Thanks. Honestly, a lot of my struggle right now is either internal or in dealing with other people.
My mother is toxic in many ways. She does not respect me as an adult. **She very much acts as though any show of independence on my part is rebellion against her. ** I understand this. It hurts, it’s not easy to deal with, but I do understand. She’s chosen how she will be and there’s nothing I can say or do that will make her change. ** If I were independent, I would tell her straight-out that I would not be coming to visit unless she moderated her criticisms and emotional manipulation. As it is, I do the best I can to shield myself from the effects (and believe me it does still hurt, even if I know it’s her problem and not mine).
But what’s much worse is the effect on me in general. I’m ashamed to admit that I’m 25 and still dependent in part on my parents, **that I’m not working right now because I got too sick and had to take time off. I struggle with finding safe places to deal with my own situations because of the level of guilt I face. I get told constantly that if it were really that bad I’d find a way out - except there is no good way out. I’m ashamed to admit that I struggle with our relationship, **because I’m accused often of being ungrateful and told I have no right to criticize her or expect anything of her until I’m supporting myself.
*Honestly, I’m ashamed of myself. *** I hear the stories of how awful 20-somethings who expect their parents to pay for them while they play games instead of work are, and I sit back and think “that’s me.” I wonder what I’m doing for society to justify my own existence. I worry that I’m taking up space in classes that could be better used by someone healthy. And I worry that if I can’t get out, if that means I should just shut up and be glad that at least someone’s willing to pay the bills so I can get treatment, no matter what the cost is. After all, it’s not like she’s asking me to do anything immoral, just painful…
You could be describing my life. The resemblance is almost eerie. Please don’t take the guilt and shame all on yourself. This kind of situation requires much patience and heroic effort to extricate oneself from.
I may have mentioned that my mother had suffered much loss in her life, and by the time she married my father I believe she had post-traumatic stress and a lot of stored up grief. She also had anxiety and depression and post-partum depression and physical illness with my birth. When I was a preschooler she also became diabetic. Point is, she had a level of anxiety and difficulty coping that led her to the kind of extremes as you describe experiencing.
For all my life, she would tell me how precious I was to her and how much she longed to have me. But she also had to control me (and my dad) and as I grow older and have had to deal with my own issues I understand more and more what drove her. I do not for one moment believe that she set out in the beginning to make me an emotional cripple as some sort of malicious scheme.
And in our relationship over time, love ultimately triumphed. When she died, as I was planning her funeral, I had this indescribable moment when I felt some part of her spirit come into me. Not in a weird way but in a way like she was bequeathing me her good qualities - that strength that enabled her to survive - to face what I would need to face. We also had ample time during her bedridden years to forgive each other a lot.
But I don’t mean to digress. The behaviors of your mother that cause you to feel all knotted up inside, that keep you dependent, are probably a product of her deepest fears. She may not have much “emotional wisdom” on how to deal with those. It’s not fair that the greater burden should fall on you but it’s probably going to. I don’t know if she is open, at a calm time, to a conversation about how much you want to grow and not be so dependent, but maybe you can try that.
One tip I learned - if you start to see a discussion is going south, just quickly and as calmly as you can, end it for the time being. Once this sort of person gets riled up they aren’t going to be able to dial it back down to rationality, and neither of you needs the drama, all it does is raise your blood pressure and stress levels. It’s better to present these things in bits and pieces. This is not the same as “pussyfooting around” - it’s allowing the person to open their mind to new ideas in small doses.
Keep posting, I’ll keep responding with more if any of this is helpful. Again,
do not take the shame on yourself. You and your mom are caught up in something where your inner needs and fears are clashing, that’s all. :console: Not easy, but not your fault, okay?
… i will pray for you.
