Ex-wife sleeps with 13 year old son in the same bed

[Do_Good_Then_Go]

The OP states that ‘he (the son) asks and she (the mother) allows’ and ‘apparently it happens with some regularity’.

So I think the first thing to ask is how the OP found out and how often ’ with some regularity’ is. In any event, it doesn’t sound like it’s something that has been going on for years or something that happens every night. Maybe the boy goes into his mother’s room in the middle of the night and wants to get into the bed and the mother, being half asleep, allows it for whatever reason (son has had a bad dream, he has a tummy ache, he’s lonely or scared, or even because it’s easier than ‘making’ him go back to his own bed). That may not be the case at all but if it is it’s a different matter than the boy and the mother sleeping in the same bed all night every night.

I tend to agree with those who say it’s probably not a good idea for a 13 year old to be sleeping in the same bed as his mother on a regular basis but the question to be asked is why does he want to? If the boy does have a problem that needs addressing, simply not allowing him in the mother’s bed is not going to do that. It might even make it worse.

Either my brother or I often climbed into bed with our mother at the same age when our father was away with work, sometimes we both did. Usually we weren’t allowed to stay, but sometimes our mother fell asleep first and whoever was there would stay. There was nothing sexual or abnormal about this. It felt like being a small child again and that was very nice from time to time.

If I was the OP I’d certainly be concerned and want to find out more as the possibility of some kind of abuse definitely exists but I’d avoid thinking the worst at this stage.

 

[KellyPalmer]

Definition of DIVORCE
transitive verb
1a : to end marriage with (one’s spouse) by divorce b : to dissolve the marriage contract between
2: to make or keep separate : separate
intransitive verb
: to obtain a divorce
— di·vorce·ment -ˈvȯr-smənt\ noun
See divorce defined for English-language learners »
Examples of DIVORCE
After years of unhappiness, she decided to divorce him.
They both agreed it was best to divorce.
Their constitution divorces church and state.

I did not divorce my wife. She divorced me.

This is the same definition I looked up to see if I was using the term correctly. You and I must be reading this differently. You ended your marriage by divorce which means you divorced your wife. Doesn’t matter who initiated. You must know that my comment was merely to say that you and your wife are divorced as I already clarified. It seems there are other reasons my comment has made such an impact – I am sorry to have contributed to any emotional hurts you are dealing with.

 

[jimmy]

Moore11, so you assume that the father is lying. All the facts we have indicate that the son is emotionally screwed up because of it. He doesn’t want to spend time with his dad because when he does he can’t sleep with mom. That is a very very serious problem. It also indicates that this has been occuring for a while if he’s developed this attachment .

Your post comes off as dad is bad, mom is abused, so son is protecting mom.

 

[thewanderer]

I have no idea what they’re doing or not doing in another land, in another culture and neither do you. I do know in this land, this culture, this is creepy. Mom’s got a problem and she’s messing with the emotions and mind of her kid. The kid should be in his own room or with his brother and she should be in hers.

In other words because you find it creepy or it weirds you out you label it as immoral. Thats a great way to live.

 

[thewanderer]

Moore11, so you assume that the father is lying. All the facts we have indicate that the son is emotionally screwed up because of it. He doesn’t want to spend time with his dad because when he does he can’t sleep with mom. That is a very very serious problem. It also indicates that this has been occuring for a while if he’s developed this attachment .

Your post comes off as dad is bad, mom is abused, so son is protecting mom.

No, while the facts indicate that the son has emotional issues none of us can pin down their cause as being sleeping with his mother. Moore11 is spot on, divorce and separation mess up kids lives in all sorts of respects. Any emotional problems that this child has stems from the divorce and separation of his parents. They might also be exaggerated because of parening choices, but they also very well might not be. Sometimes divorce just screws up kids so badly that no matter how well a job the custodial parent does raising them they stay messed up pretty obviously. You cannot blame this on the wife without knowing more about the situation, and even if the wife is partly to blame for her parenting failures (which is likely, but who doesn’t make parenting mistakes) the real source of this kids issues is absolutely the seperation of his parents.

 

[Marie1234]

This wierd. Any woman that says this is good is only going to turn their own sons into mamas boys. Even if it isn’t sexual at all, it is still creating an emotional dependence that is unhealthy. The kid won’t be able to support himself when the time comes to be on his own.

And what mother wants to be in the same bed as her son when puberty hits? Does she think she can comfort him through that process or something? If she does, she is very naive.

Yup, I agree. A good mother knows boundaries. She knows what is healthy for the child and for herself. This doesn’t seem healthy for either.

