Engaged and unsure

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I’m suspicious when they haven’t replied to any posts and recently joined.
 
Convert3 said:
I’m suspicious when they haven’t replied to any posts and recently joined.
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Oh no, it’s understandable. But either way I don’t feel bad about the answers given so far on the off chance this isn’t trollish.
 
This is not a troll. This is a real life situation that I am going through and struggling with please keep me in your prayers
 
We will. It’s unfortunate that we do get many trolls, but thank you for letting us know. God Bless!
 
The problem is I’m not sure I know the answer to that question and I know some people will be like how do you not know but I’m not sure if this “love” that I have for him is actual love or just a feeling
 
@Catholic323, my advice is don’t get married yet. These things can be postponed. These things can wait while a relationship is made more healthy. The issue I have found is that once we start pushing the boundaries of sexual activity, it becomes more difficult to go back and focus on things that are more important (what I’ve just said isn’t tried and true, its just what I have been able to perceive so you may have a different situation) and I only make that note because your fiance may have difficulty ripping himself from some sort of habit you both might, possibly, have helped to form (one or both of you). I am not trying to shame either one of you by saying that, I am just saying there is a possibility that he wants to make things better and, at the same time, he wants to do things from the heart but that spirit of lust may still have a grip on him and make it incredibly difficult for him to think of good things to do. But God forbid I start the machinations in your mind that make you want to leave him, I just want to help you give your relationship the best possible chance it can have so you don’t put yourself into a miserable marriage which would likely not be found valid by the church anyway because of what you described in your original post.

Alternatively, if you want to be free from the relationship then perhaps it would be best to start taking steps back. Either way, I think it would be wise to not actively try to get married right now.
 
Catholic323 said:
This is not a troll. This is a real life situation that I am going through and struggling with please keep me in your prayers
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I’ve seen many women in very similar situations in my life. In fact, this situation is common enough. You’re in my prayers as well as other women in similar situations.
Catholic323 said:
He keeps telling me that by marrying him we are doing penance for our sins because traditionally if you have fornicated with someone you got married.
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This is painful to read. I would agree with other posters that this is not true. As of others have said you setting yourself up for years of heartache if you proceed and marry at this point.
 
When you’re dating someone, taking on the risk of pregnancy is a big risk. If you got pregnant, what will that mean for your schooling, your job, your health? A baby changes everything. Loving someone means you don’t ask them to take on that risk.

It makes it hard to see clearly, to think clearly, when you’re having sex with someone. It makes it hard to see behaviors that, if your sister was telling you about her boyfriend, you would have a very different reaction.

What would you say to your best friend if she described the behaviors that you’re seeing in your boyfriend?
 
JMMJ said:
22 is way too young for most people to get married, even under the best of circumstances.
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Not really. Biblically and historically many men and women married younger. Lifespans also weren’t long, and thus the youth spent their time to quickly learn the essentials of life. With lesser distractions, working in a trade sooner, raising a family, and fighting in wars, men and women grew up (mentally) a lot faster. A child say about 100 years ago, in their teens would be working on the farm, and soon getting ready to raise a family. Today the same teen goes to school, spends time on the smartphone and plays videogames. Unlike our ancestors, we are a spoiled and selfish generation.
 
99% of what you wrote indicates strongly to me that you already know you shouldn’t marry him. The other 1% is how both families feel. It’d be a whole lot worse if after some time or children you separated or it ended in divorce.

I also think your prayers have been answered - you say you have no desire to plan a wedding/don’t think you want to do it/have very big reservations agout getting married to him/and would call it off except for both families etc. If it was God’s Will that you marry this man, you would not be having so many strong indicators to not marry him. God places desires in our hearts. Doesn’t sound like He has placed any desires to indicate that you should marry this man. In fact, I’d say He is trying to indicate to you to not marry him.
 
Catholic323 said:
I have always been a little bit weary of our relationship because it didn’t start if on a great foot in terms of being in line with the Catholic faith.
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The old adage is when in doubt, don’t.

If you haven’t done so already, it would be prudent to pray to Our Lady and Archangel Raphael for guidance.
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Archangel Raphael: Prayers for those seeking spouse and discerning marriage Prayer Intentions
For those of us discerning marriage or praying for a spouse Glorious Saint Raphael, Patron and lover of the young, I feel the need of calling to you and of pleading for your help. In all confidence I open my heart to you to beg your guidance and assistance in the important task of planning my future. Obtain for me through your intercession the light of God’s grace so that I may decide wisely concerning the person who is to be my partner through life. Angel of Happy Meetings, lead us by the hand…
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I have nothing new to add to what posters have already said - please don’t marry him. You sound as though you’re just not ready to settle down yet, which is fine and completely understandable. As others have said, there are so many red flags within your relationship.

Don’t marry him because your families like each other and you have mutual friends. Nine of those people have to live within the marriage, like you do. Listen to how you feel. Don’t marry him.
 
Good for her! There are many people who wish they’d done the same!

😦
 
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bookshelf said:
Not really. Biblically and historically many men and women married younger. Lifespans also weren’t long, and thus the youth spent their time to quickly learn the essentials of life. With lesser distractions, working in a trade sooner, raising a family, and fighting in wars, men and women grew up (mentally) a lot faster. A child say about 100 years ago, in their teens would be working on the farm, and soon getting ready to raise a family. Today the same teen goes to school, spends time on the smartphone and plays videogames. Unlike our ancestors, we are a spoiled and selfish generation.
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Statistically, in today’s world, these marriages have a high rate of failure.
 
Red flags everywhere. Please think twice before getting married; marriage is a lifetime commitment. I know a bride that had doubts like you but decided to marry anyway because everything was paid, family would have been disappointed etc. The marriage lasted less than two years and ended with a bitter divorce.
 
OP, I’ll give you some advice that I gave my fifteen year old niece. A relationship is like a job interview. You’re discerning a candidate for the job of spouse and parent. Look at their character and look at what they do. If they’re not a good fit for the job description, let them go and keep looking.

That being said: From what I see in your posts, there’s many red flags in this relationship. What sticks in my mind is his attitude towards marriage as penance. That tells me he has the entirely wrong concept of marriage and why to marry you.

I’d say leave him and look for better men that will respect and love you for your soul; not leading you into mortal sin because he lacks the self control to do what’s right. His job as your husband should be to lead you to God and Heaven; not the confessional and wracking yourself mad with worry and doubt.

Don’t worry about his family and yours. Do what’s right for yourself, him and God. They, if they truly love you; will understand.
 
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Catholic323 said:
He keeps telling me that by marrying him we are doing penance for our sins because traditionally if you have fornicated with someone you got married.
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That is NOT a reason to get married.

And God does not ask you to do this.
Catholic323 said:
the only thing stopping me from calling off our marriage is the fact that both of our families love each other and I don’t want to ruin that
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That is NOT a reason to get married.

Your families can still love each other even if you go your separate ways as a couple.
Catholic323 said:
all my friends are his friends too.
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NOT a reason to get married.
Catholic323 said:
I am asking for any advice.
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You already know what to do.

Be kind to him and to yourself and move on from this relationship.
 
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