Finding a good Catholic spouse

[jrabs]

Well…

As far as singleness not killing you, there are people who take their own lives because singleness causes them that much pain. No joke.

Lady Bug,
Please understand that you can also be alone and extremely lonely in a relationship as well. You can have loneliness as a married person. Get stuck in a wrong marriage and you’ll experience loneliness and misery unlike that of being single.

Been there! I know this first hand to be true. 10 years of being the loneliest person around, yet married.

Singleness does not take lives. People making poor choices takes lives. Do not blame this on being single. People not devoting themselves to God and trusting that God knows best - that is an unhealthy recipe.

How can you love and be content with another when you are unsettled in being alone?

In order to be ready for a strong and binding relationship as marriage, you need to be happy with yourself, have joy in yourself and Christ. You cannot seek others to make you feel whole.

Let God work on making you the perfect spouse for the perfect man He has set aside for you. But in doing this, you need to remain open to God’s will. He may ask you to do some difficult things in the mean time as preparation. The work will be well worth it.

Listen, pray, open your heart to God’s will.

 

[Harmony1988]

I personally, don’t want to get married, if I hit 30 and i’m not in a relationship.

Infact, I’d rather get married at maximum around 28.

 

[catherine_m]

I personally, don’t want to get married, if I hit 30 and i’m not in a relationship.

Infact, I’d rather get married at maximum around 28.

I used to think like this, until I hit 30. Then I started to think VERY differently. Now I believe there is no age limit to finding true love and getting married, and at 34, I still live in hope!

 

[FiremanFrank]

… Can anyone offer any suggestions as to how to go about meeting single Catholic men? I’m 42 years old and I’ve never been married. I had stayed away from the dating scene for several years for several reasons.

As I decided to “come back”, I signed up on a Catholic singles site, but there are a very limited number of men in my area. LDR is not my thing. I attempted that already and I just don’t seem to have the strength for that. It also seems that many of the men I’ve encountered on that site are only players.

I feel your pain.

For me, I first had to look at where God had placed me. I live in the North East, where for “catholics” opposing bona fide Catholic Teachings is the rage (and is fully endorsed by our Bishop and most of his priests/nuns).

So in my area I’ve met Catholic women either have no sound knowledge of the faith and therefore simply don’t care much about it, all the way to those who are outright antagonists towards Holy Mother Church.

Next …

Then I tried the online Catholic “dating” sites (yes, the traditional one’s), where I found women who were angry, self righteous, or condescending in nature.

*** Next …***

So what did I do?

I’ve joined a group of single non-denominational Christians. LOL

Yes, they are not a Sacramental group of believers - but their enthusiasm for the faith is genuine and sincere. And even if they don’t agree with everything that I believe in, well, at least they’re not Catholic dissidents!

I’ve been in this group for many years now, and have just recently met the acquaintance of a woman of whom I would like to get to know better (I think she feels the same).

We’ll just have to wait and see …

(all of this proves to me that God has a sense of humor!)

 

[Michael_Saint]

So it’s God’s will the Holocaust happened?

No, before we blame it on God we must look at the human factor. If one wrongs another and another suffers, I do not see it as God’s will; it due to someone reneging on the faith. Read Sirach 15:31:

You are clearly misunderstanding what I am saying - what can I say to someone who lacks a Catholic faith and is interested in grinding his axe in anger for having his attempts at getting a spouse thwarted for so many years?

I cannot respond to all of these replies when I have already answered them. You are just setting up strawmen based on what I have said, and lack the Catholic lenses to see my point.

I will give you an example. You ask: “So it’s God’s will the Holocaust happened?”. If you had the necessary Catholic faith background, you would know that God’s will is twofold - He has a “determinate” will and a “permissive” will. The latter will happen regardless. The former will happen IF and ONLY IF we do our part - which includes pray and cooperate with His will.

The Holocaust happened according to “God’s permissive will”. What I was talking about obviously happened according to “God’s determinate will”, because I said IF we do everything right, which means pray and cooperate with His will.

If we as a world were doing EVERYTHING right, then no, the Holocaust would never have happened.

You will have to study your theology in greater depth before I can speak with you anymore. You are just not able to understand these finer points. God’s blessings, Michael.

 

[Michael_Saint]

Where in the Bible or catechism does it say that God picks your spouse for you? What is the basis of this theologically suspect statement?

If we cannot handle celibacy, the bible does not say to wait until God drops one in your lap - in fact, 1 Corinthians 7 tells a person to get married.

