For singles: Why are you single?

[beckers]

Well, for one I haven’t found a guy who I’ve really liked. I’ve had guys who’ve liked me but I haven’t liked them. For two the whole staying a virgin until I get married thing kinda puts some guys off, although that in many cases is a good thing. I’m not too worried, I’m only 20, but seeing a lot of people my age begin to get married and have kids kinda makes me wish it wouldn’t take so long lol

It might be the age range your look at. As another virign but 8 years older, I have had guys who just couldn’t deal with the fact that our relationship was never going to get physical. And thats fine. I am not going to compromise my vaules, morals and body to make them feel more secure in our realtionship or to bend to the world pressures. There are plenty of guys who will respect a women be she a virign or just a chaste women.

I have noticed that the older (30’s and early 40’s) more stable church men don’t seem to have as many issues because they themselves have made the decision to stay chaste.

For women i totally suggest this book

What’s a Girl to Do?: While Waiting for Mr. Right (Paperback) by Janet Folger.

amazon.com/Whats-Girl-Do-While-Waiting/dp/159052330X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1215465521&sr=8-1

Even though she is protestant she is not anti-catholic at all. She talks and helps you understand that your feelings of loneliness are not to be ignored but how to take this singliness time of your life and focus on God. She’s is very funny! I re-read this book all the time.

 

[Altesse]

Discerning a vocation to the religous life (at the advanced age of 42 and 9/10). I’m a convert so didn’t quite know what to do with the vocation thing when I was younger.

I am 46 and a convert in 2004. I kind of feel the same way. I felt an interest in “taking the veil” when I was pentecostal protestant.

But I think I have not done it because at this point I would be running “away from the world” instead of “to God”.

But it is something to think about.

Another reason is that I have not met a man I was interested in that wasn’t divorced. I would not be able to marry in the church.

Or they are not serious about their faith.

 

[rpp]

I am 46 and a convert in 2004. I kind of feel the same way. I felt an interest in “taking the veil” when I was pentecostal protestant.

But I think I have not done it because at this point I would be running “away from the world” instead of “to God”.

But it is something to think about.

Another reason is that I have not met a man I was interested in that wasn’t divorced. I would not be able to marry in the church.

Or they are not serious about their faith.

I am the same age. I also agree, I would only marry a woman who is free to marry in the Church. As for me, I was granted an annulment and I am free to marry.

 

[chevalier]

I didnt mean being egocentric, actualy I mean that perhaps when you are single you are more willingly to shrae your life with more people.

I just mentioned that since I have friends that are like crying for a woman, I know a girl that is crying for this guy n so on.

Also society tends to program people in order to think that not dating often is something negative sometimes, and that isnt true.

I actually have negative ideas about actually dating, you know. I mean, spending time together, sure. Group settings allow you to keep a cool head, but one on one is also needed - still, doesn’t need to be a date, anyway. When it actually is a date, then it gets artificial and pressured. Besides, it feels a bit too forward, potentially romantic meeting with a stranger. Naww. Not my piece of cake.

 

[Bataar]

I actually have negative ideas about actually dating, you know. I mean, spending time together, sure. Group settings allow you to keep a cool head, but one on one is also needed - still, doesn’t need to be a date, anyway. When it actually is a date, then it gets artificial and pressured. Besides, it feels a bit too forward, potentially romantic meeting with a stranger. Naww. Not my piece of cake.

Exactly. Dating is extremely superficial. The purpose is to supposedly get to know each other yet both people put up fronts to try to be more impressive than they really are.

 

[Belgarion]

Exactly. Dating is extremely superficial. The purpose is to supposedly get to know each other yet both people put up fronts to try to be more impressive than they really are.

Not always, but sometimes they can’t help it either.

My own sister dated her husband. They’re wonderful together!

Of course there was more to their relationship than their dates. They spent time here at our house as well. I think that matters, too.

 

[chevalier]

Exactly. Dating is extremely superficial. The purpose is to supposedly get to know each other yet both people put up fronts to try to be more impressive than they really are.

And the open-ended connotation between strangers.

Not always, but sometimes they can’t help it either.

Of course. I can never help trying to be more impressive than I really am.

 

[jennifer67]

Well, I have mixed feelings about dating. I am 40 now, but yes, when I was younger I felt awkward about it and avoided it mostly. I had weird feelings like I was being screened by someone and I didn’t always know their intentions.

But honestly, the real 'dates" I have been on were with very nice, respectful men who were trying to show that they were serious in getting to know me. I had a date a month or two ago with a very nice man who took me to a nice French restaraunt and we talked 2-3 hours, nothing earth shattering just things we had in common, careers, family and so onl We learned more about eachother but mostly built rapport, a step on the path of the friendship.

