Fiance's parents are upset

  • Thread starter Thread starter Trackee
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
All great advice. I would add that your husband-to-be needs to have a chit chat with his mother. I don’t like how she is reacting to your engagement/you. He needs to speak up for you now…before the wedding…or I feel she will talk like this after the wedding too.
 
Lucky7 said:
All great advice. I would add that your husband-to-be needs to have a chit chat with his mother. I don’t like how she is reacting to your engagement/you. He needs to speak up for you now…before the wedding…or I feel she will talk like this after the wedding too.
Click to expand...
I agree. It sounds like the most manipulative people in this situation is the grand parents. Once you are married and have you own home, the visits will be at YOUR place most of the time and the child will not be staying at granny’s and grampy’s anymore. The grand parents need to realize their place

CM
 
1ke said:
I assume he is paying child support.
Click to expand...
We can’t assume anything. You were right the first time: It is time that he quit depending on his child’s mother to give him his rights out of the goodness of her heart. If he is not paying child support in some formal way, it is time he does that, too, but that is something to take up with a lawyer.

He needs the appropriate lawyer. There isn’t much the OP can do except insist that he get one, for her sake, for the sake of their children, and for the sake of the child he already has. If his parents want him to maintain custody rights, they’ll help him to find one.

The OP needs to be present for these legal meetings, so the attorney can explain what her future income is going to have to do with this whole situation, what the inheritance situation is in their state, and can explain the trust and will situation to the OP, her fiance, and probably his parents, too. These are papers (that is, will and estate papers) to have in order when they marry, because the child from the previous relationship complicates things both legally and ethically.
 
By the way, OP: You can’t have a truly great relationship with a child if you intend to be cold towards his or her mother. It doesn’t work that way. You don’t have to be buddies with her, but you have to act towards her with great respect for her position as the mother of someone you love very much.
 
My advice, and you won’t like it…

Break off the engagement and let this man raise his daughter. He really shouldn’t be bringing anyone else into this highly unstable situation and I don’t care if his ex GF is nuts or not, she’s the mother of his daughter and ALWAYS will be. He has a responsibility to his daughter first, anyone else a distant last place.

You think you are going to love this little girl as your own? Highly unlikely. Nothing against you dear, but blood is thicker than water, you know? If you did marry this man and have children with him, you’re not going to see his previous daughter in the same way as you do your own, for one thing - she’s not going to be living with you full time. How lovely for her that she gets to visit her dad while your kids get to be with him all the time (sarcasm).

He made this child with his ex-GF. He needs to deal with her, and raise his daughter as best he can. I think his parents are looking out for the best interests of their grandchild and trying to remind him that he already has responsibilities.

I know you won’t like this advice, and probably others are going to flame me for it too, but that’s my opinion and I’m not going to apologize for it.
 
I found your answer a bit extreme. First it’s not because she is not the mother she can’t love her like her own child. What about adopted children? Plus they’ve been together for a while now, it’s not as if she has been responsible for the break up. Also the father of the child seems to be taking responsibility for his previous action and it’s like you’re blaming for the rest of his life forcing him to be with someone he does not love. What kind of logic is that? It’s a shame him and his baby mother are not together anymore but sometimes you have to let it go and learn from your mistakes. The child is here and it’s a beautiful thing but now everybody has to face reality and should stop using that child as an object of blackmail. Because at the end of the day she will be the one suffering the most.
TheRealJuliane said:
My advice, and you won’t like it…

Break off the engagement and let this man raise his daughter. He really shouldn’t be bringing anyone else into this highly unstable situation and I don’t care if his ex GF is nuts or not, she’s the mother of his daughter and ALWAYS will be. He has a responsibility to his daughter first, anyone else a distant last place.

You think you are going to love this little girl as your own? Highly unlikely. Nothing against you dear, but blood is thicker than water, you know? If you did marry this man and have children with him, you’re not going to see his previous daughter in the same way as you do your own, for one thing - she’s not going to be living with you full time. How lovely for her that she gets to visit her dad while your kids get to be with him all the time (sarcasm).

He made this child with his ex-GF. He needs to deal with her, and raise his daughter as best he can. I think his parents are looking out for the best interests of their grandchild and trying to remind him that he already has responsibilities.

I know you won’t like this advice, and probably others are going to flame me for it too, but that’s my opinion and I’m not going to apologize for it.
Click to expand...
 
TheRealJuliane said:
My advice, and you won’t like it…

Break off the engagement and let this man raise his daughter. He really shouldn’t be bringing anyone else into this highly unstable situation and I don’t care if his ex GF is nuts or not, she’s the mother of his daughter and ALWAYS will be. He has a responsibility to his daughter first, anyone else a distant last place.

