Exhusband wrote back...advise please

[iluvmybabies]

*iluv, one more thing…sort of off to the side a bit.

IF he becomes argumentative with the email you send (clearly there is no reason to, you are agreeing to the cell phone) then I would really change my tune with this guy. Men like him like control. He controlled you for years, you said. If he says something back like…‘Don’t tell me what to do…’ or anything that can be deemed as argumentative, I would say this back…I am going to kindly remind you of this, and I’m only saying this one time. YOU WILL NOT HARASS me anymore. If this continues, I will have no choice but to take a different action.

You don’t need to be harassed by your ex husband. There are actually laws against this type of thing, there are also laws in place against parents in divorce, using kids as pawns, and badgering and harassing kids, the way he has been. (like his correspondence to your daughter on myspace) You don’t need to tolerate it, and you shouldn’t. Your life is good – don’t let this man control you, or push your buttons anymore. Be firm with him. He still gets the sense that he can push you around…from afar. Don’t let him.

So…that is my last two cents. If he gets nasty for no reason, I would say…I have no choice but to view this as harassment and I will be discussing this with the judge. And keep saying it until he starts treating you with respect. He doesn’t have to be your best friend, but he is married now…you’re heading off to be married soon…he needs to stop treating you badly, and pulling your strings. You’re NOT his puppet. You’re a child of God, and He loves you. Be strong. *

:hug1:

Thanks!! You see from these 2 emails he has been worst than that I promise you…the last one he was telling me how great his wife was compared to me and that I should be afraid of him getting the kids because she would be a better mom etc etc etc and before our divorce everything was a condition…I could use the car but only to do this and this, I was not allowed to give my family a ride anywhere nor help them out with the car, I couldn’t go shopping with my mother or sister or any other member in the family in his car…ETC ETC ETC! It was never ending I assure you I am not making anything up… the control he had was sickening but I am a fighter and I hate being tied down like that I hated myself for a while and wouldn’t go out anywhere and wouldn’t do anything…HE would come home and he would leave homecooked dinners to go eat and go out with his family…I didn’t like him very much…But whatever that’s the past and even though he still continues to get under my skin…Since his wife is probably with him right now monitoring what he writes I bet he won’t start anything but it won’t be long I will hear my daughter mad at me because of something he said… Anyhow, thanks again for the help and advise I am sending the email back now! Thanks again! Have a great day!! GOD BLESS!!!

 

[MercyMia]

I agree with whatevergirl…this guy really does sound like a piece of work. It is smart to shield yourself, such as corresponding only via certified letters; this is also a good way for you to contact him IF you need to…because you have the proof as opposed to email or informal letters/calls that can be denied of lied about. It will drive him crazy to see how you can restrain yourself and act so professionally. This puts you back in control…and after all, isn’t it all about control with him?
Also, I am guessing this guy has some sort of personality disorder and I think strong, firm words like the ones you are sending out now are effective because they show that you are speaking directly and without wavering. People with personality disorders can be like wild animals on the hunt. They seek out the wounded for easy prey. They are like cats that torture and skin a mouse with their claws just for their own bizarre amusement. As soon as your roar back at them with precision, they do not know what to do and may back off and move onto easier prey. I think your ex, in the past and present and has seen you as that little mouse he can corner and claw at. He knows that he can push your buttons and he loves it…once he sees he cannot push your buttons he will lose interest (we hope).

Anyway, you are so welcome and you are never a bother. Today is St. Therese’s feast day, to whom I have a very special devotion, and I hope she showers you with prayers.

p.s. Do some reading on narcissistic personality disorder if you can, even if you just search it online…I really strongly suspect he has something like this.

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m sorry. I think that all abusive men, read from the same books or something. lol I dated a guy as I have talked about in other threads, back in college–who was so similiar. He wanted me to cut off contact with friends, etc etc…which is why is in my PAST

That said, TRUST ME ON THIS–Your ex will NEVER sue you for sole custody. NEVER. Reason is that he will lose control over you then. Plus, he doesn’t want her living with him, with his ‘new’ family. It is heartbreaking that ‘fathers’ like him, even get such a title. But, IF he starts that again…EVER AGAIN…I would just keep writing back…I will not be harassed, I am taking this to a new level. Let him wonder what that means for a change.

This may sound out there, but I think in his warped way, he still loves you, iluv. Controlling, abusive men really don’t know how to express true love (like normal true love), but when they are obessed with a woman, fixated on her the way he seems to be with you, that is actually how they show love. I think his wife is just someone to take care of his bills, and him. I really believe that. If he didn’t miss you, or want to be with you, he would not say…‘my wife is better than you.’ You have to think like him a little. Again, abusive men don’t think like noraml non abusive men. If he was truly over you, he would contact you about your dd, be kind, not say things to get to you. But, there’s nothing you can do about it, except tell him, that you won’t tolerate his harassing ways anymore.

