Found out he's not a virgin...help?

[PJM]

=emeraldocean;10037486]So I “met” a guy on a Catholic online dating website a few weeks ago. We have been talking a lot and it’s crazy how much we have in common - it seems like everything we talk about, like our hopes for our futures, how to raise a family, and so on, we always agree on. He wants to come visit and wants to have a godly relationship, and even wants to ask my dad for permission to date me (for the record, Iam in my early 20’s, he is in his mid-20’s). I was, and still am very excited about him…but recently he told me that he is not a virgin. He’s repented of it and is committed to living purely. I am trying to be okay with this, but I don’t think I am, I’ve been really sad since I found out. I’m a virgin, and I’ve always expected to marry a virgin but I thought that if something like this happened, I would be able to get around it. It makes me so sad that he wouldn’t be able to give me the same gift I would be giving him if we were to get married, and I’d have to be worried that I wasn’t measuring up to the girls he’s already been with…plus there is the practical matter of how many guys those girls had slept with previous to him and the rsk of disease.
What do you think? Should I continure to pursue this relationship? I like him in every other way, and I am afraid I won’t be able to find a man who is as great as he is, but a virgin. Male Catholic virgins are pretty rare nowadays, especially in my area where most people are not very religious…I would hate to ruin this and then never find anyone. thoughts/ what would you do/what have you done in a similar situation?

SADLY IN THIS DAY AND AGE SUCH IS MORE COMMON THAN VIRGINITY!

What seems more important is not what he has done; but HOW he is living his life now; and how THAT meets your [CORRECT] expetitions?

Make clear that your a virgin; that marriage is forever and that there will be no premartial sex! Get his reaction. Then you can share that you expect if this relationship is to proceed that he refrain from premartial sex too.

Then PRAY about it. God will tell you His WILL.

God Bless you,

pat /PJM

 

[emeraldocean]

Thanks everyone, your posts have really helped me look at this from all sides. I think I have figured out what I should do…thanks for the help!!

 

[maltmom]

Thanks everyone, your posts have really helped me look at this from all sides. I think I have figured out what I should do…thanks for the help!!

Good luck with whatever you’ve decided to do.

 

[Catholic80]

Received my first “hate” post, privately of course. Accused me of not respecting virginity, which ignores the point that I stated I didn’t. Followed up with a personal insinuation on my own chastity both now and at the time of my marriage - along the lines of, "if I can’t debate an argument on its own merits, best to make a personal attack, preferably sexual or some form of toilet humor, or other “shocking” accusation. Boorish and rude, but predictable.

I did not say losing one’s virginity outside of marriage is not a sin. But I do say that refusing to forgive that sin, not to forget the “go and sin no more” part of the equation is acting against what we were taught and modeled by Jesus.

Ha! Seems like we both got the same hate mail, and unfortunately, my reply (siting Catholic sources and quotes) to him was blocked.

That said, I highly recommend reading the stories of St. Margaret of Cortona, St. Mary of Egypt, St. Augustine, and who could forget the prostitute in Bethany!

God’s mercy is endless!

 

[sgwallace]

As everyone was so kind as to invite me to this thread (and insist on it), I have no choice but to oblige such requests.

“From reading other posts on this forum, I’ve come to the conclusion that virgins are in for a fall.”

Since your opening statement lacks a qualifier, the reader is forced to assume that you are referring to all virgins (there is such thing as an assumed qualifier when dealing with quantities, BTW). No one caught that (or chose not to). So, what do you mean by “virgins are in for a fall”? Since you claim that you are not bashing virgins, perhaps you could reword the quote.

“They tend to build sex up to a point where they end end up lusting instead of loving when the day gets closer. I’ve read too many virgin men anguishing over what to do if they wife refuses to have sex 7 days a week. Their pent up sexual frustration literally takes over their thinking and their common sense.”

Do you have one example of this?

“I’m not saying that virginity isn’t a wonderful gift to give to each other.”

Not explicitly, no.

“The various Catholic abstinence programs teach teens that they can become “virgins again” if they just stop their sexual activity.”

Nope. And certainly not worded in that way.

“Our Church teaches us that when we go to confession and are truly contrite, we are washed clean. Why not just accept that and not try to be more Catholic than the Church?”

You are completely incorrect in your invocation of the word and concept of forgiveness. Contrary to your usage (and that of others), it has no part whatsoever in this. You claim that we should not be “more Catholic than the Church”, but you are usurping God’s place in attempting to “forgive” what isn’t to be forgiven by us (or you, for that matter). The suggestion is scandalous.

“In one evening, you won’t be a virgin either.”

Very dishonest phrasing. Ambiguous. You realize the causal processes are different, yes? You are implying a connection via end state between someone who mortally sins and someone who doesn’t. Please clarify.

What also annoys me is when someone’s previous (relevant, related) choices are obscured (by them - not disclosed) and an air of impartiality adopted, the result is usually misleading. There’s a conflict of interest; of course a person will tend towards speaking favorably of past actions (or at least withholding proper disapproval); of course they will react negatively to rejection on those grounds (or discussion of it).

