Fallen in love

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JohnJames

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Oh my Lord, please share Your wisdom, discernment and courage during this time in my life.

I’m 52, married 17-years with three children (ages 12,14,16). Always faithful to my wife, never even tempted until recently. Started when my family took into our home my mother-in-law dying of cancer. My wife, an only child and only relative in town, did not want to assume the responsibility for her mother - almost had a couldn’t be bothered, very self centered attitude about her care. Once in our home, my wife was somewhat delinquent being there for her mother - in all respects. Little time was spent with her, slow to accomodate her needs and too often indifferent to her mother’s needs. I assumed an increasing amount of that caretaking role for her mother, and actually came to know and deeply love her mom (who previously I had seen as the origin of all history’s mother-in-law jokes).

My wife arranged for a Eucharistic Minister 2-3 times weekly for her mother. This is how I came to first meet my spiritual friend (call her SF). She was so in ove with the Lord, and being single also at age 52 (never married) spent the majority of her free time in ministry for others. Though born and raised Catholic with 12-years of Catholic education, I never really assembled all my teachings and truly lived Catholic. Throughout mom-in-law’ illness we prayed endlessly together and witness what I truly believe were miracles together.

Mom-in-law passed away last August. What a glorious event. She died as my faith solidified as an undying commitment to our Lord. I now attend mass daily, adoration chapel daily, my view of the value and purpose of life all changed dramatically - so clearly directed for His purpose. During her last month, my wife too infrequently visited her mother. Still I visited her daily as best I could, just as my SF continued to bring her Eucharist. Needless to say, I was very dissapointed in my wife’s inability / unwillingness (not sure) to be there for her mother those last days. Very dissapointed, especially since we mom-in-law had become so dear to me.

My wife seemed to always resent SF’s being so much for her mother in ways she wasn’t. Still she asked SF, with such a loving and heart felt introduction of appreciatiation, to lead prayer at mom’s Rosary. Since the funeral my wife’s done everything to belittle and dismiss SF from our lives. The day of the funeral she, in front of family, accused SF and I of adultry. Please trust me here - absolutely no way! She’d invite her with other friends over the house and subsequently shun and belittle her in front of others. She’s valled her an “evil” influence and told me she “fears for my soul” over our friendship, even though SF continues to reach out and pray for my wife at mass, adoration, home… frequently.

I’ve been counseled by two priests on the situation who both concluded our friendship was exceptionally influenced by God as the makings of a “spiritual friendship”. Completely endorsed if managed properly (as we have). Something to be treasured.

Still reflecting back on my marriage since the funeral I now realize how much of iot was inbalanced. There had been no sexual intimacy for years. I found myself routinely motivated by manipulation and guilt. I was called a “born again Christian” by her in front of my children, with “nobody can stand them” associated with my faith presence in our home. I recall years of being disrespected, couples counseling… to no avail.

Now this morning, while attending 6:30 mass before work with SF I found myself for the first time developing feelings for SF. I felt compelled to hold her and tell her I love her. Never had I felt this form of attraction before.

So here I am, just a few hours from that moment feeling, as I have for months, that I hold little in the way of true love for my wife and question our future together. I so love my children and wold never want to hurt them, yet see our family environment in many respects more disruptive to their development than good. And now, I feel I’ve fallen in love with SF. Besides moving to Alaska, what’s this grown up alter boy to do? Need prayer I’m so confused…

God’s blessings on us all
 
What you need is to cut all ties with SF and have sex with your wife every day. Give it a try and be a good catholic. Afterall you wouldnt want to go to hell. 😃

And watch the movie “Towering Inferno”. Imagine burning in it every day simply because you gave way to your hormones at the last few decades of your life.

On the positive note, your story would make a good movie!
 
Oh, friend. You are about to convert a spiritual good into a curse. It may be that you can be true friends with SP–but only if you overcome this moment of temptation.

Do you believe in the devil? If something truly godlike is to spring from this travail, do you think the devil is happy about that? If you are truly growing in holiness, do you think he is going to sit back and let that happen? If SF is a good woman, do you think the devil is happy about that? Wouldn’t it be perfect for him if, through you, he accomplishes the downfull of this woman so long withheld from him? Have you ever read Screwtape Letters? The devil wants to feed on our souls, and in order to eat us forever to assuage his engorged insatiable appetite, he needs us to turn on each other and eat each other. Then he gets to feed.

This is the perfect temptation–it comes in a spiritual disguise. Beware Spirituality! It is only of the Spirit if it is pleasing to God.

