Friend got a girl pregnant and now doesn't know what to do - please help

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Why is your friend not considering moving HIMSELF to where his child is. I don’t know that the best option is to move a pregnant young woman across the country where the only person she will have is a man who doesn’t really want her in his life at all. She would be better off, in most cases, to be near her own family and friends. She will need a lot of love and support, and your friend doesn’t sound like that is a priority for him. I think he should move closer to his child and build a life there. Whether or not he continues in a relationship with the mother, he must do all he can to be a good father. I’m sure it will be hard, but it is the right thing to do. All of his current worries are selfish and childish. He should work hard to support himself and his child and he should be a strong and involved father.
 
-He has talked to her about adoption but she is not up for it. She is in the mindset that she thinks he will marry her and that they will be great parents. She is only 16 though. Maybe she will change her mind… these two are not the best at being realistic…

-Ok, so seems you say the best option other than that is if he moves across the country and finds a place to live and work over there. If they aren’t going to live together, then I guess that makes more sense than her moving here and trying to find a place to live on her own. I’d be inclined to agree, except that if he leaves his job over here and can’t find a job once he’s over there, that’d be a disaster, he’d end up on the streets…

-Will you all quit judging my friend… based on everyone’s reactions here, I guess I must not be very good at describing the situation… I am trying to get help for him, but must have accidentally given the impression that he is a bad person. Well he is not a bad person so sorry for my shoddy description that makes him seem so, I hope you will stop believing so. I guess I am the bad person since I’m the one posting here asking you to find him a loop hole… but I just thought, if a loop hole exists, you would be the ones to know about it. (He doesn’t know that I have sought your help).
 
She’s only 16 and he is 22???:eek:

Would it even be legal from them to marry and why would she be excepted to move across the country. Are things dfferent down under because in america she couldn’t even get an apartment on her own at that age.
 
Flopfoot said:
-He has talked to her about adoption but she is not up for it. She is in the mindset that she thinks he will marry her and that they will be great parents. She is only 16 though. Maybe she will change her mind… these two are not the best at being realistic…
16! I don’t know how the laws are there but here in the US he’d have bigger problems than the baby. He’d be headed to jail.
Under these circumstances adoption would be the most caring option for the child. I’ll pray she changes her mind.

-Ok, so seems you say the best option other than that is if he moves across the country and finds a place to live and work over there. If they aren’t going to live together, then I guess that makes more sense than her moving here and trying to find a place to live on her own. I’d be inclined to agree, except that if he leaves his job over here and can’t find a job once he’s over there, that’d be a disaster, he’d end up on the streets…
She can’t find a place on her own. She’s 16! She needs to live with her parents.

-Will you all quit judging my friend… based on everyone’s reactions here, I guess I must not be very good at describing the situation… I am trying to get help for him, but must have accidentally given the impression that he is a bad person. Well he is not a bad person so sorry for my shoddy description that makes him seem so, I hope you will stop believing so. I guess I am the bad person since I’m the one posting here asking you to find him a loop hole… but I just thought, if a loop hole exists, you would be the ones to know about it. (He doesn’t know that I have sought your help).
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Not judging your friend-judging his actions or lack of action. I’m sure he’s not a bad person. He made some bad choices and needs to start making some good choices.
He also should talk to her parents about the situation. Perhaps they can join forces and help encourage adoption.
 
Flopfoot said:
He says he doesn’t feel ready to grow up and to commit to someone… I guess I should mention he is only 22 years old (and yeah, I know some get married at this age but it isn’t for everyone). He is wiloling to accept whatever consequence / responsibility he really has, but doesn’t want to be burdened with extra responsibility he shouldn’t have to take on, he has enough stress at the moment as it is.

And yea of course he and I know that it is a bad idea / wrong to sleep with someone when you’re not married to them. The church is real clear on that, the only prob is it doesn’t seem to be too clear on what happens afterwards if you ignore this teaching and get someone pregnant. Sure you’ve sinned and need to go to reco but we would appreciate some explanation on what to do about the baby. (PS, for my sake, if you want to say what is church teaching I would appreciate quote from the relevant source so I know you’re not making it up, I can be a bit skeptical).

