Friends: help me know what to do with in-laws this x-mas

[BLB_Oregon]

SeekerJen:

It’s only a gift if the parent in question can drop it as soon as the family gathering is over, and can completely shield the children from experiencing any of it. For my parents, once we were away from a gathering of my dad’s family, the arguing would start. Mom would be upset and depressed, Dad would be angry and helpless, and then the fighting and silent treatment would start. This went on for years, until my mom finally decided she wasn’t going to take it anymore.

You are absolutely right. You have to be honest about what your options are. If you can’t give a gift without resentment or holding onto the hurt of your sacrifice, or if your sacrifice can be reasonably expected to make things worse, then you can’t give it. You can only do what you can do.

What I’m suggesting is an act of considerable self-sacrifice, and one that in some circumstances just isn’t going to fly. In some houses, the tack I’m suggesting might even prove to be gasoline on the fire. If you cannot simultaneously be there and be at peace, then you have to excuse yourself. That is not only a reasonable option… sometimes, it really is the only one.

 

[Island_Oak]

BLB_Oregon:

Christmas is the day when Jesus came in to an unwelcoming world, recognized only by a few. Even those few were the foreigners, the lower class, the dirty, the underfed and underclothed, those whom everyone else felt entitled to treat like dirt. Give Jesus the gift of imitating him on the feast of his birth, and he will give you a Christmas gift such as you have never experienced. That will be better than any gift your in-laws could wrap up in a box.

Cutting to the heart of the matter doesn’t get any more effective than this. What a powerful way to put all this in perspective! Thanks, BLB.

 

[sparkle]

BLB_Oregon:

If it were me, I’d go and kill them with kindness. I’d be the picture of graciousness. I’d give them each a gift that I’d picked out specially, with a gift receipt included in case it didn’t meet their liking. I’d offer to bring food, and compliment whatever they chose to serve. I’d thank them for having the dinner at their place. I’d help out tirelessly. I’d heap the burning coals of goodness on their heads. And I would expect them to treat me just as badly as every other year and try their hardest to take everything the wrong way, just to preserve their status quo.
What a gift to your children, to have them look back at how classy you were to such odious people, just because they were your husband’s family. It will be a huge sacrifice, but it will bear fruit.
Christmas is the day when Jesus came in to an unwelcoming world, recognized only by a few. Even those few were the foreigners, the lower class, the dirty, the underfed and underclothed, those whom everyone else felt entitled to treat like dirt. Give Jesus the gift of imitating him on the feast of his birth, and he will give you a Christmas gift such as you have never experienced. That will be better than any gift your in-laws could wrap up in a box.

I wonder BLB if you’ver ever been abused or in an abusive marriage, or relationship or had abusive parents? If you did, it might just not be an option to consider being the martyr. I know you mean well though. But, just some food for thought-- do you really think beating your head against a brick wall and going back for more abuse, is the “Christian” thing to do in all circumstances?

 

[St.Catherine]

The suggestion that Sparkle just exercise some self-sacrifice is a bunch of bunk. It sounds as if she has done that for 16 years. It hasn’t worked for her yet.

You are not obligated to take abuse from people just because you married into that family. God loves you and does not want you to take abuse in the name of “turning the other cheek”. Sometimes it is most helpful to stand up to abusive people so that they can learn how to treat people.

Again, this one is in Sparkle’s husband’s corner. He needs to address the abuse, no matter how subtle, in a very direct manner just as one of the previous posters has done.

Staying away from these toxic people may be the best gift you can give yourself and your immediately family.

To all the unmarried people reading, please take note on this issue. You must be very careful what kind of family you marry into. Often the spouse that comes from such a messed up family will begin to act in the same manner. Don’t invite this kind of trouble for yourself… unless you get a committment from your future spouse that you will move 1200 miles away (at least) and never ever spend holidays with them (holidays are always emotionally charged and mean people always act badly at the holidays)

 

[Dismas2004]

Honesty and Love - It may get you crucified, but it also leads to Life!