As long as you truly love both SF and your wife you are OK.

WHAT IS LOVE?

It is not an emotion.

It is WILLING THE GOOD OF THE OTHER. Love is not about yourself, it is about the OTHER. If you really love SF, you have to seriously ask yourself what is the good for her.

Is it good for her to be excommunicated from Holy Communion? So she can live with you in sin?

How would that be good for SF, again? Hmmmmmmmmmmmm?

Is it good for your wife to be jealous of SF? So she can hate a good woman, revile and create more distance from her husband, and perhaps find herself looking for comfort elsewhere?

Do you want the result of all your goodness to your Mom-in-law, all SF’s goodness to her, to result in adultery, divorce and excommunication?

So how is that pleasing to God, again?

So even though your wife was not as good as you and SF toward the mom, you and SF will be worse than your wife with respect to marriage vows–a worse sin.

You say your wife accused you before there was any wrong inclination in you. WRONG! She accused you rightly–she was aware before you were aware, of the alienation of your affections.

You are lonely and disaffected from your spouse. You do not respect her unworthy treatment of the mother you came to esteem.

Your wife is not all she could be. Your marriage is not great. This is not good; and I wish it could be otherwise. Maybe it can be–if you direct yourself in service and also calm leadership toward your wife.

Not if you take consolation in this good SF. Don’t take her down with you into a commonness that damns. Continue to be special with her–a true friendship includes God as the most important of the three friends.

Otherwise, if you cannot do this, you must sever all ties with her. Seriously.

Blessings on all three of you.
 
If you truly think you love this woman - LET HER GO. To bring her into a sinful situation (even if there is no sex, there can still be infidelity), would be to do this wonderful woman a horrible injustice.

Turn to your wife. She is the other half of you - not this SF. Love your wife as Christ loves His Church. Nurture that love, and make sure she knows there is NO ONE ELSE in your life but her.

This is your vow - this is your vocation. No one ever said it would be easy or full of fluttery feelings in the tummy all the time. Love is sacrafice.

Tell SF that you think the time has come for you two to part ways. She came into your life when you needed her, and now that need is no longer present. Time to move on and get back to your own life.

You know what the right thing to do is - otherwise you would not be asking a bunch of strangers on the Internet. 😉

It will be sad and hard - but you need to let her go. For the sake of your wife, your children, your marriage, and your soul.

Be strong. You can do it.

God Bless,

~Liza
 
I’m sorry that you’ve gone through all this.

Attraction, compatibility, chemistry, all these are outside our control. But love is within our control. Nobody “falls” in love — you must choose to love. You can’t help being compatible with your friend, nor can you help the fact that attraction or chemistry are there. But love is a decision, and your decision was cemented when you exchanged wedding vows with your wife. Your friend could have been a good match for you in the abstract sense, but she is the wrong woman for you here in the real world because you are married to someone else.

Unfortunately, that part is the simple part (simple, not easy). The complicated part is rebuilding your connection with your wife. I don’t know how to do that, but I do know that it’s a separate issue – your friend plays no role in the equation. Strengthening your marriage must be your priority. Even if you broke off your friendship with this woman, some other woman will prove a temptation in the future unless you do something to make your marriage stronger.
 
Gamera said:
Strengthening your marriage must be your priority. Even if you broke off your friendship with this woman, some other woman will prove a temptation in the future unless you do something to make your marriage stronger.
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Excellent point!!! 👍

~Liza
 
Thank you all. I’ve received such immediate clarity that I’m embarassed even posting the topic! My impressions of this confused moral dilemma suddenly clear as to the real issues: temptation, ministry calling as husband and father, balance in God’s gift with SF.

SF is strong - her life clearly dedicated to Christ’s calling. My temporary weakness, I certain, would have a difficult time jeopardizing her faith. Onominous as this is, Forum, please know and remember SF as seperate, distinct and in no way contributing to my 6-hour weakness.

Thank you all for your wisdom conveying God’s will in overwhelming consensus. Nice knowing my dilemma is more an opportunity to demonstrate my complete dedication to our Lord and His ministry while recognizing powers at play desperately dedicated to derailing His people.

God bless!!!
 
Here is something to encourage your faithfulness to your wife:

Think that SF has a very slim chance of returning your affection. Yeah it may seem that she is flirting with you sometimes, but you are old enough to realize some women are like that to many men! doesnt mean they are intimately interested! So if you confess your love, chances are you are gonna get one hell of a slap. So save yourself from complete embarassment. Forget about it. 😃
 
Thanks AgnosTheist, but both your comments seem a bit off point to me. Righteousness, not a threatened slap, compel me!