Okay, two more:

1. The Bible and the Catechism DO talk about God “choosing” your spouse - but if you are looking for an explicit reference like “I shalt choose thy spouse for you” - you are reading like a fundamentalist Protestant. God talks about trust in his timing (story of Abraham), God’s providence (Matthew 6), faith in God’s goodness and love (Job), etc. You have to apply the principles.
2. 1 Corinthians does not necessarily imply one who decides he can’t “contain himself” should just grab the first woman who will take him and rush to the altar. You must read in context. St. Paul is saying that though virginity is the higher call, one must not “force himself” into that state BECAUSE it is a higher call, which can be a temptation for very “spiritual” people. One should only ACCEPT this state if he is legitimately CALLED to it. Thus, one who cannot “handle celibacy” (which is what St. Paul talks about) is not to take on this life. Note, this is VERY DIFFERENT from remaining single while waiting for Miss Right.

Listen, there are some misunderstandings here, and I have something personal to say too, so I will p.m. you …

 

[FiremanFrank]

Okay, two more:

1. The Bible and the Catechism DO talk about God “choosing” your spouse … God talks about trust in his timing (story of Abraham), God’s providence (Matthew 6), faith in God’s goodness and love (Job), etc. You have to apply the principles.

Very good analogy, but the key principle mentioned above - “timing” (i.e. "God’s Will) can be extremely tricky.

I think only a saint (who receives direct “Yes” and “No” answers to specific questions) can easily determine God’s Will in such cases.

The rest of us must persist in prayer and sometimes (most of the time?) long suffering to receive proper discernment in such matters.

A very tricky thing this is … finding the proper spouse (if one is even supposed to receive a spouse at all).

1. 1 Corinthians does not necessarily imply one who decides he can’t “contain himself” should just grab the first woman who will take him and rush to the altar. You must read in context. St. Paul is saying that though virginity is the higher call, one must not “force himself” into that state BECAUSE it is a higher call, which can be a temptation for very “spiritual” people. One should only ACCEPT this state if he is legitimately CALLED to it. Thus, one who cannot “handle celibacy” (which is what St. Paul talks about) is not to take on this life. Note, this is VERY DIFFERENT from remaining single while waiting for Miss Right.

Another very good example that comes to mind is Joseph of Egypt.

He was tempted by his master’s wife, placed in prison for an undetermined amount of years for a crime that he never committed, and then had a wife practically handed to him on a silver platter while becoming 2nd in command of a nation.

Now if that isn’t confusing (as far as knowing God’s Will for oneself), I don’t know what is!

*On a personal note, I’ve waited over 10 years now for a spouse since my divorce/Church annulment (having passed up the advances of well over 2 dozen women in the process). Some were definitely not the right one’s for me (had made improper advances against chastity towards myself) while others (good decent Christian women) I was not attracted to or it wasn’t the right timing for a relationship.

Once again (even for the “best” of Christians) … very tricky stuff.

 

[Norseman82]

Now that we’ve had a few days to let things calm down…

The Holocaust happened according to “God’s permissive will”. What I was talking about obviously happened according to “God’s determinate will”, because I said IF we do everything right, which means pray and cooperate with His will.

Sorry, but I disagree - this whole topic is more of a “permissive will” thing. Let me give you a clear-cut example:

Paul and Mary are dating. They are both practicing Catholics who are still virgins, go to Mass every Sunday/holy day of obligation, are educated in the Catholic faith, etc. Mary, though, decides to break up with Paul to date Joe. Joe is dovorced, and since his annulment request was turned down, he is not eligible to marry in the Catholic Church. Mary knows this but yet still dates Joe and they get married in a civil ceremony. Now, think about these points:

1. Whose fault is it that Mary broke up with Paul and married Joe? Is it because of God, or because Mary reneged on her Catholic faith?
2. Is this an example of God’s permissive will or determinate will?

Just because God permits evil does not mean we should accept it; if anything, we still are obligated to confront it and fight it as best we can - and I personally feel that this is sorely lacking in today’s world that is preoccupied with political correctness and “nonjudgmentalism” of wrong actions, and this does apply as well in the dating world (which is how this relates to the topic at hand).

 

[Norseman82]

But the way you use the word “handle” sometimes in relation to the concept of celibacy feels awkward in the sense that you may be inadvertently encouraging people to see marriage as a cop-out rather than a calling.

I know you don’t mean it that way, but that’s how it comes across to me sometimes. I am not denying or downplaying the sexual element of marriage, but to put one’s call to marriage down to an inability to handle celibacy is selling marriage short of what it’s all about, at least in my opinion. It’s like negative discernment, which feels kind of oxymoronic. It has its place, but it is also has its limits.

