FMIL invited 200+ additional people to the wedding

[anna1978]

Oh my !!! I can’t imagine what your FMIL must be like normally if she gets this unhinged with a wedding…If my MIL had pulled this, I would have reconsidered marrying, honestly. Because in-laws can put such a stamp on your marriage, they can cause such problems…and wait until grandchildren arrive, oh my…that’s when it really starts! We moved across country TWICE (second time when they moved near us…) because they are lovely people, but very controlling and treat us like 10-year-olds…Now we see them 6 times a year and talk on the phone maybe once a week (used to be daily calls and 5-day visits every month!) and it’s so much better! Stand firm now, and make sure your dh is on your side, I saw my BIL’s 19-year relationship (12 of which married) break up because of my in-laws and my other BIL, his girlfriends never last as they get sick of the interference…Me? I just keep a polite distance, and pray for them. Thankfully, my in-laws are good, kind and decent people-just very controlling…with yours I don’t think I would have lasted this long!

Anyway, hope you have a great day on the 24th and I’ll say a prayer for you both!

Anna x

 

[hasikelee]

Just an update:

Since this happened (at time of first post) neither of us has had any contact with his parents.

His Dad called tonight threatening to put him in jail. I guess he is digging into IRS statements/forms and wants to claim he supported FDH, so that he can claim him on his return. (This would make FDH return in error).

Yes, the father that wouldn’t put a dime to any of FDH struggles in normal growing up (e.g. house, car, school, work) “supported him.”

I will be taking this bizarre turn of events as a thankful insight from God before the wedding.

I have to admit, it’s hard to believe on the one hand that God wants us to be together and have a vocation together, while on the other hand I think his parents are a story out of the Twilight Zone and need to be avoided at all costs.

 

[PatienceAndLove]

Just an update:

Since this happened (at time of first post) neither of us has had any contact with his parents.

His Dad called tonight threatening to put him in jail. I guess he is digging into IRS statements/forms and wants to claim he supported FDH, so that he can claim him on his return. (This would make FDH return in error).

Yes, the father that wouldn’t put a dime to any of FDH struggles in normal growing up (e.g. house, car, school, work) “supported him.”

I will be taking this bizarre turn of events as a thankful insight from God before the wedding.

I have to admit, it’s hard to believe on the one hand that God wants us to be together and have a vocation together, while on the other hand I think his parents are a story out of the Twilight Zone and need to be avoided at all costs.

um… is it possible to ban them from the wedding altogether? I can see the “objection” now…

 

[rayne89]

Haskilee my prayers are with you. Do you live near these people? For the sanity of your marriage I really think you need to cut these people out of your lives. Change your phone number, email -get away from these people. Good heavens it scary to think they way they would act once you have children.

These kind of people see their children as property and feel they have the right to do whatever they want. I would guess this attack is because they know with your upcoming marriage they feel their control slipping away. They are trying to wear you down.

I’m so sorry you are going through this a week before your wedding. If you can’t dis-invite them(if they are even still wanting to come after threating your FDH with jail) do have some strong men in your family that you can put in charge of “bouncing” them if their behavior at the wedding/reception becomes inappropriate?

We will all be praying for a beautiful wedding day for and soon-to-be hubby. God Bless.

 

[Rach620]

Just an update:
I will be taking this bizarre turn of events as a thankful insight from God before the wedding.

I have to admit, it’s hard to believe on the one hand that God wants us to be together and have a vocation together, while on the other hand I think his parents are a story out of the Twilight Zone and need to be avoided at all costs.

Wow, hasikelee, I also want to commend you for your attitude towards your future in-laws! The tension with my FMIL is only just beginning, and I can’t imagine dealing with it all coming to a head less than two weeks (and now ONE week!) before the big day! God must just be pouring down the graces on you and your FH.

I’ll also add my support for the “stay far, far away” suggestion which others have put forth. I know that you and your fiance are a younger couple like my FH and I, and I think it’s especially hard for us to demonstrate our independence from unhealthily involved parents. Distance creates a necessary barrier which allows husband and wife to really start off on their own, far apart from the influence of overly-involved parents.

