Feel like I can never be a real adult...am I stuck being a child forever?

[Convert_in_99]

I know where you come from from personal experience. I have several chronic physical health issues and several mental health ones as well. My family didn’t “believe” in mental health issues for the longest time. It is a huge struggle. Had I not gotten married (or when my spouse dies) I will be at my family’s mercy again (if they are still alive.) If not, then the government will have me on their hands. I still to this day cannot get a job that would be sufficient enough for me to make it on my own. And even if I did, I might not have the physical/mental health to keep it.

I am so very sorry you struggle with this too. :console:

 

[3DOCTORS]

We need to expand our thinking. Yes, in some people’s eyes who don’t truly understand the challenges we have faced, we might appear to be all those negative things they say. In reality, we are part of God’s economy - where a cup of cold water in Jesus’ name will not go unforgotten. For starters, we help each other out here on CAF. And I’m sure there are other ways we give to society and make the world a better place. So we needn’t tuck our tails between our legs and slink off in shame. God knows our hearts. :yup:

 

[DarkLight]

I forgot there’s something worse - the half adulthood. The one where you get all the responsibility of adulthood and none of the control. Which means you end up spending a lot of time paying serious consequences for other people’s actions, while they typically walk off unscathed.

 

[holyrood]

You do not have to do a single thing in order to justify your existence. These idiotic ideas that are popular in secular societies are not Christian. You are a beloved child of God and that is enough to make you valuable. You are a human being. You are worth so much. Please don’t listen to people who say otherwise.

Some of the stories that have inspired me greatly have been of those who can do almost nothing, but they still pray for others. They offer their sufferings up in prayer. I don’t think you have to justify your existence to others, but merely live your best for God.

…he used the situation to control me and constantly criticise me and to try to convince me that I was useless and lazy and a parasite.
… My father has always been like that and there was always material for his criticism and tearing apart of my self worth and my confidence. I experienced it before and after my years of studying, so I know that the fact I was dependent on him was not the cause for his behaviour.

This is just it. I’ve been financially independent of my parents since I was 18. I even went through a legal process stating that I was, in order to get financial aid for college based on my own income. I’ve gotten a good education, worked hard, and raised kids who volunteer and go to church. Etc. Ad Nauseum. Nevertheless, my father has continued to find fault right up until I finally had it at the age of about 39 and simply refused to go near him again. Even after that, he left drunken messages on my voicemail with more criticisms. The point being: some people are critical. It really wouldn’t matter to these people who independent or accomplished you were.

Some people would give their adult children the care and help they need and do it with love and graciousness.

Your parents’ behavior says more about them than it does about you. Once again, the answer is to live your life to please God, not anyone else. If you’re right with God, it begins to matter less and less what anyone else thinks.

I forgot there’s something worse - the half adulthood. The one where you get all the responsibility of adulthood and none of the control. Which means you end up spending a lot of time paying serious consequences for other people’s actions, while they typically walk off unscathed.

What has happened?

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Nevertheless, my father has continued to find fault right up until I finally had it at the age of about 39 and simply refused to go near him again.
The point being: some people are critical. It really wouldn’t matter to these people who independent or accomplished you were.

Your parents’ behavior says more about them than it does about you. Once again, the answer is to live your life to please God, not anyone else. If you’re right with God, it begins to matter less and less what anyone else thinks.

This is so true. Both of our fathers obviously have issues that have nothing to do with us. We were just collateral damage. I understood that a few years ago (and now refuse to go near him, like you.)

I think this is the OP’s situation as well. From what I’ve gathered in this thread, the OP’s identity is very much tied to her mother’s attitude and behaviour. I suspect that had she received healthy love and positive feedback in her formative years she would feel much better about herself. I wonder if her mother’s attitude has anything to do with the health problems. Probably not. I think that the key issue is separating herself emotionally from the mother and her stories, to find self worth as a child of God from which everything else stems. I know, much easier said than done. Perhaps praying for this intention would be a start.

