Feel like I can never be a real adult...am I stuck being a child forever?

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DarkLight

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I’ve been looking up stuff about boundaries, especially with dealing with my mother. The trouble is…everything I’ve seen puts financial independence as the biggest marker of adulthood. More than that, it basically says if you aren’t financially independent, you don’t get to set boundaries because you are still a child.

My problem is my medical situation. I can’t afford the situation I’m in. The sort of job and insurance I could get simply won’t cover necessary medical care. I can’t make it through the state disability applications, and even if I could they’d expect me to essentially permanently give up on getting an education or trying to ever get off welfare. It’s stupid, but that’s the way it’s set up here. The minute you get any job or enroll in school all your benefits cut off.

But it’s really wearing on me. I need my family’s help to take care of myself. And it’s a difficult part, especially since my mother has no respect for me as an adult. Honestly, I have a hard time having any respect for myself anymore. I feel like I’m stuck being a perpetual child until I stop being sick, because I can’t do the things that adults are expected to do. I’m doing what I can but it’s never enough, I want to be a real adult and I just can’t do it.
 
Hi DarkLight,

Before I go into a big ‘spiel’ 😉 I want to be sure I’m remembering your situation accurately. If I remember correctly, you have mental/psychological needs that require fairly frequent doctor visits, and your (former? current?) insurance would only cover a very limited number of visits for these specific issues, maybe 3 per year … ? And that was one of the bigger hurdles for you in seeking a job, because you needed more frequent visits … Is that right?
 
I won’t lie to you; it’s harder to set and keep boundaries when one is beholden in some way to the person needing the boundaries. It can be done, but it can be tricky. And it’s never 100% satisfactory.

I have no solution to your problem. I will add you to my prayers however. I hate it that people such as yourself are marginalized and forced onto public assistance. It’s no kind of life to live.

😦
 
I am in a very similar situation, reliant on family for my care. However, I was able to go away to school for a couple of years and had a taste of independence. I did get SSI during this time so I would look into this further. Are you in the U.S.?

It is tough…I feel like I am torn between being an adult, making my own decisions, but still being a child in my parents’ house. They do usually treat me as an adult but sometimes too much so, pulling me into issues I have no control over and that should not concern me. I tend to stay in my room whenever things get tricky and avoid some of the conflict, not that there is a lot.

I wish I had more advice for you…please know you’re not alone in dealing with issues such as this.
 
Morwenna said:
Hi DarkLight,

Before I go into a big ‘spiel’ 😉 I want to be sure I’m remembering your situation accurately. If I remember correctly, you have mental/psychological needs that require fairly frequent doctor visits, and your (former? current?) insurance would only cover a very limited number of visits for these specific issues, maybe 3 per year … ? And that was one of the bigger hurdles for you in seeking a job, because you needed more frequent visits … Is that right?
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It’s part of it, anyway. I do have some fairly significant mental health issues…hopefully treatable but it’s a slow and expensive process. There’s a bundle of issues…I need therapy once a week, plus psychiatric care for medications, plus the medications themselves. I’m on my parents’ insurance right now; my school does offer a plan but it covers very little (5 visits a year, I think) and has quite high copays. It’s complicated by the fact that my health severely limits the hours and type of work I can do - and perhaps more immediately, severely interferes with my ability to find and apply for work.
TheRealJuliane said:
I won’t lie to you; it’s harder to set and keep boundaries when one is beholden in some way to the person needing the boundaries. It can be done, but it can be tricky. And it’s never 100% satisfactory.

I have no solution to your problem. I will add you to my prayers however. I hate it that people such as yourself are marginalized and forced onto public assistance. It’s no kind of life to live.

😦
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Thanks. Honestly the welfare system has been so frustrating. You’d think I’d be the type of person they’d want on public assistance - I’d be using it to, you know, actually get treatment and an education for a job I could work with better given my own limitations. But no, it’s set up so that it’s basically impossible to do anything to better your own situation without being cut off completely. I want to get back to being a productive member of society as soon as I can!
skigirl1689 said:
I am in a very similar situation, reliant on family for my care. However, I was able to go away to school for a couple of years and had a taste of independence. I did get SSI during this time so I would look into this further. Are you in the U.S.?

It is tough…I feel like I am torn between being an adult, making my own decisions, but still being a child in my parents’ house. They do usually treat me as an adult but sometimes too much so, pulling me into issues I have no control over and that should not concern me. I tend to stay in my room whenever things get tricky and avoid some of the conflict, not that there is a lot.

I wish I had more advice for you…please know you’re not alone in dealing with issues such as this.
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I’m in the U.S. It’s complicated by a very bad relationship with my mother - she’s always been very controlling. I still haven’t told her about my conversion, I’m afraid to because she’ll be furious at me for “not listening to her advice.” I know she’s terrible for my mental health, she’s always trying to “help” in completely unhelpful ways. And I’m caught in that bad spot where I’m not totally disabled but still can’t quite make it on my own.
 
Catherine De Hueck Doherty, founder of Madonna House, would frequently pray, "“Lord, give me the heart of a child, and the awesome courage to live it out as an adult.”

