Fallen in love

[kevinsgirl]

I’ve followed this thread and to the OP, I’m glad that you have so many positives from your friendship with this person, but even with the benefits you’ve listed today, I think you should reconsider your boundaries with SF. Not just because of the passing temptation, but because your wife has felt that something is not right between the two of you. Marriage makes you vulnerable as you trust your spouse to be faithful just as you are faithful. If I felt my husband’s friendship with a woman was inappropriate, I would want him to end that relationship…never mind any positives. And I know he would do it. While SF may be a very holy and wonderful woman, she is aware of your wife’s publicly expressed suspicions, and she should avoid you as well. If SF truly wishes to help you become a stronger Catholic, she will distance herself while keeping you in her prayers. The same for you. You can spiritually assist someone without your physical presence. Up to now you may have only experienced temptations, but they will continue and your wife’s concerns will grow if you do not distance yourself.

It is not unheard of for a married man to be friends with an unmarried woman innocently. But I think if their are concerns about adultery and temptations have occurred, it is no longer healthy to preserve the friendship…especially at the cost of your marriage.

God gave you your wife to be your spiritual friend and growing spiritually through your marriage is your path to heaven and your vocation.

God bless.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

While SF may be a very holy and wonderful woman, she is aware of your wife’s publicly expressed suspicions, and she should avoid you as well.

Kevin’sGirl, you are very correct. And this is where they are verging on giving scandal. Public scenes, and the two BFFs kneeling at morning mass at the parish… it doesn’t look right to others and will be cause for scandal. A truly Godly woman would flee that for her own reputation and out of love for the family she is claiming to help.

“We’re not doing anything wrong!” can quickly become “We didn’t mean for this to happen.”

 

[dulcissima]

“Deep within yourself, listen to your conscience which calls you to be pure . . . a home is not warmed by the fire of pleasure which burns quickly like a pile of withered grass. Passing encounters are only a caricature of love; they injure hearts and mock God’s plan.”- Pope John Paul II "

“Don’t be such as coward as to be ‘brave.’ Flee!” - St. Josemaria Escriva

“As soon as you willfully allow a dialogue with temptation to begin, the soul is robbed of peace, just as consent to impurity destroys grace.” - St. Josemaria Escriva

“More souls go to hell because of sins of the flesh than for any other reason.”- Our Lady of Fatima

…

Just wanting you to realize how serious what you are playing with here is. I’ve been vulnerable, and I have faced temptation, temptation that was clothed in all of the splendor of heaven, but in the end it is still the same temptation that anyone who would commit adultery would face. You have no idea the pull and how difficult it is to back away when you are so close to it. You are in a place of relative safety right now, but I just don’t think you understand how close to the edge you are, or what the chain reaction of consequences will be. You have control right now…but take a few more steps and you will find that you are totally out of control. There are souls at stake here.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

I also wanted to point out that these things happening are great, but you really don’t need SF around to do them or to get closer to God. She may have been the instrument God used to get you back on track to begin with, but now that you are realizing what you had been “missing out” on, you can seek that relationship with God without SF. She sounds like a wonderful person, so for both her sake and your own, along with that of your family (if indeed your wife felt threatened by her presence) its probably time to move on to working on getting you and your family closer to God (like we all need to do ). If you need her at this point to get closer to God, then there is something wrong…
BTW, all the changes you have mentioned are awesome and a lot of us could learn from them and should start implementing them too

 

[iamrefreshed]

Wow. That’s quite a turn around from post #1 to post #34!

If you are still considering seeing this other woman (I refuse to use your term) I strongly suggest you stop before you ruin your family.

Many of us here may seem harsh, but the fact is we would do whatever is in our power to prevent your wife from feeling the debilitating stab of betrayal. It is a horrible feeling. One I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

 

[whatevergirl]

Okay all, we’re done. I do not appreciate the assumptions, the extrapolations, the probes into my wife’s psyche, the insinuating of lies to my wife / children / SF / self… the implications weakness and likely surrender to becomming of me.

I thank all of you, but especially those who have opened their hearts and offered prayers to me and all involved. To the pointed others, I suggest prayer and discernment before blasting ill-motivated responses.