It’s not just about the sexual element. I will give you a concrete example. It was given by a seminarian (now a pastor) during one of those “Seminary Sundays” talks. He said that one of the things that a seminarian must deal with as part of his descernment is celibacy. He went on to explain that the hard part is not the physical aspect, but rather, being able to project yourself into your 40s and 50s and seeing others your age with children and grandchildren. I hope this clears things up.

 

[Norseman82]

Lady Bug,
Please understand that you can also be alone and extremely lonely in a relationship as well. You can have loneliness as a married person. Get stuck in a wrong marriage and you’ll experience loneliness and misery unlike that of being single.

Been there! I know this first hand to be true. 10 years of being the loneliest person around, yet married.

Singleness does not take lives. People making poor choices takes lives. Do not blame this on being single. People not devoting themselves to God and trusting that God knows best - that is an unhealthy recipe.

How can you love and be content with another when you are unsettled in being alone?

In order to be ready for a strong and binding relationship as marriage, you need to be happy with yourself, have joy in yourself and Christ. You cannot seek others to make you feel whole.

Let God work on making you the perfect spouse for the perfect man He has set aside for you. But in doing this, you need to remain open to God’s will. He may ask you to do some difficult things in the mean time as preparation. The work will be well worth it.

Listen, pray, open your heart to God’s will.

If we all waited to be perfect to get married, I doubt there would be many marriages, if at all. A friend of mine calls this concept “marriage Jansenism”. Besides, is it possible to be completely content with one’s self? Even Mother Theresa felt abandoned by God. If even she - who most people consdier the closest to a living saint - cannot achieve contentment, can the average you and I expect it? I think that this is a wake-up call for the modern world.

Besides, God said in Genesis that it is not good for the man to be alone. And in CCC 1603, it states that our well being, both on a personal and societal level, is “closely bound up with the healthy state of conjugal and family life” - not “being a contect single”. I think that this whole “you have to be a content single first” and “you cannot look to others to make you whole” is a *disordered secular * mentality that is in direct opposition to Catholic teaching as given to us in the Bible and Catechism.

 

[Norseman82]

Another very good example that comes to mind is Joseph of Egypt.

He was tempted by his master’s wife, placed in prison for an undetermined amount of years for a crime that he never committed, and then had a wife practically handed to him on a silver platter while becoming 2nd in command of a nation.

Now if that isn’t confusing (as far as knowing God’s Will for oneself), I don’t know what is!

One must also realize that one of the contexts that the Old Testament must be read within is the concept of “salvation history” - that things like creation of the nation of Israel and th Decalogue were predecessors to Christ (see CCC 51-64 and 1961-1962). Also, remember Hebrews 1:1, regarding how God used to speak in various ways through the prophets, but now speaks to us through His Son (paraphrased ue to varying Bible translations).

 

[Norseman82]

I will concede “divine intervention” or “determinate will” in one instance, though - if God frustrates your plans because He knows that what you are pursuing will somehow cause you harm in the future. For example, in the case of one Catjolic lady I was pursuing and thought was very compatible with her but did not work out, her family became a victim of a violent crime that resulted in the death of her father and severe injury to her sister, so it is possible that had things worked out and we had married and had kids, I might have been with them that day and been murdered myself.

 

[auscatholic]

It’s not just about the sexual element. I will give you a concrete example. It was given by a seminarian (now a pastor) during one of those “Seminary Sundays” talks. He said that one of the things that a seminarian must deal with as part of his descernment is celibacy. He went on to explain that the hard part is not the physical aspect, but rather, being able to project yourself into your 40s and 50s and seeing others your age with children and grandchildren. I hope this clears things up.

Yes, l’ve heard this quite a few times in the past. But l think it needs to be taken a little further. My take is that missing family and a spouse is a normal, albeit neutral reaction to celibacy.

If a person then goes on to feel comfortable in the notion that having a family is where they would be most fulfilled because that is what God is calling them to do with their lives, then l suppose it’s pretty clear what that person should be doing.

But feelings of anguish are not in themselves, l believe, a red flag to religious vocations. For example, it may well be an indication that a person has grasped or is beginning to grasp what marriage is all about, which would make them every bit a good spiritual parent as it would in the natural sense.

While on the topic of celibacy, l heard a fantastic talk the other day by Fr Thomas Nelson on vocations which can be downloaded here. His comments about celibacy are quite insightful.

I think that this whole “you have to be a content single first” and “you cannot look to others to make you whole” is a disordered secular mentality that is in direct opposition to Catholic teaching as given to us in the Bible and Catechism.

