StephanieC:
this was the thought that was germinating in my mind as I read through your questions & the forum’s responses to you…George2 beat me to the punch,
I’d like to add my :twocents: on this subject.
I was also concerned to hear of a living together situation before marriage. “But heck, we’re in the 21st century,” you might declare. I finished HS in the 70’s, when all the wisdom of the ages was chucked out the window as garbage and none of the rules were seen as valid.
Let me tell you, wisdom, especially that from God Himself, is Wisdom for our greater happiness. We should follow it closely. If you want a happy marriage, approach it as the sacred union it is. A degree of detachment is needed if you are going to discern with your head and heart what God desires for your greater happiness.
Sometimes, when we want a marriage NOW, we get something better by waiting for God’s plan. Perhaps it is exactly this relationship, but with the proper seasoning brought through the delay of time. Perhaps it’s a completely different person. But if you are already setting up house, you aren’t considering the realities of the situation with any degree of detachment. At this point in your relationship, this is what you need to allow you to properly discern your call to marriage.
I want to also echo the words of StephanieC asking you to consider the importance of a Single Head and a Single Heart in a marriage. It is important that the both of you enter your marriage understanding this, despite what our currently culture says. I grew up in a strongly matriarchal family, my grandmother ran a corporation (mind you, I’m not young, so she was doing this when “ladies” didn’t even drive, it was considered unseemly). She raised 7 children (with the help of a maid, whom my youngest aunt considers her true mother) and at one point she even went so far as to fire her husband (my grandfather). My mother was also a strong person in her own right, even though she didn’t work until I was 16 yrs old.
My father spent time assisting me with my math when I was young, such that I grew up loving the subject (lot’s of O’Chem, Engineering Calculus and Physics in college, yum). I charged out into the professional world and quickly climbed the career ladder (I won’t get into my “accomplishments” for fear that it would be an occation for Pride). I married a wonderful man who not only accepted my career, but who expected me to remain wedded to the climb. My realization that raising our daughter is a job of greater import than anything the corporate world could offer has been a bone of contention between us.
You’ve been wise enough to know that you have a potential problem and to bring it to a Catholic Forum for advice. Please consider all that the Church teaches with regards to the marital relationship. I wish I had been faithful to the Church when we were married. Many of the challenges I am currently facing should not be problems and could have either been easily resolved during our engagement or I would have realized that he was unwilling to ever address them.
Please, step back from this relationship, give it space while you do not have the blessing of marriage. Then consider if you want to accept him the way he is, accepting him as the God given authority in your life. If so, YOU may grow in wonderful ways. If not, you may choose to move on, but I don’t recommend entering the relationship with the intent of taking over (believe me, I’ve seen over the course of generations that God’s plan truly is best, despite what our culture claims).
If you are willing to take the challenging step of moving out before what you hope to be an upcoming wedding, I strongly believe you will find that which is better, either in this relationship or in another, better match.
God Bless you as you ponder your choices,
CARose
Your main job as a spouse is to enable your husband to get to heaven–endangering his immortal soul by living with him before marriage is a serious situation.
