Engaged and discovered porn

[funnyyetsavvy]

Hi friends,

My friend from work (I’ve written about her before) came to me today unsure what to do. She is engaged, the rings are on layaway, and you may recall this is the guy who kind of won’t let her see his computer due to his sensitive work.

Wellll, you know whats coming I imagine.

She walked in quickly as he was booting up and sure enough her fears were realized. He had a porn site up. He tried to distract her by kissing her, and she pretended not to notice so he doesn’t know that she knows.

Their relationship began with a lot of physicality but for the past few months he’s told her he doesn’t want ANY physical involvement due to his Catholic beliefs about behaving themselves prior to marriage.She’s not Catholic… So from a sexual relationship to a non sexual relationship to this…

She doesn’t know what to do…so I told her I didn’t know either…he just put her ring on layaway two weeks ago, so this is very important…

What would YOU do?

Confront? Leave? Cry? Ignore? Get Mad?

 

[KCtheMommy]

Uhm, well, we could say all we want to, but you know your friend and you know she’ll do what she wants to do – or wait for your opinion (highly UNLIKELY) – on that note:

So if she is willing to go into a marriage with someone who she KNOWS is obviously lying to her: then she is a fool.

That’s that.

It’s not even simply the porn (albeit it’s a big one) but the deceit.

Bad way to start a marriage, because it’ll never work.

 

[funnyyetsavvy]

Well, you’re right, it would be starting on a bad foot…but she’s trying to decide what to do…how to approach this…

I mean, she’s wondering if she should tell him she knows or just end it and move on? I don’t know…

 

[kage_ar]

Would I date someone who lies to me, nope.

Would I date someone who has a porn habit, nope.

She should tell him - “I do not date liars. I do not date people with porn habits. Seems you do both. Bye Bye”.

Then, go find a man of integrity.

 

[KCtheMommy]

Would I date someone who lies to me, nope.

Would I date someone who has a porn habit, nope.

She should tell him - “I do not date liars. I do not date people with porn habits. Seems you do both. Bye Bye”.

Then, go find a man of integrity.

Basically what I said but Kage said it better .

Confrontation of this sort of thing is only serving the purpose of allowing – no WAIT – INVITING someone to lie to her further.

If she continues the relationship/marriage and it falls apart in a couple years, you are welcome to say “told you so.” That is if you tell her so.

Hope you link her to the thread.

 

[KathyP]

Good thing she found this out now rather than after the wedding! Certainly not something to ignore, and would definitely cause problems down the road.

 

[averheyen]

Ok, well I’m sure she loves him either way. Perhaps you could deal with the issue at it’s core.

First off, you say that they had a “physical” relationship, but backed off because he’s a catholic, and they want to get married.

Could this have something to do with the temptation toward pornography?

Second, he lied about it and was sneaky. Maybe he was just really embarassed, or he knew it would upset her, or he was doing something that he knew was inherently wrong, but felt good so he did it anyway.

Whatever the case, my recomendation, if she really loves this man, and thinks he is someone special, is help get him out to a frequent confession with his parish priest on the subject.

As a matter of fact, she NEEDS to do this if she wants things to work out. Poronography destroyes relationships, and sins of the flesh are some of the hardest to uproot.

Get her to get him to attend a frequent confession until the habit is kicked completely.

 

[1ke]

This relationship has:

different religions
different values
different expectations
secrecy
lieing
porn
“distracting” behavior when caught
“avoiding” behavior on her part when she caught him

And, that’s just the things you’ve told us. None of these things adds up to maturity, itegrity, and readiness for marriage.

The ring being on “lay-a-way” is completely irrelevant.

What does she want more-- a ring or a man of integrity?

 

[funnyyetsavvy]

My reason for mentioning the rings was to show how far along the relationship was, that’s all

 

[shannyk]

Would I date someone who lies to me, nope.

Would I date someone who has a porn habit, nope.

She should tell him - “I do not date liars. I do not date people with porn habits. Seems you do both. Bye Bye”.

Then, go find a man of integrity.