Concluding remarks to all who seem to automatically revert to the evils of this:

I have come to know God as never before.
At age 52, grade school and high school make sense!
I find myself seeking an adoration chapel rather than having lunch.
I have seen angels following mass protecting God’s alter.
I’ve seen materialism, greed and self centeredness give way to a desperate embrace of faith as mom-in-law’s health waned
I have experienced that moment of transition of this life to His in the passing of mom-in-law
I live my life differently now and have changed through influence acceptable language within my office, and have even solicited a “God Bless” from one co-worker.
I seek opportunities often detrimental to others’ image of me standing up for Christ.
I go to Wal Mart just for the joy of eliciting a smile from strangers.
I have reached out to my parents, one now seriously ill and have shown them God’s love with a “pat on the back” for a job well done.
Parents know and love SF as SF
I prayed our first rosary together with my wife last week, and pray with her routinely now.
I witness my wife now at mass and adoration daily, often with me.
My children have seen my faith conversion and all its dramatics and know it as true and important.
I listen to different music. Now my wife listens to different music.
I had all three of my children with my wife and I at mass on Sunday - first time in years!
I’ve been a witness to miracle after miracle - God’s touch of endorsement for paths I follow sometimes in doubt.
I heard my wife say, “JJ, SF has the gift of healing” following a miracle moment last week and SF’s being there for my wife in prayer.
I am sleeping with my wife, loving my wife, and eliciting her change: “Follow me in love following the Lord, but never will I give up the truth of my being for you”
And I know that marriage, by God’s law, more means discipline than fleeing another of His followers out of fear!

Know God’s work in my confession of this momentary temptation, and be in kindness and love as taught.

God bless,

JJ

JohnJames–there is only room for one woman in your marriage… You and your wife should be each other spiritual friends…you don’t need this other woman. And, it’s not love you are most likely in…it’s infatuation…Love usually takes more time to cultivate…feelings like smitten and infatuation are often mistaken for love. As long as this other woman is in the picture here–you will always be internally comparing your wife to her…even if you don’t mean it…we are not designed to have people compete for our attention in marriage. Your wife comes first. And, if this woman is as spiritual and religious as you say–she will stop hanging around you, without your wife.

I say everything with charity…we care about our brothers and sisters in Christ…and just want to help you on your walk. God bless you–I think you will do the right thing…it may seem tough at first, but with God, all things are possible.

 

[mschrank]

Thanks AgnosTheist, but both your comments seem a bit off point to me. Righteousness, not a threatened slap, compel me!

Blessings,

JJ

Well, burning forever in hell would sure as h-e-double toothpicks compel me.

 

[Gamera]

Has if ever occurred to you that some of us know where this leads? Is he really fighting temptation? I hope so. But summing up the entire sick…and it is sick because sin is sick…“affair” from 4 months ago on another post no same subject shows that he is giving in to it by making himself available by going to mass with this woman. He’s not “avoiding the near occasion of sin”. Why is this so difficult for your to undestand Gamera?

Looks like you are NOT following your own preaching to me. Sounds like you are drawing from your own exerience to show that we shouldn’t draw from our own experiences. How hypocritical again and serves to justify this older man’s temptation.

Confronting temptation in the confessional and in prayer is what needs to take place…not smear it all over the world. In order for a relationship to grow it must be nurtured. We must give sacrificially of ourselves, especially during the dry times. This relationship we call love is a two way street. I could elaborate from experience on that but choose not to for now. I too have been in a relationship that did not seem open…but patiently waiting my wife left her childhood faith and opened up to the possiblity that Catholicism is in fact true. Now we are closer than ever before. Even though I knew there was a gap, I still elevated her to dignity, worthy or not. I also want to suggest reading Epidemic: How Teen Sex Is Killing Our Kids by Dr. Meg Meeker. The title in my parish bulliten reads "How Dads can Help Raise strong Daughters. This man has 3 daughters. I only have one. His example with either positively or adversly affect his teenage daughters. This is more than about him. It’s about 6 people and God.

I find nothing here “difficult to understand.” I just don’t project personal baggage onto this man’s situation as other seem to be doing. Just because someone disagrees with your assessment doesn’t mean they find things “difficult to understand.”

How exactly is it “hypocritical” of me to cite an example of similar behavior? That isn’t “hypocrisy.” Hypocrisy in this instance would be if I had compared dissimilar behavior, which I didn’t.

How did I “justify this man’s temptation?” By telling him that it was good to confront his temptation and fight it?

 

[vocatio]

People see what they want to see : some posters probably half-read a couple of paragraphs, then thought, “This man wants to have an affair! I’ll set him straight!”

