Her 13 year old son, to be specific.
Boundary violations all around. If Mom can’t see that, she needs help. I can’t remember which of my sons asked to sleep in my bed once when my husband was out of town, “to keep you company, Mommy.” This was when the son was maybe 7 or 8?..And at 13, if one of them had asked to sleep with me, I would have really wondered what the heck was going on, and we’d have had to talk…
I agree with you mostly, but I want to clarify: I don’t have any problem (and I don’t think you’d have a problem) with a 13 year old
wanting to sleep with anyone, even his mom, and especially not one who has a history of being the sensitve or cuddly type. Thirteen year olds can be indiscriminately cuddly creatures, and there is nothing abnormal about that, and it is no cause for alarm unless perhaps it shows a sudden change in temperament. I do not have problem with a 13 year old wanting hugs and kisses from his mother, or getting them. I don’t think there is evil in sleeping in a large familial heap in one room, but I also don’t think it holds a magic beyond that inherent in a family that is close in other ways.
As for distance between mother and son, when my boys were fourth graders I let it be known that they were going to go through a time when many people want more distance from their parents, and I did not want to put them on the spot to tell me to back off. On that account, I told them that I would leave them to initiate all public displays of affection, because they were becoming young men. I think they kind of liked that, actually. They still give me a hug and occasionally a kiss when I drop them off at school, and yes, they are 13. They know, though, that they have the power to set the distance, and that distance does not imply a drop-off in affection on my part, or theirs. It comes from my respect for their growing status as independent
men who are destined and competent to find their own course in life.
That is the one good thing about this situation: It does seem to be initiated by the 13 year old. That doesn’t mean I don’t think the mother needs to intervene with a wiser head, but at least she’s not the one pushing for this.
I do think there are real dangers in a 13 year old sleeping alone with his mother when his dad is totally out of the picture and his brother is sleeping elsewhere. First off, the young man is going through puberty, he is going to have thoughts going through his head and things happening with his body that are entirely beyond his control. These can be very upsetting, and feeling these towards one’s mother can be upsetting many times over. IOW, he needs (or soon will need) some amount of privacy from his mother, whether he knows it or not.
Secondly, though, her emotional support of him needs to be very much different from the “grooming” behaviors that happen as a pretext to sexual abuse. She ought not withdraw her emotional connections or support–far from it!–but rather ought to put the same kind of boundaries that would have been appropriate when she and any brothers she had became teens, or between her and her dad. There ought to be only true spouses in a family, and no quasi-spouses. The ex-wife has to be very careful to not let her relationship with their son because quasi-marital, and she has to realize that what is not quasi-marital for her may be something quite different for an adolescent son who loves her beyond all other women. (Again, such quasi-marital relationships need not be sexual, but can also be emotional.)
If the mother really thinks the boy would benefit from sleeping near her, I’d at least make it an occasional arrangement where his brother is there, too. I do not think it harms a boy to say, “you’re getting to be a man, and we need to make sure you have the privacy you need and that your mom does not impinge on the developing emotional space in your heart that will one day belong to your wife.” That is a lot different from saying, “don’t feel insecure, be a man”. Adolescence is a hair-raising ride for many of us, so shaming needs to be avoided entirely. Nature will provide enough inner uncertainty all on its own. Still, the young man should not feel he’s getting “exclusive” access to his mother in such an intimate setting. That is not a good precedent to set. Besides, the two boys may have to take care of her together some day, and their relationship with her should in no way undermind their mutual support of each other, but rather should enhance it.
At any rate, the boy’s father is still his father. He hasn’t given up the duty to give direction to the young man’s upbringing, and he cannot decide willy-nilly to abdicate that duty entirely to his ex-wife. He has to co-parent with his ex-wife, but he is still bound to be a parent and to make decisions a parent has to make. He can neither plunge in like a wounded animal or turn and run like a scared one. As the young man grows, Dad will have him to answer to, after all. The father needs to be able to say to his son (and to his mirror) that none of his mistakes were due to lack of diligence.
As for therapy, it would be good if the boy simply had a neutral and discrete party to talk to, an adult who has no dog in this fight who that he can unload to without taking either “side” and setting off a round of battles between his parents. If that context could be provided, it would be a good thing, I’d think. The parents might simply ask the boy for a list of five people he’d feel comfortable talking about things that he decides he doesn’t want to bring up with his parents, and arrange for him to be able to talk with someone on that list whenever he wants, permission given in advance, no questions asked. Our boys have that and, again, I think they like it, even though they haven’t used it (that I know of).
