Engaged and Cheated on -- what to do?

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An585

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Hi,

This is my first time using this site, but I wasn’t sure where to turn. I am in serious need of advice. I’ve been engaged now for almost one year. I found out a few weeks ago that my fiance cheated on me while he was away at training for work. He met this woman while out for dinner with some other work people. They flirted over the course of the evening, and he conveniently forgot to mention me to her. Heavy drinking took place throughout the night. Apparently there was an open bar at dinner, and after dinner his group went out to a bar. After the bar, my fiance went to this woman’s room. He claims that his intention was to continue a conversation they were having. She made a move and the situation spiraled downward from there. They didn’t have sex because my fiance was unable to physically. They did, however, do plenty of other disgusting things.

At first, my fiance told me that he had made out with someone else. Naturally my heart was broken, but I could understand how too much alcohol could lead to that decision. As time went on he began to spill more and more of the story.

I should give you more background about my fiance. He and I are both Catholic. We have struggled with chastity in the past, but our goal has always been to abstain. We have made a lot of progress over the course of our engagement. My fiance is very religious and has always struggled to forgive himself for sins, mistakes, etc. He’s very hard on himself. He’s also very loving, and I do believe a very good person.

I think that this act was very out of character for him. I don’t think he would ever, in a sober state of mind, do something like this. I also don’t think it would ever happen again. That being said, I don’t know that I will ever be able to let it go. I want to erase it from my mind. The thoughts are more than I can take. I’m scared that I won’t be able to look at him the same.

What is the right thing to do? If I think that deep down this isn’t who he is, should I forgive him? Is this something that he doesn’t deserve to be forgiven for? Any advice would be very much appreciated. Sorry if this is very scatterbrained.
 
An585 said:
Hi,

I think that this act was very out of character for him. I don’t think he would ever,** in a sober state of mind**, do something like this. I also don’t think it would ever happen again. That being said, I don’t know that I will ever be able to let it go. I want to erase it from my mind. The thoughts are more than I can take. I’m scared that I won’t be able to look at him the same.

What is the right thing to do? If I think that deep down this isn’t who he is, should I forgive him? Is this something that he doesn’t deserve to be forgiven for? Any advice would be very much appreciated. Sorry if this is very scatterbrained.
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OK - you do not think he would do this in a sober state of mind. He could slip up in a boozed up altered state though.

Ugh - why would you want to enter a marriage with doubt on your mind already? This could possibly hinder a close and loving marital relationship. It has already destroyed trust. Each time he goes on a business outing with alcohol, you will be doubting.

Yes, you can forgive him. Does it mean you marry him? Absolutely not!
Please - for your sake, good man or not ( and men of good Christian character do not booze it up and fool around), seriously consider your future.
 
Cancel the wedding. Forgiving him does not mean tying to your life to his.

You can possibly still get married in the future, but he is not ready. He has addicitive behavior with alcohol (drinking to get drunk, impaired judgement, risky behavior) and he has demonstrated that he will, given the opportunity, be sexual with another woman. She came on to him… so what? He accepted.

He needs to get his alcohol use under control and he needs to grow up and learn how to resist temptation. I know the reason my husband has never cheated on me is not because he has never had the opportunity. He was 10,000 miles away from me for an entire year… he could have done anything and I would have had no way of knowing. But he didn’t… he acted like a man and chose to do things and be with people and in places that supported his commitment instead of undermining it.

These things don’t just “happen.” Your fiance made bad choices all night, time after time. He needs to get himself under control and learn how to stop making those bad choices before he will be ready to marry.

And, I think you might benefit from an Al-Anon meeting or two. Why are you ready to marry someone who is abusing alcohol? That is a sure way to wreck your life. You need to make healthy choices too.

Good luck, and I am sorry. I can’t imagine your pain…
 
I agree that definitely we need to talk to a priest. He actually went to confession after this happened and the priest told him not to tell me the whole story. As painful as it is to know all the details, I am relieved that he told me the whole thing. I think it’s a good thing that he couldn’t live with himself when he tried to keep it from me.

There is a part of me that thinks I should walk away from this and choose not to be with him anymore. There is also a part of me that knows he is putting himself through hell over this. While he did drink way too much that night, I know his habits and know that he’s not an alcoholic. He has already given up drinking because of this.
 
