Engaged and discovered porn

[funnyyetsavvy]

She is still pondering how to tell him she knows. She’s pretty sure he’ll try to say that it was an accident, that it only happened that one time…etc…but she knows better.

He is manic about keeping his computer screensaver activated (password controlled) whenever he walks away.

She knows he will deny it, and she suspects he will try to turn it around to be her fault somehow…I told her there are websites that might help her deal with this and that she could refer him to for help, but how would she ever know if he was trying to fix this problem or not? Of course, he might ‘come clean’…and that would be encouraging…

 

[coolduude]

By the tone of this discussion, it sounds as if the relationship should be broken off.
There is a way to fix this.
I suggest buying “Pure of Heart:Breaking free from porn” by Catholic answers.
This should help the couple mend their relationship.

 

[dakotagirl]

Become unengaged and single rather quickly. Is this even a question? Oh my WORD. The s*** that we women let men get away with! If we didn’t stand for this, then there would be more men that we can, you know, actually respect.

 

[igator99]

Porn addiction is a tough one for men but I have yet to see the power of God not be able to help someone over come this. Is he willing to change his way? Perhaps conquering this sin together on the road to restoring his faith might help their marriage.

 

[de_profundis]

Ok here’s my 2 cents…

There is a fairly big issue here in that she is not Catholic (EDIT: oops, I just realised she is in RCIA), so the usual grounds of open discussion between the couple, a session with a spiritual director together, and then measured steps to help him deal with his problem is not such an easy option. Perhaps a secular route could be had with a psychologist or something that they both feel comfortable with (not what I would do as a Catholic, but it sure beats sweeping things under the rug).

HOWEVER, that said, I think a lot of people in this thread should be careful about building idols out of their spouses or future spouses. The word ‘integrity’ got thrown around a bit. Nobody should put such faith in their spouse being an immaculate conception, as they will only dissappoint you, they’re not God after all. There is a lot of room for charity and compassion in this case, and most of the responses in this thread seem to ignore this.

When a person get married, and then something like this pops up down the track, what should they do, just get rid of their sinful spouse?! The real beauty in a Christian marriage is being able to love someone for who they are, with a love that only Jesus Christ can provide, a love that transforms the other. Not a limited love that ‘disconnects’ at the first sign of rough seas (divorce).

Sorry, that’s my opinion.

 

[tilly1]

I know this wont be popular here but I think

men look at porn

They just do and they shouldnt be made ashamed of it

UNLESS

they look at porn 20 out of 24
they spend money on it
they ruin their lives over it
then they need help

I am not making excuses for anything I hate porn as much as anyone but reality is just reality

if your person is true to you and loves you with all his.her heart you are blessed and so is the other person

I dont know now just blabbing-i just dont see it being a big deal if it doesnt become an addiction i dont know…

 

[Sheeniac]

He is manic about keeping his computer screensaver activated (password controlled) whenever he walks away.

My ex husband started doing that. Moreso than the porn, that is a signal of a HUGE problem. There’s no reason for that (password protection) in the home. Now, if it were me, I would insist that it was disabled effective immediately. Using the porn to lead into it, I would tell him that my trust was damaged, and that the use of password protection made it so that the damage was increasing.

If she is firm on this, and he balks, then that is a HUGE red flag. Been there, done that.

 

[muffinmojo]

I know this wont be popular here but I think

men look at porn

They just do and they shouldnt be made ashamed of it

UNLESS

they look at porn 20 out of 24
they spend money on it
they ruin their lives over it
then they need help

I am not making excuses for anything I hate porn as much as anyone but reality is just reality

if your person is true to you and loves you with all his.her heart you are blessed and so is the other person

I dont know now just blabbing-i just dont see it being a big deal if it doesnt become an addiction i dont know…

I don’t.

Men don’t have to. Society makes them think it is normal by using the excuse that ‘men are just like that’. Perhaps it is common, but it is not healthy or good. If something is truly bad, as you seem to admit, then accepting it is even worse. Men need to be held to a standard as well. We are capable of self-control, and it should be encouraged.

 

[funnyyetsavvy]

She is very low at this point…pretty depressed.

