St. Helen (249-329)… For most of the 1,700 years since Helen’s death, divorce was rare, even among non-Catholics. Among Catholics it was almost unthinkable…
Why didn’t St. Helen think, “Hmmm, it is obvious that no good Constantius and I were never validly married. If we were then he never would have thought it was okay to run off with that new “trophy wife” he was after.”
… “See, that sin your spouse committed is evidence you were never even married to begin with. Seek an annulment and no longer be faithful to her.” Where is this approach promoted in the first 1,500 years of the Church?
…I do take comfort in knowing that there have been saints who were treated poorly in marriage and even abandoned who chose to remain faithful to their spouses.
I agree with Rence, St. Helen is a bad example!
I think no one would DARE marry the ex-wife of the powerful emperor! That would be like becoming a moving target. Suicide!
As far as seeking annulment because your spouse sinned, that’s not even a reason. Annulment is for invalidity at the time of the marriage. Constantine or Schwarzenegger was cheating at the time of the engagement, that would be grounds.
I do not think Schwarzenegger is a good example either. I don’t think Maria needs her friends to tell her that her husband has a serious political gain for her to publicly forgive him. If she is not trusting his “repentence”, she would be the one to discern if she can trust him or not. It is kind of hard to trust someone who was doing that right under your own nose in your own house. A pretty serious breech of trust. One would have to be pretty foolish to “forget” that repeated offense (this was not a one-time “oops!”) Yes, he deserves forgiveness whether he is sorry or not, but does he deserve a “forget”? I don’t think so! Certainly not this soon!
I think going back hundreds of years to make a point for low numbers of annulments is not any kind of case. They also had slavery and indentured servitude then, and very often women were slaves their entire lives when they chose or had forced upon them bad husbands. There was no way out for them - just a lifetime of hardship. Like for the slaves.
Also, St. Helen is Patron Saint of the rejected spouses. She is not a Patron Saint of Rejected Spouses Who Insist They are Still Married. That’s not her cause.
When I divorced, even though I have no memories of anything like a real marriage, and it was clear to me that my marriage never was anything like a real marriage, confirmed by every priest I consulted. I, also, thought I would never re-marry, so, why seek an annulment? But I probably made that choice as much out of exhaustion from the years of effort to make something of my nothing, and what it takes out of you to live in an abusive marriage.
And my marriage, Bryan, was NOT physically or sexually abusive – I am pointing that out because I have heard you say physical abuse is a reason to end a marraige. My ex knew enough not to physically abuse; when he tried shoving me once early on and I told him I would call the police if he ever did it again, and he knew I meant it, and so he didn’t. But I don’t see where you are aware that verbal abuse can be much, much worse. In fact battered women agree that verbal abuse is much more damaging than any bruises or broken bones! And it does not have to be all-out swearing, name-calling and shouting. Though I had some of that. But what was almost worse is the subtle constant undermining of covert verbal and emotional abuse. Because things
appear fine,
sort of, but somethign feels terribly wrong, all the time…
So that all made me tired. I was Hurting. I had lived in fear long, and mastering the art of eggshell-walking had been my life, and I wanted to at least be pleasing to God now. And perhaps a part of me feared He wa a hard taskmaster,like my husband had been, like the marriage I had been in and kept my vow to for His sake. And in my Hurting, annulment made me fear, too. Maybe that was the Holy Mother Chruch abusing, too, by the annulment process, and “annulment mentality” was all wrong, and if I went that route* I would displease God. * Yes, i would fail God on top of my marriage failure.
But the Lord Jesus offered to make me whole this fall. And He did, sort of all at once, and now all the tiredness is gone, and the pain of my non-marriage is like a distant memory from some other life. But I feel for the pain of all those in such non-marriages, all those living in recovery of one. And it makes sense that Holy Mother Church does not confine these who live lives of penance being married to a further life of penance after marriage. That sometimes he allows the unloved someone to love someone, and to be loved back…
If you had a lovely marriage and happy memories of a happily valid marriage, though, I am glad for you. I never had that. I think if I had, it would be possible to go forward “still married” after the divorce. Bittersweet to remember what was. But I might identify with what is said of love: that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved.
I remember the sobering realization that I had not had that and because of my vow never would even have someone to enjoy a cup of coffee with me (other than girlfriends! I had friends…). It was sad to realize this, but I knew God would make up for it in Heaven.
Now the Church will likely be telling me soon I am free to marry, and aloneness is not my cross to bear.
So, if you say your marriage is valid, then it must have been a happy time at some time and you have happy memories at least. An amazing experience of love within marraige that I never had.
], and she/you was not capable of keeping them. The Church would have confirmed that truth, but you did not want to know what my Chruch had to say on the matter, so I honored your will in that.”
Praying!