I think men perhaps of my age group think it is gentlemanly to call you, ask you out on a formal date, make the arrangements and then be polite and attentive to you. It’s what they expect to be required to do if they want so someday court you etc…

Just hanging out with girls in casual settings doesn’t have the same significance obviously but maybe that’s good or ok until you get to know her. It’s an age thing, too. In college the guys didn’t have much money so we all had group dates/ casual meetings but none of us were ready for courting/marriage then.

The men I meet these days are all professionals and more established and want to take a lady out. I expect it and so do they. I need to see that a man can 'step up" so to speak and do these things.

Group hangouts are not so appropriate at my age, unless it’s a spontaneous meeting at a party or something…

Well, enough said…Good Luck!

 

[Bataar]

Not always, but sometimes they can’t help it either.

My own sister dated her husband. They’re wonderful together!

Of course there was more to their relationship than their dates. They spent time here at our house as well. I think that matters, too.

Basically, the biggest thing to dating/courting/whatever you want to call it, is talking. Like I’ve said in other threads, talking is incredibly boring. I want to do things, not talk. That goes for anyone, friends, family, stranger. If someone is having a party or get together where everyone is just going to be sitting around in a room talking, that is about as boring as anything can get. That’s one of the reasons I don’t even try to date is because you have to spend soooooo much time doing nothing but talking.

 

[Belgarion]

Basically, the biggest thing to dating/courting/whatever you want to call it, is talking. Like I’ve said in other threads, talking is incredibly boring. I want to do things, not talk. That goes for anyone, friends, family, stranger. If someone is having a party or get together where everyone is just going to be sitting around in a room talking, that is about as boring as anything can get. That’s one of the reasons I don’t even try to date is because you have to spend soooooo much time doing nothing but talking.

Some people enjoy talking, too.

I for one really enjoy talking to the girl I am interested in. And I know that feeling will remain since I enjoy talking to my own mother. (Ya know, you treat you wife like you treat your mother)

Of course I like to play air hockey, foosball or ping-pong with her. But talking is how you get to know someone. If you can’t talk, then you won’t get to know the person well enough to marry them.
but I suppose if you don’t like talking, you’ll find some other way to get to know someone…

 

[jennifer67]

Unfortunately for a man who dislikes talking, most women use talking to bond. I try to be mindful of the difference between talking to my girlfriends - “chick talk” and talking to a guy. I even recently ordered a Catholic book online regarding dating that talks about conversation…to have more neutral topics for converstion…

A woman should be thoughtful in conversation and try to find topics the guy can relate to and share about, too, not getting into a lot of emotionally oriented stuff, at least not until the friendship is well underway and perhaps more appropriate.

Unfortunately, in order to pursue a woman, you have to get to know her and that involves some talking…but if you really don’t like sitting and just talking there are lots of ways to date doing active activities if you put some thought into it. It is better to have a good deal of shared activity when dating I think to avoid the talking trap that can happen. That way you can get to know her over time, enjoying some common interests with bits of conversation here and there…

Women will want you to pay attention to them and show you are interested though. That has to be consistently demonstrated over time.

And I still think at least for me it is important for the man to show he can initiate and plan things at least at first to demonstrate yoru interest, ability to pursue/initiate…you just can’t progress eventually if everything is a group “date.”

I read on another site that women guard their hearts until they are sure a man is truly interested and capable of moving toward commitment. Men can show these things through their actions towards the women over time.

But what do I know - sometimes I think I am a dating blockhead! it’s not easy but have courage!

 

[Belgarion]

Unfortunately for a man who dislikes talking, most women use talking to bond. I try to be mindful of the difference between talking to my girlfriends - “chick talk” and talking to a guy. I even recently ordered a Catholic book online regarding dating that talks about conversation…to have more neutral topics for converstion…

A woman should be thoughtful in conversation and try to find topics the guy can relate to and share about, too, not getting into a lot of emotionally oriented stuff, at least not until the friendship is well underway and perhaps more appropriate.

Unfortunately, in order to pursue a woman, you have to get to know her and that involves some talking…but if you really don’t like sitting and just talking there are lots of ways to date doing active activities if you put some thought into it. It is better to have a good deal of shared activity when dating I think to avoid the talking trap that can happen. That way you can get to know her over time, enjoying some common interests with bits of conversation here and there…

Women will want you to pay attention to them and show you are interested though. That has to be consistently demonstrated over time.

And I still think at least for me it is important for the man to show he can initiate and plan things at least at first to demonstrate yoru interest, ability to pursue/initiate…you just can’t progress eventually if everything is a group “date.”

I read on another site that women guard their hearts until they are sure a man is truly interested and capable of moving toward commitment. Men can show these things through their actions towards the women over time.

