Family Bed

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Our three little ones have slept with us. My 16 month old is still there- though in the Fall she’ll be moved either to a toddler bed right next to our bed, or a twin bed pushed up against our bed- as I am due with our next child in December.

I don’t remember who it was who was concerned with their child (8 month old?) not sleeping through the night… but- the time I have found with my children and my friend’s attatchment parented children- is that they begin to more routinely sleep through the night around 22 months. Very often around that 8-9 month old stage and for the next several months, their night waking will actually increase, as they are spending more time throught the day separated from you- because of crawling and walking. Around 22 months the huge developments in gross motor skills really slows down and they really seem to be more secure in the newly achieved freedom- also the constant barrage of new teeth slows down.

I have to say- with number three- I just don’t even think about it- her sleep is not even on my radar. She will sleep as well or as badly as she will-- and all I can do is try my best to create a favorable environment. With our first, however, we spent so much time, peace, and energy trying to “fix” his sleeping… in retrospect, it would have been easier just to surrender it and try to be as nuturung as possible. Our culture is obsessed with baby sleep- it is very bizarre- as though it is a measure of how good of a parent you are… I don’t understand how that happened…

And not at all passing judgement on other’s decisions, but for us, we try to move our children out of our bed into an adjacent bed (and then eventually move bed and child into another room together with their siblibgs) by around age two- I was reading St. John Vianney (Sermons of the Cure de Ars)- and that was his instruction to his parishoners. I felt very convicted by that and prayerfully came to the conclusion that that was right for our family. Just to share what was laid on my heart-- not at all a critique of others choices-- as each parents know their children and situation best!!
 
There is an unfortunate tendency in our society to sexualize everything. I think that is the root of a lot of the opposition to co-sleeping.

We have three kids. The oldest only slept well with us(particularly with his mother). We eventually got him to sleep in the crib by removing one side and pushing it up against our bed. After about a month we reintroduced the side of the crib, but kept it up against the bed. Then several weeks later we separated the crib from the bed.

Co-sleeping seems to build a better bond, but it can be difficult for parents who are light sleepers.
 
Thank you so much sgavlanek and shanmcatholic and everyone for sharing and advice, the little one just starting crying now as I speak…ding ding round 1 🙂
Peace
 
I very strongly disagree with all posters to this thread. When my daughter was an infant, my mother (of 6 children) told me not to let her sleep in our bed. I thought she was cold and heartless, and continued to let our daughter sleep with us. But it became a very difficult habit to break. Now that I am wiser and older, I realize that we never should have done it. I am now a firm believer that you don’t let children develop bad habits because the longer they have a bad habit, the harder it is to break the habit. (Same is true for adults!) Besides, there are so many messages you should be teaching your child (by your actions and parenting) but which you are not if you let them sleep in the same bed. For example,

–how to comfort themselves
–how to unwind and fall asleep on their own
–that Mommy and Daddy have a special relationship together and need private time together.
–that Mommy and Daddy have their own bed, and you do too.
 
My wife and I have 3 children. All have slept in our bed as infants. The youngest is still in our bed (9 months) and the older 2 migrated to their own beds without much trouble at all. In fact, we treated the event as a “growing up” step for them and they loved the idea of knowing they were ‘graduating’ to their own big-boy and big-girl bed. I truly believe that the experience of sleeping in our bed gave them the confidence and comfort of knowing we are always there - enabling (not inhibiting) their move to their own room.

Mike
 
La Chiara:
–how to comfort themselves
–how to unwind and fall asleep on their own
–that Mommy and Daddy have a special relationship together and need private time together.
–that Mommy and Daddy have their own bed, and you do too.
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La Chiara
First of all, I don’t think most people who advocate the family bed would try to push it on anybody who isn’t comfortable with it. If you resent you child being in your bed, it’s probably not a great idea (though I’d have to ask why one would resent their child wanting to be comforted by them).

As many posts here have indicated, lots of us find this to be very rewarding and successfully transition children to their own bed without great fuss. Furthermore…

–how to comfort themselves
But you see, this isn’t natural. Children come out of the womb TOTALLY dependent on us for food, cleaning, love AND comfort. Why must we force them to feel that there ‘on their own’ right from the beginning. This is amodern western ethos, not a Christian one.

–how to unwind and fall asleep on their own
Depending on the temperament of your child this just doesn’t work for many babies and is absolutely unnatural. Only in recent modern times with multi-bedroom homes has ‘putting them in their own room’ even been possible. Throughout history, (and even today) in most cultures families share their sleeping space with their little ones. Only in the hyper-indiviualistic (and thoroughly decedant) modern west do you hear protests of needing ‘MY’ space. Letting them fall asleep on their own is usually achieved by one of the ‘cry it out’ methods, which rather than teaching them to comfort themselves, teaches them to give up calling out for help. What they likely end up learning is ‘When I call out for help, no one is there.’ Is this how we’d like God to respond to us? ‘Hey, I know you need me, but I need my own space so figure it out for yourself.’ No thanks. I’ll stick with (and keep advocating) giving generously of my time and energy to my children even during sleep time.

