End of relationship

[hawkeye]

The devil makes work for idle hands to do, find another occupation…a suggestion would be prayer, and when you get bored with that, pray some more.

 

[Provbrs17v27]

Thank you all for your replies i realized that no one knows what is going to happen, or what should happen but the most important thing is to place it in God’s hand and give up your pain to him. At least thats what i’m trying to do its really hard to say i have no control over this any more (or ever had control) and as a matter of fact the reason i’m in this mess is because i thought i could control it i should have been a better man and not lied. they say the truth will set you free at least if i had told the truth and it didn’t work out i could say i did all that i could.

 

[former_Catholic]

You’re exaggerating. There are plenty of counterexamples in marriages that survive infidelity, which is a significantly worse lie than lying about having looked at porn.

The woman clearly notified him of her boundary: she does NOT want a man who is into porn.
It does not matter in the least what anybody else might think about her personal boundary. It doesn’t matter if anybody else’s personal boundaries don’t match hers. She is entitled to have personal boundaries and she is entitled to demand that her personal boundaries be respected.
For all anybody knows, she may have been sexually abused as a child by someone who just loved watching pornography while he was abusing her. In any case, her personal boundary is her personal boundary and she does NOT want a man who is into porn, period.

Perhaps your own personal boundary is that you don’t want a partner who is into smoking, drinking, gambling, gangs, guns, sex with other women or men, meth, or whatever.
Oh but he loves you oh so much and he is trying to break that habit you despise…and he’s no addict!
Oh really?
“You’ve been (smoking, drinking, gambling, meth….etc.) again haven’t you?”
“I have not!”
“Ok, I will trust you, love you, believe you.”

But the writing on the wall eventually returns, and so it’s round 2 when she reads it:
“I think you’ve been (smoking, drinking, gambling, meth, etc.) again, why can’t you just be straight with me?”
“Ok, well, to be perfectly honest, I haven’t been straight with you. It’s also your fault that I haven’t been straight with you, by the way, because you just couldn’t bring yourself to explain to me why it is that you hate (smoking, drinking, gambling, meth, etc) so much when I think it’s bad, but it’s not all that big a deal……
but I’m no addict….
I just feel the need to lie to you because I feel the need to manipulate and control you by lying to you…. because otherwise you might reject me if you knew the truth about me… and so it’s vital that I control you so that you won’t reject me.”

“Amazing” women (and men) don’t stick around to play this kids’ game.

 

[flyingfish]

The woman clearly notified him of her boundary: she does NOT want a man who is into porn.
It does not matter in the least what anybody else might think about her personal boundary. It doesn’t matter if anybody else’s personal boundaries don’t match hers. She is entitled to have personal boundaries and she is entitled to demand that her personal boundaries be respected.

I’m not saying there is anything wrong with her boundary. I’m saying that relationships can recover from things like this and things worse than this.

 

[LindaSK]

Thank you all for your replies i realized that no one knows what is going to happen, or what should happen but the most important thing is to place it in God’s hand and give up your pain to him. At least thats what i’m trying to do its really hard to say **i have no control over this **any more (or ever had control) and as a matter of fact the reason i’m in this mess is because i thought i could control it i should have been a better man and not lied. they say the truth will set you free at least if i had told the truth and it didn’t work out i could say i did all that i could.

“**i have no control over this **” - actually, you are the only one who can exercise control over this. Have you not been in pain all along? Perhaps, your girlfriend has given you a gift. Perhaps she loved you enough to know that you weren’t going to overcome your addiction if she stayed with you. She gave you several chances, you gave her reason to trust you, then, you lied to cover up that you really had not changed. If I perceive this wrong, please correct me.

The ball is now in your court. Help is available only if you choose to get it.If you “place it in God’s hand”, then, do nothing yourself, you are likely to stay in the same rut you are in right now. I am reminded of the quote by Saint Augustine - “Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you.”

Maybe you can get back together, but, I would have no expectations of it. You need to be right with God before you can be right for anyone else, as do we all. That is why so many relationships fail.

You remain in my prayers.

God bless,
Linda

 

[MtnDwellar]

I’m not saying there is anything wrong with her boundary. I’m saying that relationships can recover from things like this and things worse than this.

Flyingfish is right. I knew what FF was saying.

I am going to restate: Dating is a process of exclusion. A relationship can recover, but it takes a lot of work. Dating is not supposed to require a lot of work.