 

[otm]

sparkle:

I wonder BLB if you’ver ever been abused or in an abusive marriage, or relationship or had abusive parents? If you did, it might just not be an option to consider being the martyr. I know you mean well though. But, just some food for thought-- do you really think beating your head against a brick wall and going back for more abuse, is the “Christian” thing to do in all circumstances?

I don’t think that BLB is suggesting that you beat your head against a wall. I think that the suggestion is that you be Christ-like, which would include letting it all go.

Perhaps the most operative piece in this is that it is, and has been, getting under your skin. That is not a bad thing; it simply is how you are operating. I suspect that with the time that has accumulated, nothing short of a massive change on their part would make it tolerable. You have been kicked, nudged, pushed, pulled, etc. to the point where you do not have the equilibrium to stand up to it any more.

You immediate family must come first. Part of this may be that you are somewhere on the spectrum between sensitive and overly sensitive. You are who you are, and need to operate accordingly.

First, sit down at a quiet time and discuss with your husband what you feel, and what you feel various options are: inviting them over (I wouldn’t, in your shoes), going over there either Christmas eve, or the day after Christmas if you simply cannot stomach christmas day; dropping by for a half hour to an hour on Christmas day, or going over and enduring it.

You and he need to come to some osrt of agreement; maybe he has to go without you. Whatever you decide, it needs to be as much as you can tolerate without bringing it back home with you.

Good luck.

 

[monica_fan]

Oh Sparkle, please don’t attack her for trying to help. I think what she wrote is beautiful and though I could never do what she suggests on my own, I could with God’s help. I also understand you and several other posters points that we can enable them to continue on abusing by allowing them to. I don’t think that we are called to be a doormat but I would really like to know what it is God wants us to do in situations like this. I know He calls us to rise above the pettiness and unkindness heeped on us. Each one of our situations is different and I take what each one of you says and pray on it.

sparkle:

I wonder BLB if you’ver ever been abused or in an abusive marriage, or relationship or had abusive parents? If you did, it might just not be an option to consider being the martyr. I know you mean well though. But, just some food for thought-- do you really think beating your head against a brick wall and going back for more abuse, is the “Christian” thing to do in all circumstances?

 

[La_Chiara]

sparkle–I have had in-law issues and still do. Basically, my feeling is that life is too short to put up with other people’s bad behavior. My philosophy is: treat me badly once–I’ll let it go; treat me badly twice–I’ll tell you that I am upset; treat me badly three times–I reserve the right to limit my dealings with you because you have proven that you are uncaring of my feelings.

Only you know the situation well enough to make the decision. But I, personally, can not tolerate people insulting me in my house when I am their hostess. It is bad enough to be treated badly when I am their guest or we are both guests in my parents’-in-law’s house. So if I were in your situation, I would prefer to go to their house for dessert only (even bringing desserts if that helps) and be prepared to say an early good-bye at the first sign of offensive behavior. Or I would go in two cars, and leave because “I am not feeling well”. (Heck, it’s the truth, I am don’t feel well emotionally when I am treated shabbily.) You don’t have to say anything more, just politely say goodbye.

 

[Fitz]

catsrus:

Sparkle, my in-laws, of 15 years, don’t like me either. I’m a PRACTICING Catholic (boooo) and hubby is the only son. Mostly, we stay away from each other but Christmas is “obligation” day with them. I just bite the bullet for a couple hours.
BUT, it sounds as though your in-laws are mentally abusive to you in the presence of your children and that would cap it for me. I agree you should just tell hubby and the in-laws how you feel (probably be like prying a gorilla off your back too!), do the Christmas eve deal and be done. Your children cannot be learning ANYTHING good from their behavior.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

sparkle:

I wonder BLB if you’ver ever been abused or in an abusive marriage, or relationship or had abusive parents? If you did, it might just not be an option to consider being the martyr. I know you mean well though. But, just some food for thought-- do you really think beating your head against a brick wall and going back for more abuse, is the “Christian” thing to do in all circumstances?