It’s unnatural and a very bad idea. I don’t see how anyone could think it’s a good idea…?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

The boy would be better adjusted emotionally if she told him to go to his own room. And let’s not forget the other older brother who must be wondering what this is all about.

Nope. He probably wouldn’t be. Making him sleep in his own room is only covering up the symptom. The problem is why he would even want to or feel the need to in the first place.

 

[Marie1234]

Mom may need the assurance of love but she shouldn’t be looking for it from her 13 year old child whom she’s putting in the position as THE MAN in the family by putting him in her bed. She’s the adult here.

The boy would be better adjusted emotionally if she told him to go to his own room. And let’s not forget the other older brother who must be wondering what this is all about.

Knock off the absent father. Plenty of women are divorced and don’t sleep with their sons. He’s not the problem, she is.

EXACTLY

Don’t let these people bring you down Armor of Light. It’s clear to me that you are a good father who’s just trying to look out for the emotional health of his son(s). Whoever thinks it’s okay for a pubescent boy to habitually sleep in the same bed with his mother is very naive. It is not appropriate or psychologically healthy for either of them. You are doing the right thing trying to stop it even if it is “innocent”. Even in the absence of incest, this kind of behavior will most likely by emotionally harmful at minimum.

You are a good dad, don’t give up and don’t get discouraged. Try to get your boy to go to counseling instead of seeking comfort, or whatever it is, in his mother’s bed.

God Bless and good luck

 

[KellyPalmer]

I highly recommend the book Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys for info on the science behind the discussions here. An excerpt:

“Adolescence As the second of Levant’s (2001) crises of boyhood, adolescence presents an ever-increasing challenge for both mother and son. Even for the boy who has been able to maintain a healthy attachment with his mother at a younger age, the onset of adolescence, when the stakes are much higher, increases the probability that he will be expected and/or encouraged to disengage from his relationship with her (Dobson, 2001; Nicolosi & Nicolosi, 2002). Although puberty and the concomitant increase in his interest in female peers is a time when he could benefit from the wisdom, direction, and nurture of his mother, a boy is often shamed if he wants or seeks her help. This is even more devastating if his father is absent or otherwise emotionally unavailable to him. Whether in early childhood or adolescence, premature maternal separation is extremely painful and confusing for boys. Likening this experience to unrequited love, Pollack (1998) stated, This painful separation process by which many very young boys are shamed into withdrawing from their mothers more than they naturally want to, and then are only partially nurtured by their fathers, is a devastating disruption in a boy’s emotional life. It is too often vigorously defended or even celebrated as a natural movement forward for the young boy, an inevitable step away from childlike dependency toward so-called “healthy” masculine identity. Yet many people who advocate this attitude toward boys believe it would be a tragedy if such a schism were to happen so early in a young girl’s life. This relational rupture, this trauma, profoundly affects the psychology of most boys–and of most men–forever. (p. 27) The perpetuated belief that young men must be strong and independent leads to suppressed emotions and a defensive sense of autonomy (or pseudo-independence) that forever shapes their capacity for closeness and emotional connection (Pollack, 1995). This may be a particularly difficult issue for the single mother who may lack confidence in her own abilities to raise a son and, as a result, withholds her affection from him. If the boy’s father is emotionally unavailable to him, this can be particularly devastating because he has no other parent to whom he can turn (Pollack, 1998). Pollack (1998, 2000) believes that, although the nature of maternal expressions of affection changes as the son grows older, continuation of maternal affection is nonetheless essential to boys’ healthy development. A lifetime of maternal attunement provides the foundation for negotiating the changes. According to her son’s pace, hugs and kisses can become “exchanged smiles and few happy parting words” (Pollack, 1998, p. 130). Adapted to the boy’s needs and level of comfort, such expressions are nevertheless an essential component of the mother-son relationship. His mother is one of the few women who can give a boy the emotional comfort of physical warmth in a nonsexual context, and boys need to experience that physical tenderness if they are to speak the language later. Otherwise, we leave their touch training to football coaches, wrestling opponents, and casual sex partners. (Pollack, 1998, pp. 130-131) Rather than feeling rejected by his mother, a boy needs the freedom to separate at his own pace. Allowed to determine the degree of connection he has with her, a boy may avoid the deep longing and sadness that is the experience of many older boys and men who feel like they have lost a “holding” connection that can never be regained (Pollack, 1998). Kindlon and Thompson (1999) agree that a boy should be allowed to set the pace of the mother-son relationship.”

 

[BlueEyedLady]

What made you think it is going on for 8 years?

