Fiance's parents are upset

[Allegra]

He will also find himself liable for back child support starting when the child was born.

I suspect this might be what’s holding things up. It sounds like it is unlikely that he can prove that he’s paid anything.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Despite not knowing enough, you’re the one who advisd the OP to break off the engagement.

Color me

I stand by my opinion. Given what she has told us, which is from her POV and may not include the full situation, I still believe that the father of the little girl should not marry until she has grown up and left his home. Or, he should work out the problems between them and marry the person he chose to have sex with and make a child with. It’s just no longer about him.

In any case, if she chooses to go forward, the OP will have to deal with the mother of her husband’s daughter for a long time. At least until the daughter is grown and has left the house.

 

[Trackee]

I was the first on this thread to make the suggestion of contacting a lawyer, and while I despise one parent using his/her children as a manipulative tool against the other, and I *do *believe in using the courts if necessary to secure parental rights…I think that in giving my suggestion I may have jumped the gun without giving too much consideration to the entire situation. After more thought, I have to acknowledge that there is some sense in what TheRealJuliane is saying, even if I remain uncertain as to her conclusive advice.

(emphasis mine)

As to the father of the child: We don’t know what he was like in high school, and we don’t know what he is like now - whether he has matured, is really trying to do right by his child, etc. We *do *know however that he never married the mother of his child, and in fact agreed to terminate the relationship a mere three months after the birth. Yes, times have changed, but back in the day it would have been expected for a man to assume responsibility and form a stable family (marriage) if a pregnancy resulted from engaging in sexual intimacy. Did he ever propose to the mother, and was rejected by her? Or did he never make the attempt at all? Maybe the ex-girlfriend is crazy or a less-than gracious person, who knows…but Juliane made a reasonable point - he didn’t really mind what her mental state was at the time he was having sex with her, did he? Perhaps it would have been in the best interest of the child he helped to create to have sacrificed his temporary happiness in order to do the honorable thing. Maybe this concept still holds true today?

As to the grandparents: While the ultimate authority does not lie with them, I’ve considered this a bit more from their probable viewpoint, and I can’t fairly say that this is none of their business and that they should butt out. In their defense, let’s consider this - who do we think stepped in to help when this child was born? Isn’t it likely that it was the *grandparents *(either the paternal or maternal ones) who were providing the roof over the child’s head and assuming a great part of the financial burden themselves? Remember, these parents were 17 year-old high school children at the time the child was conceived, and it is highly unlikely they survived all on their own. It is actually quite often that irresponsible teenagers (and sometimes young adults as well) create children and then leave much of the responsibility of actually *caring *for those children to the grandparents, whether it is in the form of babysitting, feeding and clothing or providing other financial support in terms of rent, food, and/or medical bills. I agree that these grandparents (the actual responsible ones) probably only want what’s best for the child, and that it is not just about control or dislike of the OP. What’s best for children is usually a stable, 2-parent home consisting of the biological mother and father (assuming of course, that the biological parents are not abusive or too incompetent to provide adequate care.)

As to the mother of the child: It is possible that she is a malicious and vindicative person, we don’t know. It is *also *possible however, that she is simply afraid of raising a child alone and is using this ploy as an attempt to regain some control over a situation that has left the greater burden of care upon her shoulders. I have to admit, if I were a young and single mother who (and let’s face it, she probably doesn’t have the best education under her belt and therefore not the best career and income opportunities), I would probably be very worried that a new fiancee would be a threat to the security of my offspring. I’m not saying that threats to withhold the child are the right way to go about it, but I’m just making the point that she is young and maybe in a very unstable position and is acting out of fear.

OP, I don’t mean to cast aspersions upon your fiance, and I’m not going to suggest that you break up with him. You are both young though, and even though you love him I do want you to consider whether he really is going to be a responsible mate for you. I don’t really know what is the best option in light of not knowing all of the details, except that perhaps what *everyone *in this situation should do is put aside their own self-interests and allow for the best decision to be made for the child.