My experience is that I spent my childhood being verbally abused by an older brother. Day in, day out. When he got to go on a vacation and I found out I was being left behind, I was overjoyed. I wouldn’t say I was an abused child, but he did torment me as a way to feel some power and it took its toll. Then I finally figured out that when I stopped taking him so seriously, it totally deflated him. Returning compliments for his criticism was something he really didn’t know how to deal with. He’d tell me how stupid I was, and I’d say, “I’m sorry that I bother you. I admire how smart you are.” (And he was smart.) But you are right–the key was that I was treated just fine by my parents. I could spot him his little pettiness and let him know that his tries to get my goat were spitballs to me, because I had someone reminding me of what the truth was.

I absolutely do not recommend being a martyr, and I don’t think that it is un-Christian to refuse to sit and take gratutious abuse. Really, you have to know what your limits are and keep yourself out of situations where your presence just makes things worse.

But bullies use their nastiness to manipulate others. These in-laws don’t want DIL around. If she just absents herself, their little tricks have paid off for them. I am only saying that bullies can sometimes be dealt with simply by refusing to take their nonsense seriously and by giving them the polite, gracious treatment that they know darn good and well that they don’t deserve. Jesus said that even the pagans are nice to people who are nice to them… what I’m suggesting is not easy, but it isn’t necessarily self-abuse. It is a third way. Sometimes, love will melt them, or at least keep things pleasant for long enough to get the get-together over with without losing your temper or your dignity. So what if they give everyone else presents? If they think they’re buying misery for their DIL, she can give them some news. She can choose to decide that she has enough stuff and that their pettiness is pitiable.

However, IMHO, the husband should not allow anyone, even his parents, treat any member of his family in an abusive manner. Whatever you do, you do it together, and you graciously overlook bad behavior from others for just as long as the most-upset member of the family feels they can tolerate it. At that minute–outta there, and no apologies, either. You can only do what you can do. Home is where everyone is valued, all the time.

 

[monica_fan]

Exactly, thank you Oregon. My Dil thought that by moving thousands of miles away she would not have to share her husband with anyone else, even his friends. I would try to call every other week to stay in touch and she still felt threatened by my calls even though I made sure to never bring her up and only stay on family happenings and not ask questions or do any prying. It broke my heart and for months I stopped calling. Then I got mad and thought, wait a minute, if that line of communication is broken, she will have succeeded in isolating him from family. Everyone else has given up on him and I refuse to. Now I call once a month to stay in touch. He always sounds happy to hear from me. If she ever answers I will be pleasant to her and after making small talk, ask to speak to my son.
He has tried to stand up to her and has asked her to be kind to his family members but she often does it behind his back.
It takes a lot of patience, love and constant forgiveness to deal with abusive personalities but I **won’t **give up.

BLB_Oregon:

. These in-laws don’t want DIL around. If she just absents herself, their little tricks have paid off for them. I am only saying that bullies can sometimes be dealt with simply by refusing to take their nonsense seriously and by giving them the polite, gracious treatment that they know darn good and well that they don’t deserve. Jesus said that even the pagans are nice to people who are nice to them… what I’m suggesting is not easy, but it isn’t necessarily self-abuse.
However, IMHO, the husband should not allow anyone, even his parents, treat any member of his family in an abusive manner. Whatever you do, you do it together, and you graciously overlook bad behavior from others for just as long as the most-upset member of the family feels they can tolerate it. At that minute–outta there, and no apologies, either. You can only do what you can do. Home is where everyone is valued, all the time.

 

[F.S.Casey]

monica fan:

I am so sorry to hear that these in laws are treating you all so terribly. I can’t understand it unless they lack faith in God. Do you think that is the reason they are so nasty? I’m finding that the battle over worldviews is behind so much dissention in families today. It has really heated up since the election results showed that moral issues won the election for the President. My husband, oldest son and daughter in law are the only Catholics in the family and we are looked at as so odd. The Scripture verse about division in the family is so true today, isn’t it?

