Ex-wife sleeps with 13 year old son in the same bed

[hurting]

You know what I see here? A thread that should never have been created. Here you have a divorced family where one parent feels the other parent is not parenting right. And surprise surprise it is the parent who does not have custody. You have an issue being argued. You have obvious feelings of resentment from the OP toward his ex with threats to call CPS and badmouthing the other person. Dragging the child into the middle of a situation that has to already be the worst thing in his life. The OP comes online, posts a question that is either out of frustration or anger or is actually a serious problem for the authorities and then gets all defensive when some may not agree with him. I’m no psychologist but the boy obviously needs something that cuddling with mommy gives him and my guess is that the situation is completely created by the two parents separating. It will only get worse if the absent parent makes a big deal about how the child sleeps.

Bottom line is that if something sexual is going on the the authorities need to be notified. (the OP already said that it isnt sexual.) and if not then perhaps the OP should make thing easier on a child by making sure he gets the security and attention and love that he is obviously seeking with this action.
Before I would put the kid in therapy Id put the parents in therapy to learn how to best help the child.

I find it odd that after so long living with the mother that this is the “sudden issue”

Personally I don’t look at this and think what is wrong with the boy but rather what is wrong with the adults. The adults that were married, created life, separated, created new lives of their own and then fight about what is wrong with the child…

I actually think the mother comforting a son is better than the typical of divorced parents that sleep with a shack up boyfriend/girlfiend in their bed. With the kid in the next room.

While she may not be doing the correct thing she is doing something that she thinks is what the boy needs. And that is motherly.

You are reading between the lines and inserting attributing intent to the OP that is not evident to me from reading his posts. He asked in good faith how to deal with an extremely delicate situation that probably does not fall exactly at either end of the continuum you proffer. The OP is not fighting with his wife about what’s wrong with the child - he’s trying to stop exceedingly unhealthy behavior that his wife is allowing. This mother should not be sleeping with the boy OR sleeping with any other man save her husband.

No one should need therapy to ascertain taht this mother is doing something very wrong here.

 

[EasterJoy]

Not to de-rail the de-railment here, but…

Look. In the OP and following posts I was trying to be as charitable and as neutral as I could muster AT THE TIME. You guys gotta understand…it hit me like a ton of bricks and there is some relevant information I did not have at the time, and some I left out I guess.

He has been doing this (co-sleeping) for years. We divorced when he was 5 and he has been doing it the whole time. Not every night but a few times a week. I have always known this…no big deal when he was younger. I thought he stopped a couple of years ago. My older boy told me that he still asks to do it although not as frequently. What I did not know at the time was that although she allows it…she also WANTS HIM TO STOP and has given him the “You are 13 years old now…bla bla bla” speech

So…now after a calm phone conversation with her (yes it does happen sometimes) I told her I’d be happy to have a little talk with him as well to re-inforce her efforts to have it end.

So there you have it. A good resolution using sound judgement and cool heads.

There is no way I’m the only one who has vented on this forum.

Maybe you and your wife can get him an extra-cosy bed-topper and a wonderful comforter for his own bed. My kids love theirs.

 

[hurting]

I said I’ll let you guess…I never said I’d confirm or dis-confirm.

I was born in the morning but not yesterday morning. You have my prayers and my heartfelt sympathy (coming from a fellow traveler).

 

[KellyPalmer]

Uh, it always matters who initiates a divorce insfoar as it establishes motive and/or wrongdoing, at least in the light of God’s law.

Yes. I should have said it doesn’t matter when it comes to the use of the word divorce as a verb but I thought that was implied. Of course it matters who initiates a divorce in general.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

Not to de-rail the de-railment here, but…

Look. In the OP and following posts I was trying to be as charitable and as neutral as I could muster AT THE TIME. You guys gotta understand…it hit me like a ton of bricks and there is some relevant information I did not have at the time, and some I left out I guess.

He has been doing this (co-sleeping) for years. We divorced when he was 5 and he has been doing it the whole time. Not every night but a few times a week. I have always known this…no big deal when he was younger. I thought he stopped a couple of years ago. My older boy told me that he still asks to do it although not as frequently. What I did not know at the time was that although she allows it…she also WANTS HIM TO STOP and has given him the “You are 13 years old now…bla bla bla” speech

So…now after a calm phone conversation with her (yes it does happen sometimes) I told her I’d be happy to have a little talk with him as well to re-inforce her efforts to have it end.