I appreciate your advice on the matter, but you have made quite a lot of assumptions regarding the people in this situation and yes you do not know full details. With that being said, I’m not exactly on this site to read made up material concerning my fiance. I am engaged and in doing so I am promising to marry my fiance and be with him for the rest of my life. Although I appreciate your concern, I am not asking for advice of whether he is the right one for me or not because I have already determined that otherwise I would not have agreed to marry him. Yes I might be young but I’m not stupid. There have been many things I have thought about regarding this situation and there have been many discussions as well. I did not just blindly agree to marry him.

 

[Trackee]

I suspect this might be what’s holding things up. It sounds like it is unlikely that he can prove that he’s paid anything.

Um no actually he does have proof for everything he has paid for.

 

[SamH]

Um no actually he does have proof for everything he has paid for.

Is there a legal custody agreement?

 

[lerapt78]

I appreciate your advice on the matter, but you have made quite a lot of assumptions regarding the people in this situation and yes you do not know full details.

It was at the time I made my first post that I was actually making the assumptions. The assumption was that the ex-girlfriend was a less-than-honorable person and everyone else was a victim to her actions. The first assumption I made is in fact one that you perhaps most wanted to hear. In my following post I tried to make it clear that it’s true, I don’t know all of the details, but I was playing devil’s advocate and offering a different perspective on things.

With that being said, I’m not exactly on this site to read made up material concerning my fiance. I am engaged and in doing so I am promising to marry my fiance and be with him for the rest of my life. Although I appreciate your concern, I am not asking for advice of whether he is the right one for me or not because I have already determined that otherwise I would not have agreed to marry him.

With all due respect, and in my defense, your fiance is at the heart of the matter. So it’s a bit difficult to give advice concerning his child without bringing him under observation as well.

There are many threads on this forum from people seeking advice in relationship difficulties; many of them from individuals who are engaged and not yet married. It is very often that those who reply ask the OPs to do a bit of soul-searching and question whether or not the engagements are really in their bests interests, even if that advice was not originally asked for. In order to avoid unwanted advice, sometimes posters have to make emphatic disclaimers specifying which advice they do not wish to hear. It may seem unnecessary at the time, but these kinds of omissions tend to leave the door wide open for a very wide range of opinion. Despite your polite reply, I feel I have offended you, and I apologize. Since you are absolutely confirmed in your decision, I will certainly respect it henceforth.

Yes I might be young but I’m not stupid. There have been many things I have thought about regarding this situation and there have been many discussions as well. I did not just blindly agree to marry him.

I never said you were stupid, and I hope I didn’t imply that you have been acting blindly. I only didn’t know that you gave careful thought toward whether or not you should continue the engagement because again, you didn’t specifically state that.

So at this point, since you stand firm in your determination to marry your fiance, I’ll respect your intelligence and assume that you won’t be offended by a bit of bluntness: You have already gotten the best advice as to what your fiance should do to protect his custodial rights in the face of the ex-girlfriend’s threats. As to your concerns about your fiance’s future relations with his ex-girlfriend, this is the part where you may have to capitulate to certain circumstances - she is the mother of his child and always will be a part of his life, even if it is a small one. You expressed that you do not want your fiance to have a friendship with his ex-girlfriend, but this strikes me as being something you may have to resign yourself to, because in loving his child as you would your own, you certainly must realize that it is best for his child to have parents who can get along well-enough with each other to consider themselves friends?

I understand you may not like the idea, but at the risk of sounding assumptive again, it seems as though you want to unequivocally resolve yourself to marriage with a man who has outlying responsibilities at no risk to yourself. I understand the desire, I’m just not sure that it’s reasonable in light of the situation. Please correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds as though you are afraid that any contact between your fiance and the mother of his child that extends beyond a mere cordial “Hello” will result in his getting back together with her. Unfortunately, this is the downside of your decision, and part of the whole “package”; therefore, it is also something to which you may have to resign yourself.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

It was at the time I made my first post that I was actually making the assumptions. The assumption was that the ex-girlfriend was a less-than-honorable person and everyone else was a victim to her actions. The first assumption I made is in fact one that you perhaps most wanted to hear. In my following post I tried to make it clear that it’s true, I don’t know all of the details, but I was playing devil’s advocate and offering a different perspective on things.