And yea he and I know that love and marriage is not just a matter of feelings. However one thing I know about marriage is it’s always meant to be something voluntary - there should never be a situation where you are “forced” to marry someone. So, they could do what you said and try to recover feelings and consider marriage, but what if that doesn’t work out and they still don’t want to get married, what does he do then?

Your advice and prayers are appreciated, thanks.
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I would urge your young man to get some counseling/support on how to become a good father and supporter of his child. and to face up to the responsibility he has acquired by getting the girl pregnant.

SHE needs to get counseling about her own options and about what support is available.

At this point, no rash decisions should be made. Certainly not marriage because there is too much dureess. Running out on the girl is NOT an option. He is now a FATHER. He will be the father of that child for the rest of his life, whether he likes it or not.

Kick him in the boot and help him get his act together.
 
beckers said:
She’s only 16 and he is 22???:eek:

Would it even be legal from them to marry and why would she be excepted to move across the country. Are things dfferent down under because in america she couldn’t even get an apartment on her own at that age.
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Unless she became an “emancipated teen”.

Now as for your friend’s actions with someone 6 years younger than he is :eek:.

Brenda V.
 
Let’s reserve judgment on the age difference. There’s sixteen and there’s sixteen. Ditto twenty-two and twenty-two.

And I suppose nobody here has ever heard of a girl engineering a pregnancy to trap a man into marriage?

ALL this stuff has to come out before any decisions are made.
 
Flopfoot said:
-He has talked to her about adoption but she is not up for it. She is in the mindset that she thinks he will marry her and that they will be great parents. She is only 16 though. Maybe she will change her mind… these two are not the best at being realistic…
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I can understand her if she wants to keep the child. Who doesn’t? She shouldn’t be forced to give up the child and if she chooses to keep it, his obligation of support still exists.
Will you all quit judging my friend… based on everyone’s reactions here, I guess I must not be very good at describing the situation… I am trying to get help for him, but must have accidentally given the impression that he is a bad person. Well he is not a bad person so sorry for my shoddy description that makes him seem so, I hope you will stop believing so. I guess I am the bad person since I’m the one posting here asking you to find him a loop hole… but I just thought, if a loop hole exists, you would be the ones to know about it. (He doesn’t know that I have sought your help).
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He should accept his responsibility and do his duty, not find a loophole. Any law on Earth can be cheated and any judge can be forced by a loophole in the law. But how much can God be forced or deceived?

And no one is saying your friend is a bad person. It’s just that you will not hear it from anyone that what he did was reasonable or good or right, and you will not hear that what he would like to do now would be good, either.

The right thing to do is to support the child and no, there’s no moral option for a man to leave his child behind - the child is his and just sending a cheque every month doesn’t cut it. Let’s face it, he’s a father now. The girl wants to carry that pregnancy to term and keep the child, which is the natural and the right way - and no, 16 is not young enough to claim adoption would be better. There have been many mothers aged 17 and times where this was normal were not so long ago. The girl will now have the duties of a mother, which will make it more difficult to obtain an education, find a job, find a husband later on. It’s not fair that she should be left alone with all this if the decision was made jointly and both parties engaged in sex.
 
Flopfoot said:
He says he doesn’t feel ready to grow up and to commit to someone… I guess I should mention he is only 22 years old (and yeah, I know some get married at this age but it isn’t for everyone). He is wiloling to accept whatever consequence / responsibility he really has, but doesn’t want to be burdened with extra responsibility he shouldn’t have to take on, he has enough stress at the moment as it is.
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My thoughts: he’s grown up enough to create the child, now he needs to face up to his responsibilities and be a father, whether or not he ends up marrying the mother. Extra responsibility? Sorry, but he should have thought of that BEFORE he slept with this woman. Too bad if he doesn’t want to struggle financially, get a better job, change his life, and move out of mom and dad’s house. He should have thought of this before he did the baby-making deed. And really, has he stopped to think that even though he’s 50% responsible for the fact that this child exists, he’s hoping to dump 100% of the responsibility for the next 18 years on her after she carries the child for nine months, gives birth, and endures the stigma of being a single parent? And how about the kid? Has he thought about how stressful it will be for that kid to grow up knowing that his or her father didn’t want to commit to being a parent because it was too much responsibility? :mad: :mad: :mad:

I’m sure that once you get to know him he’s a great guy, but sorry, I really don’t have a good impression of him based on what you’ve told us.

