Fed Up Completely

[hwriggles4]

I wanted to respond in general to some of these statements:

As a single person, I’ve grown sick of the yammering I have to endure about marriages, families and children during Mass (yeah, I said it). There is no social component in the Church for single women who aren’t interested in becoming nuns or spinsters. This church has mommy groups, men-only scripture study, marriage-strengthening groups, married people social groups, and a 25-40 group that is for single people AND married people. Let me translate: “out of all the groups we have in the church for married people, we couldn’t find one single people could have for themselves.”

I wanted to give a reasoning why the “single and married 25-40 format” is often used for young adult groups, and why I recommend it over the “singles’ only” format.

I wanted to say that I was single at 28 when I moved to a new city. I was fortunate to make some new friends at a Catholic parish through a young adult group. (By the way, it took me a little while to find a group, but young adult ministry was fairly new in the mid 1990’s). We had bible study once a week, and we would sometimes get together for community service and social activities. Some of us would attend Mass together on Sunday, and go out to eat afterwards.

While we invited young married couples to join us (and there were about 3 or 4), the majority of us were single. One thing we liked about having the young marrieds is many of them were around our age (we set an age cutoff at 35, but we did have a few people that were 37 or 38 - and the average age was probably between 24 and 32) and we could relate to them. That group also had 3 or 4 marriages (that I know of) within the group. Unfortunately, I think that group dissolved about 10 years ago.

About two years later, I changed jobs and was working 60+ hours a week. I was invited by a friend to another group (both single and married, roughly 25-40 age group) that met weekly for Rosary and Holy Hour, and brought speakers in once a month on religious topics. (The Holy Hour didn’t begin until 8:00 p.m., and it was accessible on my way home from work). This group was very involved with young Catholics on fire for the faith. Some of us went to Mass together, and did some community and youth ministry too, as well as social events like Sunday afternoon frisbee football. Several good Holy Catholic marriages came out of this that were fruitful and lasting. Why? People got to know each other in a low stress environment, common ages, faith building, building friendships first that grew into something more, and people who walked the walk. It was productive time. By the way, there were also at least four men who entered priesthood and have been ordained. I also knew one girl who became a religious sister. This group still exists today.

Today, I am still in touch with these friends. This was something I really needed as a young adult.

Honestly, I liked the “single and married young adult combination” format better than a singles’ group format. There were times that I had belonged to two singles’ groups (and visited a few others). My experience is that some singles’ groups are really good, and have spiritual, community service, and social activities. However, there are other singles’ groups that attract people who don’t go to Mass at all, have poor social skills, and are just there either to find a girlfriend or to attend Happy Hour. If I found that the group was more interested in Happy Hour, and the people were more interested in figuring out who to ask out, I usually didn’t return. Several single women told me they didn’t like to go to certain groups because some of the men didn’t know how to act properly, and that was a turnoff.

Anyway, I do recommend visiting the young adult group at the parish to check it out and see what it is like before dismissing it. You may have to go a few times before you decide whether or not to join.

I won’t meet a spouse through the Church. I’m tired of seeing people in church who pretend they’ve never seen you when you’re outside the church setting. The only reason I attend is because my friends made me a godmother to their child and I wonder how badly it would upset them for me to leave.

Here are a few suggestions for finding fellowship:

1. What are your interests and hobbies? What do you like to do? Look for something that holds your interest.
2. If you are looking to make friends, check out a young adult group or if your diocese has Theology on Tap, make the time to attend.
3. If you are looking to date, sign up on Ave Maria Singles or Catholic Match. Theology on Tap and young adult groups are good ways to make friends first and find spouses too. Pro-Life events can be good places to meet young Catholics too, both men and women. I will say though that finding a good Catholic spouse today is harder than it was during my parent’s generation.
4. Don’t dismiss the “single-sex” format either. There are many young women (25-40) in the Christ Renews His Parish group at my parish, and quite a few are single. As these women bond (one girl in the group is like a little sister to me), they get to know each other. One of them might know an eligible single man and can introduce you. In fact, I even knew one girl who married the brother of another girl. Who knows?
5. You may want to do some “parish hopping” as one poster highlighted. I know it’s hard, and you may have to drive or take some longer bus/train rides. Today though, I find that many Catholics attend a parish that is a little further away than their local parish.

I hope this helps a little.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I’ll apologize in advance for this post, since it’s bombastic.

I’ve had it with the Church. I loathe going to Mass and everytime I do, feel a hundred times meaner leaving than when I went in. I’m not sure what can or should be done at this point…cs to me, and the school’s very low alumni giving rate does not shock me. …

That priest was eventually succeeded by someone who wasn’t as classist and clueless, and I was more of a faithful attendee. But I’ve recently relocated, and I’m having problems again.

In my new city, I attempted church #1 to find they hadn’t posted the mass times correctly. Tried church #2 only to find that they were doing construction and jamming 600 people into an annex made for 200. This probably doesn’t seem too terrible, but to someone already on the verge of leaving the Church like me, if you can’t be bothered to tell people when to show up and find them a folding chair, you come across as taking them for granted.