Jesus said if you don’t become like children you will not enter the kingdom of Heaven
 
Keep in mind tho, there is a difference between child like and child -ish.
 
Anyone got a bunch of money who wants to back us starting our own company???
 
abon12 said:
Catherine De Hueck Doherty, founder of Madonna House, would frequently pray, "“Lord, give me the heart of a child, and the awesome courage to live it out as an adult.”

Jesus said if you don’t become like children you will not enter the kingdom of Heaven
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abon12 said:
Keep in mind tho, there is a difference between child like and child -ish.
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abon12 said:
dictionary.com… childlike: innocent, frank, simple

childish: foolish, selfish, weak, immature
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I’m not sure how this relates to my question?
 
I wish you knew my stepmother and could talk to her because if there is anyone giving anything to help out the mentally ill, she knows who they are and how to get it. I wonder if the St. Vincent de Paul Society in your area might have someone who can advocate for you? I don’t mean someone who is going to help with your boundary issues with your mom, but someone who knows the system and proccess and can advise you on the correct paperwork and procedure to get the help you need without having your mother be part of it. It’s difficult, since I’m not familiar with where you live, but if you were in St. Louis, I’d probably direct you to the St. Patrick Center. They’re primarily known for helping the homeless, but I’d bet they have resources that could help someone in your situation as well. Anyway, I’m certain there is a way that you could get help with finding employment and going to school, the question is how to find it.
 
I was in a similar boat. If you can qualify for disability, I think you should go ahead and go on it for now. They have that “Ticket to Work” program that you can possibly look into. It’s better to get disentangled from the enmeshed relationship with your parents. That was what I tried to do and never was sucessful.

I hurt them too, which I really regret, because basically they became my financial safety net, we were all in deep financial doodoo together and when my dad died my mom and I were in a mess. If it hadn’t been for her health declining to the point of needing nursing home care a few months later and being able to get on Medicaid I don’t know what we would have done. And when she died, not having gotten on disability sooner I was not able to inherit the house and (maybe) be able to refi it before it went into foreclosure.

Find as many sources (spiritual, mental health, vocational, financial, legal, etc.) who are willing to give you free or low-cost advice on all aspects of this and work to be in a position to be able to set the needed boundaries with your mom. It won’t be fun but you and she might actually end up with a more positive relationship down the line.

Disability Secrets has a lot of helpful material: disabilitysecrets.com/

God bless you, and I will pray for you. :gopray:
 
Check with NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill). They advocate for people in situations like yours. You may have problems but often so does the family of someone with a mental illness. Sometimes they are too protective, too patronizing, too much in the way of independence or ignorant of how to assist their loved one with gaining as much independence as possible. Sometimes a family member holds on to the bad deeds done while in a crisis and they can’t see who you really are. NAMI provides support for families too.

Your job is to learn about your illness (or illnesses and addictions, if applicable) and comply in your own care. Then you need to advocate for yourself and get help advocating for yourself if it is too difficult to do it for yourself.

Many people go to extremes. We need to find the areas where a mentally ill loved one can make progress and support that. The mentally ill loved one has to comply with those boundaries that are realistic for their diagnosis. It’s best to do reality checks with psychiatrist and doctor and others in the mental health field. Try to avoid making decisions without informed help.
 
I didnt exactly read your question but that is still some solid advice.
 
Auntie_A said:
Check with NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill). They advocate for people in situations like yours. You may have problems but often so does the family of someone with a mental illness. Sometimes they are too protective, too patronizing, too much in the way of independence or ignorant of how to assist their loved one with gaining as much independence as possible. Sometimes a family member holds on to the bad deeds done while in a crisis and they can’t see who you really are. NAMI provides support for families too.

Your job is to learn about your illness (or illnesses and addictions, if applicable) and comply in your own care. Then you need to advocate for yourself and get help advocating for yourself if it is too difficult to do it for yourself.

Many people go to extremes. We need to find the areas where a mentally ill loved one can make progress and support that. The mentally ill loved one has to comply with those boundaries that are realistic for their diagnosis. It’s best to do reality checks with psychiatrist and doctor and others in the mental health field. Try to avoid making decisions without informed help.
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Honestly I don’t think the problem with our relationship has to do with my mental health. She’s always been this way, and she treats my father very much the same way she does me. She’s just critical and far too easily offended, and she’s too busy trying to correct me most of the time to actually have much idea of what’s going on. It’s at the point where I dread seeing her or even talking on the phone because I don’t want my life and decisions picked apart.
 
DarkLight said:
Honestly I don’t think the problem with our relationship has to do with my mental health. She’s always been this way, and she treats my father very much the same way she does me. She’s just critical and far too easily offended, and she’s too busy trying to correct me most of the time to actually have much idea of what’s going on. It’s at the point where I dread seeing her or even talking on the phone because I don’t want my life and decisions picked apart.
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Her lack of boundaries probably don’t have to do with your mental health issues, but they might make you less tolerant of her interference and make it more of a strain on you to deal with it.
 
Ok, I think I can help. Women tend to be bossy, while men tend to be cold. So maybe ask your Mom to be more meek and humble? 🤷
 
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