Indeed it is very true. I’ve been called a “religious zealot” and things like that. These days, if you even go to church on Sundays and nothing else, you are considered a right wing Christian kook. I think people who dislike our faith really take it out on us.

F.S. Casey

 

[F.S.Casey]

monica fan:

Exactly, thank you Oregon. My Dil thought that by moving thousands of miles away she would not have to share her husband with anyone else, even his friends. I would try to call every other week to stay in touch and she still felt threatened by my calls even though I made sure to never bring her up and only stay on family happenings and not ask questions or do any prying. It broke my heart and for months I stopped calling. Then I got mad and thought, wait a minute, if that line of communication is broken, she will have succeeded in isolating him from family. Everyone else has given up on him and I refuse to. Now I call once a month to stay in touch. He always sounds happy to hear from me. If she ever answers I will be pleasant to her and after making small talk, ask to speak to my son.
He has tried to stand up to her and has asked her to be kind to his family members but she often does it behind his back.
It takes a lot of patience, love and constant forgiveness to deal with abusive personalities but I **won’t **give up.

Your DIL is trying to make you disappear from your son’s world. She is an angry angry person. She will never be able to remove you or your family from your son’s heart. It sounds like you have a good handle on it. I would hardly call calling once a month overbearing. It looks like you have done the right thing and left little room for her to insult anything but your beliefs and I have a feeling that your son does not begrude you that. Hopefully time will soften things.
F.S. Casey

 

[Lilyofthevalley]

Sparkle, why do you feel obligated to interact with such nasty people on a holiday? Don’t feed into their games. BUT, if you feel YOU must provide a dinner for Christmas for them, bring them to Chinese. Give them something to gripe about.

 

[monica_fan]

I’m thinking it’s because Sparkle is such a good Christian who tries to live by the Beautitudes. She also realizes that if weren’t for her husband’s parents, her husband wouldn’t be there. Many here on the list have agreed with her plan to just visit them for dessert. Keep the visit short and leave when they get nasty. I think that would send a strong message that she is not going to put up with their nastiness any longer. I know Sparkle can pull it off because she has class and a deep sense to do what is right. She also will have plenty of prayer support here.

Lilyofthevalley:

Sparkle, why do you feel obligated to interact with such nasty people on a holiday? Don’t feed into their games. BUT, if you feel YOU must provide a dinner for Christmas for them, bring them to Chinese. Give them something to gripe about.

 

[Lilyofthevalley]

Sparrkle is a good Christian, however being a good Christian does not mean one should be a door mat to abusive people.

 

[sparkle]

Lilyofthevalley:

Sparkle, why do you feel obligated to interact with such nasty people on a holiday?

Hi Lily!!-- Good point!!!

I often ask myself the exact question. Guess, cuz they’re my hubby’s parents, my kids grandparents, etc., and also my mom constantly has said to me: "you’ve just got to invite so and so–(in-laws) for Christmas Eve. She’s really the one who urged me to invite them to many X-mas eve get together’s with my huge family for the past 14 years even though I didn’t want to at all, knowing the abuse, etc. Of course in-laws have always put on a great front when my folks are around. The only year they’ve ever given me (their DIL) a present is when MY parents were present. And of course they overdo all the other gifts as well. Finally, after many years, I have realized I don’t have to socialize with them all that much, if I don’t feel it’s best, regardless what anyone trys to say. Guess I’ve always wanted to try though and have bent over backwards trying to be-friend in-laws. But, I know now, I’ve wised up. They’re very un-healthy and unsafe people. It’s very difficult Lily, when other family members influence you, and they don’t really see all that’s going on. You know? Thx for posing the point Lily. I really appreciate it.