I joined church #3 with low expectations, and they’re even lower now. The priest gave us newbies an uninspired speech (replete with the standard money plea). As a single person, I’ve grown sick of the yammering I have to endure about marriages, families and children during Mass (yeah, I said it). There is no social component in the Church for single women who aren’t interested in becoming nuns or spinsters. This church has mommy groups, men-only scripture study, marriage-strengthening groups, married people social groups, and a 25-40 group that is for single people AND married people. Let me translate: “out of all the groups we have in the church for married people, we couldn’t find one single people could have for themselves.”

Added to that, the older I get the more I resent having followed the Church’s teachings on sex before marriage. To have wasted my best years never having known that sort of physical closeness is now creating in me a fount of anger.

My friends and family who were Catholic are falling away too. One’s horrible annulment experience left such a sour taste in her mouth she barely cares if she’s married in the Church or not. Another moved to the Bible belt and has started getting close to the Methodist community. She still attends Mass but told me it makes her sick to her stomach to attend Catholic functions and the Methodists have programs, community support, and NICE PEOPLE. People who walk the walk. I can’t help agree with her because I’ve met them too and I’ve had positive interactions I couldn’t imagine taking place at a Catholic church.

Even my parents (who were married by a pedophile priest ), and who still begrudgingly go to Catholic Mass, are now also attending Presbyterian services. When I asked them why - they said because they actually LIKED the Presbyterians. So, Catholic Mass out of obligation, Presbyterian mass for friendship and spiritual nourishment.

Long story short, I’ve realized that to the Catholic Church I am merely an envelope and a check, as I ever was. I won’t meet a spouse through the Church. I’m tired of seeing people in church who pretend they’ve never seen you when you’re outside the church setting. I derive negative spiritual sustenance from the Church. The newly revised Mass is clunky and artless. Attendance has become such a burden that I resent those who seem to enjoy it (if not find them downright obnoxious), and the only reason I attend is because my friends made me a godmother to their child and I wonder how badly it would upset them for me to leave.

I can only wonder at this point, how many truly awful people does it take to make a Catholic institution? Or does the nature of the institution create awful people? And if I feel enraged when attending, what to do?

I understand why you would feel frustrated.

But consider this:

People who turn away pregnant women and condemn others are not practicing the Catholic faith or Christianity for that matter.

I also understand why you and your family don’t care much for the faith. The incentive isn’t quite there.

What I must tell you is that Protestants, including Methodists, do not have Mass.

You can give into your anger and attend other churches, but I wonder what the Presbyterian and Methodist leaders would say if they knew Catholics were at their service out of anger, not because they believed in their faith.

More importantly, what does God think?

Some years ago, my mother told me that my Uncle, who was my Confirmation sponsor, started going to a Presbyterian to Church to “protest” the Catholic sex scandal.

By turning away from the Catholic Church, one turns his/her back on the Truth. Many other Christian and Abrahamic faiths were founded on personal selfishness, and anger can be a selfish emotion and an excuse.

This is an attempt the devil to draw you away from the graces of the Eucharist and what the Church has to offer.

And listen, you and your family are not the only ones who have difficulty with the Church either. A priest would not marry my cousin because she lives with her boyfriend. and I had a friend who the priest didn’t want to confirm him.

The Church, insofar as an institution that has humans who commit human error,probably isn’t going to be perfect until Christ returns and takes up his Kingdom.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Thanks Highwayhound. I know this is a dead thread, but I thought I’d respond anyway.

I tried 2 protestant churches after this. A big internationally known megachurch (which a number of friends said I should go to once, just for the experience) and a more regular-sized Presbyterian church. I really did go to the first “just for the experience” - it’s too much of a prosperity gospel place for me to put much stock in it.

Sadly, both were… very welcoming in contrast to the Catholic church. At the megachurch, the first thing the pastor said before the sermon was, “Thank you for being here. We’re so glad you came today!” I think I could’ve cried at that moment. I had never heard that before. Catholicism was like making dinner for a husband for thirty years who never once said how much he appreciated it.

The Presbyterian church, which is more mainline, was also very warm. At the first service, two people asked me whether I was new and welcomed me, I met a number of parishioners, and the pastor actually e-mailed me to say that I could talk to him if I needed help transitioning to a new town. I do see myself going back to this place.

Both churches also reached out in other positive ways I haven’t experienced, but I won’t bore by getting into that too deeply. (I will mention that the Presbyterian church sent a welcome and volunteer packet of all their programs 4 days after my first service. The Catholic church sent me my my first welcome packet - consisting of a fat stack of envelopes - 6 weeks after joining). The contrast was apparent.

I’m not sure I can reconcile going to a place that is the way, the truth and the light (and the one way, apparently!) that treats its members with casual disregard or sometimes, outright disdain. Attending a church that has 85% of it correct, where I feel 80% receptive to the scripture is better to me than a church that has 100% of it correct but I feel so unwanted I’m only apt to be 10% receptive. I suppose the Eucharist is supposed to make up for these feelings, but I don’t see it.

It is what it is, and I figure that being a practicing Christian is better than being a fully non-practicing Catholic, so thank you for your time in hearing me out.

What you fail to recognize is that evil and half-truths often warmly reach out to its victims.