 

[DarkLight]

Some of the stories that have inspired me greatly have been of those who can do almost nothing, but they still pray for others. They offer their sufferings up in prayer. I don’t think you have to justify your existence to others, but merely live your best for God.

This is just it. I’ve been financially independent of my parents since I was 18. I even went through a legal process stating that I was, in order to get financial aid for college based on my own income. I’ve gotten a good education, worked hard, and raised kids who volunteer and go to church. Etc. Ad Nauseum. Nevertheless, my father has continued to find fault right up until I finally had it at the age of about 39 and simply refused to go near him again. Even after that, he left drunken messages on my voicemail with more criticisms. The point being: some people are critical. It really wouldn’t matter to these people who independent or accomplished you were.

Some people would give their adult children the care and help they need and do it with love and graciousness.

Your parents’ behavior says more about them than it does about you. Once again, the answer is to live your life to please God, not anyone else. If you’re right with God, it begins to matter less and less what anyone else thinks.

What has happened?

I’ve been having ongoing trouble with school. Basically it came down to, I was being blamed for being “irresponsible” and not seeking treatment before coming to grad school. Trouble is, grad school was my only ticket out of the house and into a place where I could more reasonably set up on my own. And there was no way to get treatment around at home because my mother would force her way into anything. I remember one family therapy session we tried - she screamed at us all the way home for “slandering her to the therapist.”

This is so true. Both of our fathers obviously have issues that have nothing to do with us. We were just collateral damage. I understood that a few years ago (and now refuse to go near him, like you.)

I think this is the OP’s situation as well. From what I’ve gathered in this thread, the OP’s identity is very much tied to her mother’s attitude and behaviour. I suspect that had she received healthy love and positive feedback in her formative years she would feel much better about herself. I wonder if her mother’s attitude has anything to do with the health problems. Probably not. I think that the key issue is separating herself emotionally from the mother and her stories, to find self worth as a child of God from which everything else stems. I know, much easier said than done. Perhaps praying for this intention would be a start.

It does, I think. If nothing else…my impression was that I was very much “set up” to be the victim of abuse as a young adult. I’d silenced my instincts about my own body because she was constantly criticizing it and telling me what to do to fix it. I thought that constant criticism and control were just how people related to each other. And when I ran into a guy who tried to tear down everything I did and do things I didn’t want with my body, I didn’t have any defenses left.

 

[HouseArrest]

I’ve been having ongoing trouble with school. Basically it came down to, I was being blamed for being “irresponsible” and not seeking treatment before coming to grad school. Trouble is, grad school was my only ticket out of the house and into a place where I could more reasonably set up on my own. And there was no way to get treatment around at home because my mother would force her way into anything. I remember one family therapy session we tried - she screamed at us all the way home for “slandering her to the therapist.”

It does, I think. If nothing else…my impression was that I was very much “set up” to be the victim of abuse as a young adult. I’d silenced my instincts about my own body because she was constantly criticizing it and telling me what to do to fix it. I thought that constant criticism and control were just how people related to each other. And when I ran into a guy who tried to tear down everything I did and do things I didn’t want with my body, I didn’t have any defenses left.

I was under the impression you were an undergrad. Why can’t you find full time employment with benefits with your Bachelor’s degree?

 

[DarkLight]

I was under the impression you were an undergrad. Why can’t you find full time employment with benefits with your Bachelor’s degree?

Because my BA is in a field where you need at least an MA to get even part-time work, and a PhD for most full-time stuff. Plus my health at the moment prevents me from being able to work full-time.

 

[MSSheBear]

DarkLight: Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for being a student and dependent on your parents, including your parents. I come from a family with a lot of Phd’s and these people spent years and years as a college student. My sister had the whole graduate student thing down to an art. She was one until she was 35.

I wouldn’t consider her a parasite but a scholar. If your field requires a Phd get a Phd. Regardless of what you do I suspect your mother isn’t going to be happy and will tell you so.

I will be praying for you.

