Exhusband wrote back...advise please

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iluvmybabies

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Good day to all! Sorry for the bother here and I posted this in the last thread but I kind of need some advise and it’s greatly appreciated…I really appreciate your help… My exhusband wrote back:

"
I understand that Yes I have been disrespeactful to you out of fusteration of not being able to see my children and yes I blame you. However, I need to have contact with them at least. I am their father weather you want me to be or not. If I send her a phone will you allow her to have it? Also what do the boys want for x-mas? You have to work with me here. You can not avoid me altoghter. I wont send anymore e-mails to your job but please give me a number to call. You do not respond to your personal e-mail. Please allow her to have a cell phone so that we can stay in contact. Please find it in your heart to understand where I am comming from. This is not about us! It is about Me and My Children!
Thank you
"

He has quoted a lot of the things I have said to him on countless effortless emails and phone calls when he would change everything up and harass me…I am not sure how to respond to this or what to say… Your help is greatly appreciated…Thank you!
 
*Why doesn’t he just add a phone for your dd to his current phone plan? Why all this need to get you so involved? If he has no agenda, or ulterior motives, why not just add a phone to his plan and then surprise his dd with it? Why does he need to roll out a red carpet, trumpeting that he plans to get her a cell phone? 🤷 I guess it isn’t a big deal to get her the phone, if he feels this is important. I just hope he doesn’t use your daughter (again) to get back at you. He sounds like he still wants to blame you for his failings. You won’t be able to change him, but I don’t see anything wrong with getting the cell, thinking it through now… Adding a phone to a family plan is not expensive, in fact, most plans allow you to get the extra phones for free or minimally. You’d think he was buying her a ferrari. Just my two cents.

Praying for you, iluv. I know this has to be hard. It’s the tough thing about divorce when kids are involved…you still have to deal with someone who caused you a lot of pain. *
 
Hi whatever girl, that’s exactly what I am thinking, he has my address, including the po box address, he has her email address and her myspacepage and all that stuff, why does he have to get me involved in his “gift giving?” If he was all that interested in what his kids wanted and have etc he should have never stopped talking to them or getting in contact with them let alone making fake promises he never kept…during and after marriage… UGH he frustrates me… What should I respond to him?
 
Hmm this email from him sounds less crazy-making and manipulative…though that might be the intent, to suck you back in with how “reasonable” he is. I agree with whatevergirl, he is really turning his cell phone gesture into this huge gigantic thing when it doesn’t need to be. Like I said in your other post…I think its fine if you want to let him give her a phone BUT do not under any circumstance let her or anyone else use it for a purpose other than talking to her dad. It is just something more for him to use against you. Also, any phone number he can see on the phone bill is a number he can call to embarass you to her friend’s parents of dig up information.
I am really praying that God will lift you up like only He can during this stressful time.
 
MercyMia said:
Hmm this email from him sounds less crazy-making and manipulative…though that might be the intent, to suck you back in with how “reasonable” he is. I agree with whatevergirl, he is really turning his cell phone gesture into this huge gigantic thing when it doesn’t need to be. Like I said in your other post…I think its fine if you want to let him give her a phone BUT do not under any circumstance let her or anyone else use it for a purpose other than talking to her dad. It is just something more for him to use against you. Also, any phone number he can see on the phone bill is a number he can call to embarass you to her friend’s parents of dig up information.
I am really praying that God will lift you up like only He can during this stressful time.
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Thanks, so just respond to him saying it’s fine and leave it like that? But as you can see he wants to give this to her as her Christmas gift, and since I all ready opened my fat mouth to my daughter she asked me more about the phone and when I told her it was going to be her Christmas gift she said she didn’t want it anymore!!! What do I do now?!
 