Abusive men only hurt women they “love.” I know that sounds weird, but it’s true. It would be somewhat interesting to see how he’d be if you had no children with him, and you refused to ever reply…just ignoring him. The guy I dated that was abusive…oh my gosh. When we finally ended things…I ended things…he stalked, begged, yelled at me…went from nice voicemails, to ‘you’re a %%$!@#$’ in the same voicemails, sometimes. lol I just never ever replied. I wasn’t married and had no kids with the guy, obviously…so it was easy, unlike your situation. You have to tolerate the guy for the sake of your children. I remember the guy though coming UNGLUED. Kept calling me, threatening me, vascillating between being saccharin nice to threatening to hurt me. I never ever replied. Then, one day it all stopped…and I found out through the grapevine that he had another victim, I mean girlfriend. Then, he started up again to my surprise…the nice voicemails, etc…and I realized that whoeever he was dating, he still wanted me. This was his strange way of showing he cared…by stalking me. lol I know it sounds crazy, but this is how abusive people think. I finally had to tell him to leave me alone, or I’d call the police. He THEN left me alone. I know the type all too well, I wish I never had the experience, but it helped me to help other, I suppose. Moral of the story, if your husband was happy in his marriage, he wouldn’t be bugging you, still. It’s not about your dd, it’s about you. Buy some books on abusive men…relationships. You’ll see what I mean. The best reply to an abuser, is a minimal one, with no emotion. Work on that, when replying to him. Make things only about your children, not about you and him. If he makes a nasty comment about you, ignore it, and only focus on the kids. (and remind him that you’re saving these harassing emails)

I don’t want to cause you to dwell on this, but that’s what I think, actually. *

 

[maryjk]

I agree with whatevergirl…this guy really does sound like a piece of work. **It is smart to shield yourself, such as corresponding only via certified letters; **this is also a good way for you to contact him IF you need to…because you have the proof as opposed to email or informal letters/calls that can be denied of lied about. It will drive him crazy to see how you can restrain yourself and act so professionally. This puts you back in control…and after all, isn’t it all about control with him?

This is a very good idea. That way you have all of the documentation.

Don’t forget to add what the boys would like for Christmas. Since he asked, you should give him an idea or two. Make sure you don’t give away your best ideas, since most likely he won’t follow through.

Basically you want to be able to walk into court with your head held high, while he is scrambling to show that he is a father at least some of the time.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I agree with whatevergirl…this guy really does sound like a piece of work. It is smart to shield yourself, such as corresponding only via certified letters; this is also a good way for you to contact him IF you need to…because you have the proof as opposed to email or informal letters/calls that can be denied of lied about. It will drive him crazy to see how you can restrain yourself and act so professionally. This puts you back in control…and after all, isn’t it all about control with him?
Also, I am guessing this guy has some sort of personality disorder and I think strong, firm words like the ones you are sending out now are effective because they show that you are speaking directly and without wavering. People with personality disorders can be like wild animals on the hunt. They seek out the wounded for easy prey. They are like cats that torture and skin a mouse with their claws just for their own bizarre amusement. As soon as your roar back at them with precision, they do not know what to do and may back off and move onto easier prey. I think your ex, in the past and present and has seen you as that little mouse he can corner and claw at. He knows that he can push your buttons and he loves it…once he sees he cannot push your buttons he will lose interest (we hope).

Anyway, you are so welcome and you are never a bother. Today is St. Therese’s feast day, to whom I have a very special devotion, and I hope she showers you with prayers.

p.s. Do some reading on narcissistic personality disorder if you can, even if you just search it online…I really strongly suspect he has something like this.

Thank you once more…I appreciate all the help!

