fiance and i just had a huge fight and im in need of help!

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Dear friend

I am myself, like your fiance, a quiet person who never loses their cool, a placid person who rather than cause a scene will turn heel and walk away, who never raises my voice or has too much to say to people in a forceful or hurtful way. I tend to keep my thoughts in and say little when faced with a personal situation that is confrontational, but sometimes a situations calls me to state my case and do so in a polite and effective way. Long ago, I realised that sometimes in the great scheme of things, some things just do not matter. This doesn’t mean that my words when spoken are not effective, it doesn’t mean that my actions when I do carry them out do not bring about a reaction. I prefer to think more than to say, I think there are lots wrong with things but to say it will have little positive effect, therefore it’s damage limitation and the best way to deal with some situations is to placate them. This seems to me what your fiance does, he sees that little will be solved by making waves and rather he decides to smooth the waters.

It is just different ways of doing things, your way is fiery and your fiance is placid, neither are wrong, so long as the intention is right, which out of love of you and his family, his intentions, more than likely are right though they do not manifest as such to you, trust he loves you and try to avoid a battle of wills on this, acceptance goes along way to deepening love.

Happy are the peacemakers…make your peace and let him make his peace as best he knows how…

God Bless you and much love and peace to you

Teresa
 
How can his fine affect your joint finances. Your finances and his should should be separate until you are married and living together.
You are his betrothed and he yours. Neither of you should be sharing a chequebook, credit cards or anything financial together beyond the cost of the wedding.

Are you two living together?
 
If the little puppy won’t bite, he won’t bite when he’s big!

If the kid won’t stand up for himself, he won’t when he’s big!

From your description the boyfriend is just being himself. That won’t change unless he gets hit too many time with a sledge hammer!

If you are considering marrying him, either you change or forget it.
A man doesn’t change after he is married.
 
My husband is just like this. In the early years of our marriage, I thought his family was mean to me and I was mad that he never seemed to stand up for me. It’s still kind of a sore issue, but I get along great with his family now and who’s to say what kind of rifts we could have caused if he had started being confrontational . . .
I really appreciate this about my husband now, because I can see that he has really helped me to be a calmer person. I see how my mom is–very aggressive and demanding and a bit volatile, and I know I would be just like that if it wasn’t for my husband. I thank God for that!
 
This is who he is. If you cannot accept him as he is, then get a different fiance. Only he can change himself, and clearly he likes himself the way he is. Every time you say, “I wish you would be a little more… whatever…” you are saying, “I don’t really like you how you are, you need fixing”. This will not make for a happy marriage.
 
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TarAshly:
the one aspect that truly drives me crazy is with his father… how do i handle that situation?
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You marry the family, not just the man. Every wedding, every funeral, and probably every birthday, Christmas, and Easter, there they will be, and their impact will never be neutral.

You have three choices:
  1. Accept the whole situation, as it is, for the rest of your life (my mother-in-law was coping with her mother-in-law for a good fifteen years after my father-in-law died).
  2. Put off getting married until your finance sees that his gentle nature should not include letting your in-laws run your life… with the understanding that the day he sees things that way may never come.
  3. Cut loose now and keep looking.
My advice: find a family that you will feel grateful to marry into. You deserve better than what you’re describing… in fact, your fiance and everyone in your fiance’s family does, too. Even the best family has its warts, but on the whole, your chances of marital survival will be much better if your new family is more often a source of support than a source of conflict.
 
My husband is the same way. He absolutely hates any type of confrontation. In the beginning of our marriage I thought he would change. I thought I could get him to change. Nope. It’s been 13 1/2 years. In situations that may require him to be outspoken, either I handle it myself or just go along with him. It’s who he is. I handle the bills but I don’t lord over the money like I did in the beginning, we make decisions together.

It sounds like you husbands dominating father (my husband has one of them too) has probably influenced your husbands personality. If you address this with anger I would bet your finacee will shut down and you will get no where.

It needs to be calmly discussed. My guess is you will have to be the out spoken one. My father-in-law has learned not to mess with me. It took a few years before I stopped letting him intimadate me like he does the rest of his family but he knows I won’t take his b.s. any more. It makes our life alot easier.

As far as the money, as soon as possible get out from being dependant on his father and change your account before you get married. Discuss it clearly but calmly (ask for his (name removed by moderator)ut) but make sure that you both agree to keep your personal stuff private.
 
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George2:
How can his fine affect your joint finances. Your finances and his should should be separate until you are married and living together.
You are his betrothed and he yours. Neither of you should be sharing a chequebook, credit cards or anything financial together beyond the cost of the wedding.
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TarAshley, this was the thought that was germinating in my mind as I read through your questions & the forum’s responses to you…George2 beat me to the punch, but maybe coming from a newlywed female as well it might give you some more perspective on perhaps jumping the gun…being engaged does not = being married, but rather, has a specific purpose: preparing your hearts for each other.