Monica: You’re so sweet for your post!!! Thx for your kind words!!! We live and learn, don’t we all? You’re a dear~~~~

P.S. MIL called just last nite inviting us for X-mas dinner. I said we weren’t sure what we were doing yet, that we’d let her know----and could feel my feathers being ruffled just thinking of being over there again for the same old treatment. I DON’T want to go. But then I know they’d say “well–what else are you doing”? “Do you boys want to come over”?..It’s probably O.K. now to not make excuses any longer and just say “we’re just going to relax at home” on X-mas. Period. But then I know hubby will say: “what are we going to cook then”? Do we need to cook the whole shebang? Perhaps! Maybe some movies, dinner, family time, etc…With in-laws–I think I’ll go with the come over for dessert on X-mas eve thing in OUR home, after church. They can brings kids’ gifts then. What do y’all think?

THX so much for your advice.

 

[monica_fan]

You are right, and I’ve told her that before. Don’t you think that if her in laws start in with their hurtful remarks, Sparkle can in her classy way, stand up and say, “I don’t need to take this” and walk out? Don’t you think that would send a stronger message then just not showing up? She doesn’t want to give them any reason to attack her and if she doesn’t show up they will most likely talk about her behind her back. If I was doing what her in laws were doing, I would be ashamed if my dil stood up and said that to me. I would run up to her and hug her and tell her how sorry I was. Especially if I were the hostess and had made her feel that way in my own home.
As an aside, my oldest son, grandson and dear daughter in law are coming to stay the weekend. She and I have had these in-law talks before and she has only told me that my problem is that I am too nice and too afraid of offending her. But since we’ve been talking about this, I am going to come right out and ask her if there is anything else she wishes I would do differently. I am a new grandma and don’t want to over-step my bounds. I know that I am just the mother and she needs to take first place in her husband’s (my sons) life. She knows what my other dil is like and they have gotten into shouting matches before. She doesn’t stand for her abuse and tells her right out. I think it’s always best to be honest with people and tell them when they have hurt you. Otherwise it just festers and boils over at an unexpected time.

Lilyofthevalley:

Sparrkle is a good Christian, however being a good Christian does not mean one should be a door mat to abusive people.

 

[sparkle]

monica fan:

As an aside, my oldest son, grandson and dear daughter in law are coming to stay the weekend. She and I have had these in-law talks before and she has only told me that my problem is that I am too nice and too afraid of offending her. But since we’ve been talking about this, I am going to come right out and ask her if there is anything else she wishes I would do differently. I am a new grandma and don’t want to over-step my bounds. I know that I am just the mother and she needs to take first place in her husband’s (my sons) life. She knows what my other dil is like and they have gotten into shouting matches before. She doesn’t stand for her abuse and tells her right out. I think it’s always best to be honest with people and tell them when they have hurt you. Otherwise it just festers and boils over at an unexpected time.

Monica fan:

So glad at least one of your sons and DIL, and “grandson” will be coming for X-mas! How wonderful. Hope you have a great time!!!

I know you’re a wonderful grandma, and sounds like a great MIL too. Try not to fret too much about the other son and DIL. Hopefully they’ll come around.

God Bless~~

 

[Anna_Elizabeth]

I have heard some good suggestions in these posts, especially the ones that suggest being super-gracious (but that’s almost like a game - good maybe short term, but that’s all), and the ones that suggest that the husband get with it.

It’s the latter suggestion on which I’d like to comment. Do you realize how many posts ignore the husband’s responsiblility and again how many kindly suggest that the husband get involved? Only one or two demand that the husband act like a married man and protect his wife, to say nothing of the responsibility he owes to his children! This seems to me to be little better than a litany of ideas to get around one more weak and traitorous husband.

If I found that any of my sons failed to defend their wives in the face of such abuse, I would collect whatever influence I still have with them and “let them have it.” I am truly wondering about this husband; is he getting something out of this?

I know first hand the damage that situations like this can bring if not nipped in the bud, and this one has gone on too long already.

Anna