Let me tell you how he was when we first got married:
All of us-my brother and sister-used to work with my parents, I got paid with the clothes I wore, my brother and sister with money…He would come up to me and tell me that’s unfair that’s wrong blah blah blah, and egg on things like this with my siblings…Like “you shouldn’t work for your parents they are extortionists they pay you nothing not enough!” He hated seeing and knowing we had a good relationship and understanding and comprehension with each other, and a good strong solid ability to support each other…He hated that…He saw how my mother would mistreat me so he would egg me on that too…It was never ending…Before I knew it I rebelled against them moved to fl and didn’t care for my family at all for all of their abuse…Yes my family and I didn’t have a super closer perfect relationship yes my mother did mistreat me and yes we had issues but you know it was what I knew so it wasn’t bothering me that much you know?! Then when he came nothing was good enough any more… HE loved knowing I wouldn’t go to church because he was tired, or we had things to do etc…And he loved it knowing when I would go to church by myself I would feel bad coming home to him after I would leave without him…

It was never ending…I don’t know if that qualifies for that kind of disorder or whatever but let me tell you I tried to help him, guide him and bring him closer to GOD and it turned out the other way around… He’s a dark being…really dark…

 

[iluvmybabies]

I’m sorry. I think that all abusive men, read from the same books or something. lol I dated a guy as I have talked about in other threads, back in college–who was so similiar. He wanted me to cut off contact with friends, etc etc…which is why is in my PAST

That said, TRUST ME ON THIS–Your ex will NEVER sue you for sole custody. NEVER. Reason is that he will lose control over you then. Plus, he doesn’t want her living with him, with his ‘new’ family. It is heartbreaking that ‘fathers’ like him, even get such a title. But, IF he starts that again…EVER AGAIN…I would just keep writing back…I will not be harassed, I am taking this to a new level. Let him wonder what that means for a change.

This may sound out there, but I think in his warped way, he still loves you, iluv. Controlling, abusive men really don’t know how to express true love (like normal true love), but when they are obessed with a woman, fixated on her the way he seems to be with you, that is actually how they show love. I think his wife is just someone to take care of his bills, and him. I really believe that. If he didn’t miss you, or want to be with you, he would not say…‘my wife is better than you.’ You have to think like him a little. Again, abusive men don’t think like noraml non abusive men. If he was truly over you, he would contact you about your dd, be kind, not say things to get to you. But, there’s nothing you can do about it, except tell him, that you won’t tolerate his harassing ways anymore.

Abusive men only hurt women they “love.” I know that sounds weird, but it’s true. It would be somewhat interesting to see how he’d be if you had no children with him, and you refused to ever reply…just ignoring him. The guy I dated that was abusive…oh my gosh. When we finally ended things…I ended things…he stalked, begged, yelled at me…went from nice voicemails, to ‘you’re a %%$!@#$’ in the same voicemails, sometimes lol I just never ever replied. I wasn’t married and had no kids with the guy, obviously…so it was easy, unlike your situation. You have to tolerate the guy for the sake of your children. I remember the guy though coming UNGLUED. Kept calling me, threatening me, vascillating between being saccharin nice to threatening to hurt me. I never ever replied. Then, one day it all stopped…and I found out through the grapevine that he had another victim, I mean girlfriend. Then, he started up again to my surprise…the nice voicemails, etc…and I realized that whoeever he was dating, he still wanted me. This was his strange way of showing he cared…by stalking me. lol I know it sounds crazy, but this is how abusive people think. I finally had to tell him to leave me alone, or I’d call the police. He THEN left me alone. I know the type all too well, I wish I never had the experience, but it helped me to help other, I suppose. Moral of the story, if your husband was happy in his marriage, he wouldn’t be bugging you, still. It’s not about your dd, it’s about you. Buy some books on abusive men…relationships. You’ll see what I mean. The best reply to an abuser, is a minimal one, with no emotion. Work on that, when replying to him. Make things only about your children, not about you and him. If he makes a nasty comment about you, ignore it, and only focus on the kids. (and remind him that you’re saving these harassing emails)

I don’t want to cause you to dwell on this, but that’s what I think, actually. *

UGH the thought of that just makes me shiver!! I don’t even want to think about that but his abuse is never ending… He does that stuff to me all the time I mean all the time…Every email went from “the kids are doing great, A had to get glasses, AJ is still a daredevil, M is going all out with new finger nails!” lol ETc etc to “Please keep this about the children and you not about me and you, it’s a bit late to discuss things about us, please if you don’t I will block you!” THis was a constant threat to him, I am not kidding you! I was so frustrated all the time I would get his emails…But I think now he will keep his distance and all hopefully…Or just **** him off even more and egg him on…one or the other…

Even when I would just write to him quickly saying I was busy to talk at the moment he would continue it was annoying…

I hope things get better…thanks!

 

[iluvmybabies]

This is a very good idea. That way you have all of the documentation.

Don’t forget to add what the boys would like for Christmas. Since he asked, you should give him an idea or two. Make sure you don’t give away your best ideas, since most likely he won’t follow through.

Basically you want to be able to walk into court with your head held high, while he is scrambling to show that he is a father at least some of the time.