:yup:

I’ve BTDT, not engaged, but it was a deal breaker. Immediately. Lying is corrupting to a relationship, not to mention the porn.

C YA! :takeoff:

 

[funnyyetsavvy]

It’s just so weird to think that this man expresses such a deep desire to have children of his own, (she has a daughter, 5), and they spend a lot of evenings at his home, and here he is sitting at the computer looking at porn…and hiding it by having games pulled up over it…

and yet, he would tell this woman he wants to have a child with that he stopped their physical relationship (they were not going all-the-way, but it was close, she tells me) because of his faith.

Makes no sense to me…and it’s very tragic for her.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

I am sure he DOES want to have another child. I am sure he DOES want to marry her.

He obviously also wants his porn.

She has to put the skids on this NOW and deal with it, one way or the other. If she doesn’t, and marries him any way, well, she has no one to blame but herself.

It is interesting to note, however, that there are those who believe Society’s defense that porn among men is normal. He will also put the blame on her for it, I guarantee. At that point, it’d be best to tell him fish or cut bait.

There are psychologists, counselors, therapists and organizations that can assist with his porn choice. I wouldn’t marry him until I was sure it was totally gone.

 

[ljprevo]

Ok, normally I would take the conservative ground and be, nope, don’t continue,

However you people are being a tad BRUTAL here!

What the same hell!!

My advice would be yes, think twice, and even postpone any wedding plans and clear up the CORE first.

We are ALL sinners, I bet even ones that told her to run for the hills have been involved in sin, possibly even sexual sins. Is that grounds to turn your back on someone? Absolutely not!!!

Trust is always tested between people, even married couples, and yes I do agree that this is not good and has started on the wrong foot, but to just throw away the person because they are not “PERFECT” is not the final answer.

I would honestly say put the marriage plans on hold, ring in layaway or not, maybe even returning the ring now, other rings can be bought later.

I honestly would suggest she not run away, but yes put the rings back and start at square one with each other.

However, I do agree the relationship is tarnished, but if there is true love and commitment between the two, they can work through this, forgive and possibly get married some day, if not, time will tell.

If she loves him, she will do what she can to help him, however he needs to take steps to help himself. I think counselling or speaking with a priest together.

 

[whatevergirl]

I agree with others…dating someone who is already staring things off on a bad foot …is only going to lead to heartache in a marriage. She isn’t married yet…the same ‘rules’ don’t apply when one is not married. There is no divorce to be had, children’s hearts to be broken (most of the time) when a relationship dissolves…like it would in a marriage. God doesn’t frown on breakups…it’s divorce He desires to lessen.

I also think he is a pretend Catholic. On the one hand, he is telling her that they shouldn’t have sex…but from the looks of it, it sounds like it has to do with his other activity he has found to occupy his time. Nothing to do with being Catholic.

If she wants to marry someone like this, then that’s her choice, but I would probably call it off. I believe strongly in forgiveness, but he isn’t asking for it. lol Sounds like he is interested in making her believe he is this great Catholic guy, meanwhile, he isn’t. We all have flaws, but hiding our true selves before marriage is a bad way to start a life together. There are so many good quality men out there in the world…why do women settle for liars and fakes, continuously sweeping their own feelings under the carpet, making excuses for these men? Women tend to settle for mediocre or bad treatment in relationships, more so than men, in my experience of observing relationships.

I’ll keep her in my prayers.

 

[mom2boyz]

This woman has a 5 y/o daughter. I would be concerned that this man’s porn habit might lead him to do something to this girl. Not at age 5, but maybe when she is much older. This woman needs to protect this young child.

Looking at all that you have said about this woman, it appears she may have a tendancy to make poor choices. She may need some help to figure out why she does this.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

I agree with others…dating someone who is already staring things off on a bad foot …is only going to lead to heartache in a marriage. She isn’t married yet…the same ‘rules’ don’t apply when one is not married. There is no divorce to be had, children’s hearts to be broken (most of the time) when a relationship dissolves…like it would in a marriage. God doesn’t frown on breakups…it’s divorce He desires to lessen.