But what do I know - sometimes I think I am a dating blockhead! it’s not easy but have courage!

No no, This is VERY insightful

According to this though, I’m set

 

[Bataar]

Unfortunately for a man who dislikes talking, most women use talking to bond. I try to be mindful of the difference between talking to my girlfriends - “chick talk” and talking to a guy. I even recently ordered a Catholic book online regarding dating that talks about conversation…to have more neutral topics for converstion…

A woman should be thoughtful in conversation and try to find topics the guy can relate to and share about, too, not getting into a lot of emotionally oriented stuff, at least not until the friendship is well underway and perhaps more appropriate.

Unfortunately, in order to pursue a woman, you have to get to know her and that involves some talking…but if you really don’t like sitting and just talking there are lots of ways to date doing active activities if you put some thought into it. It is better to have a good deal of shared activity when dating I think to avoid the talking trap that can happen. That way you can get to know her over time, enjoying some common interests with bits of conversation here and there…

Women will want you to pay attention to them and show you are interested though. That has to be consistently demonstrated over time.

And I still think at least for me it is important for the man to show he can initiate and plan things at least at first to demonstrate yoru interest, ability to pursue/initiate…you just can’t progress eventually if everything is a group “date.”

I read on another site that women guard their hearts until they are sure a man is truly interested and capable of moving toward commitment. Men can show these things through their actions towards the women over time.

But what do I know - sometimes I think I am a dating blockhead! it’s not easy but have courage!

I totally agree and that’s one of the reasons I don’t even try to date or meet people. I enjoy talking about something that is relevant and will ask questions to inform myself further or provide information on something, but that’s about it. There are no women that go to the social events I go to so that pretty much eliminates finding one I can talk to about something relevant that I find interesting.

 

[jennifer67]

Well, you are a very hard case! Perhapse more later.

But I would say in a friendly way you seem pretty set in your ways. Perhaps you are young and really not at a stage where you are seriously interested…

Yes, there are men out there who just do not talk in the conventional sense. I once tried to date a guy who just flat out never spoke a single word at all at meals. Coming from a big Irish family, this was akin to barbarism, meal time conversation practically sacred, but I tried to be open-minded. In the end we had to part ways unfortunately. It was just too much for me to deal with, the deafening silence at the table. I had visions of very ill-adjusted children…suffering total emotional disconnection due to the mealtime pathology of this man…

My sister is married to a non-talking engineer who responds to her by making slight shifts in eye contact. However, he will talk when prodded, such as with the reminder “You have to use words.” Yet, he successfully pursued my talkative, very pretty sister and they are very happily married…mystifying…she actually likes it that way as it is a relief after years with my very intelligent, very talkative, opinionated Irish father…!

So if there are other men out there like you and most men are able to find a match somehow, there must be women who can deal with this, or there must be some way you can be yourself and still relate to women…

But don’t rule out a little upgrade in social skills. I may be biased but basic conversation skills are very useful not just in dating but in work, and lots of oter situations.

I myself as I have mentioned plan to read a book about conversation in dating so I can avoid the pitfalls we are discussing and have pity on the poor men who try to date me!

Goodnight and good luck.

 

[barbfromtucson]

This is in response to the OP:

First of all, I had an abusive childhood, and I’ve been having to heal myself of all the wounds (emotional scars and such) that I accrued during that time. I figure that God needs to heal me first and teach me to trust Him before I can trust another person on an intimate basis. “Letting go” and trusting others have been obstacles for me…but God is in process of healing me.

Secondly, my standards might be too ‘high’ for today’s society. I want a man who is strong in his Catholic faith, who will love me for who I am on the inside (who’s not looking for a Barbie-doll). Inner-beauty is more important to me than outer-beauty. I want an inter-dependent relationship where we help each other grow to our full potential. One who will stick by me when times are tough (as I would stand by him during his low moments) and that 1-800-DIVORCE won’t be dialed the moment something goes awry in the relationship.

That’s probably too much to ask for this day and age, but I would rather live my life out as a single person than to sacrifice any of my morals.

God Bless,

Barbara

 

[Bataar]

Being young is relative. I’m probably old to some, young to others. Anyway, I’ll stop beating around the bush. I’m 29. I guess I’m pretty set in my ways. After my sister’s wedding a couple of years ago, I came up with the idea that if I ever get stuck at another wedding reception (both of my siblings are married so I don’t see that happening) I would type up a flier with all the relevant information about myself, such as where I’m working, what I think of my job, that I’ve completed school, that I am not married, that I do not have a girlfriend, that I’m not gay, and all that kind of boring stuff, etc. I’d keep a stack of them at my table and I’d hand them out to people who wanted to talk to me out of nothing more than a sense of social obligation.