Amazing, isn’t it, how eager people are to project their own life experiences and issues onto others. Once on another “Catholic” board, I posted that I enjoyed being popular with women back in my single days, and you should have seen the venomous replies — that I was “predatory,” that I “must have been an ugly child,” that they “hoped I learned that dating isn’t a sport” — unbelievable insanity. And this from people who bore screen names of Saints!!! It was like the old Ozzy Osbourne lyric, “People around me talking to the walls inside.”

Don’t take replies like that to heart. They aren’t directed at you. You are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing – confronting temptation and fighting it. Good for you.

Just thought I’d remind you what you said. And I responded with the knucklehead punch. And to quote Ozzy Osbourne lyrics…need I say more? You such a touchy feely person. I guess that’s why you were popular with the girls. I can’t help but laugh at this…smooth move exlax.

All this **** you say coming from the HEART?..yea right. Some of us have shead a little experience on the board thinking about the woman that should matter to JJ. The children, little girls, that should matter, and I agree that calling the other woman is much better than referring to her at a “spiritual friend”. My wife is my spiritual friend. Haven’t heard one peap about your children. I reread you earlier posts and you sounded okay…then this one…I responded because you are accusing us of being “judgemental” or something along that line. Someone needs to go back to kindergarten to learn the basics. Women DO NOT LIKE OTHER WOMEN TAKING THEIR HUSBANDS TIME AND ATTENTION AWAY FROM THEM…because the wife is supposed to be the woman in the center of attention of the man’s life …not the other way around…makes be think about the way you enjoyed "being popular with the ladies. Sound like you’re a “LADIES MAN”. SNL Remember the movie. Need any more EXLAX Smooth move?

 

[Katie1723]

… Women DO NOT LIKE OTHER WOMEN TAKING THEIR HUSBANDS TIME AND ATTENTION AWAY FROM THEM…

I think it’s funny that the woman seems to be blamed the most. The man had a “small” part in this too I believe.

Kathy

 

[vocatio]

You are looking at my statement from a woman’s point of view. I am saying that as a man [JJ]…take responsibility for your own thoughts, good and bad. I’m saying that he needs to not treat his wife like the evil one because she has a right to be offended on this one. If I started spending too much time gazing at and spending time with another woman in let’s say RCIA or Choir, she’d get miffed very quickly. That’s why it is forbidden for a man to sponsor a woman or visa versa - assuming they are not a married couple. Dahhhhh…

Your interpretation of my comment is way off base, personallizing it as if the woman is being blamed - the oposite is true.

If I were talking to a man the converse would be true. Let’s get it right people…

 

[Gamera]

Just thought I’d remind you what you said. And I responded with the knucklehead punch. And to quote Ozzy Osbourne lyrics…need I say more? You such a touchy feely person. I guess that’s why you were popular with the girls. I can’t help but laugh at this…smooth move exlax.

All this **** you say coming from the HEART?..yea right. Some of us have shead a little experience on the board thinking about the woman that should matter to JJ. The children, little girls, that should matter, and I agree that calling the other woman is much better than referring to her at a “spiritual friend”. My wife is my spiritual friend. Haven’t heard one peap about your children. I reread you earlier posts and you sounded okay…then this one…I responded because you are accusing us of being “judgemental” or something along that line. Someone needs to go back to kindergarten to learn the basics. Women DO NOT LIKE OTHER WOMEN TAKING THEIR HUSBANDS TIME AND ATTENTION AWAY FROM THEM…because the wife is supposed to be the woman in the center of attention of the man’s life …not the other way around…makes be think about the way you enjoyed "being popular with the ladies. Sound like you’re a “LADIES MAN”. SNL Remember the movie. Need any more EXLAX Smooth move?

No, you won’t hear one peep about my children. I won’t discuss them with an internet stranger who clearly has emotional problems.

I never said one word about anybody being “judgmental.” What I said was that some people don’t read posts thoroughly – a point which you’ve just proven.

Your 5th grade bathroom humor suggests that you are not someone with whom I care to exchange further posts. My prior posts speak for themselves. Have a nice day.

 

[vocatio]

Concern noted. I’m not very funny but was actually trying to be funny. I apologize…but will send you privately my view of what’s going on here. I hope it does not offend but rather causes growth.