She still hasn’t told him she knows.

And she still doesn’t know what to do…how to approach it.

 

[KCtheMommy]

She is very low at this point…pretty depressed.

She still hasn’t told him she knows.

And she still doesn’t know what to do…how to approach it.

Seriously – why is this your business anymore?

Give it up. She’ll do what she wants.

Good on ya for getting four pages out of it though. Too bad all of our (name removed by moderator)ut is USELESS.

I love how you keep it going by adding to the story though…

 

[KingAlfred]

Hi friends,

My friend from work (I’ve written about her before) came to me today unsure what to do. She is engaged, the rings are on layaway, and you may recall this is the guy who kind of won’t let her see his computer due to his sensitive work.

Wellll, you know whats coming I imagine.

She walked in quickly as he was booting up and sure enough her fears were realized. He had a porn site up. He tried to distract her by kissing her, and she pretended not to notice so he doesn’t know that she knows.

Their relationship began with a lot of physicality but for the past few months he’s told her he doesn’t want ANY physical involvement due to his Catholic beliefs about behaving themselves prior to marriage.She’s not Catholic… So from a sexual relationship to a non sexual relationship to this…

She doesn’t know what to do…so I told her I didn’t know either…he just put her ring on layaway two weeks ago, so this is very important…

What would YOU do?

Confront? Leave? Cry? Ignore? Get Mad?

It’s hard for us to accept the fact that Man is not biologically designed to be monogamous. Our struggle against lust and its perilous consequences is life-long, and universal. We’re obligated to fight it, and triumph over it through self-discipline and the grace of God. Nonetheless, it will always be a battle, at some level in our consciousness. Knowing that, we should be more forgiving toward one another, and ourselves. Lust is a sad fact of life.

 

[darthsmozers]

Confession once a year?

Big huge red flashing honking warning light.

(As if there needs to be another)…

I am sorry, but that is NOT a red warning light, especially for someone who may be trying too grow in faith (which could be the case.)

 

[kage_ar]

It’s hard for us to accept the fact that Man is not biologically designed to be monogamous. Our struggle against lust and its perilous consequences is life-long, and universal. We’re obligated to fight it, and triumph over it through self-discipline and the grace of God. Nonetheless, it will always be a battle, at some level in our consciousness. Knowing that, we should be more forgiving toward one another, and ourselves. Lust is a sad fact of life.

Man was biologically designed by God. God created man IN HIS OWN IMAGE.

The struggle against lust is thanks to original sin, NOT any design flaw. ***Concupiscence is a sad fact of life. ***

Porn is a habitual sin. God provides the grace for us to overcome sin.

 

[kage_ar]

She is very low at this point…pretty depressed.

She still hasn’t told him she knows.

And she still doesn’t know what to do…how to approach it.

She DOES know what to do, she does not want to do it.

(As Dr. Laura would say…)

 

[kage_ar]

I am sorry, but that is NOT a red warning light, especially for someone who may be trying too grow in faith (which could be the case.)

Someone who is trying to “grow in faith” would avoid confession? That does not make sense…

Someone who desires to grow in faith seeks to be holy through frequent celebration of the Sacraments.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Ok without taking this out of proportion, any relationship can start out in the right foot and end up in the wrong foot, just like many can start in the wrong foot and end up in the right…

As noted before, porn is an addicting “disease” it is corrupting and something that is hard to fight against…My exhusband would put on port and because I didn’t care for it nor bothered me I never said anything…but I didn’t know porn was a sin, just like I didn’t know masturbation was either…If I would have known all of this obviously I would have spoken with my now exhusband then husband and tried to help him with his addiction…

My fiance used to watch porn when he was a young teen, on a daily basis!! And when he was 16 and promiscuous he had a rude awakening and decided to just stick with his porn instead of trying to live his fantasies with the women in his life…I understand he wasn’t raised with strong Catholic values, most of us really aren’t except for whatever we are taught through our pries on weekends and several classes. Until we decide as we mature to actually get better informed…then things turn around for us and it’s like OH!!!