I know what you’re thinking, “But what if they really cared about you?” Well, to that I would say that someone (assuming most of the people at a sibling’s family is also family or a friend of the family) who only tries to initiate conversation with me at a wedding, probably doesn’t really care about me. How else could one explain why they have made no effort to establish a relationship in the prior years? How does it benefit either them or me to talk about stuff that is so meaningless, boring and tedious?

Now, if someone were to come over and ask if I caught the latest episode of Battlestar Galactica or Lost, or if I’ve gone fishing lately, who the best candidate for president it, etc that’s another thing altogether. That’s actually an interesting topic that I can go on and on about. The problem is that at a function like that, not too many people are going to be talking about “interesting” topic. For me, when I’m conversing, it’s all about the topic. The “act” of conversing or the person I’m conversing with is beside the point.

 

[dakotagirl]

QUOTE// I guess its just me though. I’ve spent most of my life dreaming about my future bride, and being single at 19 depresses me!! //QUOTE

Sooth, good sir; cease, or all maidens in this forum shall be swooning.

 

[Magicsilence]

QUOTE// I guess its just me though. I’ve spent most of my life dreaming about my future bride, and being single at 19 depresses me!! //QUOTE

Sooth, good sir; cease, or all maidens in this forum shall be swooning.

MAIDEN!

That’s a word I wouldn’t have expected from you USA’ers

Nor ‘sooth’, but maiden is much more poignant to this discussion

And swooning is such a delicious word too.

Whatever you’ve been studying, I commend you!

 

[Magicsilence]

Now, if someone were to come over and ask if I caught the latest episode of Battlestar Galactica or Lost, or if I’ve gone fishing lately, who the best candidate for president it, etc that’s another thing altogether. That’s actually an interesting topic that I can go on and on about. The problem is that at a function like that, not too many people are going to be talking about “interesting” topic. For me, when I’m conversing, it’s all about the topic. The “act” of conversing or the person I’m conversing with is beside the point.

Ironically, if someone asked me about ‘Battle star Galatica’, ‘Lost’ or if I’d been fishing, I would be going zzzzzzzzzz in my mind.

Conversation is pretty pointless if you think about it, but life isn’t about efficiency. I’m sure our Lord had to talk to people at weddings and gatherings about mundane things.

In fact, taking an interest in other people can be a good way to stop making yourself the centre of your life, and start focusing on what you can do for others.

HOWEVER, if a girl started asking me what I thought of the latest episode of insert tv program here, I’d know that we wouldn’t be dating (or, marriage?) material. Life is greater than the TV.

 

[jennifer67]

I can see your point on some of this stuff about conversation and I’m trying to be open-minded and understanding, from your point of view, BUT

“small talk” which you got annoyed with at the reception has a purpose, it is the polite way to gently approach a person and show an interest in them…by talking about what seems like unimportant neutral topics, they are respecting a person’s space, approaching in a non-threatening way and just making an opening for social interaction generally…also people like to know or refresh themselves about the basics and share the same to orient themselves to who they are talking to…again this is a basic social skill they are using and it is considered polite…

noone will know you are into galactica etc…until they get to know you a bit and would be odd or at least a very rare coincidence if they just suddenly started a converstion about your favorite topic…

when talking to women, small talk is a polite non-threatening way to apporoach…I wouldn’t like a guy to approach me and say “Let’s forget all the trivial BS, I’m looking to get a date - what do you think about me” or even getting onto his favorite topic “Let me tell you about the last episode of galactica” without exploring who I am or what I might be interested in…you might be considered a bore frankly!

Social niceties might seem trivial or a waste of time but they have a purpose and showing you have basic social skills and can engage in the generally normal way, at least at first shows you are thoughtful and considerate and makes people comfortable…

Yes, it is important to get outside yourself and think of others, what they are interested in, how they might feel and focus on giving…

I could probably say more, but I’ll leave it at that. I am thinking you are comfortable as a bachelor and maybe called to be a career bachelor and that is the right thing for some guys…or you are venting your frustrations/resentments about the whole business! Which admittedly can be a pain but you have to make effort and be creative to find a way to enjoy it.

Otherwise, not sure how you could realistically meet and pursue eligible women if you want to communicate with flyers etc… I’ve often thought of ordering a guy from a catalogue, ha ha, that would be easier than dating but not probably realistic…you could put an ad in the church bulleting “Non-talking woman sought, occasional discussion on galactica tolerated but only at my initiation…no dating…call my lawyer and review written conditins of contract if interested. I’m busy so won’t be able to meet until the wedding, unless you enjoy group bowling outings, but you’ll have to buy your own pizza.” What do you think? Is that a start?

BTW, I wonder what your sisters think…they’ve probably had something to say on the topic,no doubt…

Oh, well, off to work…