Ex-wife sleeps with 13 year old son in the same bed

[TheRealJuliane]

A 13-year-old boy hasn’t necessarily even started puberty yet, and even if he has, a 13-year-old is still a child.

Every single boy in both of my sons’ classes had already started puberty by 13. Without exception. One of them could have grown a beard at 11, but by 13, they were noticeably developing into MEN. My older son was rather dwarfed by his peers until we put him on a gluten free diet and then he caught up, at least height-wise. Boys and girls are developing faster these days.

It is not wrong for a mom to stay affectionate with her sons, but having them share her bed is definitely over the line.

 

[jimmy]

Certainly there is something odd in this situation, in my opinion mainly because it suggests that the boy isn’t as emotionally secure as he should be. I think that is more worrisome than the thing itself (i.e. sleeping in the same bed as his mother). It’s very overblown to suggest incest at this point, in my opinion. Mother-son incest is rare, and besides, it usually starts before adolescence anyway.

I find it amusing that people think the problem here is that he might have a nocturnal emission and be ‘scarred’ by the experience. That might be embarrassing for a day or two - but it might even be a blessing, if it gets him into his own bed. Presumably he doesn’t sleep naked, so the mother might not notice, or, if she does, she should pretend not to.

It is good if someone has informed him that he might begin having NE’s, of course.

A 13-year-old boy hasn’t necessarily even started puberty yet, and even if he has, a 13-year-old is still a child.

Are you a man or woman boccherini? Just asking so that we can have an idea of your perspective.

There is going to be a big change in their relationship when he does start having these experiences. And it will be traumatic if they are in the same bed.

 

[ringil]

Every single boy in both of my sons’ classes had already started puberty by 13. Without exception. One of them could have grown a beard at 11, but by 13, they were noticeably developing into MEN. My older son was rather dwarfed by his peers until we put him on a gluten free diet and then he caught up, at least height-wise. Boys and girls are developing faster these days.

It is not wrong for a mom to stay affectionate with her sons, but having them share her bed is definitely over the line.

Oh I am sure the boy has begun puberty. I had, but I didn’t have any facial hair at that age. If I remember correctly I didn’t have nocturnal emissions until I was 14 (TMI) sorry.

I do agree that, on it’s face, the situation seems maladaptive, but I believe you are being a bit to catastrophic here.

A therapist would make an assessment and work with the mother and son- that work would almost certainly involve getting the son in his own bed.

But family situations are complex. I once worked with a man who had just unexpectedly lost his wife and he had begun- or his 16 year-old daughter had been sleeping in his bed.

Was this maladaptive- yes- but to go nuts about it wouldn’t have done any good. I spoke with the father about how and why he and his daughter needed to get back in their repective beds.

Most (all) families have some dysfunction. There are less and more maladaptive things than a teen sleeping in their mother’s bed.

But would most therapists seek to end the behavior- yes.

 

[Boccherini]

I am a male, young adult.

Yes, I agree that puberty and wet dreams and all that will create a change in the mother-son relationship, but isn’t that what we want here?

It is perfectly normal for a boy not to have started puberty at the age of 13. Late puberty is often psychologically difficult for boys. Not all boys have NE’s, by the way.

 

[thewanderer]

Exactly. The way I see it, it’s like if you have a weird mole on your skin. It looks suspicious, but it could be nothing. You don’t have the expertise to be sure, so you have a doctor look at it and give a diagnosis. If it’s nothing, you just don’t worry about it anymore. If it’s something, then you go for further treatment. I see this situation the same way (and actually, we’ve already heard an expert’s opinion on this thread). So, yes it’s a red flag, but red flags don’t mean that something is wrong, just that it is something worthy of further investigation.

 

[InJesusItrust]

You are younger than 13 and a male? There’s no problem if you are a female. You write very well so I’m assuming you’re close to being a teenager which now makes me wonder what you’re doing on this thread. No more sleeping with Grandma. You’re a big boy not a kid.

If you’re saying you are older than a teenager and bunking with grandma, you need to go sleep on the couch or floor.

Older but then again in the country I am from families share beds. My grandma only has one bed in her house and she would feel ashamed if family slept on the floor. If I say what some people here suggest she would think that I am some kind of perve to even be able to suggest the idea of incest.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I am a male, young adult.