Steve
 
La Chiara,

The family bed is certainly not for everyone, it is a personal decision, if a parent resents having the child in bed with them then for sure the family bed is not for that family.

Our older three never slept with us but they slept in our room in their cribs for the first year of their lives and we had no problems switching them into their own rooms.

Our youngest (#4) had very bad colic from day one and needed a huge amount of comforting, he needed tight swaddling and everytime I put him in his cradle or crib that close swaddling of his blanket would loosen up and he would scream like crazy, I was getting no sleep at all and not able to deal with my older children, so when baby was 4 months I fianlly brought him to bed with me and now he is 14 months, I did not intend for it to go on this long and have been working on getting him to nap in his crib so we can slowly get him to sleep their if he wants, but, I can’t stand his crying, it does not irritate me but makes me cry, when he feels scared I totally feel for him and I want to comfort him more than anything. He loves being with us at night, my husband was nervous that he might lay on him so now we pushed our bed to the wall and baby lays against the wall with mom in the middle instead of baby in the middle and dad feels much better. If it works for the dad, mom and baby, I think that is all that matters, if it evers stops being a wonderful thing then we will slowly move him out. Sorry this is long but I’m pretty touchy on this as even my own mom has frowned on this but I just can’t let my little guy cry it out, I’m a softy on that one. 😛
 
I think maybe the reason you might be having trouble getting your little one to sleep in the crib is that you brought him to the family bed later rather than earlier and he might just feel a little insecure.

I am no expert by any means, but it is a possibility. I am not really sure what you meant by “how did I get my little one to sleep in the crib” for daytime naps. I just would tell her it was time to take a nap or go to sleep and take her in there, give her baby( a blessed mother doll) and cover her and leave. She still waves bye bye to me when I lay her down. I think it is different for each family.

I am sorry I can’t really help you. May God grant you peace!
 
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sgalvanek:
La Chiara
First of all, I don’t think most people who advocate the family bed would try to push it on anybody who isn’t comfortable with it. If you resent you child being in your bed, it’s probably not a great idea (though I’d have to ask why one would resent their child wanting to be comforted by them).

As many posts here have indicated, lots of us find this to be very rewarding and successfully transition children to their own bed without great fuss. Furthermore…

–how to comfort themselves
But you see, this isn’t natural. Children come out of the womb TOTALLY dependent on us for food, cleaning, love AND comfort. Why must we force them to feel that there ‘on their own’ right from the beginning. This is amodern western ethos, not a Christian one.

–how to unwind and fall asleep on their own
Depending on the temperament of your child this just doesn’t work for many babies and is absolutely unnatural. Only in recent modern times with multi-bedroom homes has ‘putting them in their own room’ even been possible. Throughout history, (and even today) in most cultures families share their sleeping space with their little ones. Only in the hyper-indiviualistic (and thoroughly decedant) modern west do you hear protests of needing ‘MY’ space. Letting them fall asleep on their own is usually achieved by one of the ‘cry it out’ methods, which rather than teaching them to comfort themselves, teaches them to give up calling out for help. What they likely end up learning is ‘When I call out for help, no one is there.’ Is this how we’d like God to respond to us? ‘Hey, I know you need me, but I need my own space so figure it out for yourself.’ No thanks. I’ll stick with (and keep advocating) giving generously of my time and energy to my children even during sleep time.

Steve
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Right On, Steve!
 
Ok, see, if I take our little guy into his room for a nap, lay him down, cover him up, give him his pacifier, tell him night, night, and walk out, he stands up and screams until he is red, and I can go in and lay him down over and over and he just jumps right up and crys some more, I’ve tried letting him cry it out and he will slam his head against the crib rails etc. and it scares me so badly that I go in and get him. Part of me knows he is testing me but I just don’t handle it well when he is crying and hurting himself like that 😦
 
kamz
Please don’t think your little one is testing you. Children who can not speak have to communicate their needs some other way. If you child is screaming and crying, and banging his head against the crib to get your attention, he is simply trying to communicate such a need to you. The need may be simply that of being held. Is this so bad? Put youself behind the eyes of your little one for a moment and look at the big, new world that he is experiencing each day. Now, mom leaves the room and he doesn’t understand the concept of time, and doesn’t understand when/if you are coming back. This is likely very intimidating for a baby/toddler. He may just need the security of being in your arms. I ask again. Is that unreasonable? Would we expect God to not respond lovingly to our cries for help. Shouldn’t we model God to our children?

Neither is he trying to manipulate you. Some children are simply higher need than others. It could be that he simply feels insecure and needs LOTS and LOTS of comforting. Our first born was just like this and we gave him all the comforting, attention and focus he needed. I promise you that such an investment pays off with a very secure, loving, peaceful child later on. This is not over indulgence. This is ‘being there’ for your child.

I think I mentioned earlier, but I urge anyone struggling with these issues to pick up one of Dr. William Sears books on attachment parenting. Reading it will be a revelation…

Link to his attachment parenting book…
askdrsears.com/store/detail.asp?pid=12

link to his website with some great FAQs…
askdrsears.com/

…Attachment parenting is TRUE Catholic parenting.