 

[kevinsgirl]

I believe strongly in forgiveness, but he isn’t asking for it. lol Sounds like he is interested in making her believe he is this great Catholic guy, meanwhile, he isn’t. We all have flaws, but hiding our true selves before marriage is a bad way to start a life together.

The porn should be a dealbreaker if it doesn’t stop. But the lying and deceit are much worse, imo. I would be concerned that there is even more that this man is hiding than we know (and what we do know definitely isn’t encouraging). You said this friend has a daughter–in that case she needs to be even more careful about this man. She’s not just looking for a husband–she should be looking for a man who will be a good dad to her daughter.

I’m not saying that this relationship couldn’t work with help. But as it stands an engagement under those circumstances is not prudent. Your friend needs to address the behavior she has observed. If the bf fesses up and agrees to help (counseling, openness, becoming more active in his faith, internet filters) then there is hope for the relationship. If he denies that there ever was porn…your friend should run.

 

[whatevergirl]

The porn should be a dealbreaker if it doesn’t stop. But the lying and deceit are much worse, imo. I would be concerned that there is even more that this man is hiding than we know (and what we do know definitely isn’t encouraging). You said this friend has a daughter–in that case she needs to be even more careful about this man. She’s not just looking for a husband–she should be looking for a man who will be a good dad to her daughter.

I’m not saying that this relationship couldn’t work with help. But as it stands an engagement under those circumstances is not prudent. Your friend needs to address the behavior she has observed. If the bf fesses up and agrees to help (counseling, openness, becoming more active in his faith, internet filters) then there is hope for the relationship. If he denies that there ever was porn…your friend should run.

I agree…not saying it could never ever work again…but, there are so many issues here, under the surface. I agree.

He is:

1. trying to make his fiancee think he is a good Catholic, and he isn’t
2. telling her they shouldn’t have sex, but is viewing porn
3. misleading her to think that he respects her–BIG ONE
4. hides things

All in all…porn is just the symptom here of a much larger issue. Again, there are tons of upstanding, good quality Catholic men out there, and I don’t see the point in spending time and energy on a relationship, that has so many red flags. If this was “just” a porn issue, or one issue was present–I think couples can work through one or two issues. But, the overlap of lying, hiding things, porn, pretending to be religious, etc…it just isn’t looking promising to me. Again…women out there-DO NOT SETTLE.

 

[whatevergirl]

One thing I wanted to add…

Sometimes, people think that breaking up with someone is being unforgiving, or something. In some ways, leaving the relationship, could be the best thing that happens here–to help him to become a better person. To wake up to his issues. To bring about change.

But, staying in a bad relationship in order to help someone improve, is not healthy, nor is it being forgiving. If someone wishes to, that’s one thing–if this were a marriage, my advice would be way different. (depending on the situation) I’m not one that would say…husband is viewing porn? get outta there. lol Not at all.

The issues that this guy has to come to terms with and change, will take a while. One or two trips to counseling, isn’t going to cure him of lying, and pretending to be a good Catholic. He might not even see porn as detrimental to his faith, which is another can of worms, if that’s possible.

So, just wanted to throw that out there. Many people think that breaking up with someone when they discover major character flaws, and problems and betrayals…that somehow, that’s being unforgiving. It isn’t. You don’t have to marry into someone’s problems…and getting married is not a remedy for the problems that seem to exist here. Getting married is never an answer to problems. The problems just roll over into the marriage

It would be good if the guy in question here, gets helps, sees his flaws, and tries to change. But, I would probably let the relationship go. I have let many bad relationships go…thankfully, I did…I found my hubby.

 

[PaulinVA]

Okay, ladies, I just have to butt in here.

The concept that one who is battling (either actively or passively) a habitual sin is less holy than you are is just not true.

You can read here on CAF constantly and ad naseum about both men and women who are battling this particular sin. Are you saying that no one should have a relationship with any of these people? None of these people are redeemable?

Why not counsel the friend to talk to her fiance about this before she makes a decision?