Found out he's not a virgin...help?

[silicasandra]

People should definitely not feel bad because they didn’t meet lofty expectations. I totally agree.

That said, uh… yeah my wedding night was all kinds of awesome. That’s probably because we made the savvy and less expensive decision to have an 11am Nuptial Mass, followed by a reception from 12-3. Gave us plenty of time to get in a limo, go to the airport, fly to the Caribbean and still be awake with a decent amount of energy by the time we got to our room at like, 9:30 or 10 pm.

Oh, and having little alcohol helps TREMENDOUSLY. We each had one glass of champagne at our own wedding. That was not repeated when we went to friends and family members’ weddings…

You are definitely right. I remember that we got to our hotel late, after there was no one at the desk. I realized it as we were en route and called to inform them, and they said they would leave our key out if we got there too late. We got there a bit after midnight, no key anywhere to be found. I was still in my dress, he was still in his tux, we were exhausted, and it looked like the room we had paid for in full in advance was just poof! gone. No note or anything. Finally after about fifteen minutes my husband ran into someone (I wasn’t going to go wandering around in my poofy dress) and we were able to get to our room. We still had a nice night, but I do remember feeling a little sad that we didn’t get to spend much time there (and it was a really nice room.) We didn’t go on our honeymoon until a week later so we could spend as much time with travelling family as possible, so it was just the one night (and checkout was at 11am.)

Still, though, I gave birth nine months later so it wasn’t all bad.

 

[ValPal]

Physically, I can’t imagine the wedding night being anything special whether you are a virgin or not.

Actually, my wife and I weren’t virgins…obviously…because we were both married before. Not being virgins made our wedding night a hell of a lot of fun.

Mentally and spiritually it has to be a huge deal. I wish I could have experienced something so deeply special, spiritual and personal with my husband…and only my husband.

In my experience, the spiritual experience comes way later; it will not happen on one’s wedding night. It occurs when a deep connection is established between husband and wife after years of being and growing together.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I think we need to get rid of this expectation that the wedding night is going to be some transcendant bliss. Lot’s of virging have disappointing wedding nights too. It takes time for a couple to get to know each other and build that aspect of a relationship. People shouldn’t feel bad b/c they didn’t meet some lofty expectation.

God Bless

I don’t think that is what we are discussing here. It’s more of a recognition that once you have given that precious gift of your most intimate union to another person (or persons ), you will not be giving it to your spouse. That “first” of everything, he or she cannot ever be. If both spouses have been chaste, the union may not be great at first, but it will be YOURS and YOURS ALONE, and you will discover each other on equal terms. No one else will defile the marriage bed.

 

[Debora123]

So I “met” a guy on a Catholic online dating website a few weeks ago. We have been talking a lot and it’s crazy how much we have in common - it seems like everything we talk about, like our hopes for our futures, how to raise a family, and so on, we always agree on. He wants to come visit and wants to have a godly relationship, and even wants to ask my dad for permission to date me (for the record, Iam in my early 20’s, he is in his mid-20’s). I was, and still am very excited about him…but recently he told me that he is not a virgin. He’s repented of it and is committed to living purely. I am trying to be okay with this, but I don’t think I am, I’ve been really sad since I found out. I’m a virgin, and I’ve always expected to marry a virgin but I thought that if something like this happened, I would be able to get around it. It makes me so sad that he wouldn’t be able to give me the same gift I would be giving him if we were to get married, and I’d have to be worried that I wasn’t measuring up to the girls he’s already been with…plus there is the practical matter of how many guys those girls had slept with previous to him and the rsk of disease.
What do you think? Should I continure to pursue this relationship? I like him in every other way, and I am afraid I won’t be able to find a man who is as great as he is, but a virgin. Male Catholic virgins are pretty rare nowadays, especially in my area where most people are not very religious…I would hate to ruin this and then never find anyone. thoughts/ what would you do/what have you done in a similar situation?

Difficult situation indeed. I know I would not have been strong enough to look past something like that. All the luck to you.

 

[Kelfa28]

Actually, my wife and I weren’t virgins…obviously…because we were both married before. Not being virgins made our wedding night a hell of a lot of fun.

In my experience, the spiritual experience comes way later; it will not happen on one’s wedding night. It occurs when a deep connection is established between husband and wife after years of being and growing together.