This is our remedy. The extremely manipulative *emails *(yep–emails!), and the motivations/actions behind them are really frustrating me on this end. We have learned that we MUST distance ourselves from FMIL, make our own decisions, and kindly inform her of them, rather than leaving any room for her to control the situation.

That’s part of the reason it took us so long to finally set a date–now we are at total peace with *our *decision. FH and I are it now; parents can give helpful feedback since they’ve “been there, done that” and know us well…but they no longer have the decision-making ability.

God bless you, hasikelee! I’m praying for you this week as you prepare for your wedding and marriage!

 

[Giannawannabe]

Just an update:

Since this happened (at time of first post) neither of us has had any contact with his parents.

His Dad called tonight threatening to put him in jail. I guess he is digging into IRS statements/forms and wants to claim he supported FDH, so that he can claim him on his return. (This would make FDH return in error).

Yes, the father that wouldn’t put a dime to any of FDH struggles in normal growing up (e.g. house, car, school, work) “supported him.”

I will be taking this bizarre turn of events as a thankful insight from God before the wedding.

I have to admit, it’s hard to believe on the one hand that God wants us to be together and have a vocation together, while on the other hand I think his parents are a story out of the Twilight Zone and need to be avoided at all costs.

Add my name to the long list of posters who recommend moving far, far away from these people. I agree with pp that their control is slipping away, so they are bringing out the “big guns”. It sounds like your FH has good insight into his parents, and is not being manipulated. I’m hoping that he maintains that! Unfortunately, your controlling, manipulative FILs won’t stop trying to get control back with their son. Distance is really the only way to deal with them. I pray that your wedding day is full of blessings and that they don’t turn it into a 3-ring circus.

 

[hasikelee]

Haskilee my prayers are with you. Do you live near these people? For the sanity of your marriage I really think you need to cut these people out of your lives. Change your phone number, email -get away from these people. Good heavens it scary to think they way they would act once you have children.

These kind of people see their children as property and feel they have the right to do whatever they want. I would guess this attack is because they know with your upcoming marriage they feel their control slipping away. They are trying to wear you down.

I’m so sorry you are going through this a week before your wedding. If you can’t dis-invite them(if they are even still wanting to come after threating your FDH with jail) do have some strong men in your family that you can put in charge of “bouncing” them if their behavior at the wedding/reception becomes inappropriate?

We will all be praying for a beautiful wedding day for and soon-to-be hubby. God Bless.

I must admit that my resolve to work it out with these people or to show some semblance of “peace” on the wedding day has finally ended. FDH has from the get-go requested that they not come and that we break all contact with them. I see that he has some wisdom regarding this issue!

Until this new situation is resolved, we’ll be in contact with them. But, once FDH is sure his taxes are 100% okay, we are changing numbers, deleting email accounts, etc. In the spring semester we are going to graduate school and staying on campus, his parents are unaware of this, so they won’t know where we are.

FDH is going to ask to meet with them in a public place and he is bringing an mature adult/witness. He’s going to ask to retain a copy of this supposed IRS issue and depending on the information that exists or doesn’t exist, that will lead us to the next step.

And I thought my wedding prep was going to be boring!

Yay, only 5 more days to gooo!!! Contrary to this thread I am super excited, guys! FDH and I are trying to make it to daily Mass and confession, and my family has been praying the chaplet and the rosary with us daily. You know, you can just feel it. Feels wonderful.

 

[jmcrae]

Yay, only 5 more days to gooo!!! Contrary to this thread I am super excited, guys! FDH and I are trying to make it to daily Mass and confession, and my family has been praying the chaplet and the rosary with us daily. You know, you can just feel it. Feels wonderful.