Edit: Just read the post where she is 16! Unfortunately she’s probably above the age of consent in her state. But seriously, what the h*** was he thinking?

And you’re right, we shouldn’t judge your friend, but we are able to judge his actions. At best, his actions indicate a great lack of maturity and unwillingness to take personal responsibility. Perhaps this is one of those cases where the best thing to do would be for her to give up the child for adoption. I hope she does.
 
(I like the youtube clip - a classic scene!).

The first thing he needs to do is get his butt to confession.

Second, he needs to check his legal situation, first to see if he has broken any statutory rape laws, and then to find out his rights/responsibilities.

Now, my first thought was “tough luck, he bought the farm, he’s just going to have to grow up” and was going to post this (well, I’ll post it anyway for the child’s sake and use that as a starting/reference point):

usccb.org/laity/marriage/children.shtml

But the fact that she is only 16 changes everything.

I don’t know what legal age for marriage is in Australia, but it is possible she may be of legal age, however, at 16, I’m not sure how emotionally mature she is for it - but then, she has to grow up quickly now, too.

But if she keeps the kid - assuming she is pregnant and the baby is indeed his - he must not abandon her. It is absolutely wrong for him to create a problem situation and then walk away from it and expect others to clean up his “mess” and then go “on the prowl again” to repeat the process (he may even have to contend with a male virgin who can throw a good uppercut!). Perhaps they can plan marriage in a few years when she turns 18 (it takes time anyway to plan a Catholic marriage in the states, it may be similar in Australia).
 
Norseman82 said:
I don’t know what legal age for marriage is in Australia, but it is possible she may be of legal age, however, at 16, I’m not sure how emotionally mature she is for it - but then, she has to grow up quickly now, too.

But if she keeps the kid - assuming she is pregnant and the baby is indeed his - he must not abandon her. It is absolutely wrong for him to create a problem situation and then walk away from it and expect others to clean up his “mess” and then go “on the prowl again” to repeat the process (he may even have to contend with a male virgin who can throw a good uppercut!). Perhaps they can plan marriage in a few years when she turns 18 (it takes time anyway to plan a Catholic marriage in the states, it may be similar in Australia).
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Many laws make provisions for women to marry at a younger age than the one typically allowed. This is probably at least partly (mostly, in fact) because women become pregnant and men don’t. It takes parental or judicial permission, but it’s doable. Would have to do some research before speaking for Australia, though.
 
Lemme get one thing straight - the legal age of consent in Australia is sixteen. He did not break the law.

However you have a point that she might be too young to get married… I’m not really sure on that one.
 
They both need to admit that they are not kids anymore but are parents now. Both people have to grow up. If he truly does not want to get married then she has to recongize that (also, i believe either one could argue that they felt forced into the marriage and that could led to grounds for a future anullment) and He has to relaize that she is the mother of his child and he has to respect and be there for her and to provided (finanically, emotionally and spiritually) for the child.

There is no going back on their decision. There is only going foward. Both need to go to confession and talk with a consuelor of some type to see and hear all the options. I would also suggest that the families all get together to discuss things too.
 
Flopfoot said:
Lemme get one thing straight - the legal age of consent in Australia is sixteen. He did not break the law.

However you have a point that she might be too young to get married… I’m not really sure on that one.
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Please also keep in mind that most of us are talking from an American perspective (and Chevalier is from Poland, which has an even more conservative/traditional bent), and here the slang for a 16 year old girl being pursued by an adult male is a term called “jail bait”. And here in America, no parent in his/her right mind would knowingly let a 16-year old girl go across the country alone to meet romantically with a 22-year old, so unless that is different in Australia, I have to posit two additional thoughts:
  1. If the parents did indeed know/approve, what were they thinking? They are going to have to shoulder some of the responsibility, too.
  2. If the parents did not know, that means the girl is a dishonest sneak- what we call “Trouble with a capital ‘T’” - and that does not bode well for your friend or the baby or anyone else she gets involved with in the future.
 
How did this girl come up with the money to fly to see him? Did he pay for it?
Does she have parents? I don’t understand how any parent would would let their 16 year old fly across the country to meet some guy she met on th internet.
 
It doesn’t matter if he’s in love with her or not, she is pregnant and until a DNA test proves otherwise, he needs to take responsibility for his part in creating this baby.