Aside from this aspect, I also want to echo those who have advised that this is something so easy to cross fingers & hope things change “when we’re married”–but it won’t!

You and your fiance are preparing to become One. One flesh, one union, one being for God. One body only needs one head; it cannot live without a head! Likewise, a body only needs one heart–and cannot live without the heart. But a body does not need two heads, nor two hearts.

I don’t mean to sound preachy; it’s just that in my first year of marriage, I’ve recognized what a powerful & ongoing lesson this is for me, a pretty spunky & opinionated woman…😉 …it’s a challenge, but so worth it!

Have you read any of the Popcek’s (sp?) books? How about a book called “Marriage: a Path to Sanctity”? You’ll undoubtedly get a lot of advice on this forum, but there’s a whole lot of great literature out there, too! 👍
 
TarAshly - are you in pre-Cana? If so, what does your director have to say about this conflict? (I’m assuming you’re Catholic … maybe not?)

Does his father have other financial control over you? Does he pay your rent? It’s been my experience that someone who pays for your housing has A LOT of control over you.
  • JP
 
WOw sounds like man who just turns the other cheek. Maybe he doesnt think there is any use in fighting for a lost cause. Talk to him about it! Calmly…Especially before your wedding, also take pre-cana classes!
 
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TarAshly:
we already have a joint account and my fiance gave his dad the info he needed to check it online. i feel almost spied on. its my money too i work as well, and i feel that his father has no right to see my fianancial situation even if it does involve his son. do you think after we get married it will be appropriate to ask his dad to stay out of it. in a nice way of course.
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Dear, you wish to control your fiancee and share that control with anyone else – even him. I presume I am not the first one to tell you this.

It is your problem and not his that is giving you fits. I am much more emotional than my husband, but I am not “hot-headed”. That gets one nowhere but trouble.
Control your temper or your temper controls you. :yup: I tell my son too many times a week to count, but he is getting it.

We get your side of the stories, but I would love to hear the rest of the story.

I would suggest that you learn to pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy and then do it daily to learn something about mercy and the great gift that we have received.

A daily Rosary prayed for your fiance, and God willing, someday your husband is one of the most rewarding devotions. Anytime I am depresssed --a real, bon fide condition with me, the best treatment is to pray for the man who has loved me for 25 years. It has transformed our marriage since we started praying for each other daily. We have as much affection as when we were young and we are truly each other’s best friends.

Also, I don’t know if you can find a way to do it, but work together, even if it is a voluntary effort. Work side by side for a year or so and you will learn many wonderful lessons. My husband I worked together for four years of engagement and several years of marriage. It has strengthened our marriage and relationship so much.

I hear a lot defense of your emotions, but I don’t hear many compliments about the man you want to marry. Tell us why you love him. :tsktsk:
 
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George2:
How can his fine affect your joint finances. Your finances and his should should be separate until you are married and living together.
You are his betrothed and he yours. Neither of you should be sharing a chequebook, credit cards or anything financial together beyond the cost of the wedding.

Are you two living together?
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yes we are.
 
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TarAshly:
… i wish he would be a LITTLE more aggresive, and stand up for himself a little more! i dont know what to do! …
…
… we have two different temper levels, mine is hard headed southern firecracker volitle, and his is calm and maintained. i CANT STAND THIS! …
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Be careful what you ask for because you may very well get it but not at a time or in a way that you may want … take note of this and this.
 
ok thanks for the advice, heres the thing his dad doesnt pay our rent, he only paid for a cobra health insurance payment for us. and he puts money in our account when it doesnt meet his standards, when he does this i think he thinks he can then control other aspects such as the business we’re opening up together, which his dad has no perspective into this type of business yet feels he can tell us what to do with it. i love and adore his mother and brother and grandmother especially, and his whole family, i even do love his dad very much but feel that his dad is having a hard time letting go and seeing that he is a grown man now. the family is very supportive and loving and close and i care very much for all of them.

we do live together and have been for 6 months now. our wedding is one month from tomorrow.

what are pre cana classes?

i love him because he makes me laugh, he supports me in anything i do, he is insistant that i finish school because he knows its my dream. he wants to be successful. he goes to church with me without complaint, he even became a Catholic so that we could have that in common together and now he’s just as on fire for it as i am. i love him because he’s kind and he’s gentle and he’ll make an amazing dad someday. and because he works very hard for us.

i hope i answered all of your questions.

thanks for all of the advice.