The problem really centers around obscuring their reasons. Presenting affirming choices as selfless, and opposing choices as selfish is just a way (even if subconsciously) to affirm their own actions (prior or ongoing).

They’ve clearly put themselves in the place of the person another is going to reject (immediately or just in the future) and call for reconsideration of that person. What is really happening is that in their selfishness to be affirmed, they affect others unrelated and unconnected to them. What the “rejector” is doing is not wrong, but the “rejector” ends up feeling judged and must (and does) act in a way to satisfy the misgrounded accusations of “unChristian” attitudes.

The vicariousness of it is overwhelmingly apparent. The vile and unsound nature of it is incorrigible, it seems.

PS.

“67. In the midst of the grave difficulties with which the Church must contend today, the heart of the Supreme Pastor is greatly comforted, Venerable Brothers, when We see that virginity, which is flourishing throughout the world, is held in great honor and repute in the present as it was in past centuries” - Pius XII

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Do not respond or argue with sgwallace, that only encourages her. Just hit report.

 

[april32010]

hey ,i know you viewing this thread ,bye bye

 

[sgwallace]

“Do not respond or argue with sgwallace, that only encourages her. Just hit report.”

It would indeed be awful if someone were to reply to anything I wrote. BTW, what gives you the right to command others not to respond?

“In one evening, you won’t be a virgin either.”

Add in fallacy of composition for the above quote.

 

[The_Bucket]

Chev, you’ve made it quite clear that you don’t believe in charity towards others and you most likely have little concept or belief in the redemptive power of contrition, reconciliation and amendment of life. We get it. You can quit your trolling enterprises anytime and folks, I think it’s nearing time we push for an IP ban so she can’t keep making new account after new account.

 

[sgwallace]

“Chev, you’ve made it quite clear that you don’t believe in charity towards others and you most likely have little concept or belief in the redemptive power of contrition, reconciliation and amendment of life.”

You seem to have little concept of the consequences. The kinds of “charitable” PMs I’ve received are setting ever higher standards for my own conduct.

I’m not really referring to contrition, reconciliation, and amendment, I’m talking about rejection on any grounds, which some people have great difficulty accepting. Amendment is fine, but history proves it is not fail-safe, and my addressing of that fact reminds people of certain things…

 

[The_Bucket]

And virginity is proof of precious little except that you’ve never had sex. It’s not a demonstration of virtue. Chastity is a demonstration of virtue.

I was a virgin at marriage and I had also been a porn addict from the time I was 13 until I was 20. I cut the nonsense after getting out into the real world a bit and then got married. But I never addressed the source of the problem, which was that I didn’t have a real relationship with God. Guess what? Once the anxieties of being a breadwinner and a father hit in full force, I was right back to the pornography.

I’ve had awhile in recovery and I’m certainly far more chaste and have a much better relationship with God than when I was a virgin. Heck, I’m a better man now than when I was not active in my addiction but also not actively trying to become closer to God. I was committing hundreds of sins of omission during that time.

That’s my point. You stress the fact that the past is prologue when Christ tells you to always keep your eyes on Him and always move forward towards Him. No one has ever said that one should ignore history, but sometimes a history of sinfulness brings with it a future of sainthood. Go ask St. Augustine or St. Margaret of Cortona.

In the mean time, try taking lessons from the Franciscans who let St. Margaret live with them and join the Third Order and rebuked those who tried to keep her out just because she had once lived with a man for a decade and bore him a child out of wedlock. They knew she had contrition and amended her life. They understood the healing and redemptive power of Christ. They were well aware that she despite her sinful past could very well have been living as a better Christian than they were at that present time.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Hehe in the words of Mother Teresa of Calcutta

“Saints are only sinners who keep trying”



Irregardless, thank you.

You, my friend, are going to purgatory simply for using the word, “irregardless,” which is not a word at all but an abomination. “Regardless” is the word you were after.

:doh2:

 

[BlueEyedLady]

You, my friend, are going to purgatory simply for using the word, “irregardless,” which is not a word at all but an abomination. “Regardless” is the word you were after.

:doh2:

Don’t blame him, he doesn’t believe that an education in anything but math, science, engineering, or technology is worth the time or money.

Don’t worry, I kid you AustenBosten.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Don’t blame him, he doesn’t believe that an education in anything but math, science, engineering, or technology is worth the time or money.

Don’t worry, I kid you AustenBosten.

Even engineers have to take Composition 101.

And I would spank the MS coders for not flagging “irregardless” as a grammatical error.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Even engineers have to take Composition 101.

And I would spank the MS coders for not flagging “irregardless” as a grammatical error.

One of my dear friends is a programmer and his company got so fed up with all of the blatant grammatical errors slipping through that they gave everyone a basic English and grammar test, and those that didn’t do very well had to take an online remedial grammar course (on company time for free). My roommate was one of the, get this, 16% who didn’t have to take the course. They gave him a day off and a $200 bonus.