Engaged and unsure

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Catholic323

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I am a 22 y/o catholic woman struggling with my decision to marry my fiancé. We have been dating for 3 years. I have always been a little bit weary of our relationship because it didn’t start if on a great foot in terms of being in line with the Catholic faith. And as we continued it only got worse we have been engaging in fornication for the majority of the relationship and I feel that is why I’ve stayed with him so long. I don’t feel happy with him mostly because we have done nothing to bring each other closer to God. He keeps telling me that by marrying him we are doing penance for our sins because traditionally if you have fornicated with someone you got married. I’m just not quite sure where to go from here. I have no desire to plan our wedding because I don’t think I want to do it. I have prayed about it and have not seem to getting any answers. I have very big reservations about getting married to him and the only thing stopping me from calling off our marriage is the fact that both of our families love each other and I don’t want to ruin that and the fact that all my friends are his friends too. I also have developed feelings for someone else in the midst of all of these problems which isn’t helping anything. Now obviously this is only the tip of the iceberg of problems that I wish to tell you about but I am asking for any advice.
 
Do you really want to make a lifelong commitment just because your friends and family will be disappointed if you don’t. Do you really want to make a lifelong commitment with someone calling that commitment"penance"?
Get. Out. Now.

Also, the only people who can give you a penance are priests…they can also give you absolution!
 
Speak to your family. Share these doubts with people you trust. If your priest is familiar with the situation, speak to him as well; and if he isn’t, consider getting him in the loop. If the families love each other, they will want what’s best for you and your fiance. Based on this post, it’s possible marriage isn’t it. Consider talking to your fiance as well, difficult though it will be. He has a right to know of these doubts you’re having. If my wife had married me while harboring serious doubts, I would have been pretty devastated and it might have changed my mind about the direction of our relationship. In the interest of charity, be honest with him.

A marriage based on “very big reservations” is enormously risky. You’re signing up for something permanent here; don’t go through with it simply due to external pressures. What’s more, your fiance’s reasoning of “marriage = penance” is… unsound, if you ask me. Bring that up to your priest, too.
 
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Camehome4john6 said:
Do you really want to make a lifelong commitment just because your friends and family will be disappointed if you don’t. Do you really want to make a lifelong commitment with someone calling that commitment"penance"?
Get. Out. Now.

Also, the only people who can give you a penance are priests…they can also give you absolution!
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I’ve run out of likes, so I’ll just quote this to re-emphasize this point.
 
You know that what you did was wrong. You know that marrying him for the reasons you gave us would be wrong. You know. You know you need to pump the brakes sooner than later.
 
If you have felt this way for a while, like a few months, I would say most definitely do not marry.

If it has been less than a few months, first consider whether other factors are turning you off of marriage, for example, if you are coming up on college graduation and job hunting, or if there has been another major life change (parents’ divorce, death in the family, violence), or if you are susceptible to winter depression. The reason I mention all this is that, while the relationship has some deficiencies, as you outlined, it also does not look irredeemable if there are enough positive aspects and reasons to stay.
 
Catholic323 said:
He keeps telling me that by marrying him we are doing penance for our sins because traditionally if you have fornicated with someone you got married.
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I wonder if he is just not good with words. This is biblical (Old Testament), and maybe the fiancé meant fornication is okay if you get married later on. I used to think that.

But if he really meant penance, like suffering, then yeah, that’s not a good sign.
 
22 is way too young for most people to get married, even under the best of circumstances.
 
People have started their relationship on the wrong foot sexually, then changed their mind and pursued chastity.

But the real question is, do you love him?

Forget about family and friends and their desires, etc. forget about the time you’ve put into this.
None of it matters.

If there were absolutely no ramifications of breaking up with him, would you still want to be in a relationship with him?
 