God Bless
 
Sir Knight:
Be careful what you ask for because you may very well get it but not at a time or in a way that you may want … take note of this and this.
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i am not controlling of him! he’s a grown man and does what he wants when he wants to do it. i handle our finances because he asked me to because hes not good with money, about the only thing i control him about is not leaving wet towels on the floor! hes the man of the house, i guarantee that. when we do fight i dont say hateful things to him, i cry and thats when he backs down. i dont cry to make him stop, i cry because im upset and he cant stand to see me cry, in no way shape or form do i control him.
 
Tarashly, are you Catholic?
OK, I live in the North, maybe they call them something else in the south, but you don’t know what PRE CANA is?

The classes which are taught to prospective brides and grooms before they marry?

The MANDATED classes?

Usually 4 sessions, covering topics INCLUDING FINANCE?

Which you are supposed to complete before the wedding?

The “pre Cana” is of course a reference to the most famous wedding in scripture–the Marriage Feast at Cana, where Jesus performed His first documented public miracle, and in so doing made it known that marriage itself was beyond covenant to SACRAMENT.
 
yes im Catholic, and here they just call it pre marital counseling. and i have been in it for 2 months now once a week. excuse me for not knowing! no need to be so nasty about it.
 
Sorry if you thought I was nasty–certainly didn’t mean to be.
Figured that it was simply called something else there, and that if I mentioned the specifics, you would know.

Hope that you’re enjoying the classes and that you and your fiance will have a blessed wedding and life.
 
In terms of sharing money, my husband and I combined accounts about four months before our wedding. We needed to start making some major purchases, like buying a $1500 bed, some furniture, wedding expenses, travel expenses, making payments on our rings, honeymoon payments, etc. I took three months off, total, around the time of the wedding because we were getting married 1200 miles away from where we lived and there were just endless details to tie up.

My husband-to-be supported me financially during that time, and I lived in our new place while he moved in with his parents until we were actually married.

During that time I also got a settlement from a car accident, and I deposited it directly into our shared account. My fiance had considerable savings and he put everything into the account, too. We just felt like it was all going to be from the same “pot,” so to speak, and it was just easier to make payments from one account, rather then trying to dole it out evenly from both.

However, I will say that his parents were a total nightmare during our engagement and continued to be after our wedding. They had a multitude of personal issues that they seemed to crave imposing upon us. We went to counseling and the Catholic therapist instructed us to have nothing to do with his parents anymore. In December, it will be a year since we’ve seen them.

Obviously, that is an extreme step. My hubby’s parents are very toxic, but one area they attempted to control were our finances. His father, who has the same name (my husband is a “junior”) messed around with our bank account. His dad is actually senior vice president of the bank we originally had our account at, and we ended up having to move to a different bank because his dad had little concept of the inappopriateness of involving himself (and illegally, at that) in what was in our account at any given time. He threw a total tantrum when he found out that we planned on only having one account during marriage. He, to this day, after 32 years of marriage with my husband’s mother, has never shared an account with his wife. Until she began working, he would give her a small “allowance” each week instead. Now whatever she earns, she keeps, but she is required to pay certain household bills. His dad recently moved out…it’s all very sad.

Anyway, I would reccommend getting into counseling for this. Unlike basically everyone else who has posted on this thread, I do believe that people change. I have seen my husband go from being totally shut down by his parents to an extremely articulate protector and defender of the sanctity of our relationship. Counseling has been an ENORMOUS help. Our therapist said things to my husband that I had been saying all along, but that he needed to hear from an unbiased party. My husband has been able to deal with a lot of communication issues that he learned from HIS parents, and in turn has become even MORE giving, affectionate, clear-thinking and generally a stand up guy. I continually feel as though I am his number one priority, and this is such a blessing. During our engagement, I sometimes felt that his first priority was avoiding any conflict. 🙂 Since learning the tools of how to HAVE a conflict, he has totally embraced healthy communication and it’s benefited our marriage immensely.

As for living together…does your priest know this? Do you know what the Church’s teaching is on this matter? I understand the financial and emotional temptation to do so before marriage, but this is a time of necessary separation for the two of you before becoming one flesh in the sacrament of matrimony. Couples who live together before marriage have a much higher rate of divorce. Please consider rectifying this situation and separating until the two of you are wed in the eyes of God! 🙂 Your main job as a spouse is to enable your husband to get to heaven–endangering his immortal soul by living with him before marriage is a serious situation.
 
Tantum ergo:
Sorry if you thought I was nasty–certainly didn’t mean to be.
Figured that it was simply called something else there, and that if I mentioned the specifics, you would know.

Hope that you’re enjoying the classes and that you and your fiance will have a blessed wedding and life.
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thats ok thanks for the good wishes and sorry if i misinterpreted the CAPS.
 
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