Blessings,

JJ
 
JJ,

I think one of the Gospel’s read, in the past few months spoke some really good words for you. Remember, it was the one where 7 brothers married the same women and they all died. The questions was who would really be her husband in heaven? The answer was, their are no husbands or wives in heaven, we will all be brothers and sisters in Christ.

Love this Sister in Christ enough to make sure she gets to heaven. Love your wife and yourself, who are, not two but one flesh in God’s eyes, enough to get you both to heaven too.👍

The Bible says:

James 4:7-8 “So submit yourselves to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you of two minds.”

I am not saying your new found sister is the devil, but “The more time you are able to give God, the more Blessings and Strength he is able to give to you”.
 
JJ
I’m 52,
married 17-years
with three children (ages 12,14,16).

Were you previously married? I see you’ve been married since you wre 40. That sounds like a commital problem …maybe.

Your age reflects a man who has remained an adolescent, making your actions quite imature. I hope I die by the time I’m your age, 6 years, if this happens to me. Better be dead than lose the love of my wife and children.

Three [3] beautiful daughters? What the “H” “E” Double Toothpicks are you thinking!?:eek: Have you seen what happens to fathers that betray the mother of their children - especially daughters? Your life is over and trust this…you will be miserable for the rest of your life. I’ve seen it too many times.

If you make an effort you can mend your relationship with your wife. Suggestions:
got to

e5men.org/ [taken from Ephesians 5]
retrouvaille.org/ [counseling for couples to save marriages]
domestic-church.com/ [teach you about the your life with wife and children]

If you love your daughters, PLEASE do the right thing and cut the temptation out. Pray and make sacrifices for your spouse. It will truly help your spirituality. Fast at least once a month and give yourself to her…her alone. Fast for your daughters, that they may find a better man than yourself. Where do you think this will lead? Your daughter will draw their lack of trust from your actions and it will surely potentially ruin their lives. That’s 5 women’s lives ruined because you haven’t had relations with your wife in several years. Well, make a move and do it for God. Do it for her. Give of yourself and stop being self-serving.

I will do a novena for you and fast for your wife and 3 daughters. They will need all the strength they can get once you screw this thing up called the domestic church. You’re supposed to be the bishop of the domestic church. Act like it. Go take a cold shower.
 
Last thing…you should consider praying to the Blessed Mother. Think about her when you see your wife, daughters and the other woman. How do you think the Blessed Mother will see you as well? If your gut doesn’t make you want to puke then you need spiritual help. Pray to St. Joseph, who endured many hardships, including remaining chaste for the Blessed Mother and God. He also endured many trials living in hardship.

Joseph, most chaste, Pray for us.

I’m serious about the novena and the fasting. This has brought tears to my eyes. My heart is very heavy. You are offending God, the Blessed Mother, all the Angels and Saints and your own wife and children. How could you not see the pervertedness?
 
JohnJames said:
So here I am, just a few hours from that moment feeling, as I have for months, that I hold little in the way of true love for my wife and question our future together.
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Feelings don’t matter; you made a commitment on your wedding day. Get help and do what it takes to make good on your vows.
—KCT
 
Vocatio,

I think your heart is in the right place, but you are seriously lacking one thing: compassion.

It takes two people to make a marriage work, and you assume that if only he would stop being self-serving, all would be well. Has it occurred to you that there are fundamental problems in the marriage that leave him emotionally wanting.

Emotional fulfillment is a human need, and when one does not receive it in the marriage, he or she is vulnerable to becoming attracted to someone else.

What JohnJames needs is not to be scolded, but to be encouraged not to stray, to be strong in the face of human weakness even though it is oh so difficult.

My advice to you, JohnJames, is to distance yourself from SF until you can get a handle on your feelings. And if couples counseling is not working or your wife won’t cooperate, get counseling on your own. You must find a way to improve your marriage or learn to cope with what it is. But you must remain faithful.
 
Whoo, what an extremely judgemental lot just came alive here!

First, I was married at 35 (52-17), not 40. It was my first. Second, please watch the stones. I have not sinned and will not sin. I’ve been tempted. I recognized and retreated to contemplate and study where I am, what God’s telling me and where I go from here.