To be completely fair though anyone who makes a child’s father and grandparents worry about not being “allowed” to see the child is a less than honorable person.

 

[lerapt78]

To be completely fair though anyone who makes a child’s father and grandparents worry about not being “allowed” to see the child is a less than honorable person.

Yes, I would agree very much. I do not like games being played when it comes to children. I’m just taking a few factors into consideration, such as her age and the fact that she never had the security of a husband when she was young and pregnant. I think the mother is probably feeling a bit desperate, and reacting out of turn. But ultimately you are correct - it’s not a noble thing to do, even if it’s just a bluff.

 

[EasterJoy]

He does pay child support but informally since there has been nothing legally enforced. He usually pays whatever his ex requests as long as it is reasonable and there are receipts provided for things that the she has bought for the child that needs to be reimbursed. I like the idea of getting a custody agreement in place so there won’t be any more threatening/manipulation on the ex-girlfriend’s part.

My main concern is that his parents especially his mother does not support the engagement because she thinks that the ex-girlfriend will get upset about it and “take away” his child from him and his family. I almost feel guilty that I’m the cause of this because she makes it seem like she is telling him to either pick me or his child. Personally I think that one’s vocation is a highly important matter in ones life and marriage isn’t something that should just be ignored because it is a calling to a life that God calls you to. What (name removed by moderator)ut do you have? I don’t see why both me and his child can be a part of his life instead of a separation where he has to pick either me or his child. His child is only 4 years old at the moment so I’m not sure whether she will understand what is happening at the moment.

You’re not the cause of anything bad going on here, at least not based on anything you’ve posted so far. Your fiance is going to get married some day, for better or worse it almost certainly is not going to be to the mother of his daughter, and from what I gather, he, his daughter, and her mother could hardly do better in the stepmother department than you. You have a good head on your shoulders and you don’t have this sense of entitlement that your fiance’s life decisions all have to revolve around your selfish interests, instead of beliving that your life will most rightly be about the two of you taking on all your responsibilities and challenges together for the common good of all around you, whether that is for better or worse in terms of difficulty.

Family law can be something to do informally, but only under the advice of an attorney. A good attorney will, for instance, be able to tell your fiance whether he already has a better situation than a judge will give him and how to prepare himself for the possible situation where his daughter’s mom tries to make a legal case out of this. A good attorney knows when and how to let sleeping dogs lie. The child’s mother may even decide that she does not want to pursue any withdrawal of contact just by the fact that the child’s father has his case already prepared to force her hand out of what has been an amiable (and inexpensive) co-parenting relationship. Good attorneys aren’t cheap, but the cheapest law is law that never goes to court.

This is definitely a case where a penny invested can save a pound later, both in money and in emotional turmoil. Encourage your husband to get his legal ducks in a row, and with any luck the legal side of his parenting will never come to more than that, particularly if his daughter’s mom sees you as a support to their co-parenting arrangement and her place as mother. I think this would be the best thing that could happen for his daughter: that is, that she can say, “My parents figured out how to take care of me together and let me be part of both families without fighting or getting a judge into the middle of it, and both Dad’s wife and Mom’s husband and all my siblings were always great to me about it.” You are the first stepparent in this situation. Set the tone, and let it be a gracious, loving, and yet a firm and wise tone. That is the goal: be a good force, but nobody’s fool. Keep your eye on it.

 

[Trackee]

Is there a legal custody agreement?

No there is no legal custody agreement in place. He paid monthly payments that she requested that she needed for the child and other necessities needed. They decided to keep things informal and for some reason a custody agreement was never put in place despite her threats etc. But I think it’s time for something to be put in place because I am not sure how she will react to his engagement. His mother seems to think that she will be upset but I am not exactly sure what will happen. It has been more than 4 years since they broke up and she was the one that ended the relationship. He kept records of the payments since the time the child was born till now just in case that if things did end up in court that it wouldn’t be possible for her to claim that he didn’t pay anything.