YAAAY, that’s so fantastic!! :extrahappy:

 

[jazzbaby1]

RE: your FFIL contacting the IRS, etc. Is he talking about filing for this current year or a previous year? Won’t you two be filing jointly as a married couple for this year? Your FDH, as a married man, cannot be listed as anyone’s dependent except yours after you’re married, if you are the head of household (if he’s still in school, for example). It doesn’t matter if you get married at 11PM on December 31st…you’ll still be filing a joint married return as though you were married for the whole year. It sounds to me like your FMIL and FFIL are trying to stop your marriage all together. Check with H&R Block or Jackson Hewitt with any questions.

 

[beckers]

RE: your FFIL contacting the IRS, etc. Is he talking about filing for this current year or a previous year? Won’t you two be filing jointly as a married couple for this year? Your FDH, as a married man, cannot be listed as anyone’s dependent except yours after you’re married, if you are the head of household (if he’s still in school, for example). It doesn’t matter if you get married at 11PM on December 31st…you’ll still be filing a joint married return as though you were married for the whole year. It sounds to me like your FMIL and FFIL are trying to stop your marriage all together. Check with H&R Block or Jackson Hewitt with any questions.

I was thinking something sounded wrong. He needs to call and talk to an accountant first and learn all of your rights.

 

[hasikelee]

I was thinking something sounded wrong. He needs to call and talk to an accountant first and learn all of your rights.

Well, he spoke w/ his accountant who said he lived in their home for more than 6 months so he is in the wrong, but then he also filed for educational refunds because he paid for his school so he is in the right. Essentially the accountant says they are battling this out for no reason at all, as there is no benefit to them (due to their tax bracket) so it’s going to come down to a he said she said battle (e.g. who can provide the most proof.) The accountant is pretty baffled, lol.

We are researching what steps to take.

 

[beckers]

Well, he spoke w/ his accountant who said he lived in their home for more than 6 months so he is in the wrong, but then he also filed for educational refunds because he paid for his school so he is in the right. Essentially the accountant says they are battling this out for no reason at all, as there is no benefit to them (due to their tax bracket) so it’s going to come down to a he said she said battle (e.g. who can provide the most proof.) The accountant is pretty baffled, lol.

We are researching what steps to take.

That is just petty. Is there a way to file something with the IRS to show that your taxes are right or just have all your infomation toether in case you need to file an appeal with the IRS over the return?

 

[BlestOne]

Well, he spoke w/ his accountant who said he lived in their home for more than 6 months so he is in the wrong, but then he also filed for educational refunds because he paid for his school so he is in the right. Essentially the accountant says they are battling this out for no reason at all, as there is no benefit to them (due to their tax bracket) so it’s going to come down to a he said she said battle (e.g. who can provide the most proof.) The accountant is pretty baffled, lol.

We are researching what steps to take.

I do believe that marriage trumps the 6 month rule…or the educational expenses rule, at least it did when I wanted to file separate from DH because of the earned income credit… The law read that I couldn’t claim it or file separate and file it. Hopefully, you can look it up and see and hit FFIL with that… please tell me you asked them not to come to wedding and reception???

 

[puzzleannie]

JustHis Dad called tonight threatening to put him in jail. I guess he is digging into IRS statements/forms and wants to claim he supported FDH, so that he can claim him on his return. (This would make FDH return in error).

s.

well if he is in jail Dad can’t claim him as a dependent so that is pretty stupid, and IRS is pretty picky about proving support of an adult child who does not reside with the parent or is not disabled. we should probably be charitible and not hope fervently that Dad gets caught in his own trap. I have to stay away from this thread, because the temptation to tell horror stories of my own is too strong. Move at least 500 miles away as soon as you get back from the honeymoon.

there is a successful cable series called Bridezillas about brides who are their own horror stories, I can see a series on outrageous in-laws being equally successful.

 

[mercygate]

Shannyk, I’m not dismissing your advice, merely because I’ve already taken it to heart, lol! You couldn’t be more right. We are actually drawing up legal papers!

We have some clear boundaries and I suspect this sudden flare up so close to the wedding is similar to that of a 2 year old in her last stages of a fit than someone who thinks she actually has control.