 

[DarkLight]

DarkLight: Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for being a student and dependent on your parents, including your parents. I come from a family with a lot of Phd’s and these people spent years and years as a college student. My sister had the whole graduate student thing down to an art. She was one until she was 35.

I wouldn’t consider her a parasite but a scholar. If your field requires a Phd get a Phd. Regardless of what you do I suspect your mother isn’t going to be happy and will tell you so.

I will be praying for you.

Thanks. It’s not so much the student bit…it’s that I’m off right now because of my health. So I feel like I’m not doing anything, especially not working to be independent. I mean, I know right now that trying to get my health together is the best thing I can do, but…it still feels bad, especially since I’m taking time off that no one else around me needs.

 

[HouseArrest]

Because my BA is in a field where you need at least an MA to get even part-time work, and a PhD for most full-time stuff. Plus my health at the moment prevents me from being able to work full-time.

I don’t understand how you could go to school full time but can’t work full time.

Maybe your parents are frustrated. It seems like you are on a never ending track here.

 

[DarkLight]

I don’t understand how you could go to school full time but can’t work full time.

Maybe your parents are frustrated. It seems like you are on a never ending track here.

But I just said I’m not taking classes right now…did you even read any of the thread or just come here to criticize? This was all made quite clear already.

 

[HouseArrest]

But I just said I’m not taking classes right now…did you even read any of the thread or just come here to criticize? This was all made quite clear already.

Yes I read it. I realize that you are not taking classes. But you did sign up for classes, but did not seek work (or so it seems). So that says to me that you think you can take the classes but can’t work.

No I am not here to criticize. What you have written doesn’t make sense to me. That is why I asked.

It just seems like you are in a Catch 22.

 

[DarkLight]

Yes I read it. I realize that you are not taking classes. But you did sign up for classes, but did not seek work (or so it seems). So that says to me that you think you can take the classes but can’t work.

No I am not here to criticize. What you have written doesn’t make sense to me. That is why I asked.

It just seems like you are in a Catch 22.

Sorry…it’s a bit of a sensitive topic. Keep in mind standard load for us is only 2 classes, and we’re considered full-time at 1. I only have a single completely not started class left to take, though I have a number unfinished. I was a GA when I signed up for those, meaning I worked for the school and had to be enrolled to keep my job. I was forced by my health to quit before last spring, though I still managed to take one class that was only offered then that I needed.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I know right now that trying to get my health together is the best thing I can do, but…it still feels bad, especially since I’m taking time off that no one else around me needs.

You mean, you feel like you stick out from the group of your colleagues because you are on a break? Well, you simply have certain issues at the moment that require this and other people don’t. You are right that you have to take care of your health right now. Don’t worry about others. It seems that you are super concerned about what other people might think and how they might judge you. This, of course, goes back to the feedback you get in your family and how that forms your self image. I think I remember you talking about counselling once but am not sure about details anymore. Have you ever tackled this mother issue in depth? Everything seems to be rooted in that.

 

[HouseArrest]

Sorry…it’s a bit of a sensitive topic. Keep in mind standard load for us is only 2 classes, and we’re considered full-time at 1. I only have a single completely not started class left to take, though I have a number unfinished. I was a GA when I signed up for those, meaning I worked for the school and had to be enrolled to keep my job. I was forced by my health to quit before last spring, though I still managed to take one class that was only offered then that I needed.

Ok so that makes more sense. Your job and school are tied together. One goes, the other is compromised. And you are close to finishing it seems.

The only thing I can think of (and you probably already tried this) is to appeal to some higher up at the school. Nobody else needs to know about it.

And here is what I have learned about comparing the full content of your life issues with the appearance only of others’ lives… don’t. You would be shocked as to how many people out there are running on special exceptions. You just don’t know about them.

Good luck! I will pray that you can make an arrangement that will see you to the end of this degree so you can move on!

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

And here is what I have learned about comparing the full content of your life issues with the appearance only of others’ lives… don’t. You would be shocked as to how many people out there are running on special exceptions. You just don’t know about them.