You think you are going to love this little girl as your own? Highly unlikely. Nothing against you dear, but blood is thicker than water, you know? If you did marry this man and have children with him, you’re not going to see his previous daughter in the same way as you do your own, for one thing - she’s not going to be living with you full time. How lovely for her that she gets to visit her dad while your kids get to be with him all the time (sarcasm).

He made this child with his ex-GF. He needs to deal with her, and raise his daughter as best he can. I think his parents are looking out for the best interests of their grandchild and trying to remind him that he already has responsibilities.

I know you won’t like this advice, and probably others are going to flame me for it too, but that’s my opinion and I’m not going to apologize for it.
Click to expand...
Aren’t you saying then that this man can never marry another woman?
 
Lucky7 said:
Aren’t you saying then that this man can never marry another woman?
Click to expand...
Not until his daughter is grown and not in need of his support, correct, unless he marries his daughter’s mother.
 
Elisabethelisa said:
I found your answer a bit extreme. First it’s not because she is not the mother she can’t love her like her own child. What about adopted children? Plus they’ve been together for a while now, it’s not as if she has been responsible for the break up. Also the father of the child seems to be taking responsibility for his previous action and it’s like you’re blaming for the rest of his life forcing him to be with someone he does not love. What kind of logic is that? It’s a shame him and his baby mother are not together anymore but sometimes you have to let it go and learn from your mistakes. The child is here and it’s a beautiful thing but now everybody has to face reality and should stop using that child as an object of blackmail. Because at the end of the day she will be the one suffering the most.
Click to expand...
This is a very different situation from an adoption. This is the child of a previous relationship, which means that the mother is ALWAYS going to be involved. I acknowledge that the little girl will be hurt the most, and having another person and possibly another family created, will hurt her more than having her father remain her father. This was his decision in the first place and now, it’s about his daughter and no longer about him.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
This is a very different situation from an adoption. This is the child of a previous relationship, which means that the mother is ALWAYS going to be involved. I acknowledge that the little girl will be hurt the most, and having another person and possibly another family created, will hurt her more than having her father remain her father. This was his decision in the first place and now, it’s about his daughter and no longer about him.
Click to expand...
This does not have to be the case. My parents were split up when I was a little girl and both my parent remarried. I love my step-mother very much and she is a great deal of support in my life. Her children are my siblings and I live them as well. I wish my parents had not split up in the first place, but I am glad that my family turned out the way it did. I have never been jealous of my siblings because they got to live with my dad and I didn’t. The thought never entered my mind. However, alot depends on the adults and how they handle it. My step-mother and step-father know what “step” implies. (Love, patience, sacrifice, and pretty much no rights whatsoever) My parents are also close and have always been determined that even though they failed as spouses initially, they would not fail as parents. I’m not sure that the OP is ready to go about this correctly or even has very realistic expectations. It is not necessary for the OP to love the little girl as her own daughter. She needs to love her as her step-daughter and know the difference.
 
A lot of the child’s Mother’s nagging/agression could simply be put down to the fact that she has been abandoned and is raising a child alone-albeit with the odd weekend where her ex is looking after the child. Even if the break up was mutual/happy/peaceful, it must be very hard and tiring for her. Women are not supposed to do it alone, even if many sadly do. Something to think about.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
My advice, and you won’t like it…

Break off the engagement and let this man raise his daughter. He really shouldn’t be bringing anyone else into this highly unstable situation and I don’t care if his ex GF is nuts or not, she’s the mother of his daughter and ALWAYS will be. He has a responsibility to his daughter first, anyone else a distant last place.

You think you are going to love this little girl as your own? Highly unlikely. Nothing against you dear, but blood is thicker than water, you know? If you did marry this man and have children with him, you’re not going to see his previous daughter in the same way as you do your own, for one thing - she’s not going to be living with you full time. How lovely for her that she gets to visit her dad while your kids get to be with him all the time (sarcasm).

He made this child with his ex-GF. He needs to deal with her, and raise his daughter as best he can. I think his parents are looking out for the best interests of their grandchild and trying to remind him that he already has responsibilities.

I know you won’t like this advice, and probably others are going to flame me for it too, but that’s my opinion and I’m not going to apologize for it.
Click to expand...
No need to get sarcastic with the OP, she has done nothing wrong and seems very family minded and like she’s trying to do what’s best for the little girl and her fiance.

Its completely absurd to think that in getting married he’s abandoning his responsibilities. He can be a father and a husband. And giving his child new siblings is a good and joyful thing, not a punishment. If the OP is determined to be a good, attentive, and supportive stepmother this child’s family will grow, and there will be more people to love and be there for her. If her mom really is nuts the child will have someone to turn to for help.