I must admit, it’s taken the whole time we’ve been together for me to begin to understand that these people clearly and fully choose evil. That’s still hard for me to keep in mind…you want to make excuses or believe all people are good deep down, you know? But I’ve seen it clearly over the years and it can’t be mistaken.

You are SO smart – and in a way, you are lucky. Many people simply have “difficult” relatives, who don’t quite cross the line into full-blown pathology. In your case, the affront is so egregious, that you have a loud alarm telling you that the dame is off her nut and you’re going to have to handle her “from above” rather than submissively.

You are lucky that “Flubby” gets it, too.

As for those phone calls, I would nuance them a little differently. All those people probably are fully aware that FMIL is not playing with a full deck. You could say: “Apparently, FMIL issued invitations without letting me know, and since your RSVPs were not received in time . . . . it is too late to make a change. I hope we will be able to meet you after the wedding.”

Cases like your FMIL are what the rules of etiquette are all about: You play by the rules and nobody gets hurt. She isn’t playing by the rules and needs time out in the penalty box.

 

[Sure]

Well, he spoke w/ his accountant who said he lived in their home for more than 6 months so he is in the wrong, but then he also filed for educational refunds because he paid for his school so he is in the right. Essentially the accountant says they are battling this out for no reason at all, as there is no benefit to them (due to their tax bracket) so it’s going to come down to a he said she said battle (e.g. who can provide the most proof.) The accountant is pretty baffled, lol.

We are researching what steps to take.

Your only concern would be your future husband’s tax return. If he should have checked the box “can be claimed as a dependent on someone else’s tax return” but did not then I believe he can file an amended return for that year(s). The result is that your future husband may have to pay back some taxes plus penalties. But, if he was living at home and not making much, the taxes and penalties could be nonexistant or at least very very small.

Check with your accountant.

 

[IrishAm]

Run, run very quickly, and do not look back over your shoulder.

And, then, when you and your new husband are safely away, make it a point to see a very good marriage counselor early in your marriage. Maybe right after the honeymoon. Toxic parents and the damage they do to both their child and their child’s spouse can have lingering effects and pop up with no warning.

 

[hasikelee]

Run, run very quickly, and do not look back over your shoulder.

And, then, when you and your new husband are safely away, make it a point to see a very good marriage counselor early in your marriage. Maybe right after the honeymoon. Toxic parents and the damage they do to both their child and their child’s spouse can have lingering effects and pop up with no warning.

We’re big on counseling. I especially like the PAIRS organization and CFS.

One thing I noticed in our hometown is that CFS doesn’t offer assistance with extended family difficulties. I would think because ILs are such a big factor in divorce that they would have some resources.

 

[SeekerJen]

Your only concern would be your future husband’s tax return. If he should have checked the box “can be claimed as a dependent on someone else’s tax return” but did not then I believe he can file an amended return for that year(s). The result is that your future husband may have to pay back some taxes plus penalties. But, if he was living at home and not making much, the taxes and penalties could be nonexistant or at least very very small.

Check with your accountant.

With the accountant, and maybe a tax attorney. And also maybe the police. It might not hurt to have a restraining order on them for the wedding. I would hope they wouldn’t embarrass themselves by trying a stunt, but after this you never know.

 

[hasikelee]

Your only concern would be your future husband’s tax return. If he should have checked the box “can be claimed as a dependent on someone else’s tax return” but did not then I believe he can file an amended return for that year(s). The result is that your future husband may have to pay back some taxes plus penalties. But, if he was living at home and not making much, the taxes and penalties could be nonexistant or at least very very small.

Check with your accountant.

That’s where it gets all mushy in the eyes of the law and IRS.

He stayed with them in their home for the spring semester. He had his own place for the fall semester.

ILs paid for the remainder of the spring semester. He paid for his fall semester.

His summer was spent “abroad.” Yet his lease didn’t start until the fall semester.

So you see where this is going…

Also, the accountant advised us that only one person is allowed to get credit for educational purposes, so even though his parents paid and he paid, only one can claim. This means if his parents provide enough evidence supporting their right to claim him, he has to pay the taxes and penalties, return the refund he received and they will get the refund on their end.