 

[Delaine75]

He does pay child support but informally since there has been nothing legally enforced. He usually pays whatever his ex requests as long as it is reasonable and there are receipts provided for things that the she has bought for the child that needs to be reimbursed. I like the idea of getting a custody agreement in place so there won’t be any more threatening/manipulation on the ex-girlfriend’s part.

My main concern is that his parents especially his mother does not support the engagement because she thinks that the ex-girlfriend will get upset about it and “take away” his child from him and his family. I almost feel guilty that I’m the cause of this because she makes it seem like she is telling him to either pick me or his child. Personally I think that one’s vocation is a highly important matter in ones life and marriage isn’t something that should just be ignored because it is a calling to a life that God calls you to. What (name removed by moderator)ut do you have? I don’t see why both me and his child can be a part of his life instead of a separation where he has to pick either me or his child. His child is only 4 years old at the moment so I’m not sure whether she will understand what is happening at the moment.

OK, here is what I would suggest to your fiance: It’s WONDERFUL that he’s paying some child support, even informally. What he should do is set up a specified amount per week or per month and give it to her, not expecting her to show him receipts for reimbursement. Have him give it to her in either a check with “child support” written in the memo section or by some other way of keeping track of his payments, that way when (not if, but when, LOL) it goes to court regarding a custody arrangement, he will have a record of what he has paid and she can’t claim he didn’t pay her anything on a regular basis. Child support is an obligation once you have a child, and it seems your fiance has realized that, and it’s great that he’s doing his part. Just definitely make sure that he has a way of keeping very clear records of everything he pays out to her and that it is specifically for child support. A lot of parents (my ex-husband, for example) don’t even bother to pay court-ordered child support, so kudos to your husband for providing financial help for his child.

As for the second part, he should not have to choose between you and his child. That is unreasonable. I’ve seen some of the comments on here about how he should wait until the child is an adult before he has a relationship, and that’s just not right. He should be able to have BOTH of you in his life. I really feel that once a custody order is in place and his parents realize that his ex cannot continue to manipulate her way through things and use this innocent child as a pawn to get what she wants, their attitude toward you and your engagement may change. This man’s ex should definitely not have as much power over everyone as she does. Keeping you guys in prayer and let us know how it turns out!

 

[Delaine75]

No there is no legal custody agreement in place. He paid monthly payments that she requested that she needed for the child and other necessities needed. They decided to keep things informal and for some reason a custody agreement was never put in place despite her threats etc. But I think it’s time for something to be put in place because I am not sure how she will react to his engagement. His mother seems to think that she will be upset but I am not exactly sure what will happen. It has been more than 4 years since they broke up and she was the one that ended the relationship. He kept records of the payments since the time the child was born till now just in case that if things did end up in court that it wouldn’t be possible for her to claim that he didn’t pay anything.

Well that just answered a lot of the things I mentioned in my last response, LOL! Sorry, I guess I should have read this before I posted, LOL!

 

[Trackee]

It was at the time I made my first post that I was actually making the assumptions. The assumption was that the ex-girlfriend was a less-than-honorable person and everyone else was a victim to her actions. The first assumption I made is in fact one that you perhaps most wanted to hear. In my following post I tried to make it clear that it’s true, I don’t know all of the details, but I was playing devil’s advocate and offering a different perspective on things.

With all due respect, and in my defense, your fiance is at the heart of the matter. So it’s a bit difficult to give advice concerning his child without bringing him under observation as well.

There are many threads on this forum from people seeking advice in relationship difficulties; many of them from individuals who are engaged and not yet married. It is very often that those who reply ask the OPs to do a bit of soul-searching and question whether or not the engagements are really in their bests interests, even if that advice was not originally asked for. In order to avoid unwanted advice, sometimes posters have to make emphatic disclaimers specifying which advice they do not wish to hear. It may seem unnecessary at the time, but these kinds of omissions tend to leave the door wide open for a very wide range of opinion. Despite your polite reply, I feel I have offended you, and I apologize. Since you are absolutely confirmed in your decision, I will certainly respect it henceforth.

I never said you were stupid, and I hope I didn’t imply that you have been acting blindly. I only didn’t know that you gave careful thought toward whether or not you should continue the engagement because again, you didn’t specifically state that.

So at this point, since you stand firm in your determination to marry your fiance, I’ll respect your intelligence and assume that you won’t be offended by a bit of bluntness: You have already gotten the best advice as to what your fiance should do to protect his custodial rights in the face of the ex-girlfriend’s threats. As to your concerns about your fiance’s future relations with his ex-girlfriend, this is the part where you may have to capitulate to certain circumstances - she is the mother of his child and always will be a part of his life, even if it is a small one. You expressed that you do not want your fiance to have a friendship with his ex-girlfriend, but this strikes me as being something you may have to resign yourself to, because in loving his child as you would your own, you certainly must realize that it is best for his child to have parents who can get along well-enough with each other to consider themselves friends?

I understand you may not like the idea, but at the risk of sounding assumptive again, it seems as though you want to unequivocally resolve yourself to marriage with a man who has outlying responsibilities at no risk to yourself. I understand the desire, I’m just not sure that it’s reasonable in light of the situation. Please correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds as though you are afraid that any contact between your fiance and the mother of his child that extends beyond a mere cordial “Hello” will result in his getting back together with her. Unfortunately, this is the downside of your decision, and part of the whole “package”; therefore, it is also something to which you may have to resign yourself.

Thank-you for your apology. And instead of generally saying friendship I’m going to give out a little more detail. While his parents want him to go over to her place and spend time with both the mother and the child, both me and him think that doing this is unnecessary. The only time they would hang out is on the child’s birthday party and they both act respectfully towards each other for the sake of the child. He does not want to go beyond what is necessary in order to take care of his child. He only wants to talk with her concerning with matters about the child. And no I’m not afraid of them getting back together. If that was the case, it would have already happened. I am not the one telling him not to be friends with her. It is something that he decided to do on his own whether or not I am in his life or not. Yes he does talk with her about matters concerning the child but does not feel that it is necessary to talk with her about anything else. If the child is present they both will be polite and respectful to one another. And I agree with his decisions in regard to how he treats his ex. He is not being disrespectful to her in any way. She, on the other hand, thinks that he should be going on outings with her and because he does not agree, she starts to threaten to take away his child from her. The way I see it is that she is using his child to try to manipulate him and he sees that and does not want that. From your assumptions I gather that you think that my fiance abandoned his ex and their child and soon as the child was born. They were having problems much before the child was ever conceived. He had found out later on that the reason that she wanted a child with him was so that he would be interested in her again because he was losing interest in their relationship and she thought that if they had a child together that he would have to remain in the relationship with her. I am not going to go into (which I am not going to say) in order so that she could conceive. If she did not want to be pregnant she would not have done it (I don’t feel comfortable explaining the details of what exactly she did). Also, she is two years old than him. While he was in highschool, she was well out of highschool. So I think that says something as well. The way she is acting now is that she is trying to make his life a living hell by using the child to manipulate him to do what she wants. In the end, she broke up with him not the other way around.

 

[Trackee]

Well that just answered a lot of the things I mentioned in my last response, LOL! Sorry, I guess I should have read this before I posted, LOL!

He keeps track of it because he gets a money order instead of giving cash or a cheque. As far as keeping in touch with his child he used to spend every weekend with her but his ex got upset about something and reduced it to once every 2 weeks. The reasons she gets upset are reasons such as him not going out with them all together and she has her own opinion of how he should interact with his child. She wants him to hug her and say particular things to her but the way I see it is that he should be able to interact with her child in whatever way he wants as long as it is loving. He should have to say particular things and hug her just so that his ex sees him doing this. He does show affection to his child when they hang out together because I have seen it.

 

[Trackee]

You’re not the cause of anything bad going on here, at least not based on anything you’ve posted so far. Your fiance is going to get married some day, for better or worse it almost certainly is not going to be to the mother of his daughter, and from what I gather, he, his daughter, and her mother could hardly do better in the stepmother department than you. You have a good head on your shoulders and you don’t have this sense of entitlement that your fiance’s life decisions all have to revolve around your selfish interests, instead of beliving that your life will most rightly be about the two of you taking on all your responsibilities and challenges together for the common good of all around you, whether that is for better or worse in terms of difficulty.

Family law can be something to do informally, but only under the advice of an attorney. A good attorney will, for instance, be able to tell your fiance whether he already has a better situation than a judge will give him and how to prepare himself for the possible situation where his daughter’s mom tries to make a legal case out of this. A good attorney knows when and how to let sleeping dogs lie. The child’s mother may even decide that she does not want to pursue any withdrawal of contact just by the fact that the child’s father has his case already prepared to force her hand out of what has been an amiable (and inexpensive) co-parenting relationship. Good attorneys aren’t cheap, but the cheapest law is law that never goes to court.

This is definitely a case where a penny invested can save a pound later, both in money and in emotional turmoil. Encourage your husband to get his legal ducks in a row, and with any luck the legal side of his parenting will never come to more than that, particularly if his daughter’s mom sees you as a support to their co-parenting arrangement and her place as mother. I think this would be the best thing that could happen for his daughter: that is, that she can say, “My parents figured out how to take care of me together and let me be part of both families without fighting or getting a judge into the middle of it, and both Dad’s wife and Mom’s husband and all my siblings were always great to me about it.” You are the first stepparent in this situation. Set the tone, and let it be a gracious, loving, and yet a firm and wise tone. That is the goal: be a good force, but nobody’s fool. Keep your eye on it.

Hmm do you think it would be wise to write a letter to his ex in light of our recent engagement because of the fact that she will want to know that if her daughter comes to our house once we are married that she will be comfortable that her daughter is going to well-treated etc? Like if I had a child out of wedlock, I would want to know that the person my ex is marrying is someone that I could feel comfortable around my daughter? Maybe I could even outline how things will be in the future. While she used to threaten my fiance’s parents, maybe I could let her know that this will not be the case anymore and that both me and my fiance will be looking into a custodial agreement so that there is a set procedure in which to follow. Do you think this is a good idea? And I could then tell her if she would like to call to ask anymore questions then we could discuss what the future will be like in light of the best interests of the child? And then I could also talk to a lawyer informally in order to discuss a custody agreement?

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

Trackee, you did not address this to me; however, as a step-parent and step-parent advocate with quite a bit of first-hand experience with most things surrounding child custody and visitation, here are my thoughts:

Hmm do you think it would be wise to write a letter to his ex in light of our recent engagement because of the fact that she will want to know that if her daughter comes to our house once we are married that she will be comfortable that her daughter is going to well-treated etc?

No, I do not think this would be wise. First, all communication should be between your fiance and bio mom. They are the parents. They need to sort through and communicate about these issues themselves. Second, you would be acting against your and your fiance’s own best interests if you make contact with bio mom. In the hands of the right family law attorney, your contacting bio mom - no matter how well-meaning your intentions - could be construed as harassment. If bio mom lawyers up at any point in the foreseeable future or lets on to a judge or mediator that you yourself have been in contact with her, it could come back to haunt you. Officers of the court take a dim view of third party involvement in custody issues. I personally have seen judges suspend visitation for this.

Maybe I could even outline how things will be in the future.

And bio mom can turn around and use anything you write against you if things get acrimonious in the future. Besides, how in the world do you how anything is going to be in the future? Commit anything in writing now and your situation changes, too bad. You’re on the hook for what you said.

While she used to threaten my fiance’s parents, maybe I could let her know that this will not be the case anymore and that both me and my fiance will be looking into a custodial agreement so that there is a set procedure in which to follow. Do you think this is a good idea?

Absolutely a bad idea. First, custody belongs to the biological parents only. Custody has nothing to do with you. Second, contacting her telling her that the two of you are going to be looking into a custodial agreement could be seen by the courts are you guys threatening to try to take custody away from bio mom, another thing judges really don’t like. Fiance and bio mom should be working together to hammer out a custody agreement.

And I could then tell her if she would like to call to ask anymore questions then we could discuss what the future will be like in light of the best interests of the child?