God Bless

Steve
 
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kamz:
Ok, see, if I take our little guy into his room for a nap, lay him down, cover him up, give him his pacifier, tell him night, night, and walk out, he stands up and screams until he is red, and I can go in and lay him down over and over and he just jumps right up and crys some more, I’ve tried letting him cry it out and he will slam his head against the crib rails etc. and it scares me so badly that I go in and get him. Part of me knows he is testing me but I just don’t handle it well when he is crying and hurting himself like that 😦
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Unless he is 6 or 7 years old, he is not testing you. He NEEDS you. Unlike in adults, babies wants and needs are the same. God’s design is that when your baby cries you go to him and hold him and nurse him and nurture him. That’s why you have that instinctual reaction. That urge to pick him up was put there by the Creator. Don’t ignore it or suppress it!

God bless you!
 
Thank you so much Ham1, I appreciate the support, its sometimes very hard to know what to do, but when your heart is telling you go pick up that child you just can’t walk away and let them cry 👍
 
Write this book down. I suspect you will need it someday. Actually, the sooner you get it and use it, the easier it will be to break your child’s bad sleep patterns.
“How to Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems” by Richard Ferber ($11.20 on Amazon.com). Good luck.
 
La Chiara said:
“How to Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems” by Richard Ferber ($11.20 on Amazon.com). Good luck.
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I know who Ferber is and his process of Ferberizing your baby to sleep (sounds like a getting some kind of undercoating on your car). I won’t say Ferber is evil, but his advice for parenting is cruel and heartless, and the antithesis of everything Attachment Parenting folks believe in, and everything Christianity stands for. My example for parenting is the total self giving love of Christ crucified, even if it makes me uncomfortable at times.
La Chiara:
Write this book down. I suspect you will need it someday. Actually, the sooner you get it and use it, the easier it will be to break your child’s bad sleep patterns.
Click to expand...
You see, my children don’t have bad sleep habits. Just ones you don’t agree with. I love co-sleeping with my kids, and they love it too-as much as they can anyway, as their solidly zonked out for 12 hours straight snuggled up warm and safe next to mom and dad. 😃
 
I am a big supporter of the family bed for young children, our first daughter slept with us until she was three, when one day she said I want my own bed in my own room, we said–what did we do wrong(ha ha)!!! We loved having her with us, we did put her toddler bed next to ours at some point, so we could all sleep better. She is 11 and very independent and of course sleeps in her own bed, she has never had any sleep problems(none of our children have). We have our youngest(3years old) there now. We love it. I know she’s safe and she has me if she needs me. I should say we are very strict with the bedtime schedule(and naps when we did them). Who cares what other people think, it is not their business. People will always have their 10 cents, take what you need and disreguard the rest.

We had two attatchment disordered children in foster care in our home for about a year what a horrible disorder. Give your children all the love and comfort they need.
 
Hi everybody!

This is a great topic-one I love talking about although most people are ashamed of it.

I’m a homeschool mom of 3. Jacob 7, Elizabeth 5 and Susanna 2. When Jake was born, he was 5 weeks preemie, which 7 years ago was a lot. I couldn’t bear to put that teeny 5 lb 7 oz baby in his own crib. Add to that, he WOULDN’T sleep in his own crib. For 6 weeks, he slept on my chest. Then he slept between us until he was about 4. We’ve always started the night out with them in their own beds, but once they woke up, it was always easiest to bring them in our bed and they’ve always fell fast to sleep with us. Lizzie came in our bed pretty young also, but she was easier to put in her own bed all night. Susanna wakes up EVERY night and comes into our bed. I’ve NEVER no matter how tired I’ve been, ever rolled over on one of them. I sleep more comfy and so do they. If I started all over again, I would do it the same way!!
 
My friends three sons 9, 5 & 4 all start out in their own rooms but at one point or another they end up in mom and dads room at night, now that the boys are getting bigger my friend has the boys use sleeping bags on the floor, the boys think its awesome and the parents get the bed to themselves. I don’t know any child who is a teenager who still sleeps with dad and mom so I think that these things if left alone do take care of themselves, although I do remember being 16 yrs old and having a terrible nightmare and sneaking into my parents room with a blanket and sleeping on the floor, its human nature and my folks were always there for me day or night, we have such a close relationship and I hope my children and I will feel that way when they are adults too. 😃
 
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kamz:
Does anybody else practice the family bed?

Our 14 month old has been sharing our bed since he was 6 months old, my husband is not overly thrilled, mostly because he is nervous he will roll over on our son. I have tried to get our son to sleep in his crib but he cries for hours ( no joke) so I end up bringing him into our bed and he goes to sleep the minute he is next to me. I don’t know if its good or not, our older three never needed this and were great crib and then bed sleepers but we seem to have a rather big problem going now.

Any advice, help, suggestions???

Thanks 😃
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Try a warm blanket in his bed, tucked around him.
 
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