No, you’re right.

My wedding night was fantastic. It was almost everything I wanted it to be. We were at the hotel late and my husband was working overnights so he was exhausted.

 

[The_Bucket]

On the subjects of firsts, I was not the first guy my wife kissed in a passionate way. I was not her first serious boyfriend. Should I have been jealous? Should that have made me feel bad in some way?

I had a couple of girlfriends prior to her but nothing that went beyond a few months. Hadn’t kissed them passionately at all. It just never felt right. Maybe that’s why it went south with them!

Personally I felt weird and kind of pathetic that the first girl I “really kissed” was my wife and that was at the ripe old age of 21. She thought it was sweet. I, of course, did NOT tell her about this for awhile because I didn’t want to seem sad. I may have not been great with the ladies but I did know that my status was a bit strange considering that it was not out of some great principle but lack of opportunity. Or at least opportunity I never seized upon because I really never thought much about it with those other girls.

My point is that we all have pasts. We also all have futures. One needs to have wisdom to understand when to let the past go and when to use it as a guide for what might happen in the future.

 

[The_Bucket]

And if there is one piece of advice I can give to people planning a wedding and seeking a great wedding night be they virgins or not, it’s this:

Have your wedding in the morning and don’t drink a lot. It will make your night a lot better.

Oh and for goodness sakes, do not show up at the after parties. Those are for the guests. You have better things to do.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

On the subjects of firsts, I was not the first guy my wife kissed in a passionate way. I was not her first serious boyfriend. Should I have been jealous? Should that have made me feel bad in some way?

I had a couple of girlfriends prior to her but nothing that went beyond a few months. Hadn’t kissed them passionately at all. It just never felt right. Maybe that’s why it went south with them!

Personally I felt weird and kind of pathetic that the first girl I “really kissed” was my wife and that was at the ripe old age of 21. She thought it was sweet. I, of course, did NOT tell her about this for awhile because I didn’t want to seem sad. I may have not been great with the ladies but I did know that my status was a bit strange considering that it was not out of some great principle but lack of opportunity. Or at least opportunity I never seized upon because I really never thought much about it with those other girls.

My point is that we all have pasts. We also all have futures. One needs to have wisdom to understand when to let the past go and when to use it as a guide for what might happen in the future.

I was my FH’s first everything, even kiss. And he was 23 when we met. We even hang out with a couple of my exes as friends and he has never had an issue with my past and it has never made him jealous or sad except for one thing: I was engaged to a man previously. He has always been a little disappointed that I’ve had the joy of announcing an engagement, showing off a ring, and planning a wedding before. Its so special and new to him and he wants to share that with me. It feels like the first time for me too, but he doesn’t believe it. But I don’t need him to forgive me for it, we just need to focus on the life we are planning together.

 

[joshvanrad]

Discern what aspects of a person you require for dating.

 

[Lorelei12]

OP, like you, I had always imagined my husband and I would both be virgins on our wedding night. As it turned out, I was, and he wasn’t. I had to make a decision when I found out about how much it really mattered to me. I asked him to get tested, and ultimately decided it was something I could deal with. And I sure am glad I did! Having promised ourselves to each other for as long as we live, being husband and wife…is different and better than what happened in his past. I’m honored to be his wife, and am thankful that I did not allow what I thought would be a deal-breaker to end our relationship.

That said, I am not telling you that this is the right thing in your situation. That’s going to depend on what you decide is right for you. There is nothing wrong with deciding you aren’t okay with it, and if that’s the case don’t lead him on. Just know that there are some of us who have been where you are, and ended up in beautiful sacramental marriages with spouses who weren’t virgins.

 

[ValPal]

Having promised ourselves to each other for as long as we live, being husband and wife…

Ultimately this is what’s most important.

Most of us do have deal-breaker issues, though. We just have to decide if an issue is really a deal-breaking issue, or simply something that we would prefer in a person but could live without.

 

[Hat4]

Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

Oscar Wilde

 

[jimmy]

So you found out he isn’t perfect? If your looking for perfection it might take a while to find it. Just saying.

You’ve known him for three weeks. It’s not like he dropped this on you five years into marriage. Either you are willing to get to know the guy or say you can’t do it.