Just email him and say something like:
Any avenue you want to use to talk with your daughter more is welcome by me, including a cell phone. As you can imagine, life is hectic over here so I don’t have a lot of time to devote to the particulars of arranging for the phone. I am giving you the green light to give your daughter a cell phone, but beyond that I am not involving myself in the details; and the terms of the phone use are to be worked out between you and our daughter. I can assure you I will never use the phone, but beyond that I cannot police our daughters use of the phone 24/7, so I do stress that you work out the terms of use with her so that she understands them and there is no issue down the road.

As far as your daughter not wanting the phone anymore…just tell her you aren’t sure what her dad plans to do yet, only that you are fine with it if he gives her a phone and that christmas gifts are a topic you don’t really want to be talking about in September.
 
MercyMia said:
Just email him and say something like:
Any avenue you want to use to talk with your daughter more is welcome by me, including a cell phone. As you can imagine, life is hectic over here so I don’t have a lot of time to devote to the particulars of arranging for the phone. I am giving you the green light to give your daughter a cell phone, but beyond that I am not involving myself in the details; and the terms of the phone use are to be worked out between you and our daughter. I can assure you I will never use the phone, but beyond that I cannot police our daughters use of the phone 24/7, so I do stress that you work out the terms of use with her so that she understands them and there is no issue down the road.

As far as your daughter not wanting the phone anymore…just tell her you aren’t sure what her dad plans to do yet, only that you are fine with it if he gives her a phone and that christmas gifts are a topic you don’t really want to be talking about in September.
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Ok I will do that, I like what you have here, thanks! I wouldn’t have known what to say or do…I appreciate it…I know seems ridiculous but seriously I am a weakling all the time frustrated easily…especially about my ex it just drives me insane…thanks for your help…
 
I suspect his “reasonableness” in his email is because he has been told to write it as if a judge will see it in court.

Your response should also be as if a judge will read it. MercyMia’s idea is great.

Interesting how your daughter’s interest is waning.

I guess he doesn’t want to have to tell a judge that he didn’t give his kids Christmas gifts.

My xh just gave the girls phones without consulting me. Gave them unlimited minutes and texting. Which doesn’t encourage much self control in them.

I didn’t think they were ready to have phones. But it was good to finally be able to bypass his house phone to talk to them myself. (He’d let that ring and I’d have to leave a message.)
 
iluvmybabies said:
Hi whatever girl, that’s exactly what I am thinking, he has my address, including the po box address, he has her email address and her myspacepage and all that stuff, why does he have to get me involved in his “gift giving?” If he was all that interested in what his kids wanted and have etc he should have never stopped talking to them or getting in contact with them let alone making fake promises he never kept…during and after marriage… UGH he frustrates me… What should I respond to him?
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*Send him my reply here. 😃 Oh, ok…maybe not a good idea. 😉

That is why I feel he is just using this as another way to yo yo you and your dd all around. But, maybe accept the phone…but tell him this…I want nothing to do with this phone thing. It’s between you and your daughter. That’s it. Stay out of it. If he upsets her, he’ll have to deal with it. AGAIN, I just think if he truly wanted to give this to her out of the ‘goodness of his heart’ he would have mentioned to you that he is going to add her to his plan, NO RESTRICTIONS…and that’s it. She can’t just download things…cell phones don’t work that way. He could just not have internet access on the cell phone…duh. Sorry, I am losing patience with your ex, and I have never even met him! :o So, tell him, to not add internet, and then she can’t download anything. But, if he says…‘don’t tell me what to do.’ Then, I would not reply anymore. Because then you’ll know it’s about him, and not about your daughter communicating with him at all. But, truly, if you don’t want kids to text or download, you just restrict the access. We don’t have internet on our phone…it’s pretty simple.

That’s what I would write back…send the phone, I want no part of it. Restrict the internet access so she can’t download. Be cordial. If he wants to start an argument with you, don’t take the bait.

I wish you good luck…show us your email before you send it,i f you like. :)*
 
Liberanosamalo said:
I suspect his “reasonableness” in his email is because he has been told to write it as if a judge will see it in court.