Catholic323 said:
I am a 22 y/o catholic woman struggling with my decision to marry my fiancé. We have been dating for 3 years. I have always been a little bit weary of our relationship because it didn’t start if on a great foot in terms of being in line with the Catholic faith. And as we continued it only got worse we have been engaging in fornication for the majority of the relationship and I feel that is why I’ve stayed with him so long. I don’t feel happy with him mostly because we have done nothing to bring each other closer to God. He keeps telling me that by marrying him we are doing penance for our sins because traditionally if you have fornicated with someone you got married. I’m just not quite sure where to go from here. I have no desire to plan our wedding because I don’t think I want to do it. I have prayed about it and have not seem to getting any answers. I have very big reservations about getting married to him and the only thing stopping me from calling off our marriage is the fact that both of our families love each other and I don’t want to ruin that and the fact that all my friends are his friends too. I also have developed feelings for someone else in the midst of all of these problems which isn’t helping anything. Now obviously this is only the tip of the iceberg of problems that I wish to tell you about but I am asking for any advice.
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Please don’t marry this man, at least not right now.

There are a LOT of issues that you and he need to work through first.

I recommend that you go to a priest and either ask him to help you, or to refer you to a solid, orthodox Catholic relationships counselor.

For God’s sake, you’re only 22. What I wouldn’t give to go back and fix the issues I’ve had between then and now, or better yet, not have them in the first place.
 
Catholic323 said:
He keeps telling me that by marrying him we are doing penance for our sins because traditionally if you have fornicated with someone you got married
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This is absolutely not true in the slightest, and it sounds like he’s being manipulative.
Catholic323 said:
I have very big reservations about getting married to him and the only thing stopping me from calling off our marriage is the fact that both of our families love each other and I don’t want to ruin that and the fact that all my friends are his friends too.
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This is absolutely not a reason to get married. If you are marrying for this reason, your marriage will almost certainly be invalid. If your intention is not primarily to contract a permanent, exclusive, and fruitful union with one another, then you have the wrong intention.

Please, see your priest, sooner rather than later. There are some serious red flags here, and you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartache if you don’t back out now.

You are in my prayers. PM if you need to.

-Fr ACEGC
 
These really are troubling times for you. I’ll pray for you, and while I’m praying for you I suggest you talk to your priest.
 
Okay, speaking as someone who has been married a few times, if you have any doubt at all-listen to it. Don’t go through with this. There is no out switch in the Catholic church so if you want to be a serious catholic you only get one shot.
 
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Your description is not unlike how I felt in 1979. I tried to break it off, but she convinced me to go ahead with the marriage. Thirteen years later we divorced. Don’t make the same mistake I did. End it now.
 
You have been dating for 3 years and now you are old enough to get married. There’s an expectation by family and friends.

Dating is a time to look at the other person in a sober way. If you make the decision to break it off, the dating period has been successful. You’ve both looked at each other as a life partner and determined that it wasn’t a good match. That’s what dating is for. You both can move on. Family and friends will move on to.
 
After a couple breaks up, all kinds of things can come out. Mostly that family and friends didn’t want to say anything because they didn’t want to harm the friendship they treasured. Once the break up happens, then all kinds of stuff comes out what they did not like in that other person.

If you ask ‘Why didn’t you say something?’ they could reply that it would have made you mad and you wouldn’t talk to me any more.

This idea you have that family and friends are ready to see you two get married may not be true. They may be going along because they think that is what you want and it makes you happy.

Right now you are thinking that getting married is what they want and what will make them happy.

You have to figure this out, like if the 2 of you moved to another country. No friends, no family. How does that sit with you? If you just had each other and had to build a life together?
 
I’m really sorry you are in this situation and will pray for you and your SO. I think you do know what you have to do, you just don’t want to admit it yet. Pray about it and you’ll find your answer
 
You have no obligation to him or to his family. Their friendship does not depend upon your union. You have no obligation to marry him, regardless of any sin you may have committed with him in the past.
I don’t often say this, but this is a situation that’s just you. Your choice. If you don’t want to marry him, don’t. Find a man you want to marry.
 
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