I was abused by my stepfather, but even I can acknowledge that many people love their stepparents, and that they are often a blessing to the family and children. Of course they need family counseling to make this as smooth as possible, lots of communication, lots of patience, and plenty of understanding. But if they are determined this can be a great thing for everyone. Actually, I think it will be easier because the child doesn’t live with her father full time. The stepmom can kind of be a gradual transition.

He should not have to put getting married and having more children on hold for 18 years because he already has a child that he only has joint custody and/or visitation with. Especially since any issues that arise can be worked through.
 
hannajomar said:
Most states do not have legal grandparents’ rights.
Click to expand...
This is untrue. A number of courts have recently determined that state statutes providing visitation to grandparents are unconstitutional. So far, California, Iowa, New Jersey, New York, Florida, Tennessee, and Washington grandparent visitation laws are unconstitutional.

Here’s a state-by-state list of grandparent rights:

Grandparent rights
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Not until his daughter is grown and not in need of his support, correct, unless he marries his daughter’s mother.
Click to expand...
This goes far beyond what the Church requires. You don’t know that the mother of his child is even capable of a valid marriage. If he marries well, it could be the best thing that ever happens to that child. It would hardly be the first time.

The OP ought to be careful to get counselling concerning what she is getting into and what skills and strategies this situation will ask of her. I wouldn’t advise her to automatically break up, but she does need to understand and accept what a difficult obligation she is taking on. It could be more than worth it, but she is unlikely to “back into” doing it well. She needs to have her eyes open and take it on with a big heart.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
No need to get sarcastic with the OP, she has done nothing wrong and seems very family minded and like she’s trying to do what’s best for the little girl and her fiance.

Its completely absurd to think that in getting married he’s abandoning his responsibilities. He can be a father and a husband. And giving his child new siblings is a good and joyful thing, not a punishment. If the OP is determined to be a good, attentive, and supportive stepmother this child’s family will grow, and there will be more people to love and be there for her. If her mom really is nuts the child will have someone to turn to for help.

I was abused by my stepfather, but even I can acknowledge that many people love their stepparents, and that they are often a blessing to the family and children. Of course they need family counseling to make this as smooth as possible, lots of communication, lots of patience, and plenty of understanding. But if they are determined this can be a great thing for everyone. Actually, I think it will be easier because the child doesn’t live with her father full time. The stepmom can kind of be a gradual transition.

He should not have to put getting married and having more children on hold for 18 years because he already has a child that he only has joint custody and/or visitation with. Especially since any issues that arise can be worked through.
Click to expand...
I was not being sarcastic in the least. That is my advice, period. I have reasons for giving that advice and the OP asked for all (name removed by moderator)ut and opinions.

We will never agree about a parent’s responsibilities once the children are born. I would say the same about divorced parents. The choice was made to have sex with that person, and the child resulted from it. Pity, but that’s what happened. So now, you give up your own selfish desires and do what’s best for the child. Having step-siblings who live with your father while you get to visit is not in his daughter’s best interest.
 
EasterJoy said:
This goes far beyond what the Church requires. You don’t know that the mother of his child is even capable of a valid marriage. If he marries well, it could be the best thing that ever happens to that child. It would hardly be the first time.

The OP ought to be careful to get counselling concerning what she is getting into and what skills and strategies this situation will ask of her. I wouldn’t advise her to automatically break up, but she does need to understand and accept what a difficult obligation she is taking on. It could be more than worth it, but she is unlikely to “back into” doing it well. She needs to have her eyes open and take it on with a big heart.
Click to expand...
In this instance, I don’t care what the Church requires. He made that child with that particular girl. He found her suitable to have intercourse with. So if she’s not suitable to marry, that’s on him, isn’t it. It’s too late to say, “Oh, but I wouldn’t have, if I’d only known!” You did, and time to be a father and yes, sacrifice for your child. Having to come and go from her father’s new home and new children (of course they will have children) really SUCKS, especially when everyone is going to be telling her, “Aren’t you so LUCKY to have your new Mommy??” :mad:

Yeah, sure, it’s great to have a bunch of step-siblings who get to stay with Daddy full-time while you only see him every other week. Just great.

:rolleyes:
 
TheRealJuliane said:
I was not being sarcastic in the least. That is my advice, period. I have reasons for giving that advice and the OP asked for all (name removed by moderator)ut and opinions.

We will never agree about a parent’s responsibilities once the children are born. I would say the same about divorced parents. The choice was made to have sex with that person, and the child resulted from it. Pity, but that’s what happened. So now, you give up your own selfish desires and do what’s best for the child. Having step-siblings who live with your father while you get to visit is not in his daughter’s best interest.
Click to expand...
I disagree, but I would like to point out that in your original response you admitted to using sarcasm.

I think that your outlook is way too broad and fails to take in to account all sorts of loving people and families. Many people are remarried with loving spouses and are excellent parents. If done right its not selfish.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top