Your response should also be as if a judge will read it. MercyMia’s idea is great.

Interesting how your daughter’s interest is waning.

I guess he doesn’t want to have to tell a judge that he didn’t give his kids Christmas gifts.

My xh just gave the girls phones without consulting me. Gave them unlimited minutes and texting. Which doesn’t encourage much self control in them.

I didn’t think they were ready to have phones. But it was good to finally be able to bypass his house phone to talk to them myself. (He’d let that ring and I’d have to leave a message.)
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K cool thank you I thought it was great advise too! 😃 Thank you all so much… Sorry to hear about how things were with your ex, it’s devastating…I understand…I am glad now you can speak with them without problems! 😃
 
whatevergirl said:
*Send him my reply here. 😃 Oh, ok…maybe not a good idea. 😉

That is why I feel he is just using this as another way to yo yo you and your dd all around. But, maybe accept the phone…but tell him this…I want nothing to do with this phone thing. It’s between you and your daughter. That’s it. Stay out of it. If he upsets her, he’ll have to deal with it. AGAIN, I just think if he truly wanted to give this to her out of the ‘goodness of his heart’ he would have mentioned to you that he is going to add her to his plan, NO RESTRICTIONS…and that’s it. She can’t just download things…cell phones don’t work that way. He could just not have internet access on the cell phone…duh. Sorry, I am losing patience with your ex, and I have never even met him! :o So, tell him, to not add internet, and then she can’t download anything. But, if he says…‘don’t tell me what to do.’ Then, I would not reply anymore. Because then you’ll know it’s about him, and not about your daughter communicating with him at all. But, truly, if you don’t want kids to text or download, you just restrict the access. We don’t have internet on our phone…it’s pretty simple.

That’s what I would write back…send the phone, I want no part of it. Restrict the internet access so she can’t download. Be cordial. If he wants to start an argument with you, don’t take the bait.

I wish you good luck…show us your email before you send it,i f you like. :)*
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Ok whatevergirl, will do that…thanks! Ugh believe me I put up with this for almost a decade and things were worst before! LOL
 
Ok sorry I used the great advise given and this is what I have so far: anything else I should add please let me know…esp for closing…thanks! Should I bring up any email contact about me and work or my daughter’s email on this? Or just leave it at that? thanks again your help is greatly apprecaited!

Any avenue you want to use to talk with our daughter more is welcomed by me, including a cell phone. As you can imagine, life is hectic over here so I don’t have a lot of time to devote to the particulars of arranging for the phone. I am giving you the green light to give your daughter a cell phone, but beyond that I am not involving myself in the details; and the terms of the phone use are to be worked out between you and our daughter. I can assure you I will never use the phone, but beyond that I cannot police our daughter’s use of the phone 24/7, so I do stress that you work out the terms of use with her so that she understands them and there is no issue down the road. Also I would like to suggest this, your daughter is almost a teen, and she’s into teen stuff, like music, and pictures, I suggest you block out the internet usage and the downloadable contents so that there are no mishaps or misunderstandings…
 
iluvmybabies said:
Ok sorry I used the great advise given and this is what I have so far: anything else I should add please let me know…esp for closing…thanks! Should I bring up any email contact about me and work or my daughter’s email on this? Or just leave it at that? thanks again your help is greatly apprecaited!

Any avenue you want to use to talk with our daughter more is welcomed by me, including a cell phone. As you can imagine, life is hectic over here so I don’t have a lot of time to devote to the particulars of arranging for the phone. I am giving you the green light to give your daughter a cell phone, but beyond that I am not involving myself in the details; and the terms of the phone use are to be worked out between you and our daughter. I can assure you I will never use the phone, but beyond that I cannot police our daughter’s use of the phone 24/7, so I do stress that you work out the terms of use with her so that she understands them and there is no issue down the road. Also I would like to suggest this, your daughter is almost a teen, and she’s into teen stuff, like music, and pictures, I suggest you block out the internet usage and the downloadable contents so that there are no mishaps or misunderstandings…
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*FABULOUS! Perfect. I really like it. Cordial, yet firm…and it’s appropriate. It should have nothing to do with you. If he argues with that, he is not interested in just doing this out of the goodness of his heart. A ‘normal’ reply back to you would be …great, I look forward to working things out with her. I hope that he decides to stop the games.