I think going to your priest for advice would be helpful…and then perhaps getting some couples therapy. Do you think your fiance would consider individual counseling? I think that would be really important. He probably has some unresolved personal issues he needs to address. I would postpone the wedding until you can see if he is really willing to do the work of addressing those underlying issues.

I’m sorry for what you are going through. It sounds extremely painful. I think now is the time to just slow down and not make any rash decisions. This does not need to be decided over night.
 
An585 said:
Hi,

This is my first time using this site, but I wasn’t sure where to turn. I am in serious need of advice. I’ve been engaged now for almost one year. I found out a few weeks ago that my fiance cheated on me while he was away at training for work. He met this woman while out for dinner with some other work people. They flirted over the course of the evening, and he conveniently forgot to mention me to her. Heavy drinking took place throughout the night. Apparently there was an open bar at dinner, and after dinner his group went out to a bar. After the bar, my fiance went to this woman’s room. He claims that his intention was to continue a conversation they were having. She made a move and the situation spiraled downward from there. They didn’t have sex because my fiance was unable to physically. They did, however, do plenty of other disgusting things.

At first, my fiance told me that he had made out with someone else. Naturally my heart was broken, but I could understand how too much alcohol could lead to that decision. As time went on he began to spill more and more of the story.

I should give you more background about my fiance. He and I are both Catholic. We have struggled with chastity in the past, but our goal has always been to abstain. We have made a lot of progress over the course of our engagement. My fiance is very religious and has always struggled to forgive himself for sins, mistakes, etc. He’s very hard on himself. He’s also very loving, and I do believe a very good person.

I think that this act was very out of character for him. I don’t think he would ever, in a sober state of mind, do something like this. I also don’t think it would ever happen again. That being said, I don’t know that I will ever be able to let it go. I want to erase it from my mind. The thoughts are more than I can take. I’m scared that I won’t be able to look at him the same.

What is the right thing to do? If I think that deep down this isn’t who he is, should I forgive him? Is this something that he doesn’t deserve to be forgiven for? Any advice would be very much appreciated. Sorry if this is very scatterbrained.
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When someone goes (sober) into a bar to drink, they know that there is the possibility of getting drunk. It’s not like we’re talking about a great mystery here. He opened himself up to temptations when he knew he would likely be drunk. I think that shows us a deeply flawed character. Our family now is watching the terrible aftermath of a relative’s lack of fidelity, and it is tearing up everyone around her. I strongly recommend that you avoid marriage with regards to people who can’t remain true to you in the engagement. I’d recommend to drop him like a hot potato. Every time he would go on a trip, you would wonder. Have you thought about that?
 
I just want to add…how could you ever let him touch you again?

I don’t mean that to be mean, but I want you to really think about it. The only reason he didn’t have sex with her was because the alcohol made him unable. He would have, and he did plenty otherwise.

So, the man who swears he loves you, and who wants to only share the special physical bond of lovemaking and sexuality with you, was able in the space of one night to get so cavalier about it that he wanted to share it with someone else and almost did. He did everything but.

Just on a personal, female level… I could never let that man touch me again. My skin would crawl. I would be thinking… he did this to her. I would never be able to trust him enough to be as vulnerable as one is during lovemaking. I don’t think I would be able to get out of my head that he was willing to defile this gift by giving it to someone else.

I just don’t understand how any woman can get past this and allow that kind of intimacy again. In marital intimacy, we give ourselves to our husbands… and if he throws that away, isn’t it unwise to give again? Never mind the risk of disease, I am talking about self-respect and emotional and spiritual health.

And, he may not be an alcoholic, but demonstrated addictive behaviors. He could be on the road.
 
I don’t mean any offence at all and I could be very wrong, but are you sure you are the bride and not the groom? The very same situation was posted on Catholic Answers Forum from the grooms perspective awhile back…

Just sounds to me like you are the same person just looking for responses from the brides perspective.

I am very sorry if I have this wrong… it just sounds too much like a coincidence of a story. And if it is the same story, strange coincidence that both bride and groom post on CAF…🤷
 
Someone else said that they thought my fiance had posted on here. He told me that he sought advice from here, so now that I am in need of advice I thought I would try it. I can assure you that I am not the groom.
 