 

[Lucky7]

I’ll just say that when you haven’t met him yet it’s easier to rule him out for just about anything. When you get to know someone you learn that there are many things that you need to overlook, forgive, etc…the difference being that you want to do so. In my case this wasn’t one of those things, but I am thinking that if this turned into true love, you could overlook it, forgive it, etc.

I would at least give him a chance. Don’t let fear stand in the way.

 

[_Jenn]

Honestly, just knowing that he isn’t a virgin isn’t enough, IMO. Define what kind of “not a virgin” he is…was it a couple times with 1 person, who he was in a long term, serious relationship with? Or was he out there sleeping with everyone he called “girlfriend” and has a list too long to count? There is a difference, IMO.

My husband was of the 1st variety I listed. With one person, they were each other’s firsts, and it happened maybe 2, 3 times. That is FAR different from someone who slept with every woman he was interested in.

Ultimately, you have to decide what your limits are, what your deal breakers are, etc. But if all you know is that he “isn’t a virgin”, I would recommend finding out more before you make a decision.

 

[DaveBj]

I haven’t read the whole thread (don’t have time), but my advice would be to deal with his past in the same way that you would want God to deal with yours. If you find that you can’t do that, then follow the advice in post #2 and let him go now.

 

[sacred_words]

There are people who haven’t bought into what the hookup culture has to sell and have made the choice to remain virgins until marriage. I’m one of them, lol. It’s just a matter of finding them. Anyways, if this is a deal breaker for you, then it would be in your best interest (and his) to move on, regardless if it was a one time thing or has a list of ex girlfriends he went all the way with before he met you. You obviously care about him a lot, and you’ve invested some time in this relationship.

That said, while moving on is upsetting to think about, you owe it to yourself and to him to part ways if marrying a virgin is non-negotiable for you.

 

[mryan6699]

So I “met” a guy on a Catholic online dating website a few weeks ago. We have been talking a lot and it’s crazy how much we have in common - it seems like everything we talk about, like our hopes for our futures, how to raise a family, and so on, we always agree on. He wants to come visit and wants to have a godly relationship, and even wants to ask my dad for permission to date me (for the record, Iam in my early 20’s, he is in his mid-20’s). I was, and still am very excited about him…but recently he told me that he is not a virgin. He’s repented of it and is committed to living purely. I am trying to be okay with this, but I don’t think I am, I’ve been really sad since I found out. I’m a virgin, and I’ve always expected to marry a virgin but I thought that if something like this happened, I would be able to get around it. It makes me so sad that he wouldn’t be able to give me the same gift I would be giving him if we were to get married, and I’d have to be worried that I wasn’t measuring up to the girls he’s already been with…plus there is the practical matter of how many guys those girls had slept with previous to him and the rsk of disease.
What do you think? Should I continure to pursue this relationship? I like him in every other way, and I am afraid I won’t be able to find a man who is as great as he is, but a virgin. Male Catholic virgins are pretty rare nowadays, especially in my area where most people are not very religious…I would hate to ruin this and then never find anyone. thoughts/ what would you do/what have you done in a similar situation?

 

[mryan6699]

Pray about it and let God guide you.
Mike DRE

 

[Catholic80]

Virginity can be “regained” in a sense.

St. Margaret of Cortona had a less than pure past, so to speak, and then repented and did the most intense penances, etc. She became a mystic and one day Christ came to her and told her that she would have a place among the virgins in heaven. In short, He told her that her penances had purified her soul to the state of virgin.

So, if God can accept repentance and return us to our virginal state, then why can’t we?

The definition of virginity is not the absence of having sex. For example, that would make a rape victim no longer a virgin. But, the true meaning of virgin is a complete openness to the other. The marital act fulfills our virginity. Virginity is not “lost” in a chaste marriage, even when the couples engage in sex regularly. It is fulfilled.

If this man is truly repentant, he is capable of giving himself fully to you and being fully open to receiving you as well. Does it make it harder to achieve this once a person has had sex outside of marriage? Yes. But it is not impossible.

Lastly, I would like to point out that most of us have fallen short of chastity and the virginal attitude at some point or another. It’s almost impossible not to unless one has been given special graces. So to speak, most of us have “denied” this gift to our future spouse. This is why there is forgiveness.