he is around? You say that he has had cybersex and possibly even been physical with other women? (I took this to mean sexual not abuse?)

You make it sound like you are living together? But you are not married?

The way you describe him as two completely different people in the same sentence is a classical sign of an abused woman. You are seeing all these warning signs that are telling you he is not right, not a good man…but at the same time saying how wonderful he is? Try and read back your own post as if you were someone else, if a girl said what you have said to you, what would you say? what would you think?

You mentioned a fiance and a man you love? is there another man in the picture or were you referring to the different sides of this man who clearly as issues?

Please get help!
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Yep I felt the same and I have worked with abused women and men have tried to abuse me though I wouldn’t let them. I leave when they start that ****. Following you around, needing control over your every move and being sarcastic over everything you do is not love it’s manipulation and all are signs of the classic abusor. RUN! Prayers for your safety things usually only will get progressiving worse.
 
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