After my fiance met me, he swore off porn, completely and I believe him. He told me he now understands, and that he can’t believe he actually looked at those things…If I ever “catch” him I will not pretend I don’t know, on the contrary, I will ask, maybe scream, but I will talk to him about it. I love him and understand there are certain needs, etc, but I will try to help him out. We can make things work. But lying is not good! And once the trust is destroyed and gone it’s really hard to bring it back…

I think your friend needs to talk to him openly, hiding nothing, leaving nothing out! It’s the best thing your friend can do. And find out from there if it will be worth it to work things out. The only one that can make that decision is her.

We are all sinners no matter what we try and do, I mean sometimes even priests sin, they will accidentally cuss out something…unwillingly, like if they get hurt a big **** might come out again accidentally! And it’s ok, because things happen and people make mistakes…The point is that everyone deserves a chance at open communication, and to explain themselves…Nothing justifies it, but let me tell you that if I caught my honey with porn as upset as I would be I would be honest with him and would expect him to be honest with me, not only that but I would try to work things out…

 

[Nepenthe]

There is also the definite possibility that is isn’t so much a habit, as a temporary manifestation of anxiety over being engaged and the upcoming marriage and all that. If I were her, I would certainly tell him that she knows, but not too harshly, and simply, with great sincerity, request that he discontinue this, for both her and himself.

I don’t know all the details, but anxiety about huge life-events certainly can make people respond in ways they usually wouldn’t - she may be acting rather peculiarly and irrationally herself without even knowing it too! I just hope they can help each other, until the happy day they marry and happily ever after.

Nobody’s perfect, but we can try, and with a little help from those we love, the burden is much lighter and we can sing as we go. I wish them the very best, no matter what.

 

[darthsmozers]

Someone who is trying to “grow in faith” would avoid confession? That does not make sense…

Someone who desires to grow in faith seeks to be holy through frequent celebration of the Sacraments.

That’s very true. And God bless those who discover this.

My point is that not everyone has the most solid routines and practices when it comes to the sacraments. Who knows, perhaps an individual who has never gone to confession for years might find once a year to be a major step forward?

I don’t want to get into theoreticals, but my point was simply about coming off as authoritative and even judgemental when it comes to things like this. To proclaim that once a year confession is a warning light for a potential spouse is not a responsible nor encouraging thing to say…

 

[funnyyetsavvy]

Seriously – why is this your business anymore?

Give it up. She’ll do what she wants.

Good on ya for getting four pages out of it though. Too bad all of our (name removed by moderator)ut is USELESS.

I love how you keep it going by adding to the story though…

I have no idea why you are being this way…and if you are not wanting to be part of the thread then…as you put it…give it up.

I am this woman’s friend and if she marries this man, her maid of honor. I am also curious to see how people do respond because this was a factor in my former marriage. As someone who is in RCIA myself, I do not often know what the ‘correct’ Catholic response is to many things…that would be why I would ask that here… on the board for asking questions.

I have been telling her the suggestions. What you fail to consider is that after over a year of relationship, and a child who thinks the world of someone, sometimes just cutting and running isn’t the most prudent move. There have been several posts on here that I think have been truly helpful to her. And the poster who wrote about what would people be advising if this couple were married I thought brought a new consideration to the thread.

As for ‘adding to the story’ it’s called updating with new information as it unfolds.

I’m very surprised that you are writing this way. I have respected your posts in the past.

 

[funnyyetsavvy]

There is also the definite possibility that is isn’t so much a habit, as a temporary manifestation of anxiety over being engaged and the upcoming marriage and all that. If I were her, I would certainly tell him that she knows, but not too harshly, and simply, with great sincerity, request that he discontinue this, for both her and himself.

I don’t know all the details, but anxiety about huge life-events certainly can make people respond in ways they usually wouldn’t - she may be acting rather peculiarly and irrationally herself without even knowing it too! I just hope they can help each other, until the happy day they marry and happily ever after.

Nobody’s perfect, but we can try, and with a little help from those we love, the burden is much lighter and we can sing as we go. I wish them the very best, no matter what.

Thanks , I know she hopes to address it as non-threateningly as possible-she really wants to be loving and hopes he will respond to that.