 

[Provbrs17v27]

“**i have no control over this **” - actually, you are the only one who can exercise control over this. Have you not been in pain all along? Perhaps, your girlfriend has given you a gift. Perhaps she loved you enough to know that you weren’t going to overcome your addiction if she stayed with you. She gave you several chances, you gave her reason to trust you, then, you lied to cover up that you really had not changed. If I perceive this wrong, please correct me.

The ball is now in your court. Help is available only if you choose to get it.If you “place it in God’s hand”, then, do nothing yourself, you are likely to stay in the same rut you are in right now. I am reminded of the quote by Saint Augustine - “Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you.”

Maybe you can get back together, but, I would have no expectations of it. You need to be right with God before you can be right for anyone else, as do we all. That is why so many relationships fail.

You remain in my prayers.

God bless,
Linda

I agree i am the only one who can control my issue with porn. I was speaking of control with what she chooses to do with the relationship after two weeks. I have been working through the porn issues for months i understand that it involves a complete rewiring of me, a better relationship with God, and self control and if no contact with me is what it it so be it.

I have further realized that maybe i should focus on being truthful in all situations not just the ones where i wont have to face consequences. I will be taking the time she has given me(as a gift) to work on my honesty even when the consequences will be hard or painful.

I have sought help and will continue as i have said earlier. If the relationship works or not i will keep working at this as i know it will only make me a better person. As for placing it in Gods hands i was referring to my pain i know that my pain comes from porn but i need to place my trust in God with this whole issue. I know i cant get ride of this on my own i have tried the only time i have been successful for any amount of time with staying away from porn is when i turned to God but that i have to work on developing this relationship a lot more.

thanks for your prayers

 

[flyingfish]

I agree i am the only one who can control my issue with porn. I was speaking of control with what she chooses to do with the relationship after two weeks. I have been working through the porn issues for months i understand that it involves a complete rewiring of me, a better relationship with God, and self control and if no contact with me is what it it so be it.

Maybe you need to change your attitude toward porn. It sounds like you have a very defeatist approach of “I’m an addict, I need rewiring”. Addiction to porn is not like addiction to heroin, you’re not going to get seizures or hallucinations or risk dying if you suddenly stop. The psychiatric’s associating’s diagnostic manual doesn’t even recognize it as an addiction.

Having an attitude like this in my opinion sets you up for failure. If you don’t believe you can quit, giving in is all that much more likely.

Replace the visual porn with written porn for starters. That would take the “other women” out of the equation.

 

[LindaSK]

I agree i am the only one who can control my issue with porn. I was speaking of control with what she chooses to do with the relationship after two weeks. I have been working through the porn issues for months i understand that it involves a complete rewiring of me, a better relationship with God, and self control and if no contact with me is what it it so be it.

I have further realized that maybe i should focus on being truthful in all situations not just the ones where i wont have to face consequences. I will be taking the time she has given me(as a gift) to work on my honesty even when the consequences will be hard or painful.

I have sought help and will continue as i have said earlier. If the relationship works or not i will keep working at this as i know it will only make me a better person. As for placing it in Gods hands i was referring to my pain i know that my pain comes from porn but i need to place my trust in God with this whole issue. I know i cant get ride of this on my own i have tried the only time i have been successful for any amount of time with staying away from porn is when i turned to God but that i have to work on developing this relationship a lot more.

thanks for your prayers

For very different reasons, I consider myself ‘relationship-challenged’. Spiritual Direction and monthly Confession has been helpful for me. It is good to have someone who tells me what I need to hear, as opposed to what I may want to hear. We are all works in progress!
Keep up your efforts.

God bless, and you are welcome,
Linda

 

[former_Catholic]

If you analyze what exactly constitutes pornography, you will observe that pornography is essentially the story of controlling and exploiting others in an attempt to guarantee one’s own personal self-gratification at the expense of others.

Lying to one’s partner is also essentially a story of manipulating, controlling, and exploiting another in order to guarantee one’s own personal self-gratification at the expense of another.

The huge issue underlying both is neither sexuality nor relationship, but the overwhelming desire to control, not the self, but the other.

The desire to control “the other” rather than “the self” has the dreaded power to destroy every relationship one has in life, including one’s relationship with oneself.

If you observe what is universally regarded as “least sexually appealing in life” you will observe that they are all veritable icons of seeking power and control over others. Does anyone consider the Hitlers and Darth Vaders of the world to be icons of sexual appeal? Uh, well, frankly… no.

If you observe what is universally regarded as “most sexually appealing in life” you will observe that they are all veritible icons of perfecting, empowering, and controlling one’s own power over one’s own self, not others. They are the artists, atheletes, students and teachers of their particular trade who strive to perfect, empower, and control their own power and demonstrate to the world what human beings are capable of becoming.