So there you have it. A good resolution using sound judgement and cool heads.

There is no way I’m the only one who has vented on this forum.

Well done, good sir. I’m glad you were able to stay calm. I’ll pray that the conversation with your son goes well.

 

[Marie1234]

Not to de-rail the de-railment here, but…

Look. In the OP and following posts I was trying to be as charitable and as neutral as I could muster AT THE TIME. You guys gotta understand…it hit me like a ton of bricks and there is some relevant information I did not have at the time, and some I left out I guess.

He has been doing this (co-sleeping) for years. We divorced when he was 5 and he has been doing it the whole time. Not every night but a few times a week. I have always known this…no big deal when he was younger. I thought he stopped a couple of years ago. My older boy told me that he still asks to do it although not as frequently. What I did not know at the time was that although she allows it…she also WANTS HIM TO STOP and has given him the “You are 13 years old now…bla bla bla” speech

So…now after a calm phone conversation with her (yes it does happen sometimes) I told her I’d be happy to have a little talk with him as well to re-inforce her efforts to have it end.

So there you have it. A good resolution using sound judgement and cool heads.

There is no way I’m the only one who has vented on this forum.

Good for you! And I hope you don’t let the negative comments affect you. You’re a good dad who’s just looking out for his kids

I also just want to encourage you to look into counseling for your son. I think he really needs someone to talk to. He may not feel comfortable to talk to you or your ex about it, but perhaps he will open up to a therapist.

God Bless and I hope things go well for you and your family!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Not to de-rail the de-railment here, but…

Look. In the OP and following posts I was trying to be as charitable and as neutral as I could muster AT THE TIME. You guys gotta understand…it hit me like a ton of bricks and there is some relevant information I did not have at the time, and some I left out I guess.

He has been doing this (co-sleeping) for years. We divorced when he was 5 and he has been doing it the whole time. Not every night but a few times a week. I have always known this…no big deal when he was younger. I thought he stopped a couple of years ago. My older boy told me that he still asks to do it although not as frequently. What I did not know at the time was that although she allows it…she also WANTS HIM TO STOP and has given him the “You are 13 years old now…bla bla bla” speech

So…now after a calm phone conversation with her (yes it does happen sometimes) I told her I’d be happy to have a little talk with him as well to re-inforce her efforts to have it end.

So there you have it. A good resolution using sound judgement and cool heads.

There is no way I’m the only one who has vented on this forum.

Good to hear that you and his mother are BOTH taking the situation in hand - sounds like Little Bro has developed a bad habit that needs to be stopped at this point. Sorry the thread got into the weeds, but that seems to be an unwritten rule on CAF.

1. OP posts a problem, a situation, and asks for help understanding or addressing it.
2. Other forum members come on and give their best advice, usually based on their experience, strength, hope and our Church’s guidance.
3. One or two posters then contradict the prevailing advice with, “Well, it isn’t done that way in such-and-such a culture,” and, “I have friends and/or family members who haven’t done it that way and they (or their children) turned out FINE.”
4. The OP re-states the situation only to face even more vehement responses that “It IS NOT unusual! I do it all the time!” or, “This will not scar your child in any way because they do it that way in the jungles of South America!”
5. If things get too heated, the mods close the thread.

 

[thewanderer]

Not to de-rail the de-railment here, but…

Look. In the OP and following posts I was trying to be as charitable and as neutral as I could muster AT THE TIME. You guys gotta understand…it hit me like a ton of bricks and there is some relevant information I did not have at the time, and some I left out I guess.

He has been doing this (co-sleeping) for years. We divorced when he was 5 and he has been doing it the whole time. Not every night but a few times a week. I have always known this…no big deal when he was younger. I thought he stopped a couple of years ago. My older boy told me that he still asks to do it although not as frequently. What I did not know at the time was that although she allows it…she also WANTS HIM TO STOP and has given him the “You are 13 years old now…bla bla bla” speech

So…now after a calm phone conversation with her (yes it does happen sometimes) I told her I’d be happy to have a little talk with him as well to re-inforce her efforts to have it end.