I STRONGLY disagree. I think that if a single person is uncomfortable with who they are, they really need to address the source of that discontent before they enter into a relationship. Otherwise, they run the risk of entering into a relationship based on something other than Christic love, often and tragically without even realising it.

That is very different to being single and happy with oneself, but feeling frustrated because one is called to marriage and cannot find a spouse to fulfil that calling.

What IS disordered is expecting another person to do and be what only God can.

 

[Norseman82]

I STRONGLY disagree. I think that if a single person is uncomfortable with who they are, they really need to address the source of that discontent before they enter into a relationship. Otherwise, they run the risk of entering into a relationship based on something other than Christic love, often and tragically without even realising it.

That is very different to being single and happy with oneself, but feeling frustrated because one is called to marriage and cannot find a spouse to fulfil that calling.

What IS disordered is expecting another person to do and be what only God can.

Based on what?

Sounds like it is a choice of what scripture and catechism teach (which is what I’ve posted) vs. your personal opinion.

 

[auscatholic]

Based on what?

Sounds like it is a choice of what scripture and catechism teach (which is what I’ve posted) vs. your personal opinion.

OK, tell me what you’d think if your future girlfriend or spouse said this to you:

“Before we met, l felt like trash, but all of that’s changed now that we’re together”

Please try to respond without quoting either the Catechism or the Bible. Not because l don’t think either is important - far from it, l have both right beside me - but let’s walk the talk a little.

 

[azgirl]

Oh where oh where do we find them? I went on a date with a guy I met through avamariasingles. It was actually our second meeting. He was a nice guy and we had a nice evenying BUT I am not interested in dating him. I so want a nice Catholic man but the ones I meet I am not attracted to. The ones I am attracted to and connect with personality wise are not Catholic :banghead: .
I am really tired of the dating scene (being 34) but I know that I have to make myself available and give people a chance. I think you do have to help God out in making things happen. If I needed a job I have to seek one. Sitting on my couch watching t.v. is not going to land me that dream job :tsktsk: .
I do agree with many posts here. You do have to make yourself whole before getting in a relationship. I used to struggle with this concept but now I am much stronger in my faith and confident in myself. I would love to find my future husband but I am also very content with being single.
Anyone know any good Catholic men in their 30’s in Az with a good sense of humor? Never hurts to ask

 

[skatepixie]

It’s not a knock on you. He is just stating, in albeit more harsh terms, what I observed in these women.

I find that many women who are “older” and have not married, but want to, fall into one of two categories:

1. They are waiting for the “right” man. This man does not exist.
2. They are career women who see marriage to a “man” as less important than their careers.

I am sure that I will get knocks for these views, but it is what I observe.

Look at Christ’s example. His apostles were tax collectors and others who society at the time perceived as pariahs. All of these men, save one, became good faithful men.

While I can see were it is possible to be too picky so to speak, I also think it is possible to jump into marriage with the wrong person. I would much rather not marry at all than marry and be miserable. If our values didnt match, or I didn’t think I could live with him or whatever…I’d rather be alone than trapped in an unhappy marriage. It’s a sacrament, and one I take seriously. I would not take Communion if ill disposed, and I would not enter into a marriage if I had serious doubts of its success.

I have my own identity and I don’t “need” to be married to be happy. Yes, it would be nice…but I can’t see finding a spouse as ever being the #1 priority for me.

I see a lot of girls at my college who don’t just look for a future husbad…they are determined to hunt one down. Honestly, if I were those guys it would creep me out.

 

[Norseman82]

OK, tell me what you’d think if your future girlfriend or spouse said this to you:

“Before we met, l felt like trash, but all of that’s changed now that we’re together”

Please try to respond without quoting either the Catechism or the Bible. Not because l don’t think either is important - far from it, l have both right beside me - but let’s walk the talk a little.

Depending on what she meant by “felt like trash”, I might take it as a compliment.

 

[Norseman82]

You do have to make yourself whole before getting in a relationship.

I’m afraid that will not occur until our final purification in purgatory is complete.

By the way, aren’t you the one who posted about becoming a foster parent? Have you checked to determine whether you are whole yet? Otherwise, maybe you shouldn’t become a foster parent?

 

[chewchoo]

I’m afraid that will not occur until our final purification in purgatory is complete.

By the way, aren’t you the one who posted about becoming a foster parent? Have you checked to determine whether you are whole yet? Otherwise, maybe you shouldn’t become a foster parent?

that wasn’t very nice.