God bless, and press SEND! :D*
 
About him contacting you at work…maybe add something like this: In the future, as it relates to non-emergency contact, I would appreciate it if you would send all correspondence via certified letter to my residence. Thank you.
 
whatevergirl said:
*FABULOUS! *Perfect. I really like it. Cordial, yet firm…and it’s appropriate. It should have nothing to do with you. If he argues with that, he is not interested in just doing this out of the goodness of his heart. A ‘normal’ reply back to you would be …great, I look forward to working things out with her. I hope that he decides to stop the games.

God bless, and press SEND! 😃
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ok cool!! THANK YOU ALL! 🙂
 
MercyMia said:
About him contacting you at work…maybe add something like this: In the future, as it relates to non-emergency contact, I would appreciate it if you would send all correspondence via certified letter to my residence. Thank you.
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Ok good I like that! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
 
Ok thank you everyone so much for your help and support! This is the final draft, I think! LOL Thank you very much! Mercy and whatevergirl I took your advise and Mercy’s words, sorry Mercy, and this is what I have: Oh also should I give him my new home address or just leave him with the pobox?

Any avenue you want to use to talk with our daughter more is welcomed by me, including a cell phone. As you can imagine, life is hectic over here so I don’t have a lot of time to devote to the particulars of arranging for the phone. I am giving you the green light to give your daughter a cell phone, but beyond that I am not involving myself in the details; and the terms of the phone use are to be worked out between you and our daughter. I can assure you I will never use the phone, but beyond that I cannot police our daughter’s use of the phone 24/7, so I do stress that you work out the terms of use with her so that she understands them and there is no issue down the road. Also I would like to suggest this, your daughter is almost a teen, and she’s into teen stuff, like music, and pictures, I suggest you block out the internet usage and the downloadable contents so that there are no mishaps or misunderstandings…

In the future, as it relates to non-emergency contact, I would appreciate it if you would send all correspondence via certified letter to my residence. Thank you.
 
MercyMia said:
You are sooooo welcome!!!
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thank you so much so sorry for all the drama your help is you have no idea how extremely helpful! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! It’s good to have friends you can count on! 😉 Thank you! Sorry for the bother!!!
 
*iluv, one more thing…sort of off to the side a bit.

IF he becomes argumentative with the email you send (clearly there is no reason to, you are agreeing to the cell phone) then I would really change my tune with this guy. Men like him like control. He controlled you for years, you said. If he says something back like…‘Don’t tell me what to do…’ or anything that can be deemed as argumentative, I would say this back…I am going to kindly remind you of this, and I’m only saying this one time. YOU WILL NOT HARASS me anymore. If this continues, I will have no choice but to take a different action.

You don’t need to be harassed by your ex husband. There are actually laws against this type of thing, there are also laws in place against parents in divorce, using kids as pawns, and badgering and harassing kids, the way he has been. (like his correspondence to your daughter on myspace) You don’t need to tolerate it, and you shouldn’t. Your life is good – don’t let this man control you, or push your buttons anymore. Be firm with him. He still gets the sense that he can push you around…from afar. Don’t let him.

So…that is my last two cents. If he gets nasty for no reason, I would say…I have no choice but to view this as harassment and I will be discussing this with the judge. And keep saying it until he starts treating you with respect. He doesn’t have to be your best friend, but he is married now…you’re heading off to be married soon…he needs to stop treating you badly, and pulling your strings. You’re NOT his puppet. You’re a child of God, and He loves you. Be strong. *

:hug1:
 
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