You’ll get there.
Blessings!

 

[catharina]

I agree i am the only one who can control my issue with porn. I was speaking of control with what she chooses to do with the relationship after two weeks. I have been working through the porn issues for months i understand that it involves a complete rewiring of me, a better relationship with God, and self control and if no contact with me is what it it so be it.

I have further realized that maybe i should focus on being truthful in all situations not just the ones where i wont have to face consequences. I will be taking the time she has given me(as a gift) to work on my honesty even when the consequences will be hard or painful.

I have sought help and will continue as i have said earlier. If the relationship works or not i will keep working at this as i know it will only make me a better person. As for placing it in Gods hands i was referring to my pain i know that my pain comes from porn but i need to place my trust in God with this whole issue. I know i cant get ride of this on my own i have tried the only time i have been successful for any amount of time with staying away from porn is when i turned to God but that i have to work on developing this relationship a lot more.

thanks for your prayers

Like it or not, the young woman has made a very holy decision by telling you “Bye.”
She’s not your parent or counselor or priest. She should never has to be patient w/ this.
She needs to protect her own life, self-respect and goals.
Any time you view porn, you diminish her value. She becomes just another “body.”

As for lies, porn itself is a lie.
Forego lies.
Forego porn.
No decent young woman will want you with a porn habit in your life.

Ask yourself what interested you BEFORE porn grabbed you?
What did you used to do with your spare time?

If you imagine that all young men indulge this habit, guess what? You’re dead wrong.
She knows that - so good for her.

 

[Chiltepin]

Dating is not supposed to require a lot of work.

This. A million times this! Well put.

 

[Provbrs17v27]

Like it or not, the young woman has made a very holy decision by telling you “Bye.”
She’s not your parent or counselor or priest. She should never has to be patient w/ this.
She needs to protect her own life, self-respect and goals.
Any time you view porn, you diminish her value. She becomes just another “body.”

As for lies, porn itself is a lie.
Forego lies.
Forego porn.
No decent young woman will want you with a porn habit in your life.

Ask yourself what interested you BEFORE porn grabbed you?
What did you used to do with your spare time?

If you imagine that all young men indulge this habit, guess what? You’re dead wrong.
She knows that - so good for her.

i never said that all young men indulge in this habit what i said was

“I’ve heard of and know a few men who don’t look at porn, However, i know of absolutely no one my age who doesn’t, or isn’t sleeping with 10 women a month. i am not using that as an excuse for me if i was i wouldn’t have written the first post bc it would have ended along time ago”

People CAN wait for others who struggle there is so much more to individuals than just their negative aspects. if everyone always waited for the other to work through their issues would anyone be together? stats show that 70% of men look at porn that 70% is giant. and well whats to say the other 30% dont have something going on in their life that is a struggle. HELL i know priests who have or currently struggle with issues surrounding this, it never goes away its hard wired in MAN to be attracted to women but its how we feed this or dwell on it that makes it negative. NO ONE is perfect all that can be asked for is that we each continue to strive our best and rely on God to make it through each day.

now just because I DON’T KNOW OF ANYONE MY AGE doesn’t mean there isn’t. People here assume so much. It’s almost as if someone struggles with something in their life that others dont like people here assume they are a bad person. especially when they admit to the problem and are seeking or have sought help and say they are going to work on it. not eveyone is the same but people here are painted in black and white there is no yellow or brown or ect… here.

im so glad that this woman didnt write me off and encouraged me in my struggles as so many here would have I encouraged her in her struggles. No one is perfect and she had her daily struggles as well if we were to stand by your statements i would have never even dated her and given her a chance as she was not even going to church at the time. however i know people can change encouraged her to go and she has encouraged me in my daily struggles.

if i hadn’t given her a chance she would have never changed my life.

 

[Provbrs17v27]

This. A million times this! Well put.

dating isn’t a lot of work but every relationship is the grass is always greener where you water it.