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves throwing such ill informed commentary around. I receive my best guidance contemplating WWJD. Honestly, fellow Christians, I feel closer than I perceive many of you to be today. Please take your respoinsibility to this sight properly or remove yourselves if not suited to the role as representative to our faith. All I read of Christ is Love, Humility and complete dedication to the Father. No where in his example do I see such grandstanding of faith. I pray your spiritual directive finds loving compassion to His children!
 
First…let me say that you are brave to ‘confess’ this here. I’m sorry that you are fighting temptation, right now.

If I could give you some advice…

Whenever confronted with such things…think of what it might look like if your wife knew this–the pain and angst it would cause. The fun will be fleeting (if this woman would partake of it) but the end result will never be ‘undone.’ Read some of the threads on here of the absolute devestation that adultery brings into a home…even if it is ‘just a woman’s intuition.’ 😦 Sin doesn’t just envelope us…it * slowly seduces *us…like it is doing now to you. The sin varies, but it creeps up on us, until we are in it. Actually, sin just doesn’t happen to us–we have to accept it and choose it. Ouch, but that’s the truth. :o

I liken it to holding a frog over a pot of cold water. You put the frog in, and the frog does not immediately jump out…slowly, you turn the burner up (sin starts to escalate)…and the frog STILL doesn’t jump out…then you finally blast the flame until the pot is now boiling over (mortal sin has taken over), and surely…then, the frog leaps out…fighting for its life. That is like sin. It is a slow flickering flame, and we actually have the power to control those burners. Shut the burner off…and dismiss this spiritual friend from your life. She served a wonderful purpose in your family–now it’s time to bid her goodbye. Some relationships are not meant to last forever in our lives. Your wife and family come first…even though things are not perfect there (what marriage is?) …you owe it to them to remain faithful.

I pray for you…life can be tough sometimes, but with God, all things are possible. Now, go and turn that burner off;)

PS: And I’d highly recommend you and your wife have some ‘date’ nights…or some away trips…just the two of you. And possibly seek couples counseling…sometimes, two people in a marriage just got turned around–it’s time to face each other, and remember why you got married in the first place. God bless you both, and I pray for a healthy and holy new start for the two of you!
 
Oh, one more thing…God would never tell you to do something against His Word. He would never tell you to cheat on your spouse. He would never send a woman your way to tempt you away from your marriage–God does not tempt–He may test us, but never tempt. Whenever you’re in doubt, hold God’s word up to it as a sort of litmus test, and your answer will be very clear. Again…God be with you.
 
JohnJames, It seems to me that you have two problems here, not one.

The first is the growing loss of respect and sympathy for your wife. I think if you can address that one, the second one (the inappropriate feelings - or admiration run amuck- for SF) will find its proper balance.

You know where to begin: the Confessional.

Then there is a little booklet I am going to suggest you read. It’s by John Barger of Sophia Institute Press: “Do You Love Me?” - read it, and then ask God to show you what you have done to wound your wife’s heart over the years. As you discover ways you’ve been unkind or insensitive, mend your ways.

Learn to actively love your wife - learn her “Love Language” and do your best to learn to speak it (within reason, if that preferred demonstration is through tangible gifts).

In this instance, Love is, indeed, a choice - you choose to serve your wife, to become a Christ for her. Listen to Christopher West’s cd’s on the Theology of the Body for inspiration.

Until you have recovered your love for your wife, your SF must be abandoned. You may pray for her, but until you recover the balance of your respect and admiration without being disloyal to the woman you made sacred promises to, years ago, you must not indulge in the friendship - it has become a near occasion of sin for you.

These are not easy, but I am convinced they are the only way you will find peace. God bless you and direct your steps.
 
Your wife made some serious deductions from your love bank and it took an emotional toll on you.

A bright, smiley, happy woman deposited some gold into your love bank and now you’re confused.

If you stop spending time with SF, you will begin to wonder why you ever felt that way.

www.marriagebuilders.com
 
JohnJames said:
SF is strong - her life clearly dedicated to Christ’s calling. My temporary weakness, I certain, would have a difficult time jeopardizing her faith. Onominous as this is, Forum, please know and remember SF as seperate, distinct and in no way contributing to my 6-hour weakness.
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Hi JJ,
First, I agree with the ideas of Confesssion and prayer (along with Communion) being great weapons in this battle. Now, please be careful, even if SF is strong she is still human. I agree with the advice to step back away from SF, even if you feel she was instrumental in bringing you closer to the Faith. Its hard to fall in love with someone if you don’t spend time with them, and your heart is not free to fall in love with anyone except your wife. Who knows, it may even help out with your wife!
 
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