Agreed. When I did my PhD there were several people who had to put a hold on to their studies because of various reasons. Unless people talk about it openly their colleagues don’t know about it, it’s as simple as that. If you are comfortable sharing things with your colleagues, do that. If not - you have a right to your privacy. I don’t know what your department is like and if you are close to your colleagues, but I found that having a support network in that environment was really important to me. It helped me deal with both academic and life challenges. Doing postgrad work can be a lonely experience, and having all these other things on top doesn’t help.

 

[3DOCTORS]

Also, do your best to shake off any remaining stigma society puts on mental illness. Your story echoes my own in another way, I see, in that my anxiety disorders really went thermonuclear in grad school (and I was a teaching assistant - - the beginning and ending of a teaching career in one insane year - ugh).

The point is, if you had a broken leg, or cancer, or anything, you would have to take time off for treatment and people would understand. It was worse 25 years ago, trust me, but it’s still not a walk in the park. There is prejudice and suspicion. When I went through it the economy was not as bad as it is now, though it had problems. These days there is sometimes a stigma simply against people who aren’t working without consideration of the reasons why working wouldn’t be feasible or advisable for them at the present time.

And regarding your mom problem, again, I so get what you are describing and it is one of the most convoluted and tricky problems to have to wrestle with. Continued prayers coming your way.

 

[DarkLight]

Also, do your best to shake off any remaining stigma society puts on mental illness. Your story echoes my own in another way, I see, in that my anxiety disorders really went thermonuclear in grad school (and I was a teaching assistant - - the beginning and ending of a teaching career in one insane year - ugh).

The point is, if you had a broken leg, or cancer, or anything, you would have to take time off for treatment and people would understand. It was worse 25 years ago, trust me, but it’s still not a walk in the park. There is prejudice and suspicion. When I went through it the economy was not as bad as it is now, though it had problems. These days there is sometimes a stigma simply against people who aren’t working without consideration of the reasons why working wouldn’t be feasible or advisable for them at the present time.

And regarding your mom problem, again, I so get what you are describing and it is one of the most convoluted and tricky problems to have to wrestle with. Continued prayers coming your way.

Yeah that’s a lot of it. I find there’s a lot more prejudice against young people not working, as a “you never contributed anything why should we help you out.” A lot of people refuse to believe these things could afflict a young person. Or they have such a model of government health services, they can’t imagine that someone truly sick might not be able to get government aid that they’ve conceptualized as free for anyone with a doctor’s note.

The thing with my mother…it’s not just her itself. It’s that there’s such a difficulty with relying on someone and yet criticizing her behavior. Especially a child criticizing a parent. I’ve found most people will go way out of their way to justify her behavior, and that saying there are any issues at best gets you admonished to be more respectful, and at worst gets you labelled rebellious and ungrateful. It means I feel often like I have to tackle that issue on my own, because it’s so unthinkable to so many people that a dependent young person could actually make a valid complaint against her mother.

 

[3DOCTORS]

Yeah that’s a lot of it. I find there’s a lot more prejudice against young people not working, as a “you never contributed anything why should we help you out.” A lot of people refuse to believe these things could afflict a young person. Or they have such a model of government health services, they can’t imagine that someone truly sick might not be able to get government aid that they’ve conceptualized as free for anyone with a doctor’s note.

The thing with my mother…it’s not just her itself. It’s that there’s such a difficulty with relying on someone and yet criticizing her behavior. Especially a child criticizing a parent. I’ve found most people will go way out of their way to justify her behavior, and that saying there are any issues at best gets you admonished to be more respectful, and at worst gets you labelled rebellious and ungrateful. It means I feel often like I have to tackle that issue on my own, because it’s so unthinkable to so many people that a dependent young person could actually make a valid complaint against her mother.

But if I’m reading the situation correctly, your mother in her desperation greatly contributed to the Catch-22 you are in. And it’s a tough one to extricate from. I cleared some space in my inbox if you want to PM me. :console: