Finding a Catholic Spouse

[Ankabaranka_87]

Pray for patience. That’s all I can give as advice lol. I don’t know if there are certain clubs or websites you should join that will help you find your significant other, but it doesn’t hurt to try. From what I have observed with close/married couples it was a matter of chance. My brother would go to church every Sunday looking for a girl to date/whatever. On the Sunday he wasn’t really looking at girls…he met what became his future wife.

I am in a program that consists of 85% males (aka engineering) and part of clubs where mostly guys partake (Catholic, dancing, engineers without borders, if anyone asks), and part of a university where there are more guys than girls. You would think that it would be easy to find that other half. I gotta say, despite these possible chances…and guys that fit “the criteria” (faithful Catholic, etc), I still haven’t found him! (also, I am not manly, or have manly features, if anyone suspects that lol - had some people ask me ‘you are a pretty girl, how come you don’t have a bf?’).

Anyways, what I mean to say, it will come - when you least expect it. I think the best explanation is this passage my friend found on facebook under the ‘Wedding book’ application. it was inspiring for me at least. I wish I could be able to tell you who wrote this, but unfortunately, I forgot to ask my friend. Maybe it will help you .

“My mom was 19 when she got married. I’ll be 29 which is much older than I thought I’d be. I remember when I was 4, I wanted to marry my little boyfriend and my mom kept telling me that people couldn’t marry till they were at least 18. 18 seems like such a long time. I was going to have to wait forever. Then my mom kept telling me that even 18 was too young. By high school my goal was to marry at 25 by the latest, but ultimately God taught me patience, and I spent the majority of my 20’s prayerfully striving to have a content heart and to live out my single years well. I gave up looking at wedding dresses and just focused on living my life in loving service to others by volunteering my time in different ministries. I also took my focus off of relationships. It took me a long time to even begin praying for a spouse because I felt even thinking about it would lead to being discontent with my current life. But I eventually found that what I needed to do was hand my desire over to God and simply entrust it in His heart. If I were to marry, it would be His gift to me, not something for me to pursue and reach after. And after that I found even more amazing contentment being single. Those years of being totally single were the best thing for me. I’m glad I’m marrying someone more in obedience to a call, than out of the idea that I need a companion to make me happy. Definitely I am happy, but I know I can be perfectly happy by myself.”

 

[Norseman82]

There is an old saying: “if the shoe fits, wear it”.

(bold emphasis mine)
Also, “knocked up”? Is that OK to use, if we’re trying to build a pro-life culture? Women and men make mistakes…Do we need to use terminology that’s extremely disrespectful to women? I know some of these young, young girls who were “knocked up”, some who are like little sisters to me and were treated like **** by guys…someone refers to them disparagingly and I act like any enraged big sister and show them what two years of manual labor and contact sports can do.

Speak for yourself.

Don’t trivialize the sin of fornication. There ARE people who “play by the rules”, and trivializing fornication is disrespectful to our efforts and hard work.

And “knocked up” was indeed the term that was used when I was growing up, before carrying on like cocker spaniels in heat became the socially acceptable norm.

I act like any enraged big sister and show them what two years of manual labor and contact sports can do.

Well, if you want to be thought of as

more than just bags of estrogen and progesterone.

that little veiled threat did not help your cause.

 

[Norseman82]

Considering that there are crabs out there who will complain “what were all you guys doing in your 20s” (one in particular here on CAF), it is understandable that you are worried about finding a wife during these years so as to avoid their wrath so that you will not have to hear other crabs complain about how creepy it is for middle aged single guys to be volunteering (which actually was the subject of another CAF post). This after being told “be patient and volunteer” - have the rug pulled out from under you. Now you know why I unapologetically use that term that I was chided for in a previous post.

but somebody mentioned something about a “Newman Center”? What exactly is that, and do all the universities have them?

A “Newman Center” is a Catholic student center at non-Catholic colleges and universities.

 

[chevalier]

Add to that that we are being pushed out of the way for divorced people (who may or may not have annulments) and fornicators/fornicatrices who have kids out of wedlock or who are cohabiting. But if you play by the rules and and say, “hey, what about my needs?” you are criticized. You can see that right here at CAF.

Yes, it’s true. “Non-sacramental relationships” get more in terms of specifically directed pastoral care than abiding Catholic singles do. On the other hand, there’s a lot of spiritual danger in their situation, plus, it’s a relatively new one compared to the always-somehow-addressed problem of looking for a spouse, so there’s the “coming to the sick, not to the healthy” and the fact we can dig up some books, organise our time somehow etc., not available to those people, as a rule.

However, if someone treats unmarried relationships by Catholics (or even any Christians) better than abiding single Catholics, that person has his priorities in a very bad order and needs to read up quite a lot. Deciding to have a cohabitating fornicating relationship is not a better family or lifestyle choice than not doing it and I will happy discuss this matter at length via PM or even in a thread with anyone who is inclined to think otherwise.

Add to that that we are being pushed out of the way for divorced people (who may or may not have annulments)

I can show you where Aquinas says that benefit of doubt should be given. If we’re talking about Catholic people, we can’t be unrealistic, but when we don’t know if their divorced marriage has been declared null or not, we cannot assume that it has not. Same as we don’t assume that single people must be having an outlet somewhere and are therefore sleeping around. Furthermore, a person who in good faith lived through something that occurred not to have been in a marriage, has sinned no more than a widow or an abiding person. There’s no sin whatsoever in being the good faith party (which includes the one with an impediment or defect of consent, as long as acting in good faith).

I’m glad that you are treated well. My parish treats me like a leperous prositute. I remember one time I was tired when I went to mass (my friend and I went to go see a movie Saturday night), and people said I wouldn’t be so tired if I didn’t sleep around. What?! I’ve been called a w***** because I’m a single woman who is 28. Maybe they are jealous, I don’t know. They forgot that Jesus was single.

That deserves an extra sermon from the priest on the spot. If it weren’t in the church, if it were a man, I’d probably give him such a nice talking to that he would fondly recall his drill sergeant if he’d ever had any. That kind of conduct would be criminal in some jurisdictions and I wonder if they would feel so great if they knew they were facing a slander suit or prosecution. Someone needs to shake those people.

I already have my mother asking me if I’m gay or if I have some kind of physical defect she doesn’t know about!

I know that one from somewhere (well, not mum, though she does worry).

 

[whatevergirl]

Considering that there are crabs out there who will complain “what were all you guys doing in your 20s” (one in particular here on CAF), it is understandable that you are worried about finding a wife during these years so as to avoid their wrath so that you will not have to hear other crabs complain about how creepy it is for middle aged single guys to be volunteering (which actually was the subject of another CAF post). This after being told “be patient and volunteer” - have the rug pulled out from under you. Now you know why I unapologetically use that term that I was chided for in a previous post.

A “Newman Center” is a Catholic student center at non-Catholic colleges and universities.

*Norseman. I think that you have an unhealthy outlook towards women. Namecalling women, dubbing them ‘crabs’ and ‘knocked up,’ I just don’t see how that helps your cause. Jesus did not look down upon women who ‘were knocked up,’ for the record. You can choose to marry whom ever you wish…and if one of your standards needs to be that the woman has never been with another man, that is a wonderful standard to have…but, don’t look down on women who have made mistakes in their lives. Many of them have taken the hand of Jesus who lifted them out of their sin, and are now living chaste, and successful lives. If Jesus didn’t look down on such people who have ‘fornicated’ in the past, why should we? He told them to go and sin no more…He came to save sinners, something to not lose sight of. Again, you can choose whomever you wish to marry…but, don’t name call women. It’s very hurtful. *

 

[Rascalking]

By not being able to participate in one of the sacraments, that’s how. When you get married, you are participating in the Magisterium’s roadmap for your life. If you are unable to find a Catholic spouse, too bad, so sad, stinks to be you, and hey, “when are you gonna get married?”

Married → Magisterial Rewards
Unmarried → No Soup For You

Is that a clear enough description?

I view it completely differently. Sorry.

 

[chevalier]

Add to that that we are being pushed out of the way for divorced people (who may or may not have annulments) and fornicators/fornicatrices who have kids out of wedlock or who are cohabiting.

Okay, I realise I’ve already replied to that part and I don’t want to give you the impression I’m on a hunt - I understand you and I’m in a similar position, although it must be said I disagree with the expression - but I need to point that having children out of wedlock is not fornication and is not what makes one a fornicator. Having sex out of wedlock is. If you were charging that those people planned to have children and to remain unmarried, then you would be able to find some offence there, indeed. But a “fornicator” who has a child out of wedlock is not in any way worse than “fornicator” who does not have a child. Furthermore, a “fornicator” who has a child is someone who 1) did not obtain an abortion, 2) probably was not even in a regular pattern of fornication, as he/she didn’t think about contraception. What’s more, illegitimate children need to know that they are accepted as as good Catholics - and people - as anyone else. Because they are.

I hate when people aske me when I’m getting married. I had anything control over it I would be married now. People say “you are pretty and smart, why can’t you find a man?” Maybe I could try to buy one (I just got my inheritance today). People love money, so I can buy love right?

Tell them just that - if you knew, you’d already have solved the problem. Most of those people mean well - possibly all of them - and I’m sure some of them would actually be willing to help if they reasonably could. Others are probably just expressing disbelief, which is a compliment of sorts, if you think about it. I too have to deal with it all the time. Trust me, it’s better than being asked if you’re a student or being carded for beer at check-out when you’re supposed to be a big scary lawyer (I knew I shouldn’t have got my hair cut this short). And it’s 10* better than older ladies cooing over you, using the diminution of a name you don’t bear and they never were in a position to learn your name anyway to begin with. Oh, and some people have recently claimed I’ve grown since the last time. And I’m 26. Very few people grow after 21. Most stop around 17 or so.

Many of the single Catholic men I have met (close friends included) are SERIOUSLY socially awkward.

Guilty as charged.

 

[sanctamaria17]

There is an old saying: “if the shoe fits, wear it”.

Speak for yourself.

Don’t trivialize the sin of fornication. There ARE people who “play by the rules”, and trivializing fornication is disrespectful to our efforts and hard work.

And “knocked up” was indeed the term that was used when I was growing up, before carrying on like cocker spaniels in heat became the socially acceptable norm.

Well, if you want to be thought of as

that little veiled threat did not help your cause.

I understand that fornication is a sin. But people can come back to God. And knocked up is not a nice term for women. Had a child out of wedlock, unmarried mom, etc. Sinned, OK. But why aren’t the guys getting the same punishment? And what about unmarried women who became pregnant through rape and decided to keep their baby?

So, it’s OK for a guy to defend his daughters or sisters, but I’m a bag of estrogen and progesterone for wanting to do likewise for women I’ve helped? Or for my friends? Double standard.

I am waiting until I marry. But some people don’t know Christ until later. And honestly, I give people credit for deciding to keep their babies and give them life. Or for people who thought they were in a valid marriage but ended up annulled and are trying to do right by God and by their children. Fornication is a sin, but everyone sins, and most of us have sinned mortally at one point or another (taking God’s name in vain is also a mortal sin, would you disqualify someone who did that in their past?).

I don’t care about what my future husband may have done in his past, provided he turns back to God. But any guy refers disparagingly to women who may have sinned in the past or what have you or to women as the “Midol Mafia”, ouch. That’s not a respectful attitude toward women. And I am speaking for myself but I know many devout Catholic women who’d agree likewise.

 

[chevalier]

Let’s hear some defence. When Norseman said “are fornicating”, it was very clearly the present tense. I’ve already laid out my reservations above, but in essence Norseman’s argument came down to single people (“relationship” is single) who choose to fornicate getting more regard than single people who play by the rules, as if on the principle than fornication is a normal fact of life, while being a single person not by choice is not and allegedly implies social and/or other deficiencies. We have seen that outlook aboundantly in life, including some here at CAF. I would use milder methods of phrasing it, but he has a lot of a point, at least as far as treatment by laity is concerned.

What’s more, I can’t see how he supposedly reduces women to sexual status. He doesn’t talk about wanting a virgin and he certainly doesn’t talk about meeting a Catholic woman with a repented past - and skipping her because of it. He talks about his own past and says people who don’t make the choice to play by the rules get better treatment than people who do. As I said above, there’s a lot of truth to that argument.

 

[sanctamaria17]

I view it completely differently. Sorry.

I agree.

Honestly, I can do so much more single than I can married. I can devote time and money to causes that marrieds with families probably cannot. And by the argument over the sacramental aspect, well, as a woman, I can’t participate in Holy Orders, but does that mean I’m missing out? That and marriage are optional, they’re vocations.

Yes, marriage is a natural vocation, but I hesitate to think of it as a birthright or entitlement, just because I have not had premarital sex. If that indeed is my vocation, as long as I’m faithful and I do my part when the time is right, I trust God will keep me on the right path, as I do with everything else in my life.

To be honest, my life is not incomplete just because I don’t have a husband. My life is made complete by God. I’ve been away from my family for the past years, friendships have either broken, become stronger, or just faded, relationships have ended, but God has not faded, He hasn’t left, and He’s carried me through. I cannot rest until I rest in Him.

Frankly, if a man couldn’t see more to me than my sexual status…he’s not who I’d want to marry. If someone couldn’t understand or share my Catholic faith, he’s not someone I’d want to marry. If he doesn’t respect me as a person, he’s not someone I’d want to marry. And, frankly, if I cannot find someone to at least fit these qualities, I will gladly live a single life. But never alone. Never alone, because I walk with God.

 

[kib]

Guilty as charged.

That surprises me from reading your posts on CAF. You seem to be a very charming person.

Also, I want to apologize for what I said last night if it offended any single men. I don’t think all single Catholic men are socially inept. However, it has been my experience (and that of my close female friends) that many young single Catholic men are either very awkward or discerning the priesthood.

 

[sanctamaria17]

What’s more, I can’t see how he supposedly reduces women to sexual status. He doesn’t talk about wanting a virgin and he certainly doesn’t talk about meeting a Catholic woman with a repented past - and skipping her because of it. He talks about his own past and says people who don’t make the choice to play by the rules get better treatment than people who do. As I said above, there’s a lot of truth to that argument.

He has in past posts.

 

[chevalier]

That surprises me from reading your posts on CAF. You seem to be a very charming person.

Also, I want to apologize for what I said last night if it offended any single men. I don’t think all single Catholic men are socially inept. However, it has been my experience (and that of my close female friends) that many young single Catholic men are either very awkward or discerning the priesthood.

Thank you. Awkward takes many forms, not all of them repulsive, at least not in an aesthetic sense, if certainly in different ways. Basically, I’m a Catholic House with a taste and people skills (if House is at all still House with any of the three qualities). Well, maybe with a couple more differences, but still.

 

[1ke]

I think that for some, the answer to “why am I still single?” lies within the post comments themselves.

Many are showing some true colors here that are most unappealing.

 

[havana1]

I think that for some, the answer to “why am I still single?” lies within the post comments themselves.

Many are showing some true colors here that are most unappealing.

There’s no CAF forum for “singles.” We have to be lumped together under “family life.” If you don’t see the irony in that, I dunno know what I say.

 

[ack]

I think that for some, the answer to “why am I still single?” lies within the post comments themselves.

Many are showing some true colors here that are most unappealing.

You’ve got that right. The OP wasn’t bad, but this quickly devolved into one of the worst threads that I’ve seen on CAF in a while.

(Just for the record, I’m a single guy in my 20s, not content with my situation, but unlike some of the other posters, I’m not looking for third parties to blame for my lack of “success”.)

 

[kib]

There’s no CAF forum for “singles.” We have to be lumped together under “family life.” If you don’t see the irony in that, I dunno know what I say.

Hi Havana, there is a user created group for singles, if that helps. I would petition a mod to see if a singles sub-forum could be created. It sounds like many people could benefit from that. Also, I don’t think most people intentionally minimize the struggles single people face.

 

[Aislin]

There is an old saying: “if the shoe fits, wear it”.

Speak for yourself.

Don’t trivialize the sin of fornication. There ARE people who “play by the rules”, and trivializing fornication is disrespectful to our efforts and hard work.

And “knocked up” was indeed the term that was used when I was growing up, before carrying on like cocker spaniels in heat became the socially acceptable norm.

Well, if you want to be thought of as

that little veiled threat did not help your cause.

No one is trivializing the sin of fornication. There’s absolutely no excuse to be speaking so disrespectfully of others who may have committed the sin and honestly? It just reflects badly on you. Love the sinner, hate the sin, remember? It doesn’t make them any less of a person than someone who “plays by the rules” and whether they’ve sinned or not, they still deserve to be treated with respect.

If you’re upset about being single, I’d be looking inward at the nice little attitude you’ve got towards women there. Rudeness and bitterness don’t equal attractive qualities. I’ve got a cousin with a similar attitude, yet it’s everyone else’s fault (namely women) as to why he’s over 40 and still single. Shocker.

Also, just because sanctamaria feels defensive of her friends over rude remarks does not mean she’s a “bag of estrogen and progesterone”. Are you serious? I believe that’s called being a good friend. Maybe you ought to see if the “Midol Mafia” has any extra.

 

[sanctamaria17]

Exactly, Aislin No, I know a ton of girls who were cast off by boyfriends and husbands because of pregnancy and have had to bear stigma from it…And some of them are the same age as my sister or younger…so, as an older sister, I feel protective…They’ve already been hurt terribly by men and by a society who stigmatizes them…and they feel like they have no real choices…so it drives me crazy when I hear Catholics (who are supposed to be pro-life and respect everyone’s dignity) talk smack and treat people horribly…I mean, I hate it when anyone does it, but, as Catholics, we’re called to hold onto high standards…Jesus banished stigma when He stopped the stoning of the woman who committed adultery (yes, He told her to not sin, but He also told others they were wrong to kill her)…If we claim Him as our Lord and Savior, we are wrong to follow the Pharisees in this regard…

On a lighter note…

I honestly like having the freedom to explore and dream…To travel, to get to know people and make friends, to study, even though I have to work harder than ever, just to pay bills…I like being able to hang out with a guy friend and not have to feel pressured to be his girlfriend or something. I like that I have the freedom to learn about myself. Everyone feels the need to tell me that I have a biological clock…I tell people that A) I’m still very young, B) God’s timing, C) I’m not guaranteed biological children if I marry young (infertility exists in young women too or my husband could be infertile), and D) If I can’t have biological babies, I will adopt. My great-aunt did that, which gave us some wonderful cousins. My aunt and uncle married later in life and adopted a little girl from China…I’d adopt American kids who otherwise wouldn’t have homes. Naturally, I’d be open to children, as I would want to be open to God and to my husband, but if it was not in God’s plans, I’d accept that.

 

[Norseman82]

I understand that fornication is a sin. But people can come back to God. And knocked up is not a nice term for women. Had a child out of wedlock, unmarried mom, etc. Sinned, OK. But why aren’t the guys getting the same punishment? And what about unmarried women who became pregnant through rape and decided to keep their baby?

So, it’s OK for a guy to defend his daughters or sisters, but I’m a bag of estrogen and progesterone for wanting to do likewise for women I’ve helped? Or for my friends? Double standard.

I am waiting until I marry. But some people don’t know Christ until later. And honestly, I give people credit for deciding to keep their babies and give them life. Or for people who thought they were in a valid marriage but ended up annulled and are trying to do right by God and by their children. Fornication is a sin, but everyone sins, and most of us have sinned mortally at one point or another (taking God’s name in vain is also a mortal sin, would you disqualify someone who did that in their past?).

I don’t care about what my future husband may have done in his past, provided he turns back to God. But any guy refers disparagingly to women who may have sinned in the past or what have you or to women as the “Midol Mafia”, ouch. That’s not a respectful attitude toward women. And I am speaking for myself but I know many devout Catholic women who’d agree likewise.

Well, it’s nice that people repent and come back (although “knowing Christ later” is no excuse for fornication, as there is that little thing called natural law), but what about the people who have been playing by the rules all these years with nothing to show for it? “No soup for you”??? Remember the parable of the prodigal son. Why was the older brother bitter? He did the work and didn’t get a kid goat yet the younger brother who did not got the feast. Did the father chide the older brother? Did the father say “I’m offended by your attitude” or “look inside youself as to why you didn’t get your kid goat”? No, but if I were to extrapolate your posts you would have. Maybe when you spend some time in the real world and experience being shafted you will realize that if you want to keep good people at high performance, you need to not take them for granted but rather reward them.

Part of the problem is that sometimes we Catholics who play by the rules need to do a better job of “looking out for our own”. And since you pride yourself on defending your sisters, why not take some of that effort and “look out for your own”? I’m willing to do that in my choice of who I seek to date and marry (to show that I am not just a chronic complainer but actually put my money where my mouth is so I can be part of the solution). I challenge you to do the same.

And anyone who knows me here knows that I have come down on the fornicators, whether or not their actions result in “knocking up”.