So there you have it. A good resolution using sound judgement and cool heads.

There is no way I’m the only one who has vented on this forum.

Thats great news.

And no, of course you’re not the only person to vent on these forums, but sometimes when you start a thread it just hits the wrong chord, and divorce and parenting are always sticky subjects.

Anyway, I’m glad it is nothing worse.

 

[thewanderer]

You are reading between the lines and inserting attributing intent to the OP that is not evident to me from reading his posts. He asked in good faith how to deal with an extremely delicate situation that probably does not fall exactly at either end of the continuum you proffer. The OP is not fighting with his wife about what’s wrong with the child - he’s trying to stop exceedingly unhealthy behavior that his wife is allowing. This mother should not be sleeping with the boy OR sleeping with any other man save her husband.

No one should need therapy to ascertain taht this mother is doing something very wrong here.

Really? We were supposed to know for sure that the mother was doing something wrong? Even though it turned out that she really hasn’t been? (see AOL’s post 229) People have been jumping to conclusions both directions. There was too little information to know either direction for sure.

 

[epan]

In child psychiatry, the kid is initially described as “the identified patient”, because he or she has been identified as such by others. Often the child is doing the best that can be expected in the environment.

It seems to me that your ex should be setting proper boundaries, but is not. It is unlikely that you will get her to do so. Your task as a parent is to get your son to see that it is not cool for him to be sleeping with his mom at his age. Hopefully, she is not putting too much pressure on him to counteract your influence.

 

[hannajomar]

The only reason I have been sticking with this thread is in hopes that you would post an update, ArmorofLIght. So thank-you for posting that, and even better that it appears to be a positive outcome.

You have demonstrated what discernment is. You had an important problem with several options. Instead of shooting from the hip, you examined the situation and yourself. And many others examined you as well! Now, I can stop reading this thread…

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Really? We were supposed to know for sure that the mother was doing something wrong? Even though it turned out that she really hasn’t been? (see AOL’s post 229) People have been jumping to conclusions both directions. There was too little information to know either direction for sure.

Let’s discuss it for another 3 or 4 pages.

 

[jimmy]

I am glad to hear that you and your ex are on the same page regarding this. You guys need to get this to end quickly. It is encouraging a dependent personality disorder by allowing him to do this.

Does that end our discussion of whether it is acceptable for a teen child to sleep with their opposite sex parent?

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

I am glad to hear that you and your ex are on the same page regarding this. You guys need to get this to end quickly. It is encouraging a dependent personality disorder by allowing him to do this.

Does that end our discussion of whether it is acceptable for a teen child to sleep with their opposite sex parent?

Hahaha, you’re optimism is contagiously hilarious. Of course it doesn’t. If history means anything, we will run this thing to the ground until the moderators close it.

 

[aicirt]

Nope. He probably wouldn’t be. Making him sleep in his own room is only covering up the symptom. The problem is why he would even want to or feel the need to in the first place.

He’s got a mother who is allowing it. He may feel she needs him to be there and he may not want to be there. Doesn’t matter because he should not be there. The habit needs to be broken now. His other issues can be handled next.

 

[Marie1234]

Hahaha, you’re optimism is contagiously hilarious. Of course it doesn’t. If history means anything, we will run this thing to the ground until the moderators close it.

Bahaha too true

 

[thewanderer]

Let’s discuss it for another 3 or 4 pages.

But what else would one do on CAF?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

But what else would one do on CAF?

Start a thread on modesty???

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

Start a thread on modesty???

Oh my word, hahaha. I have never seen a thread on modesty here, but from what I have seen on Phatmass where threads on modesty have been practically banned, it never goes well. I can’t imagine what it would be like on this site with the much larger population. I almost want to try it out just to see, but I don’t want to be responsible for causing at least twenty people to commit mortal sins.

 

[dixieagle]

Oh my word, hahaha. I have never seen a thread on modesty here, but from what I have seen on Phatmass where threads on modesty have been practically banned, it never goes well. I can’t imagine what it would be like on this site with the much larger population. I almost want to try it out just to see, but I don’t want to be responsible for causing at least twenty people to commit mortal sins.

You’ve never seen a thread on this site on modesty???