 

[catharina]

i never said that all young men indulge in this habit what i said was

“I’ve heard of and know a few men who don’t look at porn, However, i know of absolutely no one my age who doesn’t, or isn’t sleeping with 10 women a month. i am not using that as an excuse for me if i was i wouldn’t have written the first post bc it would have ended along time ago”

People CAN wait for others who struggle there is so much more to individuals than just their negative aspects. if everyone always waited for the other to work through their issues would anyone be together? stats show that 70% of men look at porn that 70% is giant. and well whats to say the other 30% dont have something going on in their life that is a struggle. HELL i know priests who have or currently struggle with issues surrounding this, it never goes away its hard wired in MAN to be attracted to women but its how we feed this or dwell on it that makes it negative. NO ONE is perfect all that can be asked for is that we each continue to strive our best and rely on God to make it through each day.

now just because I DON’T KNOW OF ANYONE MY AGE doesn’t mean there isn’t. People here assume so much. It’s almost as if someone struggles with something in their life that others dont like people here assume they are a bad person. especially when they admit to the problem and are seeking or have sought help and say they are going to work on it. not eveyone is the same but people here are painted in black and white there is no yellow or brown or ect… here.

Again, I must admire a woman who has the self-respect to tell you “bye.”
There is no reason on earth why she should “wait” for a bf to drop the habit.
There are plenty of guys who don’t HAVE the habit.

The habit of viewing porn insures an immaturity in male-female relationships you have.
It guarantees disrepect for all women. Good for her for walking away.
Add your repeated lying as another issue and she had no other choice.

Seeing the seriousness of your obstacles, she’s done you a favor.

 

[mjs1987]

She didnt turn you down because of your porn use. She turned you down either because you werent attractive enough, werent man enough overall, or you didnt have enough money. Women put up with a lot of stuff from men if they have these three qualities or one of them in abundance. Ive seen women stay with men that abuse them because the sex is too good to give up. Ive seen fat women become thin and leave their less attractive husband to trade up for someone more attractive. Your porn use didnt have much to do with it. Women dont care about porn. Its just something they say they dont like but complain about simply for the sake of complaining. Women do not like men to tell them about their porn use because it makes them look like perverts and when they keep telling the women she feels like she is the man in the relationship. The man’s job is to only tell the women what she NEEDS to know. A man is there is help the women get through her emotional drama by being strong. If a man needs help with a problem he needs to go to another man because women arent equipped to help men. They have enough drama of their own. They want a man that calm and steady. If you have enough money or looks, they will overlook that but they wont give you love. They will just use you. In lieu of money or looks, you need to man up. Women EXPECT you to watch porn. Your job is to make them feel as if you dont care as much about the women in the porn. If a woman asks if you watch it give as brief an answer as you can and move on. If she complains, ignore it. She wants you to ignore her complaints. It makes her feel as if the problem is under control and gives her a project to work on. She may nag you but you only say the bare minimum and be done with it. She may complain but she will respect and love you.

DISCLAIMER: Do not watch porn if you can avoid it. Simply, do not share your struggle with a woman. They wont respect you for it and it will make them mad. Be a man and try to deal with women as little as you can. God made women the way they are for a reason. I do not understand that reason but God does. He created them to be drama queens and complainers so consider it God’s way of telling you that he is in charge of everything.

 

[catharina]

She didnt turn you down because of your porn use. She turned you down either because you werent attractive enough, werent man enough overall, or you didnt have enough money. Women put up with a lot of stuff from men if they have these three qualities or one of them in abundance. Ive seen women stay with men that abuse them because the sex is too good to give up. Ive seen fat women become thin and leave their less attractive husband to trade up for someone more attractive. Your porn use didnt have much to do with it. Women dont care about porn. Its just something they say they dont like but complain about simply for the sake of complaining. Women do not like men to tell them about their porn use because it makes them look like perverts and when they keep telling the women she feels like she is the man in the relationship. The man’s job is to only tell the women what she NEEDS to know. A man is there is help the women get through her emotional drama by being strong. If a man needs help with a problem he needs to go to another man because women arent equipped to help men. They have enough drama of their own. They want a man that calm and steady. If you have enough money or looks, they will overlook that but they wont give you love. They will just use you. In lieu of money or looks, you need to man up. Women EXPECT you to watch porn. Your job is to make them feel as if you dont care as much about the women in the porn. If a woman asks if you watch it give as brief an answer as you can and move on. If she complains, ignore it. She wants you to ignore her complaints. It makes her feel as if the problem is under control and gives her a project to work on. She may nag you but you only say the bare minimum and be done with it. She may complain but she will respect and love you.

DISCLAIMER: Do not watch porn if you can avoid it. Simply, do not share your struggle with a woman. They wont respect you for it and it will make them mad. Be a man and try to deal with women as little as you can. God made women the way they are for a reason. I do not understand that reason but God does. He created them to be drama queens and complainers so consider it God’s way of telling you that he is in charge of everything.

Wow. Don’t care much for the integrity of women, do you?
Scanned your previous posts via your Profile.