Yes, I agree that puberty and wet dreams and all that will create a change in the mother-son relationship, but isn’t that what we want here?

It is perfectly normal for a boy not to have started puberty at the age of 13. Late puberty is often psychologically difficult for boys. Not all boys have NE’s, by the way.

No, we want that change to happen without the boy having ejaculated in his mother’s bed, while sleeping next to her.

And why take that risk??

 

[ringil]

Older but then again in the country I am from families share beds. My grandma only has one bed in her house and she would feel ashamed if family slept on the floor. If I say what some people here suggest she would think that I am some kind of perve to even be able to suggest the idea of incest.

Yes, if it is normal, in your culture for family to sleep in the same bed than there is no problem.

There are cultures like this. Inuit parent- at least in traditional setting, will have sex with their kids in the same room. That is their culture. There is nothing wrong with it.

In this example, we are speaking of a modern Western family so such a family situation may be seen as maladaptive.

 

[pnewton]

You do realize that CPS isn’t a police force ready to swoop down on people? They are also a source of information concerning what does and does not constitute abuse and even how to deal with situations that cause real concern but don’t present the kind of evidence needed for direct intervention.

I do not know about where you are, but here CPS is over-worked and under-staffed. I was under the impression that the OP was wanting to present this as a case of abuse, not a request for information on how to parent. Yes, they are required to investigate every allegation of sexual abuse. That does not apply here as there is not allegation of sexual abuse.

 

[ringil]

I do not know about where you are, but here CPS is over-worked and under-staffed. I was under the impression that the OP was wanting to present this as a case of abuse, not a request for information on how to parent. Yes, they are required to investigate every allegation of sexual abuse. That does not apply here as there is not allegation of sexual abuse.

Yes, they are overworked, and yet they do good work.

Any case in which I have made a report, whether through CPS or Adult Protective Services has been investigated in a timely way.

 

[monicabay]

i’m sorry you cant talk to your ex wife. I assure you there may be nothing going on. My son climbed into my bed on and off for years while my husband worked away. Most of the time when he was that age I didn’t even know he was there until I woke up. I never really asked why, I think he liked my matress, no joke he didn’t like his. I did get him a new matress and it really tapered off, the last time he slept in my bed was a couple months ago on sunday afternoon, he was sick and took a nap.

Dont go overboard and freak out, perhaps your son will also grow out of it. I really can’t see a boy wanting to sleep with his mom much older then he is if he has his own bed. An honest talk would be a good idea, and if you feel he has an emotional issue, see a counselor. Perhaps its nothing.

 

[skigirl1689]

I’ve read through all of the posts and I am dumbfounded! No one can seriously tell me that if this was a father and daughter sleeping in the same bed for 8 years, people would be debating if it was ok or not. No, it would be automatically deemed as wholly inappropriate in these circumstances!

I am a daughter and my dad has three daughters and believe me, dads have to be so careful not to do anything that even looks suspicious and I feel bad for dads. He and I did share a bed once in a hotel when we had to travel for a funeral, just him and I. It was wholly innocent but I know a lot of people would cry inappropriateness despite the circumstances.

But a mom can do it for 8 years with her son and we are wrong for thinking it may be an issue:shrug: How ironic.

 

[EasterJoy]

Older but then again in the country I am from families share beds. My grandma only has one bed in her house and she would feel ashamed if family slept on the floor. If I say what some people here suggest she would think that I am some kind of perve to even be able to suggest the idea of incest.

A true bed shortage is also a bit different, like the case wear Grandma is too frail to generate her own body heat at night. This could come up even in the States if a family were forced to live with relatives or in a very small home for their family, but in the OPs example, the young man is not going to wind up on the floor if he doesn’t sleep with his mother. After all, if the case were that you wanted to sleep with your grandmother instead of in her perfectly-good spare bedroom, she’d think you were being a bit odd, don’t you think? The request would be different for you, a young man, than if you were a young woman, too. It does make a difference, at a certain age.

 

[thewanderer]

I’ve read through all of the posts and I am dumbfounded! No one can seriously tell me that if this was a father and daughter sleeping in the same bed for 8 years, people would be debating if it was ok or not. No, it would be automatically deemed as wholly inappropriate in these circumstances!