Ok fair enough. I DO feel for you and your situation and I just wanted people to understand the whole situation before they post their advice. I can’t find the thread with the same story anymore…

Praying for you both.
 
i was once engaged to a man who did such a thing. i ended it. it was a hard thing to do, especially because my engagement shower was a month away and we had to call everyone to cancel it.
after a couple of years, God put another man into my life and every night before i fall asleep with the man i did marry, i thank God for him.
Leaving is hard, but the rewards are plentiful down the road.
 
Perhaps a little context would help us evaluate your situation better…How old are you, your fiance? Have you both dated other people? How long engaged? How long acquainted? Do you know his friends, co-workers, famly well? Is this type of behaviour out of line for the people with whom he associates?
 
Welcome. I remember the posts on the other side of this question.

Should you forgive him? Of course you should. We are called to forgive each other over and over. Forgiveness is not a feeling, though. It’s a conscious decision. Your feelings of being shellshocked, hurt and angry are normal ones and do not indicate that you have not forgiven him. Forgiveness has to do with vengance. You have not written that you want to hurt him in return or that you want to plaster his picture on a billboard with “CHEATER” in five foot high letters, so I think you’re probably safe in that regard. That is something that you should discuss with a priest, though.

Should you stay with him? That is a separate question. I couldn’t marry a man who would do that to me, whatever his reasons. I just wouldn’t be able to trust him again. If you think that your relationship can be saved then I implore you to seek counselling with him. This is a hard thing to take on at the beginning of a marriage. You need to be sure that you can both put it behind you.
 
I didn’t read the other side of the story. There are enough details here for me to know that I’d mourn the future I thought we could have together as I sent him packing!

This doesn’t sound like someone mature enough to lead a household to God, so he isn’t marriage material. Thank God you found out now before the wedding! It would be so much harder on you after.
 
Island_Oak said:
Perhaps a little context would help us evaluate your situation better…How old are you, your fiance? Have you both dated other people? How long engaged? How long acquainted? Do you know his friends, co-workers, famly well? Is this type of behaviour out of line for the people with whom he associates?
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I am 22 and my fiance is 23. We’ve both dated other people. We’ve been engaged for almost 1 year. We’ve known each other for 3 years. I know his friends and family well. All would be (and those who know about are) shocked by this. No one would think of him as the type of guy to do something like this. Even my parents felt that this was very out of character for him. It’s very out of line for the people who know him.
 
Hello,

Yes, a lot of people here have some good things to say, and I think it is commendable that both of you are trying to seek advice from others who share your faith. That being said, I think it is hard to decide whether or not to stay with your fiance because the majority on the board say you should not. I think because we do not know you both personally, we make assumptions of both of your personalities/character.

I agree with an earlier poster who asked a lot of questions: how old you were, how long you’ve been together and then how long engaged, is this kind of behavoir really really out of the ordinary from your fiance? These are questions that could really factor into your decision (you don’t necessarily need to answer on the board, but these are things that could point you toward your answer.)

So what I would suggest is first you need to ask yourself, deep in your heart, do you love him? Do you WANT this to work out? How hard are you willing to work to work this out? I think maybe some time apart for discernment may be an option (not too long…maybe 2-3 weeks). Then if you both come to the conclusion that you love each other so much that you want to be ONLY with each other, you can begin working toward building that trust again together. Counseling with a priest, a catholic councelor, and retreats can really really help you both come together and find a way to move past this (if you BOTH decide you WANT to continue moving forward with a future together).

I think at this point, regardless, you should postpone the wedding date (depending how close it is). You need time to discern what God and your heart tells you. Time to heal. Time to give him a chance to earn your trust back. If you decide this is impossible and you think there are bigger issues here, you should part ways.

But know that many people will be praying for you (not just people on this board, I’m sure family and friends are praying for you!)
 
Sorry, I posted this just after you answered the questions about your age and length of your relationship 😉 Hope some of what I said still helps!!
 
Almost all people who have affairs are good people. Almost all their family and friends would be shocked to know. Not him! Not her! No way! Even the errant party is surprised and says, “I don’t know what happened! I didn’t mean for it to!”

He didn’t have the presence of mind to guard himself or to cherish you. You deserve better.
 
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