Lifted this from one of your previous posts:

“A good book for women to read is The Privilege of Being a Woman by Alice von Hildebrand. Her husband Dietrich von Hildebrand wrote a good book- Marriage: The Mystery of Faithful Love.”

You think you are representing the views of the von Hildebrands re women?

Also notice that you had an Opus Dei education.
Did that contribute to your profound (and strange) disrespect for women?

How do you justify the holiness of our Blessed Mother?
You figure she was a fluke of nature?
Or as she was, the perfect woman?

Think she would feel terrific about porn?
Think she would EVER support your hideous view of women???

 

[JerrySeibert]

It seems you both have a problem. “It’s her turn to share.” and she does not. So what does she have that she is embarrased of sharing?

 

[LindaSK]

She didnt turn you down because of your porn use. She turned you down either because you werent attractive enough, werent man enough overall, or you didnt have enough money. Women put up with a lot of stuff from men if they have these three qualities or one of them in abundance. Ive seen women stay with men that abuse them because the sex is too good to give up. Ive seen fat women become thin and leave their less attractive husband to trade up for someone more attractive. Your porn use didnt have much to do with it. Women dont care about porn. Its just something they say they dont like but complain about simply for the sake of complaining. Women do not like men to tell them about their porn use because it makes them look like perverts and when they keep telling the women she feels like she is the man in the relationship. The man’s job is to only tell the women what she NEEDS to know. A man is there is help the women get through her emotional drama by being strong. If a man needs help with a problem he needs to go to another man because women arent equipped to help men. They have enough drama of their own. They want a man that calm and steady. If you have enough money or looks, they will overlook that but they wont give you love. They will just use you. In lieu of money or looks, you need to man up. Women EXPECT you to watch porn. Your job is to make them feel as if you dont care as much about the women in the porn. If a woman asks if you watch it give as brief an answer as you can and move on. If she complains, ignore it. She wants you to ignore her complaints. It makes her feel as if the problem is under control and gives her a project to work on. She may nag you but you only say the bare minimum and be done with it. She may complain but she will respect and love you.

DISCLAIMER: Do not watch porn if you can avoid it. Simply, do not share your struggle with a woman. They wont respect you for it and it will make them mad. Be a man and try to deal with women as little as you can. God made women the way they are for a reason. I do not understand that reason but God does. He created them to be drama queens and complainers so consider it God’s way of telling you that he is in charge of everything.

I will keep you in my prayers. I pray that you are not married or in a relationship. And, on the odd chance that you are, I especially pray for that woman.

 

[bmaj]

She didnt turn you down because of your porn use. She turned you down either because you werent attractive enough, werent man enough overall, or you didnt have enough money. Women put up with a lot of stuff from men if they have these three qualities or one of them in abundance. Ive seen women stay with men that abuse them because the sex is too good to give up. Ive seen fat women become thin and leave their less attractive husband to trade up for someone more attractive. Your porn use didnt have much to do with it. Women dont care about porn. Its just something they say they dont like but complain about simply for the sake of complaining. Women do not like men to tell them about their porn use because it makes them look like perverts and when they keep telling the women she feels like she is the man in the relationship. The man’s job is to only tell the women what she NEEDS to know. A man is there is help the women get through her emotional drama by being strong. If a man needs help with a problem he needs to go to another man because women arent equipped to help men. They have enough drama of their own. They want a man that calm and steady. If you have enough money or looks, they will overlook that but they wont give you love. They will just use you. In lieu of money or looks, you need to man up. Women EXPECT you to watch porn. Your job is to make them feel as if you dont care as much about the women in the porn. If a woman asks if you watch it give as brief an answer as you can and move on. If she complains, ignore it. She wants you to ignore her complaints. It makes her feel as if the problem is under control and gives her a project to work on. She may nag you but you only say the bare minimum and be done with it. She may complain but she will respect and love you.

DISCLAIMER: Do not watch porn if you can avoid it. Simply, do not share your struggle with a woman. They wont respect you for it and it will make them mad. Be a man and try to deal with women as little as you can. God made women the way they are for a reason. I do not understand that reason but God does. He created them to be drama queens and complainers so consider it God’s way of telling you that he is in charge of everything.

That’s misguided and misinformed advice. I especially pray for any woman who has ever been or may ever be in a relationship with you, mjs. Women DO care about porn use by their boyfriends or husbands, and they DO feel EXTREMELY degraded AND BETRAYED by it. You may want to think otherwise in an attempt to condone it, but you are not correct.