Look the OP has come on here and has made several comments about how awful his ex is. Threatened to call CPS and wants to point out how messed up SHE has made the son. With no recognition on how this is the parents fault. Both of them. For all we know the son could have heard his mother weeping at night and then sees his dad with his new family and his mom is all alone and he may be interpreting that as a responsibility he should take care of. He is wrong, they should not be sleeping together but I think everyone on here has flipped out and jumped to conclusions.

1. The mother is alone with the son.
2. The son is “immature”
3. The OP talks openly of how the mom has “messed up the kid already”
4. The OP talked of how he does not like to get his current wifes family of lawyers involved in his “former” life.
5. The OP has been absent from co parenting for 8 years.(he admitted he and his ex have never been able to co parent.
6. The OP has stated he has not attempted any form of more custody to “keep the peace” but then wants to jump in and intervene when he finally found something to attack his ex on.

I dont know what the situation is and neither do any of us. All we have is one side of a very bitter divorced situation and frankly.
But no one seems to care about the child here. A child who sees a dad with a new family, a child that does not want to visit dad. A child who is probably trying to take care of his mom (which is not his job) and a confused child. Yet everyone seems to come right to the OPs side and pat him on the back and encourage him to take action when we have no idea what is going on.

honestly I think the son is protecting his mom. I think the son feels like its him and mom against the world. And frankly it might be. But what needs to happen here is that the adults need to start acting like adults and take care of this child who needs something. No more complaining about how evil the other ex is, no more battling and finger pointing about why the kid is so messed up and whos fault it is. And if we can pick up on that tension and blame and hate in the few posts here then why on earth would we think the child has not picked up on how dad feels about mom. A mom that he lives with, a mom that takes care of him and a mom who is hurt just like he is.

For once I think that I agree with every word that you have posted.

I’ve been getting the impression that the OP is a fairly absent father who is jumping on the opportunity to attack his ex. He doesn’t want to fight for more time with his child unless its a sure win for him. But if his ex is really that bad isn’t his son worth the fight? Whether his ex pushed him in to the corner of his son’s life or he put himself there either way he went willingly. The “former life” thing struck me too, as did him complaining that his son doesn’t want to spend time with him and therefore must have Stockholm Syndrome. Perhaps his son isn’t thrilled about spending time with him because he feels like he’s intruding on his father’s “new life” and that he doesn’t have a place in it.

I really think that at this point being too close to mom is the least of this kid’s problems. He probably has a hard time feeling close to anyone right now.

 

[Marie1234]

I’ve been getting the impression that the OP is a fairly absent father who is jumping on the opportunity to attack his ex.

Let’s stop judging and attacking the OP. We don’t know the circumstances and it seems to me that he’s just trying to look out for the emotional health of his son. Absent father or not, there’s something fishy going on with his son and ex that needs to be addressed immediately.

 

[majorem]

I don’t know what more to say…

I just found this out over thanksgiving weekend. She is the custodial parent. He asks and she allows it.
Apparently, it happens with some regularity. I’m at a loss as how to handle this.

 

[majorem]

Just stop it…unhealthy from any angle…innocent or not…my parents bedroom was off limits…I don’t ever remember even going in there until I was a grown up after my father had passed to get something for my mom…our kids (4) 2 still at home…, are not allowed in our bed whether we are in it or not…not healthy…when they were very small they would come and jump into the bed early on Saturday mornings but that was when they were very YOUNG…PAX …presently tactifully to your ex…

 

[thewanderer]

Just stop it…unhealthy from any angle…innocent or not…my parents bedroom was off limits…I don’t ever remember even going in there until I was a grown up after my father had passed to get something for my mom…our kids (4) 2 still at home…, are not allowed in our bed whether we are in it or not…not healthy…when they were very small they would come and jump into the bed early on Saturday mornings but that was when they were very YOUNG…PAX …presently tactifully to your ex…

Just because the boundaries in your family dictate that your children never enter your bedroom does not mean that anyone with a different set of boundaries is being unhealthy. There are plenty of healthy families who have had much less strict boundaries in this regard.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Let’s stop judging and attacking the OP. We don’t know the circumstances and it seems to me that he’s just trying to look out for the emotional health of his son. Absent father or not, there’s something fishy going on with his son and ex that needs to be addressed immediately.

I think that it makes more sense to criticize the OP than to jump all over his ex, call her abusive, etc. At least the problems that we are pointing out with the OP are the ones that he stated himself. When we bash the ex wife we are doing so based only on the information that her ex husband has given us.