I am a daughter and my dad has three daughters and believe me, dads have to be so careful not to do anything that even looks suspicious and I feel bad for dads. He and I did share a bed once in a hotel when we had to travel for a funeral, just him and I. It was wholly innocent but I know a lot of people would cry inappropriateness despite the circumstances.

But a mom can do it for 8 years with her son and we are wrong for thinking it may be an issue:shrug: How ironic.

Can you please clarify who exactly you are refering to? I know there was one poster on this thread who seemed to be trying to justify people sleeping together no matter what the circumstances, but beyond that I haven’t seen anybody suggesting that it is not possible that there is a big problem here.

As to your claim that everyone would lash out if it was father and daughter, like I said before, thats really not true. Some people would, just as some people are lashing out and saying that mother-son is always wrong, but not everyone would claim that that situation is necessarily problematic either. In fact, I think mother-son has more problems and is more likely to be harmful/scarring because of nocturnal emissions. That comparison** has** been brought up several times already and I just don’t think it makes a difference, except perhaps to make it less problematic.

 

[Moore11]

I’ve read through all of the posts and I am dumbfounded! No one can seriously tell me that if this was a father and daughter sleeping in the same bed for 8 years, people would be debating if it was ok or not. No, it would be automatically deemed as wholly inappropriate in these circumstances!

I am a daughter and my dad has three daughters and believe me, dads have to be so careful not to do anything that even looks suspicious and I feel bad for dads. He and I did share a bed once in a hotel when we had to travel for a funeral, just him and I. It was wholly innocent but I know a lot of people would cry inappropriateness despite the circumstances.

But a mom can do it for 8 years with her son and we are wrong for thinking it may be an issue:shrug: How ironic.

What made you think it is going on for 8 years?

Look the OP has come on here and has made several comments about how awful his ex is. Threatened to call CPS and wants to point out how messed up SHE has made the son. With no recognition on how this is the parents fault. Both of them. For all we know the son could have heard his mother weeping at night and then sees his dad with his new family and his mom is all alone and he may be interpreting that as a responsibility he should take care of. He is wrong, they should not be sleeping together but I think everyone on here has flipped out and jumped to conclusions.

1. The mother is alone with the son.
2. The son is “immature”
3. The OP talks openly of how the mom has “messed up the kid already”
4. The OP talked of how he does not like to get his current wifes family of lawyers involved in his “former” life.
5. The OP has been absent from co parenting for 8 years.(he admitted he and his ex have never been able to co parent.
6. The OP has stated he has not attempted any form of more custody to “keep the peace” but then wants to jump in and intervene when he finally found something to attack his ex on.

I dont know what the situation is and neither do any of us. All we have is one side of a very bitter divorced situation and frankly.
But no one seems to care about the child here. A child who sees a dad with a new family, a child that does not want to visit dad. A child who is probably trying to take care of his mom (which is not his job) and a confused child. Yet everyone seems to come right to the OPs side and pat him on the back and encourage him to take action when we have no idea what is going on.

honestly I think the son is protecting his mom. I think the son feels like its him and mom against the world. And frankly it might be. But what needs to happen here is that the adults need to start acting like adults and take care of this child who needs something. No more complaining about how evil the other ex is, no more battling and finger pointing about why the kid is so messed up and whos fault it is. And if we can pick up on that tension and blame and hate in the few posts here then why on earth would we think the child has not picked up on how dad feels about mom. A mom that he lives with, a mom that takes care of him and a mom who is hurt just like he is.

 

[Moore11]

Focusing on puberty and nocturnal emissions is not the point here. I never had “nocturnal emissions” and I think it is odd that people jump to the conclusion that the puberty is the problem here. It isnt. The problem is the boy and the mom that are getting something from each other that they need from something else. The boy needs the security of a stable family. The mom needs the assurance of love from anyone in her life…
That is the problem. The emotional needs are not being met. And they will not be met by an absent father shaming the boy with this issue.

 

[EasterJoy]

What made you think it is going on for 8 years?

Look the OP has come on here and has made several comments about how awful his ex is. Threatened to call CPS and wants to point out how messed up SHE has made the son. With no recognition on how this is the parents fault. Both of them. For all we know the son could have heard his mother weeping at night and then sees his dad with his new family and his mom is all alone and he may be interpreting that as a responsibility he should take care of. He is wrong, they should not be sleeping together but I think everyone on here has flipped out and jumped to conclusions.