Thanks Maryjk, it’s appreciated… Definitely something to keep in mind and think about…Even though letting him know about what the boys want for Christmas 3 months in advanced kind of silly no?

 

[Liberanosamalo]

The thing about narcissists… they love to make promises they don’t actually have to carry out. I PROMISE you his new wife does NOT want to take care of your three children. He’s making a promise SHE would have to carry out.

I wonder if she even knows about that kind of threat. Don’t worry about it. “fathers” like that don’t ever really want to take care of the kids. It’s only about keeping them from you.

Yes, he’s still obsessed with you.

You don’t have to respond to him. You have a new fiance and better things to do.

That’s probably what is driving him crazy. The thought of you with someone else. He’s been with lots of women, but hasn’t had to deal with the idea of you remarried. It’s bugging him. So he’s going to use your daughter to get information about you.

You must tell her that anything he asks about your private life is off limits to her father.

And if she takes her anger at HIM out on you, get her in with a counselor. Kids erupt with the safe parent. I’ve put up with years of tantrums from children who are mad at their father.

It’s not fun.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Call it a 6th sense, but I have a feeling that is what his deal is…that he could never fully get over you. It doesn’t make sense otherwise, why he feels the need to berate you, call you names, and compare you to his current wife. Abusive men, remember, think differently. They look at fixation and control, as love. He still wants to control you, and is still fixated on you, and has the need to say things to upset you, or make you feel bad about yourself. I mean, why? He’s married now. Get on with your life, bud.

Hopefully, things will get better. He will become focused on becoming a better dad to his kids, and he will be become less focused on making you upset. I will pray for him, you, and your children. Hang in there. *

 

[iluvmybabies]

The thing about narcissists… they love to make promises they don’t actually have to carry out. I PROMISE you his new wife does NOT want to take care of your three children. He’s making a promise SHE would have to carry out.

I wonder if she even knows about that kind of threat. Don’t worry about it. “fathers” like that don’t ever really want to take care of the kids. It’s only about keeping them from you.

Yes, he’s still obsessed with you.

You don’t have to respond to him. You have a new fiance and better things to do.

That’s probably what is driving him crazy. The thought of you with someone else. He’s been with lots of women, but hasn’t had to deal with the idea of you remarried. It’s bugging him. So he’s going to use your daughter to get information about you.

You must tell her that anything he asks about your private life is off limits to her father.

And if she takes her anger at HIM out on you, get her in with a counselor. Kids erupt with the safe parent. I’ve put up with years of tantrums from children who are mad at their father.

It’s not fun.

Actually he doesn’t know I am with my fiance…A while back he thought we had broken up and I didn’t agree nor disagree…So he’s been assuming that I have been dumped and am alone…All this time… I am not telling him I am getting married, it’s none of his business…

I doubt she knows but a while ago she wrote to my daughter telling her she wanted to be her friend, my daughter wrote back telling her she was not ready for that…and the woman never wrote her back…

no it isn’t I believe you…she did that one time because of his 4 disney world trips and a nice engagement ring which looked like about 1 ct solitaire, I saw it I remember and it was zoomed in because he never gave me that he knew I had always asked him for a ring like that he never gave it to me…So he knew zooming it in would get me bothered but it didn’t because the man I am with got me an even better one! LOL Without me even asking him for a bigger or better one! Now that is pretty good! LOL So not like it had bothered me, yeah it kind of hurt a little because of that, you know I had always wanted that from my then husband but I really didn’t care…But it bothered my daughter a lot esp when he didn’t even send her a bday card or nothing at all…And yeah I had to take her to a counselor before she did something worst!!!

I will definitely keep that in mind. thanks!

 

[maryjk]

Thanks Maryjk, it’s appreciated… Definitely something to keep in mind and think about…Even though letting him know about what the boys want for Christmas 3 months in advanced kind of silly no?

Not silly, totally ridiculous. But if you give him an idea or two, it may shut him up. If not, then he can continue to email you to ask you for ideas. Cut him off at the pass.

 

[iluvmybabies]

*Call it a 6th sense, but I have a feeling that is what his deal is…that he could never fully get over you. It doesn’t make sense otherwise, why he feels the need to berate you, call you names, and compare you to his current wife. Abusive men, remember, think differently. They look at fixation and control, as love. He still wants to control you, and is still fixated on you, and has the need to say things to upset you, or make you feel bad about yourself. I mean, why? He’s married now. Get on with your life, bud.