His older son told him that this happens “with some regularity” and that the son initiates it. Before accusing anyone of being held hostage and sympathizing with his captors the responsible and reasonable thing to do would be to talk to his ex, find out why this is happening and if there’s a problem. Then they need to figure out how to handle their son together. He is 13, now is the time that they need to learn to coparent. Pulling the son aside, sending him to counseling without speaking to his mom, bashing his mom, saying that he needs to “stand up for himself”, etc will only cause more of a rift between him and his ex, especially when, once again, the son is initiating.

 

[Boccherini]

The OP states that ‘he (the son) asks and she (the mother) allows’ and ‘apparently it happens with some regularity’.

So I think the first thing to ask is how the OP found out and how often ’ with some regularity’ is. In any event, it doesn’t sound like it’s something that has been going on for years or something that happens every night. Maybe the boy goes into his mother’s room in the middle of the night and wants to get into the bed and the mother, being half asleep, allows it for whatever reason (son has had a bad dream, he has a tummy ache, he’s lonely or scared, or even because it’s easier than ‘making’ him go back to his own bed). That may not be the case at all but if it is it’s a different matter than the boy and the mother sleeping in the same bed all night every night.

I tend to agree with those who say it’s probably not a good idea for a 13 year old to be sleeping in the same bed as his mother on a regular basis but the question to be asked is why does he want to? If the boy does have a problem that needs addressing, simply not allowing him in the mother’s bed is not going to do that. It might even make it worse.

Either my brother or I often climbed into bed with our mother at the same age when our father was away with work, sometimes we both did. Usually we weren’t allowed to stay, but sometimes our mother fell asleep first and whoever was there would stay. There was nothing sexual or abnormal about this. It felt like being a small child again and that was very nice from time to time.

If I was the OP I’d certainly be concerned and want to find out more as the possibility of some kind of abuse definitely exists but I’d avoid thinking the worst at this stage.

I agree with most of what you say.

 

[jimmy]

I wonder If the people who defend this woman’s actions would also be on the side of the women who breast feed their 7 year olds.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I wonder If the people who defend this woman’s actions would also be on the side of the women who breast feed their 7 year olds.

I think that there’s a bit of a difference between these two situations.

And I don’t think that anyone here is championing this, only that there are a lot of things that play in to the situation and that it is unfair, premature, and downright alarmist to start flying off the handle about abuse, incest, CPS, etc. Especially when there are so many issues with what the OP said to start with.

 

[pnewton]

Let’s stop judging and attacking the OP. We don’t know the circumstances and it seems to me that he’s just trying to look out for the emotional health of his son. Absent father or not, there’s something fishy going on with his son and ex that needs to be addressed immediately.

I agree that we have no basis for judging the OP. He is obviously speaking from his heart and we simply do not know enough to form an opinion. However, does this not also apply to the mother in this case. Perhaps the story is not quite as it seems. It is find to discuss actions in theory, but we really know nothing.

 

[Marie1234]

I think that it makes more sense to criticize the OP than to jump all over his ex, call her abusive, etc. At least the problems that we are pointing out with the OP are the ones that he stated himself. When we bash the ex wife we are doing so based only on the information that her ex husband has given us.

His older son told him that this happens “with some regularity” and that the son initiates it. Before accusing anyone of being held hostage and sympathizing with his captors the responsible and reasonable thing to do would be to talk to his ex, find out why this is happening and if there’s a problem. Then they need to figure out how to handle their son together. He is 13, now is the time that they need to learn to coparent. Pulling the son aside, sending him to counseling without speaking to his mom, bashing his mom, saying that he needs to “stand up for himself”, etc will only cause more of a rift between him and his ex, especially when, once again, the son is initiating.

I get what your saying, but rather than “bashing” anyone, why not try to look at the situation objectively and not take any sides. From the information that the OP has provided, it is obvious that the behavior that is occurring between his son and ex is unnatural and unhealthy. I’m not “bashing” her, I’m just saying the situation is unhealthy and needs to be remedied. The child clearly has some issues that need to be addressed. Ideally, the OP and his ex should work together to get the boy some help, but that may not be possible. The ex may not be willing to collaborate with him. Perhaps he has to remedy the situation on his own?

If that is the case, we need to provide him with advice and support. Obviously, it is impossible to determine via an internet forum who is “right” or “wrong” , but I really think that is beside the point. The main focus should be directed upon how to help the boy and get him in a healthy relationship with his parents.

No bashing, no “he’s right” or “she’s in the wrong”. Just: “How can the OP best figure out how to help the emotional health of this son.” That’s the only issue we should concern ourselves with.