Who moves where is a no-brainer. She is 16 and pregnant. He is 22 and not pregnant. He should relocate or visit her regularly. The point that he may have trouble finding a job if he relocated is irrelevant. She could make the same point. Also, she should be the one to stay near her family because she’s the one going through pregnancy and childbirth. You need family near you when you go through that.

Do they need to get married? No, they do not. Do they need to give the baby up for adoption? Not if the mother does not want to give up her child and is prepared to sacrifice for her child. Your friend needs to respect that.

Are there any “loop holes”? No, there are no loop holes out of fatherhood if you are a Catholic. Abortion is out. Co-erced adoption is out. Infanticide is out. Child support is required regardless of your faith. As a Catholic man, your friend has the following obligations:
  1. Praying for the health of the mother of his child, and the health of the child.
  2. Assisting the mother with prenatal medical and living expenses (I’m talking 50% here).
  3. Providing emotional support throughout the pregnancy (for instance, “I know how much you love this baby, and I just want you to know that I’ll try to be a good father to him.”)
  4. Working to relocate OR visiting the mother a couple of times during the pregnancy.
  5. Being present for the birth (non-negotiable…your friend should be present for the birth of his child).
  6. Providing court appointed monetary child support (backing out of this is comparable to starving your child…you owe your child the basic necessities).
  7. And the biggie…being a father. This isn’t a legal requirement like child support, but this is a Catholic one. You have the obligation as the father, to get this little one to heaven. This means prayers, teaching him about the Faith, helping him to become the man (or woman) God made him to be.
Yes, having a child is a huge responsibility. But it is also a great blessing. God gave them this child for a reason…

Prayers,

kevinsgirl
 
Flopfoot said:
He’s also worried that it might be hard on the child to grow up without a father. But on the flip side he is also worried that it would be hard for the child to grow up with parents who don’t really love each other.
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I just reread the OP and I thought this was worth commenting on…

Speaking as child who has parents who “don’t really love each other” anymore, a child would rather grow up with a father who loves him than with no father at all. There are many divorces and single parent families and where I see the most damage to kids are the ones where both parents can’t be respectful and civil for the sake of their children. If his parents don’t love each other, well that can’t really be helped at this point, but this child needs to be loved by both his parents.
 
Flopfoot said:
must have accidentally given the impression that he is a bad person. Well he is not a bad person
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Who you are is what you do. Whether he is a bad person or not will be determined by his choice of actions. Abandoning a girl pregnant with his child = BAD. Looking for some “loophole” as you call it, where the Church might actually excuse such an action = BAD. A grown man taking advantage of a young teenager and her immature ideas about love and sex = BAD.

A man doing all in his power to do right by his child and its mother, including risking moving, paying child support, and being an involved and caring father = GOOD.

BTW, if he didn’t want to have obligations so far away, perhaps he shouldn’t have trolled the internet for young women to sleep with from across the country. Once a guy lets his little swimmers out of the gate, he has to follow them should they make a new life. Gee, how inconvenient. 🤷

Again, what we do is who we are.
 
"This is just my own personal ‘rant’ for a second, its not something my friend has said. But didn’t she (the mother) choose to have sex with him, while she wasn’t married to him? What about her facing the consequences of her decision? (It happens to women all the time, they choose to have sex with guys, then end up stuck alone with a child"
excuse me?? she’s the one who is PREGNANT remember. she’s obviously accepting the consequences. i think you are confused about something…just because the woman carries the baby doesn’t make it any more “hers” than his. they don’t have to live together to raise the child together. it’s just a bad situation, which is why no one should ever have sex with someone they wouldn’t be willing to have a baby with, because THAT’S what sex is for, so that’s what is going to happen. and i’m not saying that’s the sole reason for sex so don’t try to pull that one. i’m just saying… sex makes babies, if you don’t want a baby, don’t have sex.

end rant
 
Flopfoot said:
Will you all quit judging my friend… based on everyone’s reactions here, I guess I must not be very good at describing the situation… I am trying to get help for him, but must have accidentally given the impression that he is a bad person. Well he is not a bad person so sorry for my shoddy description that makes him seem so, I hope you will stop believing so.
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He may be a nice person, and very polite - but he is not good. Good people don’t have sex outside of marriage.
 
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