You can discuss this until everyone is blue in the face, but it will be nothing and will be completely unenforceable until it’s on file with the courts.

And then I could also talk to a lawyer informally in order to discuss a custody agreement?

No attorney is going to talk with you - a third party - about a child custody situation that legally does not involve you. From a legal standpoint, you are a third part in this. And besides, there are no “informal” discussions with attorneys.

Like I mentioned previously, you should meet with an attorney to see what your legal obligations will be vis-a-vis child support based on the state where you live.

Trackee, I know your heart in in the right place. But the sooner you realize your very limited place in all of this, the better. Custody, parenting agreements, and visitation are all between your fiance and bio mom only. Not you. Not grandparents.

And, again, I cannot stress enough how very important it is for your fiance to retain an attorney ASAP. Like, yesterday.

Luna

 

[1ke]

Hmm do you think it would be wise to write a letter to his ex in light of our recent engagement because of the fact that she will want to know that if her daughter comes to our house once we are married that she will be comfortable that her daughter is going to well-treated etc?

Heck no.

This person has already proven to be volatile and unpredictable. Do not give her anything in writing, do not tip her off that your fiance is planning a custody move. YOU should not contact her at all. Your fiance should be the one to interact with her, introduce the two of you, etc.

Like if I had a child out of wedlock, I would want to know that the person my ex is marrying is someone that I could feel comfortable around my daughter?

That can be accomplished by having her over (as a couple) or meeting her for lunch.

Maybe I could even outline how things will be in the future. While she used to threaten my fiance’s parents, maybe I could let her know that this will not be the case anymore and that both me and my fiance will be looking into a custodial agreement so that there is a set procedure in which to follow. Do you think this is a good idea? And I could then tell her if she would like to call to ask anymore questions then we could discuss what the future will be like in light of the best interests of the child? And then I could also talk to a lawyer informally in order to discuss a custody agreement?

ASOLUTELY NOT.

Do not do anything resembling the above without the advice of an attorney.

And, you are not the one to talk to the lawyer, your fiance needs to do so. Where is he in all this?

 

[LeahInancsi]

I apologize for not having to patience to read every response. I’m sure someone has said what I’m about to say.

The OP does not mention whose name is on the birth certificate as FATHER. Many unwed girls will list the father as “unknown”. He needs to file a Paternity suit and get legal paternity of this child. This means child support which is a legal obligation as well as a moral obligation. The court will tell the mother when the father can see the child and if she doesn’t comply, he and grandmother can take her to court.

The child’s mother cannot the father and his family hostage for the next 18 years. Most of all, it’s not fair to the child. This stuff is very black and white. No questions.

I agree with the post above. The father should contact a lawyer and file the lawsuit without any notification. That is something he should not tell his friends if we’re worried about the mother learning of goings on from his friends.

 

[Lucky7]

And, you are not the one to talk to the lawyer, your fiance needs to do so. Where is he in all this?

Yes, where is he? Maybe I just haven’t read it, but has the OP talked to her fiance about retaining a lawyer yet? If so, what did he say?

Wrt the finace talking to the lawyer, can the OP join him in this discussion since she will be marrying him? If so, I think this would show a united front and would send a message to both the bio-mom and the grandparents that the OP is here to stay. They may not like it, but they will need to accept it. I really think this is an important message to send.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

This is what I would like to do but aren’t I out of line here? I am engaged to him but isn’t he still bound to obey his parents since he is living with them? I feel that I can only do this once we get married and are living together. I am not sure why his parents are giving in to being manipulated by her instead of doing this but I feel out of line to question it at the moment. Should I maybe speak with a lawyer about the situation but not actually officially enforce anything?

You and he should talk to a good family lawyer to see what your rights and responsibilities are.

His first responsibilities are to 1. his child and to 2. his fiance, not to his parents. If he cannot stand up to his family, you should not consider marriage to him.

Ideally, he and the mother of his child should work out a visitation and child support agreement, perhaps with the help of a mediator. If she is not agreeable to that, he should petition the family court for an agreement.

Yes, of course you should be open with the mother of his child that you are planning to marry and that you will treat the child with the greatest consideration.