I think a lot of sincere …well meaning people have shed their souls on here and will be if not already are offended by some of the jabs you’ve made. I am. But that is a reflection of my woundedness from sin. I am still going through extrem conversion that began in October 2006. I’ve converted from a very strict and demanding faith considered a Fundamental Evangelical Christian group that constantly Preaches to anyone and everyone to save their souls. It’s force of habit. And if stepping on toes gets someone to think “hey, I’m doing something wrong” then Praise God! Coming back to being Catholic is difficult. I still have issues with many cradle Catholics that fail to convert…see it on here constantly. My previous faith condemns not judging, but rather sinners that fail to reamain chaste in their marriage. Divorce is NOT an option. But I am going beyond a bit trying to be charitable, which I believe slapping someone up side the head [using one of my other 5th grade bathroom humor tones] is acceptable if if works. I’m learning. Be patient with knuckleheads that mean well. I live my faith out with fear and trembling. I do not want to be judged in the end for not speaking out and offering up the most embarrassing moments of my life to help someone else.

God love you. Please accept my apology and just avoid interacting with me if I offend you so deeply.

PAX tecum bonum.

Mark

 

[jrabs]

I am left wondering why the OP insists on continuing communication with SF? Why do his parents even know SF?

I find that dangerous and harmful to a marriage.

Please OP - if you do decide to come back to the forum, seriously consider cutting off all contact with SF.

 

[Vanny]

JohnJames, I have nothing but great compassion for you.
I’m sorry you feel some have been judgemental. There are some of us who have an idea what you are going through.

BUT-you must cut SF out of your life right away- If she is truly a Godly woman she will understand. I don’t believe that God would ever bring someone into someones life as long as their spouse was still living. As a woman myself, I Believe that SF knows you are attracted to her- us women can usually sense those things- unless you’ve done an exceptional job of hiding it. I agree with those who say your wife comes first, and only your wife.

I am the child of a Dad who left my mom for another woman. (38 years ago when I was 13)
When I was an adult- he gave me all the supposedly good reasons why this other woman was a better wife than my mom
(mom was a terrible housekeeper,ect.) But you know what-The Day he moved out it HURT-and I had self esteem issues and issues trusting men all my life. I’m NOT saying your going to do that-please understand- But continuing to have any thing to do with SF-even just as friends-is playing with fire. Just my:twocents: And cultivate your relationship with your wife.
The others were right about one thing- You wife either conciously or unconciously knew your feeling for SF which may have driven her attitude-during you moms illness-knowinglyly or unknowingly. she probably felt she was competing for who is more spiritual and the better caregiver, you know?(and SF won)
Sounds harsh but get rid of SF!!-ask God to help you-and work to improve your marriage. SF will understand if she is truly a woman of God.

 

[Vanny]

I also want to add that sometimes one need not be spiritually deficient for such tempations to grab us- for one thing we are still all(sinful) humans- but also sometimes when one is making the best spiritual progress(i.e. getting closer to God)- they will be ATTACKED by dark spiritual forces.
We’ve all seen it happen in lives of prominent spiritual people-
The Bible warns us -be careful if you think you stand- lest you fall, and also the Devil is like a prowling lion looking for those to devour-The OP could be a very Godly, good man- but
If the OP were to succumb to this - lives could be destroyed both here and in perhaps in eternity.
We always need to be on guard against these kind of things-no matter how much spiritual progress we think we are making.

 

[turtle18]

Forgive me I haven’t read all the posts and skipped to the last page. You accused several posters of being “harsh” and “judgemental” but isn’t that how you are towards your wife? All I see you doing in your post is listing a lot of negative stuff about your wife. How did you manage to meet your SF? Your wife arranged to have the Lord brought to her mother 2-3 times a week. If your wife didn’t care for her mother, why would she be worried about her spiritual welfare at all? Why would she even arrange to have Communion brought to her? Even if things were patchy between them, she still tried to reunite her Mom with Jesus in the final weeks of her life. You need to look more closely at your wife. Quit judging her intentions.

 

[turtle18]

You say you are spending so much time at Church and Adoration. Did you ever think God put this situation in your path to see if you and the other woman would be loyal to Him? To see if you really loved Him enough to let it go or not let it fester? How many times a day do you think about this woman? When you think about her, do you block the thought and meditate on something else, like God?

 

[lizaanne]

JJ- you may contact a moderator and request that your thread be closed if you wish. You can PM them, or click on the little red triangle button on the last post and get them that way.

I wish you the best - I know you are trying to do the right thing. Will keep you in my prayers.

~Liza

 

[vocatio]

Praying for you…tomorrow is day three of a novena of rosaries for you and your family.

Pax.