1. The mother is alone with the son.
2. The son is “immature”
3. The OP talks openly of how the mom has “messed up the kid already”
4. The OP talked of how he does not like to get his current wifes family of lawyers involved in his “former” life.
5. The OP has been absent from co parenting for 8 years.(he admitted he and his ex have never been able to co parent.
6. The OP has stated he has not attempted any form of more custody to “keep the peace” but then wants to jump in and intervene when he finally found something to attack his ex on.

I dont know what the situation is and neither do any of us. All we have is one side of a very bitter divorced situation and frankly.
But no one seems to care about the child here. A child who sees a dad with a new family, a child that does not want to visit dad. A child who is probably trying to take care of his mom (which is not his job) and a confused child. Yet everyone seems to come right to the OPs side and pat him on the back and encourage him to take action when we have no idea what is going on.

honestly I think the son is protecting his mom. I think the son feels like its him and mom against the world. And frankly it might be. But what needs to happen here is that the adults need to start acting like adults and take care of this child who needs something. No more complaining about how evil the other ex is, no more battling and finger pointing about why the kid is so messed up and whos fault it is. And if we can pick up on that tension and blame and hate in the few posts here then why on earth would we think the child has not picked up on how dad feels about mom. A mom that he lives with, a mom that takes care of him and a mom who is hurt just like he is.

The OP did NOT “threaten” to call CPS. He wondered if he ought to. Big difference. My suggestion is not that he call CPS, but if he does I had in mind that he ask questions, perhaps anonymously, and certainly not that he ask for an investigation unless their guidelines clearly indicate that he ought to. There is no indication that they would do that, not with the information we have. They might be helpful in a fifteen minute consultation over the phone to helping him know what to be concerned about and what not to be concerned about. There might even be a page on their web site about it, who knows.

Your theory that the son is protecting his mom is pulling at least as much out of thin air as anyone else’s. Your contention that no one cares about this young man except you, and particularly the implication that this includes the OP, is over the top, too. Way over the top. He may just want to sleep with somebody with a nicer bed and a better temperament than his older brother!

If, however, the son truly is protecting the mother by co-sleeping with her, that is going into the realm of emotional incest. She and his dad need to make sure that he is not put in the position where he thinks it is his job to “take care” of her, but especially not in some singular way. She is the parent and protector. He needs to know she is competent to keep herself taken care of with the help of other adults, that her care is not on his shoulders. The idea that it is him and her against “the world”, including his brother and father, is not a healthy paradigm, not one bit.

This may mean the OP needs to make sure his ex-wife is taking good care of herself and has a good adult support network. Their divorce puts boundaries on him, but encouraging her generously and in a supportive positive spirit to see to her own welfare is very much a part of seeing to the kids’ welfare. Absolutely. I hope the OP does encourage her that way, in spite of their divorce and other disagreements.

 

[aicirt]

So people in other countries where the whole family sleeps in one big bed are sinning? Come on now, you don’t seriously believe that, do you?

I have no idea what they’re doing or not doing in another land, in another culture and neither do you. I do know in this land, this culture, this is creepy. Mom’s got a problem and she’s messing with the emotions and mind of her kid. The kid should be in his own room or with his brother and she should be in hers.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

No, we want that change to happen without the boy having ejaculated in his mother’s bed, while sleeping next to her.

And why take that risk??

Though I am on your side on this 100%, how is his mother going to find out if he does? It’s not like he is sleeping naked (At least hopefully not).

 

[aicirt]

Focusing on puberty and nocturnal emissions is not the point here. I never had “nocturnal emissions” and I think it is odd that people jump to the conclusion that the puberty is the problem here. It isnt. The problem is the boy and the mom that are getting something from each other that they need from something else. The boy needs the security of a stable family. The mom needs the assurance of love from anyone in her life…
That is the problem. The emotional needs are not being met. And they will not be met by an absent father shaming the boy with this issue.

Mom may need the assurance of love but she shouldn’t be looking for it from her 13 year old child whom she’s putting in the position as THE MAN in the family by putting him in her bed. She’s the adult here.

The boy would be better adjusted emotionally if she told him to go to his own room. And let’s not forget the other older brother who must be wondering what this is all about.

Knock off the absent father. Plenty of women are divorced and don’t sleep with their sons. He’s not the problem, she is.