Hopefully, things will get better. He will become focused on becoming a better dad to his kids, and he will be become less focused on making you upset. I will pray for him, you, and your children. Hang in there. *

It’s really hard to imagine him being obsessed about me when he explains how much he hates me lol and blames me for everything…but I just really hope he really is married and treats her well because I am sorry I wouldn’t be married to someone whom makes thousands of excuses to not send his kids anything nor see them at all…And his wife knows about my daughter’s spacepage, she wrote to her from there…Seriously! So it’s not like she doesn’t know if he writes or doesnt but I guess she just wants a father for her kids and now she has it…

I am hoping I am not bothered or upset anymore, I think I will be ok…Just trying to get him out of my mind you know?! Him and his deceiving self… UGH I don’t know what in the world I was thinking when I married him!! LOL And no matter how hard I tried to help him it just backfired on me!! Really disappointing you know!?? Thanks again for all the help and support…

 

[iluvmybabies]

Not silly, totally ridiculous. But if you give him an idea or two, it may shut him up. If not, then he can continue to email you to ask you for ideas. Cut him off at the pass.

Ok that sounds good will send him giving him a few ideas…thanks!!

 

[whatevergirl]

*iluv, you’re more than welcome. :hug1:

RE: his ‘now’ wife…I think that some women will marry ANYONE. I don’t mean that offeneively, but any woman who would marry a man who didn’t want to have anything to do with his kids, is not thinking straight. I don’t care if she’s wearing a canary yellow 3 carat rock**…she **probably bought it, considering he doesn’t have a job most of the time, from the sounds of it. Look at the news, women allow bf’s/husbands to beat/kill their kids, women who allow men to molest their kids, women like the one who married the Schiavio guy…remember him? I couldn’t believe that a woman would want to marry someone who was seeking to have his wife starved to death, ‘legally.’ But, there are so many women out there who want to be with ANY man, just a man…for whatever reason, I don’t know. But, obviously, they don’t feel good about themselves, so they just pick a man to fill the spot. Sad. Your ex is not a catch. The current wife is not ‘better off.’ She might be a nice person, but she doesn’t pick men wisely, from the sounds of it. And so it goes…

Your job now is to be a good mom to your kids, and to provide a path for him to be a good dad. What he does on that path–is up to him.

You have a full life, and a loving fiance. I hope things work out in that regard.*

 

[kage_ar]

Oh also should I give him my new home address or just leave him with the pobox?

.

The man has a right to know where is children live. If (God forbid) there were a horrible accident, he needs to know his children’s address.

How would you feel if you did not even know the street your kids lived on?

 

[Stjudeprayforus]

Wow… reading this thread makes me shiver.

My ex husband is the EXACTLY the same.

He used emails and recorded conversations to make any attempt to make me look like a horrible person when he wasnt paying child support, seeing our son or sending birthday cards or Christmas presents. His ‘concern’ had nothing to do with our son. His concern was only how the emails would make him look.

Good for you for responding in that email.

My ex hasnt seen or spoken to our son in over 5 years. Funny how once court proceedings were over… he didnt care to write such emails to me.

You did the right thing with that email. Good for you.

God bless you!

 

[iluvmybabies]

He hasn’t written back…now I know he’s working and it’s still early for him to wb, so I will wait to see what he says…If he doesn’t write anything back how should I take that as???

Thanks again for your advise!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

If he doesn’t write back, thank your lucky stars you don’t have to read it.

You can’t try to figure him out. It requires you to turn your brain inside out. Just figure no news is good news and a day without him in it is a sunny day.

 

[Speak_Up]

He hasn’t written back…now I know he’s working and it’s still early for him to wb, so I will wait to see what he says…If he doesn’t write anything back how should I take that as???

Thanks again for your advise!

Why are you sitting, waiting with bated breath to see if he responds? How many times have you checked your e-mail this morning, looking for a message from him?

Seems you are dwelling in the drama to me… maybe you thrive on it the same as he does. Perhaps not to the same level, but the fact that you’re anticipating the next shot so much that you posted just to tell us that indicates to me that as much as he may not be over you, you aren’t totally over your relationship with him, either.

Might be something to discuss with a counselor. If you are going to move forward into a new marriage in a healthy way, you have got to disengage from this emotional attachment you have to your ex.

 

[joandarc2008]

He hasn’t written back…now I know he’s working and it’s still early for him to wb, so I will wait to see what he says…If he doesn’t write anything back how should I take that as???

Thanks again for your advise!

If he doesn’t write back let the matter drop. If your dd asks you about it - tell her the truth. She is getting old enough to start understanding what is going on around her and start seeing her friends “date” or whatever those junior high kids call it. The more she sees of how bad this relationship went and how good the one with your df is the more likely she will be to marry a man like your df and less like your xh.